emva07 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Hey guys, Yet another crazy emva07 dating story I need help with. I've met this great great guy, we connect on every level... Except....he already told me he doesn't do the title thing from the get go bc in his past....giving that title is what makes the relationship sour. He definitely wants me and only me and he will only be mine. In public and to friends we'd obviously say we are together and show affection to one another, go on trips together and whatnot (not to be confused with him trying to hide it). But my problem with all this is being told what my role in his life will be without him even knowing me. I am on the market for a bf...that being said, i don't even know if i'd want it to be him because I DON'T KNOW HIM ENOUGH YET, which means i can't discard or assume anything yet like he has with me. Also, his previous relationships going sour have nothing to do with me, i get where he is coming from but that is not my cross to bare. I've been debating just cutting him off now....or waiting a few dates to gauge the reality....I know sometimes ppl say these things as a shield and then do something completely different. (Ronnie didn't go to the Jersey Shore to find love right? hahaha" He does seem like he'd be an amazing companion so I don't want to do anything rash.
mammasita Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 My first thought is "I don't like titles" translates to "I will never get married". I also know that men will tell us how they are up front, we always choose to ignore them and/or think we can change them. It never happens. I'd be extremely hesitant and probably brush him off. I'm sure I'm older than you though, I don't have the patience nor time to wait around and "hope" someone changes their mind about a commitment - which IMO is what assigning a title to a relationship boils down to. 9
Author emva07 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) My first thought is "I don't like titles" translates to "I will never get married". I also know that men will tell us how they are up front, we always choose to ignore them and/or think we can change them. It never happens. I'd be extremely hesitant and probably brush him off. I'm sure I'm older than you though, I don't have the patience nor time to wait around and "hope" someone changes their mind about a commitment - which IMO is what assigning a title to a relationship boils down to. He has been married before lol. Early 30s....said he wasn't ready as he was in his early 20s, divorced and says now that he is older he is looking to settle down with someone he can be sure of is the one. Contradicting no? He's looking for the one but doesn't want to give anyone the gf title?? He had a gf from 2013-2014 who wasn't a gf for the first 6 months, once he gave her the title he said everything changed and he doesn't want that to happen with me. But how does he know what will happen??? Edited April 24, 2015 by emva07
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Hey guys, Yet another crazy emva07 dating story I need help with. I've met this great great guy, we connect on every level... Except....he already told me he doesn't do the title thing from the get go bc in his past....giving that title is what makes the relationship sour. He definitely wants me and only me and he will only be mine. In public and to friends we'd obviously say we are together and show affection to one another, go on trips together and whatnot (not to be confused with him trying to hide it). But my problem with all this is being told what my role in his life will be without him even knowing me. I am on the market for a bf...that being said, i don't even know if i'd want it to be him because I DON'T KNOW HIM ENOUGH YET, which means i can't discard or assume anything yet like he has with me. Also, his previous relationships going sour have nothing to do with me, i get where he is coming from but that is not my cross to bare. I've been debating just cutting him off now....or waiting a few dates to gauge the reality....I know sometimes ppl say these things as a shield and then do something completely different. (Ronnie didn't go to the Jersey Shore to find love right? hahaha" He does seem like he'd be an amazing companion so I don't want to do anything rash. You simply make a statement about what you are looking for yourself out of your dating experiences and that you hope to have a long-term committed relationship that leads to marriage (don't be specific about him). And then, let him talk. If he doesn't do marriage either, move on. If a man doesn't like "interim" titles, i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend but still has the goal in mind to get married and you like him enough, go with it for a while. You still don't have any idea if you'd want to marry him anyway, so not much to lose really. If he's acting like a boyfriend, treating you the way you want to be treated and it is otherwise a good relationship, who cares what it's called in between. Just do periodic relationship "temperature" taking conversations to evaluate and monitor his/your continued investment or lack thereof toward the goal marrying each other. It could come at any point that either you or he decides you two aren't the ones for each other no matter what anyway. 1
Author emva07 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 You simply make a statement about what you are looking for yourself out of your dating experiences and that you hope to have a long-term committed relationship that leads to marriage (don't be specific about him). And then, let him talk. If he doesn't do marriage either, move on. If a man doesn't like "interim" titles, i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend but still has the goal in mind to get married and you like him enough, go with it for a while. You still don't have any idea if you'd want to marry him anyway, so not much to lose really. If he's acting like a boyfriend, treating you the way you want to be treated and it is otherwise a good relationship, who cares what it's called in between. Just do periodic relationship "temperature" taking conversations to evaluate and monitor his/your continued investment or lack thereof toward the goal marrying each other. It could come at any point that either you or he decides you two aren't the ones for each other no matter what anyway. yes, his end goal is to find "the one"...which is what makes it confusing.
