Bleepx6 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 My ex and I of 8 months (who's counting anyway) met in the summer through mutual friends. We both took the same program. However, I failed a semester and tried again another semester and my grades were not enough to continue. I was confident, bubbly and hopeful despite my first attempt and was neither jealous or insecure when I was around my ex. When I got my grades he was there for me. However, that night when we met to discuss my options, he also left momentarily because he was afraid my parents were going to blame him for my failure. Additionally, told me his parents concerns and disapproval of my decision to switch majors that will be a lower social job (engineering to nursing) and that it won't be good in the long run since I won't be able to relate to him. I forgave him for those things as I needed just someone to be there. I never forgot, felt even more depressed and slowly became insecure. At that end of that semester, my ex and I started having mini fights that escalated to bigger ones, which ultimately resulted in me running away whenever I felt panic and resort to saying stuff including: We are done, I can't do this anymore,... And storm off. These fights were mainly jealousy or neglectfulness. I say these because he won't let me have a "cool off" time, even just 5-10 minutes because in his eyes, "as your boyfriend it was my duty to protect you, fix your problems, comfort you, console you, be with you, etc." However, I never for one second meant any of those words. It's just that whenever I ask for space, he doesn't give it to me because he wants to fix the issue right there and then and felt it was his duty as my boyfriend (now ex) to be there through it all. After minutes (usually a minute of two) of cooling off-- I would apologize and rekindle. I never was like this-- get angry for the smallest things and I hate myself for my actions. I feel embarrassed admitting this but a few weeks ago I was diagnosed with severe depression. Before that I did not want to ask for help after dropping out. However, I started a new major, did better, as well as been going into counselling and therapy. I guess it was the mixture of failing school, as grades were so important to me and then transferring to another school-- leaving my friends behind. I transferred schools and we were both attending different schools 4 months later on our relationship. The distance wasn't so bad (1 hour train ride). However, I felt that he didn't really take the time to hang out and would wait for me to make the plans or when I'm free, etc. I got to the point where I told him we should meet at specific days so that we're still able to grow together and connect. I feel that I made almost all the efforts to visit him once I transferred because I blamed myself for failing. His excuse was: I don't know you're schedule with school and work (why did you not ask me then?) Plus I loved spending time with him. Nonetheless, after we took our break (lasted for a week) he texted me to call him (I know I was stupid and called him) to have the inevitable "talk". A few days ago I gave him exam pep talks because I assumed we were still exclusive and read his tweets that he's about to cry failing his exams, etc., which he felt like he really did fail those exams and if he does-- will feel weak, and retake those courses in the summer. I've been in his shoes. During our phone conversation-- reality hit me. I listened to him vent and tell me the mistakes I've done, such as running away-- abandoning him, little fights that turn into big fights, making date plans feel like homework he had to follow, and how we are two people that are completely incompatible. Alright... I understand. This is an awesome timing as I just got out of an 8 hour shift and was going to do something good for myself (buy yoga outfits for the yoga classes I'm currently taking.) He also told me he can't do this [relationship] anymore. However, later in the phone conversation he had the audacity to ask me to see him at a fast food restaurant near his house (1 hour train ride) to talk even more. Yes, I was foolish because at the time, I wanted him back and so went to see him. At the fast food restaurant, I couldn't take it. He kept telling me he's madly in love with me, he loves me, hugging me when he saw me crying. However, it simmered down to the same things: he cannot be with someone who he hurt to the fullest. On our last fight that led to the break, we fought about me deleting our pictures he has on his tablet (I was angry I admit.) After I cooled down, I asked if I can leave and he can delete them for me (I needed to just get away from the house and have a breather.) He wouldn't let me and became controlling: "No, you're not leaving until you delete those. You gave your word. Sit down and wait." I was scared because at that moment, he acted similar to my abusive father... That's when my ex broke down, cried and said he is exhausted and tired of me pulling this ****: getting angry easily (My fault.) The night I rode that 1 hour train ride to see him, I must admit as stupid as it sounds I wanted to fix our relationship. That I am willing to go through this journey with him since he can't get over how he treated me. Essentially he acted like an insensitive *******-- forced me to do something I later changed my mind-- I cooled down and then he became the angry one. I felt that when I visited him for the last time at the restaurant, as I often do to make the effort to see him as much as I could-- I lost self-respect and degraded myself. During that last visit, he told me I slowly changed him because he had a close female friend that he slowly avoided because of me. I did not have any idea about this because quite frankly I thought they still hung out, which I was fine with. I did not ask him to do this at all. But during that talk kept convincing me that I knew, it was what I wanted ultimately, etc. Frankly, before dropping out and even after I loved