Lost trust in the love of my life and i'm going to lose her

[thelonewanderer]

Myself and my girlfriend have been together for 2 and 1/2 years. I am early 30's and she is mid 20's. We met while I was working away so she used to live 100 miles away, but she moved in with me 10 months ago. She is eastern european, and as such there are some cultural differences that we had to overcome, but also this provided some things that we enjoy together. For example, I have learned to speak her language.

Now we live together in my house which I had when we met, but we refurbished it together to 'make the house into a home'. We both invested financially in that.

I am usually such a cold, and non committal person, but I fell in love with her. We fell head over heels for each other and committed to each other in a huge way. Only a few months ago there was talk of marriage, when it would be good for us, children, also when would be the right time, even potential names. This is a huge thing for me, I have been in a couple of long term relationships, one for 7 years and I have never thought like this or had this conversation before. We talked about moving and buying a house together as well, we even went to view a few of them and our families became very close, holidaying together and such.

 

After we moved in together, there were a few little things we argued about. Not big things, who is doing the dishes etc. We overcame these by creating a few rules. We would take turns at that for example, or one cooks, one cleans. Early this year there were a few other things. I am at a pinnacle of my career at the moment, I was working a lot, and I partake in a sport which at the moment is very time consuming, but it is achieving a 10 year dream for me. She always supported me with this, and has even helped to organise, and offered to fund some of this with the promise that in the future, once this is done I will help her achieve her dreams. At this time, she wasnt working after moving in with me, and was quite sedentary at home, then at the end of January, she got a job near to where we live and started working a lot of hours. She works weekends, and I work office hours so we started to see each other very little, and this was a problem for us because she started to say we do not do much anymore. We talked about how we can solve this. I can work at home on one of her days off, she can get a weekend day off once a week/fortnight, and we can have lunch together on her other day off, things like this.

Despite all of this, we remained strong and committed to each other. We were still madly in love.

 

At the beginning of march, I went on a holiday with some friends, and she stayed at home. This isnt out of the ordinary, we both travel a lot. While I was there, I had some time to think about everything, and after turning down quite a beautiful girl in a bar, I thought to myself, I reaaaaaally love her more than anyone I have met before, and I will go home to resolve the small issues, and build up to a proposal.

 

I flew home from the holiday, and went to meet her at her friends place near the airport, as we had planned a night out there that night. I walked in and with my case in my hand, and still holding my jacket, i knew there was something wrong. She was cold with me. We ended up going out and having a little disagreement over something, because there was tension in the air. The next morning, we left and the car had been towed. We went to pick it up, and started the long journey back to our home town. In the car she gets a call, a mans voice, asking about the car. I thought nothing of it and we continued on to home.

 

We arrived and unpacked our things and due to this we were running around from room to room, moving things around. Every time I went in the room, she would panic and put her phone in her pocket. I thought nothing of it, we had a kiss and a hug, then decided to shower together. We do this a lot, not always necessarily with a view to having sex, but its a romantic thing we did together. In the shower, she started to kiss me and it was on my mind that she was hiding something from me, so I confronted her. "Who are you texting?" ... "no-one"

I have been in that position before, and I am not stupid so I applied some pressure until she showed me the messages. It was a guy from work, twice her age, and he was clearly trying to convince her to sleep with him. To give her credit, she was telling him to behave. They had also been talking on the phone for long periods while I was away.

This is a part I am not proud of... I hit the roof. I went mad and I shouted, I told her to be honest with me, asked her how she could do this etc etc. I realise now that I should have dealt with it in a much more relaxed manner. She tells me what happened that night pushed her away a bit, and I suspect, further towards this man.

Part of the reason i was so angry is, he is married, he has two children, but most of all he is pursuing the most important thing in the world to me.

 

Things have spiralled out of control since, i suspect with good evidence that she has been seeing him, at work and on her days off when I am working. They have been sending each other selfies, memes and other stuff, yet all the while she tells me she is not sure this is what she wants, but then she loves me and wants us to figure things out.

