Camaro Guy Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I was thinking earlier today...what is it about confidence that really makes a woman "go"? I mean, it seems so abstract, so undefinable. Then I thought about how people in general like confidence. Still, it seems to be a particular sticking point with women. "Be confident." "I love confident men." "Confidence is everything." Was this all bull**** about how women cover up that they're attracted to the good looking dudes? Not exactly. I've been lifting weights for quite some time now. I've added a significant amount of muscle to my small frame. I look a lot bigger than I actually am. Still, I have trouble with women. I was wondering why I was still a virgin at 24 after my massive transformation. Then it slowly started to dawn on me. I didn't believe in myself. I truly did not believe that I could achieve great things deep down. Even when people called me "the smartest person they've ever met" or "an encyclopedia" I didn't believe that I was capable of great things. In the gym however, I feel as if I have the ability to move massive amounts of weight because it was directly under my control. It was me against myself. When someone thinks of what a man is, what do they think? A few words are steady, reliable, trustworthy, solid. A true man does not shift blame to anyone else. He takes the burden. A true man does not buckle under the weight of life, he builds stronger shoulders. A true man knows that he is capable and he can expand his skills. Would you follow a CEO of a company that was unsure of himself? I know I wouldn't. I now know that I have to take the mentality I have in the gym and apply it to life. It's not about how big your ****ing bicep is. It's about undergoing the struggles that makes boys into men with steel spines. That's why those guys are so attractive to women, because of the mentality that they have. The ability not to buckle when everyone else is. Anyone else agree? 12
Critical Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I disagree. I think confidence is overrated. There's also a difference between confidence vs. not being realistic about my limitations. There's a difference between confidence vs. living in denial. If confidence is an attitude of "I can have any woman I want" that's denial and not confidence. That's not being realistic about my limitations. The truth is no I cannot have any woman I want. Not every woman is going to find me attractive. Some of them will and some of them won't.
darkmoon Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 it is true, all you said, women want the guy they can turn to, well, i do, a must, as I am scatty and worry over sht
preraph Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 That was really brilliant and insightful, Camaro Guy. I guess circumstances didn't allow you go grow up with too much natural self-esteem, even though you are so capable. If others don't believe in us, and if we don't rebel from those who don't believe in us when young, then this can happen. As you go out and create your own little successes in life, your self-esteem and confidence will grown. Doing things for ourselves is the best self-esteem builder, I believe. This is why i worry about those schools who give all the kids trophies no matter if they didn't accomplish anything. Because working hard and accomplishing things is what builds confidence and character. Kids aren't stupid. Once they're a certain age, they know full well they didn't do anything to deserve that trophy, so it doesn't help them at all. 4
Author Camaro Guy Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) I disagree. I think confidence is overrated. There's also a difference between confidence vs. not being realistic about my limitations. There's a difference between confidence vs. living in denial. If confidence is an attitude of "I can have any woman I want" that's denial and not confidence. That's not being realistic about my limitations. The truth is no I cannot have any woman I want. Not every woman is going to find me attractive. Some of them will and some of them won't. I feel that at the heart of getting women is confidence bordering on irrationality. It's almost as if it's saying "you have no choice but to believe in me". I do agree with knowing where you stand in life and in your limitations. But if the gym has taught me anything, it's that we truly don't know our true limits. I'm not putting 100% into everything I do and I know you aren't either. That was really brilliant and insightful, Camaro Guy. I guess circumstances didn't allow you go grow up with too much natural self-esteem, even though you are so capable. If others don't believe in us, and if we don't rebel from those who don't believe in us when young, then this can happen. As you go out and create your own little successes in life, your self-esteem and confidence will grown. Doing things for ourselves is the best self-esteem builder, I believe. This is why i worry about those schools who give all the kids trophies no matter if they didn't accomplish anything. Because working hard and accomplishing things is what builds confidence and character. Kids aren't stupid. Once they're a certain age, they know full well they didn't do anything to deserve that trophy, so it doesn't help them at all. I was given self esteem by my parents, but my peers always made me feel worthless. I was often made fun of. I was the scrawny kid, often the punchline of a joke or prank. I thought my parents were just giving me pep boosts because they loved me (which they do). However, I did make friends and I was smart. It took me to a nationally ranked top 25 university and where I am today. Now, I'm trying to blend my wit with the primal physicality that women find attractive to make a new, unrecognizable combination of myself. Edited April 24, 2015 by Camaro Guy 2
preraph Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 ^ You know, I had confidence and a lot of it when I was young, and then it got knocked out of me in middle school. But I eventually got it back when I began following my dream and found my niche. So I understand. Although my mother was hypercritical, so not much good for my self-esteem, but despite herself, she and dad allowed me to lead a very autonomous and adventurous lifestyle, and that gave me a lot of self-esteem. You'll come out on top. Keep following your dreams and just being the best you. That keeps you genuine and makes people attract you who really like you for you, not someone you're pretending to be. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Confidence is total BS. Really it's just having an I don't give a $#!? attitude. If someone has confidence, but lacks proficiency there is little value there. Many people can be conned initially, but will figure it out once the goods are not delivered. In a relationship it really depends on what values are important to her. Fake is good enough for many people. All that matters is how things look on the outside.