that he spends time with his friends and I spend time with my own friends (he doesn't like this idea) as it gives him and I independence. I encouraged him to do anything with them because I really trusted him. Certainly I did express my concerns that I was jealous of a way girls and overreacted, however when I was able to hang out with them... they treated me well and I treated them nicely (he thought I was being fake) and enjoyed our time. But that's when he stopped talking to them... What the? Nonetheless, I lost myself there. I kept telling him I still want to make our relationship work. That I have been attending counselling and therapy, and going (well I am now) to take yoga classes. However, as much as I looked like a fool begging and pleading, deep inside I didn't want to force him. I can't be with someone if they don't want to be in a relationship with me. We had our last make out session (jeez). I know I'm stupid and ultimately, as a last resort I talked about how we sometimes makes mistakes in life, such as in engineering with him failing exams and when I dropped out to change majors. But his argument is that he has a plan with engineering and quite frankly, he doesn't have any plans with me or the courage to take another risk. I asked why he had to do all these steps: needing space and time (break) 'till after exams (didn't even get to that), ask me to call him (mind you I have a prepaid phone and I essentially wasted all my minutes that night), listened to him tell me almost all the mistakes I made, break up with me on the phone, later on during the phone conversation ask me to visit a restaurant near his house to "talk" some more and see me to break up properly. His response was to get our closure, and revenge for me running away from our fights to cool off. Anyway, it has been 6 days since that happened. Early this morning I sent him a message that went along like this: "[His name].. This is not me begging to have you back in my life, nor my way of closure because closure doesn't exist. Frankly, I just have to get this off my chest since I don't think I can tell you this in person (I'm terrible communicating verbally.) Also, I don't need a reply. The day you left, my life "ended". I wasn't perfect in that relationship but please don't ever think for one moment I never appreciated you. I did all those acts with love and respect, even the ones you thought were homework.. We're all crazy but we just have to be with someone who compliments our craziness. Also a tip for your next one, don't ever use: "I'm madly in love with you and I love you, but I can't be with you," because that is the biggest "**** you" one can ever say aside from listing all the mistakes they have made. I got both on that night, lol killed me but hey I'm alive. Nonetheless, if our paths ever cross, hopefully it is when we have evolved into completely new people with many more experiences and lessons. I wish you the best of luck in your present and future." He called twice, I didn't answer and 2 hours later messaged: Can you pick up? [Read his message but I don't have the courage to answer.] Nope. I already know I'll get some bull**** response of: I'm sorry, it's best for the both of us, yadayadayada. I guess I'm just venting here. It was technically finished a week ago (break) so I'm no longer crying every day, etc. I just feel empty, and well a bit relieved. I'm questioning whether I still love him after the way he treated me in the end, or am I just missing the routine of always talking together or sharing our day. On the bright side, I'm going on a date tomorrow... Oh well that's all. **tl;dr:** Ex and I of 8 months broke up due to a small fight that escalated, which made me leave his house to cool off. He thought it was me leaving the relationship. I told him countless times that when I do that, it's not because I'm leaving you. I leave the environment I am in to cool down. Nonetheless, I wanted to work on our problems but he realized that when he became controlling during that fight-- probably as a defence mechanism and treating me similar to my abusive father (he stooped that low to make a point to me) decided to break up. We took a break that lasted a week-- texted me to call him. We talked on the phone, I mainly listened to him vent of all the mistakes I've made in the relationship and how he can't be with me. Later asked to meet him near his house to "talk" some more. But I found out it was just to see me one last time, his closure-- to tell me the mistakes I've made, the sacrificed he made that I did not ask and other things I did not think of during. I remained quiet most of the time because I'm terrible at arguing in person, as well as my heart was shattered in pieces. That was 6 days ago, today I caved in and sent him a long message mentioned above. He calls me twice, messages me to pick up when I clearly stated: Also I don't need a reply. On the bright side, I'm going on a date tomorrow... Oh well. Life.
Twigyy Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 You have so much communication issues. You expect him to do stuff that you never told him in the first place. Boys can't read minds and you can't blame them for that. You can't force someone to love you as much as you love them. Let him do his stuff, if he wants you he will find your hang out, have fun, plus he told you that he loves you too.. Different people have different ways to show their affection, and maybe he doesn't need a lot of time. Being in a relationship is effortless, but he is tired. Get what I mean ? Tl:DR I suggest to stay single until you fix your issues.. You drove one guy crazy, so please don't do it again..
lana-banana Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Why did you initiate contact if you genuinely don't want a response? Not replying after you've reached out to him makes you look petty and erratic. Face the music, listen to what he has to say, and move on with confidence that it's truly over. 1
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