It has got worse and worse, and I have told her that I am willing to draw a line under things and move on. We went to visit her family last week, and I came home early for work. She stayed there for some time to think things over. She came home ready to end it, but she said that when she saw me, she couldnt do it, and that she loves me. We talked the day after, and we decided to give it a go, one chance where we both lose the anger and mistrust, and make a go of things. The issue is, that I feel like the promises from her are weak.

 

For the first time in 2 months, there were a couple of days with some nice moments, we realised again the things we love about each other. We had 4 good days and then 1 bad day, and she saw this as a failure. I was remaining optimistic about it and told her it will not all come at once, we need to work on it.

Then Wednesday came. My brother in law saw her viewing a property near to where he lives and he told me immediately. She did not tell me anything about it. I confronted her about my suspicions and the lies I knew she had told. She said that viewing the place was a reaction to the argument we had, and she left there thinking "we would love to live there together".

 

The next morning, we awoke and had another chat. She said she did not know what to do, and I told her that I cannot live like this anymore, I need her to decide. I asked if she felt trapped, and she said yes, and I said "indecision also means a no for me, I need you to decide". So she said no. We agreed that she would move out, and she filled in the application form for the property she viewed.

 

We then went downstairs and talked again, I confronted her about more issues and I reiterated the fact that if she is truthful, we might be able to draw a line, and get through this. I asked her what her perfect scenario would be. She said "i would love to move there, I would love to be able to call you for a hug, a kiss, go on a date and have a walk in the garden together". I thought about it for a while, and I said "ok, maybe we can have some time apart, take it slow, but this must be based on truthfulness, honesty and fidelity". She has reiterated that she wants this to me in a message while she was working.

 

Now the problem is, this house is actually closer to where he lives than I. It is 35 minutes drive from me, probably 10 minutes from his family home, and on the route between there and their work place.

 

Now, despite the promise of honesty and fidelity, there are still unanswered questions. She maintains the fact that nothing apart from messages have happened with this guy, and she says shes sorry for making me feel like this. But the evidence is stacked against her. There are some things she did not confirm, but she also did not deny. Until I know her heart is 100% committed to making this work, I dont think I can do it. It is now at risk of causing issues in my career, and it is already getting in the way of my training for that dream I have. I am considering telling her that it is over despite that being what I want least. I love her.

 

Anyone I know will tell you that I am a strong, confident guy. I work hard, I look after myself and I am truthful and faithful. But this is destroying me. I love her more than anything I have ever seen, anyone I have ever met, anything I have ever done. I am a broken man, and I need advice.

[PegNosePete]

Dude, She has got one foot out of the door. And the other is halfway out too. She is effectively ending the relationship but in a slow controlled manner, so that she is not homeless. She's trying for the "lets be friends" thing with all the going for dates and walks in the garden bollox. She's basically trying not to make you mad, so that she has time to move out in a controlled manner.

 

As soon as she's out and all her stuff is moved, I would bet my bottom dollar that you never see her (romantically) again. She's trying to let you down gently and these false hopes are just that, false hopes to convince you to work on her timetable.

[thelonewanderer]

Apologies for the huge amount of text.

 

I just read the "grass is greener syndrome" post.. and it seems like a good fit.. maybe that is what she is going through

 

I also forgot to mention, this guy is twice her age, literally. He has had 2 previous wives and his existing wife is 15 years his junior. He is clearly accustomed to this kind of thing and it breaks my heart that I cannot protect her from him.

[thelonewanderer]

You are not the first to say that PegNosePete and its gut wrenching to hear.

I was planning to say to her this tonight:

"There are still unanswered questions, and when I relive our conversation from yesterday I realise that there were a lot of things you did not deny. I meant it when I said we could move on from this, but until I know that your heart is in it 100%, and you are committed to our relationship I cannot do this. I love you, but you need to go."

 

What do you reckon? Or do I just tell her to go?

[ManyDissapoint]

I understand that you are very much invested in this woman and relationship as well as your emotions for the same.

