Strange Situation

[ManInMN]

Hi Forum. New Here.

 

I recently met a woman from online dating after messaging for quite a while, then talking on the phone. She seemed a bit overeager, calling every morning and night and talking for hours before meeting, even though I mentioned I'm not one for talking on the phone much. I enjoyed our conversations and didn't want to be rude by cutting her off, but maybe this was a mistake on my part? There were a couple of things that bothered me, such as her talking a lot about exes and bragging about all the attention she gets from guys. Also asking a lot about my past relationships, and if I was a jealous person. Overall we really seemed to click though.

 

Once we met, things got intimate quickly. At first she said she was looking for a relationship and was worried about having sex too soon. I didn't think it was a problem since we seemed to have a good connection and assured her I wasn't in it just for sex. I wasn't pushy or anything, and we did end up in the bedroom. She's a very sexual person so nothing seemed awkward about it. We met 5 times or so over 2 weeks, with me staying the night at her place once. I didn't meet her kids yet as I though it better to get to know one another first.

 

She seemed very into me, calling multiple times a day which seemed a bit much but hey - I did like her and we seemed to get along great. She seemed to be going for an instant relationship kind of deal, and I'm not experienced with relationships. I think this may be where I went wrong, trying to explain to her that I've never been a relationship kind of guy but that it could be a possibility. I maybe made myself out to be a player, which I'm not.

 

We kind of started to talk about "where we stand" the last time I saw her, although not directly and we ran out of time since she had to leave and I never got to fully explain where I was coming from. I'm admittedly a bad communicator, which is something I know I need to work on.

 

Now - she was always the one calling me, but the next day she says "you can call me too you know." I had no problem doing so, but when I call her phone was turned off. She returned my call but had no time to talk, so I said I'd call her later that night. Twice over the weekend I called, only to get no answer or callback. The week before she would always answer right away, or else call back immediately.

 

Then one morning she calls, and basically says she can't be in a relationship because of "too much stress" and baggage and issues with her ex. He's the father of one of her children and apparently gives her a hard time. Anyway, she mentioned being "friends" for now which i took to mean fwb at the time. I was tired and the conversation went so quickly that I didn't have time to process anything.

 

It was bothering me the more I thought about it, because I think I would like more with her and figured I may have screwed things up by not being clear enough in my intentions. Things just progressed so quickly that I was caught off guard. There were some red flags to be sure, but hey I'm not exactly perfect either.

 

This morning I called to see about getting together so we could talk in person. She says "I'll call you later" - and surprise! She never did.

 

I'm not going to contact her again as it seems she really is playing games with me at this point while I've done my best to be honest with her. I'm just not really sure if I screwed up a possible good thing or dodged a bullet. I haven't had any healthy long term relationships, only one very toxic one as an adult so obviously I have some baggage myself. I feel like I'm at the point in my life that I'm ready for something meaningful though, and now I'm feeling a bit disappointed and left shaking my head.

 

I though getting some different perspectives on this might help me understand how to do better with future dating prospects. Thoughts?

[jen1447]

Hm. It sounds like you flipped her over somehow in a fairly short time and now she's done. It happens, women can run hot and cold, and once it gets cold it's not likely ever warming up again. She sounds a bit shallow to just stop talking but there are plenty of shallow people out there, even ones who show other positive traits. She may be trying to build her nest on the fast track or something and decided you weren't moving quick enough or that you 'failed' for some other reason.

 

Couple insights that may not exactly be revelatory but wtf ....

 

- It's usually a bad sign when a woman mentions that you can/should call, because it means she's focusing on a perceived shortcoming of yours. If she's focusing on your shortcomings in a reasonably new relationship, that means she's re-evaluating, and that usually means you're on the way out.

 

- The "friend" thing ....god I wish it would just go away. Haven't we all had enough of that line of BS? Here's the deal with being "friends" - unless she (or he, guys do it too) has some good reason to actually be friends, she's not going to be your friend, period. Good reasons don't include having dated for 2 weeks or six weeks or even 6 months, frankly. But there are plenty of reasons not to be friends, the most significant of which is as an ex you're reduced to baggage status, and who wants to carry that around all the time?

 

When anyone tells you they want to be friends, what it actually means usually is that they're beginning the Two Week Waiting Period. The TWWP is the amount of time a newly minted ex is willing to invest in pretending to 'help' the bereaved and also serves as the amount of time it generally takes to stop feeling guilty for f*cking them over. When the two weeks is up, generally you'll never hear from them again, they'll be too busy to take your calls or answer your texts until hours or even days later if your lucky until they stop altogether, and then they'll rationalize that it happened 'organically' and never give it a second thought.

 

An offer of genuine friendship can help the dumped greatly if it's genuine. (I know many don't agree but I've done it a lot - simply establish new boundaries and be there for them within those boundaries. Eventually they wean off of you in most cases after a while and go away with their chin up.) The problem is the offer's almost never genuine.

 

Probably went of course a bit with all that sorry but hopefully it gives you sth to chew on anyway.

[ManInMN]

Thanks Jen, that's some helpful insight.

 

The "you can call me" statement took me aback because she was already contacting me so much that it seemed unnecessary for me to call her. She seems to have an extreme need for attention, while I am nearly the opposite. Maybe it was just doomed from the start.

