amytct Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Well, tomorrow will be three weeks of no contact, although I do admit I have been checking his Web site, but with less and less frequency. I wrote him a long e-mail telling him how I felt about the way he ended things, but it's been sitting in my draft box for three days and I'm not sure I'll ever send it. It just felt good to get my feelings out on paper. To send or not to send, that is the question at the moment.
westernxer Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I received one of those letters after two weeks of no contact... let's just say I respected her a lot less after reading it. It's been a year and counting... I'll never talk to her again. (Why do women do this?)
HotCaliGirl Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Do you want to send it to me? I can read it and let you know if it's something you should send or not...
Author amytct Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 I just sent you the letter in a private message. Thanks for agreeing to read it.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Got your letter - I gave you a LONG response, almost 80% of it amounting to material not to send...glad it was still in your draftbox and hope my feedback makes sense to you!
wildanduntamed Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 On normal circumstances I'd say NOT to send it. I know from personal experience I know it feels good to release the thoughts on paper, then burn them or throw them away. However... the last time I wrote such things, the person involved there ended up reading it. I was a little freaked at the time about it but thought the heck with it... I can handle whatever comes from it, as I am in a healthy committed relationship now, and knew full well that things would not be changing. Anyway, the guy read it and from what I can gather, he understood what I was feeling, and respected the maturity of it all. All well and good in my situation, the guy was mature enough to handle it like an adult, but a lot of guys I know (in fact most that I know ) would have reacted very differently. So, please, do yourself a favour and move on, do not send the letter, it may result in more tenacity and unease than you bargain for.
pizzanova Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 you can send it to me too and i'll pass on some insight...
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Vent vent and vent...AND DO not ever add in the email addy!! Cuz my friend had an AWFUL experience of hitting the wrong button or something and it flew off her screen...She called me SCREAMING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as it sent off... Write it all out, in a draft...Getting it out is good but honestly it isn't worth it ... He isn't going to react or feel the way you want him to and the response you may get or not get at all if he doesn't reply will just upset ya more. You've gone this long, go another day...Then another...Next thing you know a week has gone by. Keep busy and enjoy things you love to do. Hang with friends, pamper yourself and just know that soon you will feel OK...All that pain and saddness will leave. Remember WHY it ended and how much better you are without him. Concentrate on the negative parts of the relationship for a day or two - Even do a list! Things that bugged you about him!! Stuff like that. (Why do women do this?) Westy, closure is the main reason and also (some, not all) women want MEN to know how they feel at all times... Also to show them HOW MUCH pain they made us feel and to make them feel bad about it...Sadly amytct, though most of the time (if you were the one who got dumped) it never works! Hope this helps abit.
westernxer Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by wildanduntamed Anyway, the guy read it and from what I can gather, he understood what I was feeling, and respected the maturity of it all. All well and good in my situation, the guy was mature enough to handle it like an adult, but a lot of guys I know (in fact most that I know ) would have reacted very differently. You're lucky it turned out okay. Most of those letters make no sense whatsoever... this happens when emotions are running high. It's better to bury or burn the letter, or just address it to yourself and let catharsis do the rest. Since we're on the subject... why do women do this? It's illogical, especially when the dust is starting to settle. Do they want closure, revenge, the last word? I think retrospect has a lot to do with it... a way to sugar coat the painful experience of getting dumped by putting a unique spin on it . Saving face, if you will. Still doesn't change what happened, but maybe the ladies can help me understand why this happens.
westernxer Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Thanks, whichway. Feel free to ignore my soliloquy above.
HotCaliGirl Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 amytct - I hope my response didn't hurt your feelings. I was only giving my feedback to help you and have not heard back yet whether or not you agree. westernxer says: why do women do this? It's illogical, especially when the dust is starting to settle. Do they want closure, revenge, the last word? It's usually not for closure, revenge or the last word because the woman wants the man to respond and ideally to say "oh, so that's what happened...oh, so that's how you feel...so sorry..." but instead there is usually no response, validation or acknowledgement of what they are putting the girl through. I agree with whichwayisup who says: "closure is the main reason and also (some, not all) women want MEN to know how they feel at all times... Also to show them HOW MUCH pain they made us feel and to make them feel bad about it" I think women want the men to know exactly what their interpretation of what happened was. It is easier to express it in writing without any interruptions as when talking. Why don't men like these letters?! It doesn't change what happened, but can't they have some sympathy and understanding once they've read what the woman has poured her heart about?
