I don't know if this is the right place, but I just need .

[Melmoldy]

So, after coming across these forums and reading some of the other stories I felt that perhaps some of you might be able to give me some advice or some ideas. Let's start here...

 

Beginning of August 2007 I came across a profile of a stranger on MySpace. This guy... I couldn't stop looking at him, I couldn't stop thinking about him and all I wanted was to meet him in person because there was something about him I couldn't get out of my head. I messaged him and luckily got a response. On August 11, 2007 I met this man in person for the first time. Never in my life did I imagine I could instantly feel like somebody was my best friend. There was no awkward uncomfortable time, we just instantly clicked. Things moved so quickly, we fell in love so deeply and so quickly. I moved in with him in Dec of 2007. In March of 2009 I was lucky enough to marry this amazing person.

 

This man has been the most incredible person to me. He's loving, caring and so loyal... So epic. Well, we started having some sexual problems as he was inexperienced. I spent more time than I can recall trying to fix that one problem... I tried every way I could think of. We'd fight about it and he'd promise me that he would try and tell me he loved me. After years of this, I just didn't feel like he was ever going to put in any effort. It was always the same. I'd get upset about it, he'd apologize and say he's going to try and that he loved me and it never changed.

 

Now, I've been through some real crap in my life. Things that have shaped me as a human being, things that have caused people to end their own lives. I have always suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts.

 

Between the stress in my relationship with a man I am in every way sure is meant to be the man I spend my life with and the awful job I had been at for 5 years I fell into a state of depression I had never experienced before. I wasn't myself in any way.

 

In July of 2013 I committed the ultimate betrayal and I cheated on this man who means the world to me. I didn't hide it from him. I told him what had happened. He was obviously devastated, but he was willing to keep trying.

 

Unfortunately, things did not change. I know how much he loved me, but I had completely lost sight of that. I just kept thinking that if he loved me so much, why wouldn't he want to fix us?

 

January 2014 we got into a fight. I was still very deeply in my depression and was very mentally unstable. I was so angry with him, and I told him I was going to my mom's for a couple of days. At this point, I honestly felt like our relationship was so broken that once I left I'd never get him back.

 

In that moment of stupidity, I went to my mom's and proceeded to do the worst possible thing I could have done. I cheated on him again. Twice. I was only there three days before he called me and said he was coming to get me. I wasn't expecting this, although it's what I wanted so much.

 

The last year + since that happened I have been unemployed as I was unable to continue working during that time. I have had a lot of time to think about things, and try to figure myself out.

 

I can't even begin to express in words how ashamed I am of hurting him like this. I regret it every day, I'd do anything to go back and prevent it from happening. I feel his resentment towards me every day. He means everything to me. He's my best friend, the love of my life. I can't imagine not seeing his face, not kissing him, not hugging him, not loving him every day for the rest of my life.

 

I'm at a point now where I'm trying so desperately to earn him back. We are still together, but every single day is a battle. Some days we are okay, others turn into explosive fights and I see his anger and hatred towards me for what I did. I know this relationship is hanging by a fine thread.

 

I'm more than willing to accept his anger towards me, I deserve every bit of it. I'm trying so hard to be understanding and all I want to do is put everything I have into trying to mend this.

 

At this point he feels hopeless. He doesn't know how to cope with this, he feels like he will always be angry with me for what I did and that he'll grow to hate me and that will overcome his love for me.

 

I'm sure you hear stories like this all the time, and I'm sure I'll get chastised by some for what I've done. I made the worst mistake of my life when I broke the heart of the man I adore with all of my heart. I am 150% committed to trying to fix this. I know how wrong I was, and I will never again do what I did. Trying to convince him of that isn't quite as easy.

 

Why did I do it? Well... I think there was more than one reason. I felt like he didn't love me the way he said he did, so perhaps this would change him and make him try harder. I felt like I was worthless and nobody would ever want me so I sought comfort in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. My self confidence is pretty much non-existent and always has been.

 

None of these things are excuses. I cannot take back what I did. All I want to do is fight as hard as I can to keep my husband, my life. He is my life. He's so close to giving up on us... I just don't know what to do. I want to fix it. All of it. Just have the man I adore in my life for as long as I live.

 

Is there anything I can do to try and help him see that we can fight through this and win? I asked if he'd be willing to do counseling, but he said he's not sure. He's convinced that he'll never be able to forgive me and that we won't get through this, and I told him that I understand that and of course that's possible, but at the same time it's still possible for us to get through this.

 

Any suggestions would be much appreciated, and thank you in advance for reading my story.