 

Another thing that raised an eyebrow was her mentioning how she'd broken guys' hearts in the past and almost seemed to be bragging about it. There might be more going on under the surface with her than I would have been able to handle anyway.

[jen1447]

Yeah, it kinda sounds like it.

 

Do take away a lesson from the calling thing tho. I'm glad you're honest about how it was, but that's not a good way to be. You can starve a woman to death by not showing enough interest for her to think her effort is going to pay off, and calling is a good example. It amounts to a basic show of respect and initiative when you do it, not so much a division of labor or practical thing. So when you don't do it ....you get the picture.

[ManInMN]

I was the one calling her in the beginning, but once she started calling me I was talking to her multiple times a day. I don't talk on the phone daily to people I've known my whole life, so it didn't occur to me that I should have initiated even more contact. I suppose I may have come across as cold to her. I do have a tendency to seem cold and distant in general, so while I thought I was being open she probably didn't see it that way.

[El Pallasso]

You dodged a bullet. Classic symptoms of a BPD woman.

[ManInMN]

That's interesting, because it was something I suspected. Even more interesting is that I took an online "BPD test" and found I was in the "likely" category myself. Hmmm...

[Redhead14]

Hi Forum. New Here.

 

I recently met a woman from online dating after messaging for quite a while, then talking on the phone. She seemed a bit overeager, calling every morning and night and talking for hours before meeting, even though I mentioned I'm not one for talking on the phone much. I enjoyed our conversations and didn't want to be rude by cutting her off, but maybe this was a mistake on my part? There were a couple of things that bothered me, such as her talking a lot about exes and bragging about all the attention she gets from guys. Also asking a lot about my past relationships, and if I was a jealous person. Overall we really seemed to click though.

 

Once we met, things got intimate quickly. At first she said she was looking for a relationship and was worried about having sex too soon. I didn't think it was a problem since we seemed to have a good connection and assured her I wasn't in it just for sex. I wasn't pushy or anything, and we did end up in the bedroom. She's a very sexual person so nothing seemed awkward about it. We met 5 times or so over 2 weeks, with me staying the night at her place once. I didn't meet her kids yet as I though it better to get to know one another first.

 

She seemed very into me, calling multiple times a day which seemed a bit much but hey - I did like her and we seemed to get along great. She seemed to be going for an instant relationship kind of deal, and I'm not experienced with relationships. I think this may be where I went wrong, trying to explain to her that I've never been a relationship kind of guy but that it could be a possibility. I maybe made myself out to be a player, which I'm not.

 

We kind of started to talk about "where we stand" the last time I saw her, although not directly and we ran out of time since she had to leave and I never got to fully explain where I was coming from. I'm admittedly a bad communicator, which is something I know I need to work on.

 

Now - she was always the one calling me, but the next day she says "you can call me too you know." I had no problem doing so, but when I call her phone was turned off. She returned my call but had no time to talk, so I said I'd call her later that night. Twice over the weekend I called, only to get no answer or callback. The week before she would always answer right away, or else call back immediately.

 

Then one morning she calls, and basically says she can't be in a relationship because of "too much stress" and baggage and issues with her ex. He's the father of one of her children and apparently gives her a hard time. Anyway, she mentioned being "friends" for now which i took to mean fwb at the time. I was tired and the conversation went so quickly that I didn't have time to process anything.

 

It was bothering me the more I thought about it, because I think I would like more with her and figured I may have screwed things up by not being clear enough in my intentions. Things just progressed so quickly that I was caught off guard. There were some red flags to be sure, but hey I'm not exactly perfect either.

 

This morning I called to see about getting together so we could talk in person. She says "I'll call you later" - and surprise! She never did.

 

I'm not going to contact her again as it seems she really is playing games with me at this point while I've done my best to be honest with her. I'm just not really sure if I screwed up a possible good thing or dodged a bullet. I haven't had any healthy long term relationships, only one very toxic one as an adult so obviously I have some baggage myself. I feel like I'm at the point in my life that I'm ready for something meaningful though, and now I'm feeling a bit disappointed and left shaking my head.

 

I though getting some different perspectives on this might help me understand how to do better with future dating prospects. Thoughts?

 

First of all, you're right, her calling as often as she did and then stating that you could call too, was a bit much. And, if she's calling you so often, why does she need even more contact by having you call? That's really clingy and needy. That being said, later she dropped the "too much stress/baggage" thing on you. I'd say you were simply a distraction for her from all that.

 

"We kind of started to talk about "where we stand" the last time I saw her, although not directly and we ran out of time since she had to leave and I never got to fully explain where I was coming from. I'm admittedly a bad communicator, which is something I know I need to work on."

 

It was really fast to even try to have that conversation. But since it came up and there wasn't really enough time to address it properly, I would have said I'd like to talk about all this, but can we do it X day at X time?

 

Move on from this one.

[kendahke]

You dodged a bullet.

 

You've said that she comes on way too strong, that you're not a relationship kind of person, and overall, it seems like you're finding a lot of reasons for cutting this off anyway.

 

The fact that she's scatterbrained, hypersexual and still dealing with ex baggage still are huge red flags and you'd be remiss in ignoring them.

[ManInMN]

Thanks Redhead and kendahke. In the future I'll pay closer attention to the subtle warning signs. I'm actually feeling grateful that things didn't progress any further at this point.