I think I've messed things up...

[laurbee]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I apologize, but I knew of no where else to post my relationship problem, as I feel like this falls under many categories at this community forum. If this belongs somewhere else more appropriate, please move it there.

 

Please bear with me, as it's a lot I need to address. Some background information: We are both 25, he is from NY and I am from NC. He actively pursued me since Christmas, but we didn't go on our first date until February because I wanted to be sure about him. I am a virgin, and have not dated much because, frankly, I could always tell who I did and didn't want to date. This is my first actual adult relationship.

 

I am not a very confrontational person, and I tend to take things, hold them inside, and try my best not to rock the boat. But he said he wanted me to communicate with him and to tell him when I am upset about things. Now, when I get upset about something, I am the type where if I talk about it with someone, I can get over it in about 5 or 10 minutes. We spoke in person about how I was beginning to get jealous of a girl who constantly texted him. We talked about it, I realized there was no need to be jealous as his talking to her took nothing away from our time together, and that was the end of it.

 

But that is really the only time I have said my feelings in person. Every other time I have been upset, I've sent it in a text. I know, that's the first issue right there. I stupidly think that because I know how something is supposed to sound, people can tell how I mean it. Which yes, I know isn't the case.

 

Our two most recent issues have, in his words, gotten him questioning everything. Last week, he asked me how I can want something but not be ready for it at the same time (in that I want to..be more intimate but am not exactly fully ready), and how could I have been ready for him to give me oral when I wasn't ready for the actual. And I was honest with him, again, via text. I said at the time I wasn't sure if I was ready, and while I understand how intimate it is and never thought I would do that outside of marriage, I didn't let the gravity of it hit me at the time. But since we have done it, I enjoy it and fully appreciate how intimate it is. But from that, he decided that if I'm not ready for the actual I'm not ready to receive oral, and planned to withhold it until we had done the actual. I got upset, feeling like he was just trying to get me to do it. Please understand that logically I know he isn't like that, as every time we are together he actively ensures my comfort and checks that I am ok. Anyway, when we met up later that night, he went back on everything he said and didn't withhold it. Confusing, right?

 

Then yesterday, a friend of mine told me how her boyfriend broached the subject of marriage already. They have been dating a little longer than my boyfriend and I have. He is 32 to my bf's 25, but he lives with relatives and doesn't have a steady job, whereas mine owns his own home and is the top person in his department at his job. Now, please believe me when I say that I am in no rush to get married; I want to get my masters, which will take about 2 years, and I don't want to even be engaged until I have it in my hand. While everyone around me is getting married, literally all I wanna do is get a steady job and have a nice bottle of wine.

 

But I made the mistake of telling him about the 10 minutes of jealousy and sadness I felt again via text. I know, I should have told another girl friend this. Anyway, he responded "idk what to tell you" and then "marriage isn't in the cards for me." So I got tunnel vision, thinking he meant not at all or just not with me. I told him, logically I understand you and he are in 2 very different places, but it's not making me less sad, and he said "but it should though." Anyway, he took me being sad in that moment that he wasn't ready for a marriage talk as me trying to force him into something he isn't ready for, and that wasn't my intention at all. Literally just wanted a chill conversation, or for him to say "Baby I love you but I'm not ready to have that talk." That would have been the end of it.

 

Logically, I know he is serious about me. We had a similar conversation, where he told me at this point in his life he wouldn't waste his time with someone he didn't see a future with. He has told me he's never felt this way about anyone, has given me a key to his house, has told his parents about me (that he says he doesn't do), says his friends can always predict the end of a relationship but can tell I'm special, plans travel plans for this summer and even next year. He's even joked to a mutual friend, when I do something that impresses him, that I'm "getting Disney World," where he thinks I want to get married (it isn't, but details). I know he loves me like he says he does.

 

But now, I have a horrible feeling. He said I get upset about something every week, which isn't inaccurate, but remember, I said I don't mean to make a big deal about them, and only mean for a conversation about them to last 5 or 10 minutes. I know things get blown out of proportion and he takes them to be far more seriously because I tell him in text message (I know, problem!!) and not in person where I can actually show him it's not a big deal by the tone of my voice. But I can't explain any of this to him, because he wants to wait and talk next week and take the weekend to cool off. He's been planning for weeks now to go to Atlanta this weekend and visit his 2 older brothers.

 

I'm scared he's going to come back and not want to talk this through, just end it. He wants his space until next week, and I am giving him that and not talking to him. He says when he gets upset he goes into a shell and then comes out when he's over it, but in the past when we've had disagreements I've reminded him I love him, and he has always said it back. This time he hasn't. Which makes me think the radio silence is just to make ending this easier, like all my boyfriends in the past did.

 

What do you all think? Have I completely ruined this? Do I have any hope of us working through these miscommunications? Everyone here says I haven't ruined it, that we can work through this, and he won't dump me over misinterpreted texts, but I wanted to ask people who don't know me personally. And what should I say when we have our talk?

Edited April 24, 2015 by laurbee

[d0nnivain]

First of all STOP TEXTING! Never ever talk about emotions or serious things via text. Save it for a few line quip . . . like twitter. If you need more than 10 words, pick up the phone.

 

Second, remember your BF is not your BFF. Use your GFs as a sounding board when you are unsure (except when it comes to your relationship). Hashing out am I ready for sex which is a conversation focused on you and how you feel about your friends' upcoming marriage is fodder for girl talk.