 

At the same time this whole thing smells really fishy. In my opinion you need to assert your boundaries. You can't really lose by doing so. She will respect you more, and you will respect yourself more. At the end of the day she is going to do what she is going to do, and you can't really do anything about it.

 

She will not like it, and you will mostly likely have to go no contact and begin healing.

 

I can feel your pain by reading your story and I wish you all the best.

[ZiggyZoo]

Does it really matter if she 's done anything physical with this guy or not? She's certainly crossed lines of appropriate behavior, with her chatting, texting, and sending pictures to him right in front of you. Not to mention hanging out with him while you're not around. This, coupled with the fact that she was looking at other places without mentioning it to you just indicates to me that she's on her way to having an affair with him. It sounds like your gut is telling you the same thing.

 

I know that you are in love with her, but her ideal scenario being, "i would love to move there, I would love to be able to call you for a hug, a kiss, go on a date and have a walk in the garden together" is a far cry from "Let's take a step back but still work on us being together". It sounds like she's setting you up to be a Plan B, honestly. It doesn't sound like she is as in love with you anymore as she needs to be for this to work.

 

I think she's already gone. I'm so sorry, and I know that's not what you want to hear, but I think there's not a chance that this will work out with her. She's already shaken your trust in her, and I don't see anything from what you've written that would show any willingness on her part to fix this.

[mightycpa]

What Ziggy said. And not only that, she's doing this with a guy who is already married! That alone tells me she's not as SPECIAL as you think she is. She's clearly not worthy of your commitment, because she clearly does not respect commitment.

 

Her moral compass is spinning, and can you imagine if you had married her? You think you'd be safe?

 

The blinders have been taken off, and the illusion is gone. She's flying the flag with her true colors on it. Consider this a blessing because now you can see her for who she truly is.

 

Now, the only thing you have to be is willing to see it.

[PegNosePete]

I was planning to say to her this tonight:

"There are still unanswered questions, and when I relive our conversation from yesterday I realise that there were a lot of things you did not deny. I meant it when I said we could move on from this, but until I know that your heart is in it 100%, and you are committed to our relationship I cannot do this. I love you, but you need to go."

No, I wouldn't bother. She is already going anyway so there's no need to say anything. Apart from, when are you moving out? Then just don't talk to her, do the 180.

[Chi townD]

Yeah, I agree with the others dude. She moving closer to him. She moving out so she can conduct her affair without any static from you. She can talk to him on the phone openly if she wants to, she can text him openly without fear of you accidentally seeing what they are writing to each other. And she'll have a place right around the corner from him to come "visit her" for a little private time.

 

 

If you don't think that "stuff" happened between the two of them while you are away on trips, then I have a bridge to sell you. So, if this is the case, why is she stringing you along? Simple! He's Married!!! She knows that there might be a possibility that he won't leave his wife for her, but she's setting herself up with the best opportunity to try and make that happen! But, if he still won't leave her, then she's got you! Hello Mr. Back Up Plan!!!!

 

 

I mean, if this dude is married with two kids, I would drop a line to the OMW and let her know what kind of man she married.

 

 

Dude, you're getting played.

[thelonewanderer]

No, I wouldn't bother. She is already going anyway so there's no need to say anything. Apart from, when are you moving out? Then just don't talk to her, do the 180.

 

You mean I should do the 180?

 

Yeah, I agree with the others dude. She moving closer to him. She moving out so she can conduct her affair without any static from you. She can talk to him on the phone openly if she wants to, she can text him openly without fear of you accidentally seeing what they are writing to each other. And she'll have a place right around the corner from him to come "visit her" for a little private time.

 

 

If you don't think that "stuff" happened between the two of them while you are away on trips, then I have a bridge to sell you. So, if this is the case, why is she stringing you along? Simple! He's Married!!! She knows that there might be a possibility that he won't leave his wife for her, but she's setting herself up with the best opportunity to try and make that happen! But, if he still won't leave her, then she's got you! Hello Mr. Back Up Plan!!!!