Edited April 24, 2015 by Melmoldy

[LooperDooper]

I am going to be frank. If this was published as his story and him telling us about how this girl cheated on him 3 times, I think most of us would tell him to go as far away as possible because the girl does not deserve him.

 

Now, let me speak my mind. I do NOT condone cheating at all, I don't care if you haven't spoken in 1 week, I don't care if you haven't had sex in 3 months, I don't care if you are fighting like no tomorrow. Cheating is cheating. You want to sleep with other guys and make out with them, you end the relationship first and then do it, I know it still looks and may be disrespectful, but leading somebody on despite you doing other things behind his back is equivalent to spitting and kicking him in the nuts 50 times, helping him get up, and then pushing him back down. It's downright disrespectful and I for one DO NOT accept any excuse for cheating.

 

Now for you, I don't know what a relationship is to you or what intimacy is, but it is a 2 person thing. If he is inexperienced, you should have the patience and maybe the proactivity to give it a boost. Things might not be as good as they could be with other people, but that's what makes this person who they are. His inexperience shows you the type of person he may be.

 

Now, I know we all make mistakes so I'll be as helpful to you as possible. If I were in your shoes, I'd stay away from him for awhile. For HIS sake. He clearly has a lot of pain built up and is very afraid of letting go, so let him work on his insecurity. You want him back? Well here's what would help me (very little mind you after cheating more than once, but it'd get me to see you are sorry).

- You back off from his life for a little bit and give him space, to think, to experiment to do whatever he wants and needs to do.

- In this time, you do not experiment with other people and try to show him how sorry you truly are and how hard you want to work things out -- you do this by being there but from afar.

- You give some time not spending it together and you let him consider if you truly are worth the trouble, and yes I mean trouble because he has lost all faith and all confidence in you, and you need to EARN it back with patience.

- If you continue to be together, you CANNOT expect that the next day everything is fine and he forgot about it all, you did it to him on more than one occasion and he's going to feel it on more than one occasion.

 

I've never been in this type of situation, but I'd never leave it open as I am not very forgiving under these circumstances. But it's what I think he needs. You need to prove you are sorry and you need to let him be and think about everything without pressuring him.

 

Oh and for the love of whatever you believe in, if you are oh so lucky this guy takes you back by a miracle, do NOT screw it up again. PLEASE. If you ever doubt it again, leave for his own good.

[ZiggyZoo]

Honestly, I think his poor guy should run far and run fast. Your method for dealing with your feelings of not being loved by him is to chat on him? And when it doesn't produce the desired result of making him fight harder, you cheat again. Twice. I don't care what kind of depression or mental instability you have, he deserved much better than this. I myself have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and have been hospitalized twice. My self-esteem has been in the toilet more times than I can count, but I have never ever considered looking outside my relationship to help boost it. That's not due to your depression, that's due to the fact that you just make terrible decisions and take the easiest route to feeling better at the expense of those who love you.

 

It strikes me that the one thing you never mentioned was what part you've played in all this. It's all about your mental health, your past, his sexual inexperience, his lack of trying to make you feel loved...it's all about anything but you. Really, if you took a step back and looked at it all, the nicest thing you could do for him is let him go. If you really do love him, then don't subject him to any more of this BS.

[frigginlost]

First off, I'm not going to chastise you for what has happened. It seems to me you are fully aware of the earth shattering damage those kinds of actions do to someone. I was with someone who cheated on me twice, and believe me, you cannot fathom the pain you have caused him.

 

Now, having said that, you sound committed to righting the wrongs and that is a huge step in understanding yourself.

 

You need to sit down your husband and very bluntly tell him you love him with all your heart, you understand how he has every right to look at you with disgust at times, but you want to help him. Tell him you think it would be best that you both go to therapy to get help.

 

Let me warn you, though. Therapy is extremely hard as there will be things said that will hurt you both beyond belief.

[Melmoldy]

I am going to be frank. If this was published as his story and him telling us about how this girl cheated on him 3 times, I think most of us would tell him to go as far away as possible because the girl does not deserve him.

 

Now, let me speak my mind. I do NOT condone cheating at all, I don't care if you haven't spoken in 1 week, I don't care if you haven't had sex in 3 months, I don't care if you are fighting like no tomorrow. Cheating is cheating. You want to sleep with other guys and make out with them, you end the relationship first and then do it, I know it still looks and may be disrespectful, but leading somebody on despite you doing other things behind his back is equivalent to spitting and kicking him in the nuts 50 times, helping him get up, and then pushing him back down. It's downright disrespectful and I for one DO NOT accept any excuse for cheating.