Dork Vader Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 this is just my opinion.. What is a title worth? It's simply just a word or label put on a relationship. The title or label you put on a relationship will not define it. What will define the relationship is the actions of both parties. Is he willing to define boundaries and expectations of you? Is he willing to meet your expectations and boundaries of him? Those are what make couples/relationships. I've seen numerous people with the title of boy friend or girl friend have horrid relationships. I've seen numerous people have titles of husband and wife have horrid relationships as well. The title did absolutely NOTHING for the relationship. I also think you're getting a tad too far ahead of yourself here. This should not be an issue until you are ready for commitment. So I personally would continue on getting too know the person. When I'm ready too define commitment then I would talk to the person about it. It's the actions of and displays people make that define relationships not titles. Always keep that in mind. 1
preraph Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Nah, his little lecture about titles make the relationship go sour is just a red flag. He is probably after someone else in particular he wants to be free for just in case she comes around OR he's just planning on dating around. He can't say he isn't doing titles and then try to tell you you're exclusive at the same time. Remember, YOU have a say in this too. If you sleep with a guy and want to call him a boyfriend, then you can call him a boyfriend. That doesn't mean he's the only boyfriend. And that leads me to my next suggestion, which is that you openly date other guys while you're seeing this one (or dump this one entirely and save yourself a lot of trauma later) and REFUSE to say you're only seeing each other or that you're together. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, my dear. 6
kendahke Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Giving "titles" isn't what makes relationships go sour. It's acting in a way that is counter to being in a relationship that makes them go sour. Quite frankly, if he's that spooked over being called your boyfriend, then perhaps he's not really ready to be in a relationship and all that goes with them. I agree that you should take a step back from him. Look we've all been hurt in relationships and there is nothing guaranteed to us that will prevent us from being hurt in future ones. If he's living in fear of that, then he just needs to not enter into anything with anyone that involves emotions and feelings--just get a dog and be done with it. 4
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 He has been married before lol. Early 30s....said he wasn't ready as he was in his early 20s, divorced and says now that he is older he is looking to settle down with someone he can be sure of is the one. Contradicting no? He's looking for the one but doesn't want to give anyone the gf title?? He had a gf from 2013-2014 who wasn't a gf for the first 6 months, once he gave her the title he said everything changed and he doesn't want that to happen with me. But how does he know what will happen??? He doesn't know it will happen with you. In fact, he doesn't know that the reason things changed with the other woman was because of the title either. Whatever happened wasn't about the title. That's ridiculous. They simply got to the point where the relationship became more complicated and they were including each other more deeply in other aspects of their lives as causing them to have to deal with issues and concerns and maybe were seeing different sides of each other coming through and didn't share similar stress management/communication/conflict resolution skills or attitudes. Or, she got too comfortable with him, became more demanding of his time and clingy, etc. Even after you become boyfriend and girlfriend, you are still two individuals with your own lives to manage. The girl gets the title and thinks she's entitled to be in every aspect of a man's life. She starts giving up her own life and often is doing that even before the title comes. There always has to be balance all through a relationship. He needs space, she needs space. He wants to observe more closely, manage emotions and expectations. now that he is older he is looking to settle down with someone he can be sure of is the one. -- No one can be sure ever. But he is older and wiser and understanding all the levels of compatibility that exist. He's likely learned alot about himself and what he wants in a relationship. You haven't known each other long enough really for you to even be thinking about things out that far. Go out with him, enjoy the time spent, be in the moment, observe how he makes you feel, how he treats you. And, make sure you communicate effectively. Keep your own emotions in check. You may find later that you're the one who doesn't want to give him the boyfriend label