 

 

I mean, if this dude is married with two kids, I would drop a line to the OMW and let her know what kind of man she married.

 

 

Dude, you're getting played.

 

You're probably right. I have a letter he left on her car, and many photos / conversations that they have had to be able to show the OMW. The one thing I dont want though, is them to break up and he ends up with my OH. Not because I love her or anything, but that sitation would ruin her life, she is very young compared to him, like I said, 1/2 his age, and he has clearly done this a few times and she would be the next victim.

 

I am more and more realizing that I need to do the 180 that Pete speaks of

[Esraem]

Dude. She is making this bed. She can lay in it. If she ends up with him she will learn quickly that she made a huge mistake. My wife is pretty much doing the same thing. Only issue is I have a daughter to protect.

 

If you are not holding back for love then take care of it and what happens, happens.

[thelonewanderer]

Dude. She is making this bed. She can lay in it. If she ends up with him she will learn quickly that she made a huge mistake. My wife is pretty much doing the same thing. Only issue is I have a daughter to protect.

 

If you are not holding back for love then take care of it and what happens, happens.

I sympathise completely with you, I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. Thanks for your advice and I hope you manage to resolve or get through your situation.

[Esraem]

I sympathise completely with you, I would not wish this upon my worst enemy. Thanks for your advice and I hope you manage to resolve or get through your situation.

 

The longer it goes the more I am resolved to let her go. She will most likely fail and like your GF, she is 25 years younger than him and the guy is older than her dad.

 

Keep your head up.

[elaine567]

I asked if she felt trapped.

She said yes.

 

I said "indecision also means a no for me, I need you to decide".

She said no.

 

We agreed that she would move out, and she filled in the application form for the property she viewed..

 

She made her decision. She has no intention at the moment of coming back, sorry.

 

She said "I would love to move there, I would love to be able to call you for a hug, a kiss, go on a date and have a walk in the garden together".

Means she basically wants a platonic relationship with you, because she will miss you and she may need your support as a friend in the future.

[Chi townD]

You mean I should do the 180?

 

 

 

You're probably right. I have a letter he left on her car, and many photos / conversations that they have had to be able to show the OMW. The one thing I dont want though, is them to break up and he ends up with my OH. Not because I love her or anything, but that sitation would ruin her life, she is very young compared to him, like I said, 1/2 his age, and he has clearly done this a few times and she would be the next victim.

 

I am more and more realizing that I need to do the 180 that Pete speaks of

 

 

 

Okay; first off, she is NOT a victim! If this is what she's actually doing, then it's a calculated move o her part. Victims do make calculated moves for their attacker or oppressor's sake. She knows damn well what she's doing. Therefore, she's not a victim.

 

 

Chances are if you showed that stuff to the OMW, the OM would throw your girlfriend under the bus in a New York minute to save his own ass. Alimony and child support for two kids? That dude would know he would be in the poor house.

 

 

Plus, even if he did run to your girlfriend and moved in with her, so what! The deserve each other and you can take solace in the fact that their relationship won't last because of several factors. First, less than 7% of all relationships that start from an affair actually survive in the long haul. Then, he is twice her age and that's going to play a factor. Then, if his wife takes him to the cleaners in the divorce (if it comes to that) alimony and child support is going to drain him financially and if they want to go out and do something fun, your ex girlfriend would probably have to flip the bill everytime and that going to get old for her.

 

 

In the meanwhile, you will have hopefully healed from this betrayal and start having a fun time with family and friends. She'll hear about the adventures you're having and maybe one day she'll say to herself, "Damn, I just heard wanderer just took off to Jamaica for the week and I'm stuck here looking forward to sitting on the couch with the old man and seeing what's on Netflix. I screwed up bad."

[Mrin]

What others have said. She's gone. And she will go try to be a kept woman. You have a big disconnection between who you think she is and who she really is. Have you ever considered she may have Daddy issues? And this the 2x age gap is intoxicating to her?

 

Just tell her to go and turn your back on her. Go NC and stay that way. It is over.