Author amytct Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Thanks everyone for the supportive messages. I have decided NOT to send it. HotCaliGirl said a lot of things in a private message to me that made me sit back and think about whether sending it would serve a useful purpose. It won't. He chose to end things with the silent treatment and no resolution. I think it's downright cruel, but it's the choice he made and I have no choice but to accept it. If he was concerned about how I was doing, he would have made an attempt to contact me. I lost my dog four days after this happened and he knows that and he didn't even have the decency to send me something to say he was sorry. I will never forgive him for being so cold. I'm going to find my first professional position (recently received my master's degree) and if he wants to see how fabulous my life is, he can Google my name and read all about me.
westernxer Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by HotCaliGirl I think women want the men to know exactly what their interpretation of what happened was. It is easier to express it in writing without any interruptions as when talking. Why don't men like these letters?! It doesn't change what happened, but can't they have some sympathy and understanding once they've read what the woman has poured her heart about? I think I understand now... actually, I'm laughing my ass off because this is exactly what was written to me in the introductory phase (the part concerning not being interrupted). Too bad she had to wait so long to express herself... if only she could've been honest about her feelings from the beginning. I see it as too little too late, as in "she didn't care about how I felt when we were together, but now she wants to express how hurt she feels while ignoring the reasons why we broke up in the first place." Sounds a little self-centered to me, even delusional, and it reeks of immaturity, because it shows that she refuses to learn from her shortcomings. Knowing what her interpretation entails is trivial once it's over... I couldn't care less that the breakup hurt her, because when it comes down to it, I dodged a veritable bullet disguised as a tear drop, and she has no choice but to respect the outcome... because she certainly didn't respect me when she had my affections. Next time I'll just toss the unopened letter into the garbage, (hopefully there won't be a next time). Anyway, thanks for the insight. After all, I'm the one who started this thread, right? Originally posted by amtct He chose to end things with the silent treatment and no resolution. I think it's downright cruel, but it's the choice he made and I have no choice but to accept it. If he was concerned about how I was doing, he would have made an attempt to contact me. I lost my dog four days after this happened and he knows that and he didn't even have the decency to send me something to say he was sorry. I will never forgive him for being so cold. As far as he's concerned, everything's been resolved. The two of you broke up, and that's that. Don't misinterpret the silent treatment as a mode of punishment. He's done with you. Your dog died and he didn't send anything. That's not surprising. He doesn't want to resume contact. He'd keep his distance even if your mother died, and you'd have to respect it. (By the way, sorry about your dog... that sucks.) Sorry if this hurts, but I'm just trying to give you an idea of how he looks at it. He actually sounds a lot like me... once you break my trust and I reach my breaking point, why should I stay with you? Game over RIGHT NOW... the hell with going through the motions (this knocked my ex silly, but she had it coming). Anyway, you've gotta do things for yourself... if the mere thought of him motivates you to improve your life, then so be it. But he couldn't care less one way or the other. I'm glad you decided not to send that letter... Be strong, because he certainly is. Please don't take this personal. No, I'm not your ex's evil twin.
Author amytct Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 I don't take it personally and I appreciate hearing a man's point of view about this.
westernxer Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 Congratulations on your Master's. Hang in there. It's funny how differently men and women are wired.
whichwayisup Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I think westy is right. The thing is too, he is not part of your life anymore and you are not part of his. Life just moves on. Maybe he still thinks of you, wonders and wants to say hey - Some time in the future, but right now he isn't going to...And if he still does care for ya - He ain't gonna tell ya cuz that will bust his ego! I know it's stupid and all lol! Don't look at it as he's punishing you. That is only going to make you feel worse and be negative.
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