 

Now for you, I don't know what a relationship is to you or what intimacy is, but it is a 2 person thing. If he is inexperienced, you should have the patience and maybe the proactivity to give it a boost. Things might not be as good as they could be with other people, but that's what makes this person who they are. His inexperience shows you the type of person he may be.

 

Now, I know we all make mistakes so I'll be as helpful to you as possible. If I were in your shoes, I'd stay away from him for awhile. For HIS sake. He clearly has a lot of pain built up and is very afraid of letting go, so let him work on his insecurity. You want him back? Well here's what would help me (very little mind you after cheating more than once, but it'd get me to see you are sorry).

- You back off from his life for a little bit and give him space, to think, to experiment to do whatever he wants and needs to do.

- In this time, you do not experiment with other people and try to show him how sorry you truly are and how hard you want to work things out -- you do this by being there but from afar.

- You give some time not spending it together and you let him consider if you truly are worth the trouble, and yes I mean trouble because he has lost all faith and all confidence in you, and you need to EARN it back with patience.

- If you continue to be together, you CANNOT expect that the next day everything is fine and he forgot about it all, you did it to him on more than one occasion and he's going to feel it on more than one occasion.

 

I've never been in this type of situation, but I'd never leave it open as I am not very forgiving under these circumstances. But it's what I think he needs. You need to prove you are sorry and you need to let him be and think about everything without pressuring him.

 

Oh and for the love of whatever you believe in, if you are oh so lucky this guy takes you back by a miracle, do NOT screw it up again. PLEASE. If you ever doubt it again, leave for his own good.

 

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your response and your honesty. He's much like you in his beliefs about cheating and he always told me that would be the one thing that would kill us. The fact that he's stayed this long is a testament to his love and devotion towards me, which is obviously very undeserved.

 

I agree with you that space could help, but I also know that it can kill whatever is left of us. This is the battle I'm facing now. Do I stay and fight every day to fix this and risk having it fail? Do I risk giving him space and him deciding he's done with me? I know I need to accept the consequences of my actions, and if that means I lose him then it is what it is and I know there's nothing that can be done to change that.

 

If I am lucky enough for him to forgive me, I would never again do what I did. I honestly regret it every day. He's an incredible person and he didn't in any way ever deserve the heartbreak he's dealing with now.

 

Thanks again, what you said here really means a lot.

[Melmoldy]

Honestly, I think his poor guy should run far and run fast. Your method for dealing with your feelings of not being loved by him is to chat on him? And when it doesn't produce the desired result of making him fight harder, you cheat again. Twice. I don't care what kind of depression or mental instability you have, he deserved much better than this. I myself have been diagnosed with Bipolar 2, and have been hospitalized twice. My self-esteem has been in the toilet more times than I can count, but I have never ever considered looking outside my relationship to help boost it. That's not due to your depression, that's due to the fact that you just make terrible decisions and take the easiest route to feeling better at the expense of those who love you.

 

It strikes me that the one thing you never mentioned was what part you've played in all this. It's all about your mental health, your past, his sexual inexperience, his lack of trying to make you feel loved...it's all about anything but you. Really, if you took a step back and looked at it all, the nicest thing you could do for him is let him go. If you really do love him, then don't subject him to any more of this BS.

 

I'm very sorry this is how you saw things when you read my post. I was trying my best to explain the situation, but I cannot explain his side for him, so it's going to seem very one sided.

 

There's no reason to battle over who's pain is worse. We do not know what the other person has been through, so judgment about that is not helpful.

 

Thank you for your response.

[Melmoldy]

First off, I'm not going to chastise you for what has happened. It seems to me you are fully aware of the earth shattering damage those kinds of actions do to someone. I was with someone who cheated on me twice, and believe me, you cannot fathom the pain you have caused him.

 

Now, having said that, you sound committed to righting the wrongs and that is a huge step in understanding yourself.

 

You need to sit down your husband and very bluntly tell him you love him with all your heart, you understand how he has every right to look at you with disgust at times, but you want to help him. Tell him you think it would be best that you both go to therapy to get help.

 

Let me warn you, though. Therapy is extremely hard as there will be things said that will hurt you both beyond belief.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

I'm prepared to try counseling. There are already things being said that hurt beyond belief, but these are things that need to be said if there is any hope.

 

I was wrong in every way. I love my husband with all of my heart, yet I broke his. I want to do anything I can to try to repair it.

 

Thank you so much.

[seminoles84]

Couples therapy is your best bet.

[Mrin]

OP: Okay, there is something I don't get with your story. What was the thing in your relationship that "broke" you as a relationship and lead to the feeling of being unloved. You referred to it several times but never explained. Was it that sexual thing? Here are some of your quotes:

 

"I'd get upset about it, he'd apologize and say he's going to try and that he loved me and it never changed."