Author emva07 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 He doesn't know it will happen with you. In fact, he doesn't know that the reason things changed with the other woman was because of the title either. Whatever happened wasn't about the title. That's ridiculous. They simply got to the point where the relationship became more complicated and they were including each other more deeply in other aspects of their lives as causing them to have to deal with issues and concerns and maybe were seeing different sides of each other coming through and didn't share similar stress management/communication/conflict resolution skills or attitudes. Or, she got too comfortable with him, became more demanding of his time and clingy, etc. Even after you become boyfriend and girlfriend, you are still two individuals with your own lives to manage. The girl gets the title and thinks she's entitled to be in every aspect of a man's life. She starts giving up her own life and often is doing that even before the title comes. There always has to be balance all through a relationship. He needs space, she needs space. He wants to observe more closely, manage emotions and expectations. now that he is older he is looking to settle down with someone he can be sure of is the one. -- No one can be sure ever. But he is older and wiser and understanding all the levels of compatibility that exist. He's likely learned alot about himself and what he wants in a relationship. You haven't known each other long enough really for you to even be thinking about things out that far. Go out with him, enjoy the time spent, be in the moment, observe how he makes you feel, how he treats you. And, make sure you communicate effectively. Keep your own emotions in check. You may find later that you're the one who doesn't want to give him the boyfriend label How could I forget! Right after the title change, they moved in together and exactly as you described, the title made her be more demanding and inquisitive. 1
deathandtaxes Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 this is just my opinion.. What is a title worth? I think they're worth quite a lot! So how would you want to be introduced by your gf/lover/wife, etc? Hi Bob, this is Dork Vader. He's a 'friend'.? OP - I think the lack of title thing is to avoid a commitment in his own mind. That he's playing it safe not calling you a girlfriend. 2
Author emva07 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 I think they're worth quite a lot! So how would you want to be introduced by your gf/lover/wife, etc? Hi Bob, this is Dork Vader. He's a 'friend'.? OP - I think the lack of title thing is to avoid a commitment in his own mind. That he's playing it safe not calling you a girlfriend. We have only been on our first date, so I'm not the gf....we are just getting to know each other. It was just strange to me that he is already saying that when I haven't even made up my mind of whether I even WANT to be his gf 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) OP, I'll chime in here late and say that he's probably not on the same level as you. Saying he doesn't like titles is just a way to disguise his intention of not wanting a serious relationship. If a girl said something like that to me, I would next her without hesitation. To me hearing something like this means that I'm not good enough for them - and who wants to stick around for that ****? Edited April 24, 2015 by barcode88 5
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 How could I forget! Right after the title change, they moved in together and exactly as you described, the title made her be more demanding and inquisitive. Ok, now you have some insight! You know what at least contributed to that failure. And, it becomes a cycle. The woman starts encroaching on more and more of HIS space and he starts to feel smothered a little. So, he starts pulling back to reclaim some of it. To her it feels like neglect and maybe causing her to distrust him and starts pulling him harder. She's making him her entire world. The balance in the relationship crumbles. My point is, now you know what not to do if you get to that point with him and kinda how to approach it in between. 1
BluEyeL Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 He should be promptly dumped. Too much headache. 2
guest569 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Wait, its only been one date??? Well, if i was looking for a boyfriend, the label has to go with it. I think its suspicious and dodgy to say "well, we aren't girlfriend and boyfriend.,, we are committed" huh, what does that mean? A relationships should be clearly defined. So I would not waste my time with someone like that who gets his knickers in a twist over a single word.
h0000 Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 if you are fine with not having title ,stay. if not, leave. he wont change for you. not rocket science. 1
spiderowl Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 I can see your difficulty. I don't know the guy but he sounds controlling. He is setting the ground rules from the start for you not with you. You have a choice of whether to accept him setting the agenda or moving on. It doesn't sound like he wants a discussion on the matter. If someone really values you they are going to be willing to negotiate. If not, it's because they are controlling or they don't know how to conduct a relationship.
kendahke Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 We have only been on our first date, so I'm not the gf....we are just getting to know each other. It was just strange to me that he is already saying that when I haven't even made up my mind of whether I even WANT to be his gf He was putting you on notice.
Gary S Posted April 25, 2015 Posted April 25, 2015 It sounds like he could have some excess emotional baggage or is on the rebound. I'd be wary. 1
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