mortensorchid Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) I have a friend who is now separated from him wife of almost 25 years. In the whole time I have known both of them, he always told me how crazy he is/was about her. Things came crashing down about 6 months ago (of which I won't go into, needless to say it's a mess) where she is half living in her car and half living at someone else's house - either theirs or one of the multiple guys she is cheating on him with. Aside from that nightmare, he asked if I wanted to hang out sometime. I said ok, thinking that he needed a friend right now. Well after our night out two weeks ago, as we said our good-byes he leans over and kisses me. I was a bit shocked that he did this and told him so. He said "You're hard to read". I said I am like that on purpose because people take things and use them against you for some reason. He leaned in for another and I said no. He asked why. I said "You're married to someone else." He said I'm separated from her, I said you're still married to her until you sign the papers. I'm sorry, that's how it is. Some would call me prissy or uptight about things like that, but I believe in it fully. He's still married to the woman no matter what the circumstances are. How do others feel about that? Edited April 24, 2015 by mortensorchid Incomplete before posting 2
Toodaloo Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Morten. Go to my history. Look at my first post on these boards... They think they are "over it" they think they are good to go... but they are not. He may be the best guy in the world but he needs time to get over his wife. Tread carefully honey. Don't end up in the mess I was. I know you feel a bit pressured etc but don't you have all the time in the world... 4
PegNosePete Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 6 months is waaaayyyyyy to short to get over a 25 year marriage. You would totally be a rebound. Be a friend, nothing more. 1
DivorcedDad123 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I was married for 20 years. At 6 months seperation,I was done. Done! We all don't fawn over our ex for years. Alot of times,the detachment begins years before seperation or divorce,and it took me 2 years from start to finish after filing. 2 and a half from actual seperation. If you're interested in him,I hope you have that much time to wait.
BluEyeL Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 He's likely to be on the rebound for years. It depends of the people involved and the marriage, but yeah, he's not a good prospect.
mammasita Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I'm with you 150%. He's still legally married and I'm sure traumatized even though not outwardly showing it. I used to think "eh separated is OK" but as I've gotten older....NOPE, no bueno. 2
Toodaloo Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I'm with you 150%. He's still legally married and I'm sure traumatized even though not outwardly showing it. I used to think "eh separated is OK" but as I've gotten older....NOPE, no bueno. Ditto! Now if I hear the phrase "separated" I am running for the hills before they have finished their sentence. Morten you deserve someone that is just for you and you only. Until those papers are signed he is someone elses. You are doing the right thing. Good luck and keep your chin up. 1
Gaeta Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I made that mistake. After 1 year dating he went back to his ex-wife. We road tested it for you no need for you to try it and get hurt. 2
carhill Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Given that more and more people are living together without being married, it just occurred to me that there's no official label for those people when they break up. They can be just as traumatized and just as legally entangled in financial and other aspects of coupledom as married people but they can simply say 'I'm single'. Ha, one more reason not to be married, based on labels people apply. In this case, OP, you're presumably a longtime friend of the marriage and IMO he shouldn't be hitting on you anyway. Yeah, I get that people have different boundaries on such matters. The real issue that comes in is if you would otherwise date him, indicating something I used to do when younger, that being seemingly innocently 'orbiting'. On that aspect alone, I'd suggest your current path of action, refraining from accepting his advances, is a healthy one. Since infidelity is apparently involved, he believes, that makes things even more of a minefield emotionally. The more dramatic, the more likely things are to go sideways. I seriously doubt he'd be a good friend right now and his primary reason for contact is sexual or emotional companionship but not in an equal fashion so keep things platonic and at a polite distance. He has male friends to lean on and, trust me, he won't be leaning in to kiss them. Heh...
Frank2thepoint Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Separated really doesn't mean anything in a marriage. They are still married legally, and him kissing you means he just cheated on his wife. You should have busted his balls for that in my opinion.
Syberia Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 The person's legal marital status should have nothing to do with it. The "wheels of justice" may turn more slowly than the guy's feelings, or they may not. That's up to you to figure out. It is not cheating in my eyes, he was "free" the moment the papers were filed. The rest is just a technicality. That said, he may not have moved on yet or be ready for a new relationship. The progress of his divorce has nothing to do with that.
introverted1 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Given that more and more people are living together without being married, it just occurred to me that there's no official label for those people when they break up. They can be just as traumatized and just as legally entangled in financial and other aspects of coupledom as married people but they can simply say 'I'm single'. Yep. And, as someone else said, this guy could have been mentally and emotionally checked out for months prior to the paperwork, which would put him in a healed state right now, or he could still be pining for the good old days. You're going to have to use your judgement. There are no guarantees ever.
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