 

"Unfortunately, things did not change. I know how much he loved me, but I had completely lost sight of that. I just kept thinking that if he loved me so much, why wouldn't he want to fix us?"

 

The story doesn't make sense. It is like it is was all great, he's loving, amazing, i love him like non other, we had this thing and then I put a shotgun to the marriage and pulled the trigger three times (by cheating). I don't get it.

Edited April 24, 2015 by Mrin

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm very sorry this is how you saw things when you read my post. I was trying my best to explain the situation, but I cannot explain his side for him, so it's going to seem very one sided.

 

There's no reason to battle over who's pain is worse. We do not know what the other person has been through, so judgment about that is not helpful.

 

Thank you for your response.

 

Wasn't aware it was a battle, and trust me, I'm one of the least judgmental people you'll meet. Just pointing out that others who have also been in a similar situation have made different choices, and making excuses for your actions like you are isn't helpful to anyone. Of course it's not a pissing match over whose pain is worse. Maybe mine never got to the point where I would degrade myself and disrespect my relationship with someone I claim to love. Three times. Who knows? Pain is relative anyway. Your worst pain is equal to my worst pain. I get that. Not my point.

 

I'm sorry if you didn't like what I said, but it really does like you took advantage of your husband's love for you and only when he's threatening to leave are you truly appreciating it. And my take on it is he's not in a place to forgive and forget. He said that cheating would end it, you knew that, yet you did it anyway. So why do you expect him to bend HIS boundaries and his beliefs for you? If someone tells you not to do something, and you do it anyway, then expect them to forgive you and carry on, how is that anything but completely selfish? I could see if it was just the once, but you did it to him multiple times. And pointed the finger at everyone and everything but yourself.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Opening up like this, I commend you for it,

But understand, you will be judged and bruised from a hit,

Not physically, mind you, but to your ego and self,

Look within and live with love, only then you'll gain emotional wealth.

 

You've destroyed this marriage, and the sanctity it stands for,

Your husband deserves better, I'm sure we can all agree to the core,

Are you truly willing to try and fix this, is he even giving you that chance?

For if you feel you'll give up at some point, then don't even give this a glance.

[Twigyy]

I would give him some time alone, and you should spend time being single and fix your issues. You broke his trust twice so it won't be easy to earn it back. Maybe in a couple of months you could show him that you're still into it, but if he doesn't want it, I suggest you to leave him alone...

[darkbloom]

I'm still tripping over you meeting him off MySpace. I forgot all about that until just this very second.

 

I would say therapy would be your best bet. You cheated on him multiple times as a way to deal with your feelings. That's not normal. I know stuff happens but it's better to not do any emotionl damage to the people in your life. You never know how much that hurts or will impact them down the line.

 

Good luck.

[joseb]

OP: Okay, there is something I don't get with your story. What was the thing in your relationship that "broke" you as a relationship and lead to the feeling of being unloved. You referred to it several times but never explained. Was it that sexual thing? Here are some of your quotes:

 

"I'd get upset about it, he'd apologize and say he's going to try and that he loved me and it never changed."

 

"Unfortunately, things did not change. I know how much he loved me, but I had completely lost sight of that. I just kept thinking that if he loved me so much, why wouldn't he want to fix us?"

 

The story doesn't make sense. It is like it is was all great, he's loving, amazing, i love him like non other, we had this thing and then I put a shotgun to the marriage and pulled the trigger three times (by cheating). I don't get it.

Yes, this also made little or no sense to me. OP, can you clarify please?

Also saying that you "started to have sexal problems" because of his inexperience makes no sense - if its because he is inexperienced you would have had these issue from the start.

 

OK, a lot of people have 'chastised' you already, so I'll (try) not to do so.

 

I think the situation sounds pretty hopeless to be frank.

Even if you go to counselling I think he will always be afraid (with good reason I believe) that you will do the same again if he "isn't loving you" properly.

 

Right now, you probably think you won't, but that is because your fear of him leaving is overriding this. Once you think things are all ok, and you think he is staying, you will get the same feelings you had before when the relationship was ok - and you will probably go and cheat.

I'm not saying this to have a go at you - I just honestly think that this is what would happen.

 

And if I were talking to you husband, I'd tell him that if he wants to ever have any self respect he needs to leave you or otherwise live a life of frustration.

[devilish innocent]

It's been fifteen months since you cheated on him, and he would still rather suffer than try to fix the problem. I think he's checked out of the marriage but lacks the courage to end the marriage. You need to stop waiting for him. If you're not ready to end the marriage, then go to a counselor by yourself. Putting off getting help is only going to make things worse.