todreaminblue Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 confidence to me is standing up anyway..a guy who stands up anyway..so courageous more than confident....... people take me as confident......the navy took me as confident and self assured.....the fact was every part of my body was shaking but i stoo dup for what i believed in ...and i always stand up for who i believe in...and if i can do that as a woman including facing off with guys bigger and tougher than me scared crapless..........i expect nothing less from a guy i am with...because that guy is a guy i know woudl stand up for me...nto that i need him too...just to knwo he would....instils confidence in who he is.....maybe its courage actually more than confidence......courage is important in my opinion...havent met a woman yet who doesnt appreciate a courageous man...never have....courage to stand up and be noted in spite of fear.......deb 2
Gloria25 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) Confidence is total BS. Really it's just having an I don't give a $#!? attitude. If someone has confidence, but lacks proficiency there is little value there. Many people can be conned initially, but will figure it out once the goods are not delivered. In a relationship it really depends on what values are important to her. Fake is good enough for many people. All that matters is how things look on the outside. There's a line between being confident and delusional... I'm all for confidence...even if you have to fake it. But, not faking it to the extent that you are perpetrating a fraud. Simple example: Giving a brief...I hate when I have to present a brief, but I practice, etc...When I'm done, I get endless compliments on how I handled it but they are clueless that I was pooping in my pants the whole time. Makes me think of Don Draper. Ever watch the beginning of every Mad Men show? It's like he's just falling, falling, falling into booze, women, etc...But, at the end, he's sitting relaxed with a drink and a cigarette..."That's my man"!!! He may f-it up, but like a cat, he always lands on his feet... Now that the series is ending, Jon Hamm was talking about Don and how his whole life is a fraud, and it's starting to catch up with him. I don't see it like that, I think that while he began his early adulthood under his officer's identity, the success he's had with his career and ability to bed the ladies comes from somewhere - which is him...But, many of us are not comfortable with success...I am like that too. I know that I rock...People often consider me a type "A" personality, but I see myself as a "B-" personality. What is holding me back? I believe it is a lack of self-confidence I developed from childhood... So, I believe in "faking" it, cuz you can't sit there at the door of the airplane when the jump master tells you to "Go"...sit there and ponder about going and you miss out. We are all scared, scared is normal...what separates me, Don Draper and others from the rest is that we push past our fears and make it happen...even if after words we might vomit or poop our pants. Edited April 24, 2015 by Gloria25 3
Author Camaro Guy Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 courage to stand up and be noted in spite of fear.......deb That's what it is. Stand up and be counted, not just as another number but someone who can actually take charge of his life.
Imported Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 It's not so much that I have "confidence" with women, it's just I don't really worry about it. Most of the time. You ever follow someone because you trust them, believe in their abilities, thought they knew more than you, seems calm under stress, so that calms you as well? Wouldn't it be funny if that person was just guessing the whole time and didn't worry about ****, so he just completely looks confident in everything he does? I mean, it's gonna work or it's not gonna work. Whatever.
regine_phalange Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 It's not confidence exactly, confidence is something very deep, and I don't think anyone is 100% confident anyways. I think it's more how relaxed and nice other people feel around you.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I feel that at the heart of getting women is confidence bordering on irrationality. It's almost as if it's saying "you have no choice but to believe in me". I do agree with knowing where you stand in life and in your limitations. But if the gym has taught me anything, it's that we truly don't know our true limits. I'm not putting 100% into everything I do and I know you aren't either. I was given self esteem by my parents, but my peers always made me feel worthless. I was often made fun of. I was the scrawny kid, often the punchline of a joke or prank. I thought my parents were just giving me pep boosts because they loved me (which they do). However, I did make friends and I was smart. It took me to a nationally ranked top 25 university and where I am today. Now, I'm trying to blend my wit with the primal physicality that women find attractive to make a new, unrecognizable combination of myself. Don't get caught up in the bs of the gym culture, either...I'm a lifelong gym guy and am more genetically gifted than most guys and it shows... but none of it means shyt in terms of life success or success with the opposite sex...There are plenty of big, strong and well built guys that are at home living with their mother's and cant get off the ground with women.. Your original post is spot on... Its very hard to "become" an Alpha...I know women cringe at this term, but its valid...the Alpha's are the one's women want...All other guys get in line in back of those.. If you want to make the best here, then focus efforts on your career and status as a person...Everyone, esp women, love guys who are at the top of their game...The Masters, The Guru's .. The last thing you want to be is just a "face in the crowd"... TFY
elaine567 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 If you want to make the best here, then focus efforts on your career and status as a person...Everyone, esp women, love guys who are at the top of their game...The Masters, The Guru's .. The last thing you want to be is just a "face in the crowd"... TFY TFY I think it was you on another thread a while back mentioned the Jewish guys who are "pillar of the community" types, what were they called again?
Toodaloo Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Camero - You FINALLY GET IT! Go find yourself be comfortable with who you are and enjoy! If a girl doesn't want you more fool her! Your great and you know it! Now start to believe it! Stand up straight, shoulders back and be proud of who you are, lumps, bumps, scrawny bits, muscle bits and all! 1
thefooloftheyear Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 TFY I think it was you on another thread a while back mentioned the Jewish guys who are "pillar of the community" types, what were they called again? Mensch... TFY 1
GravityMan Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 You are definitely on the right track, OP. I think you're on point when it comes to self-respect, which is a major part of overall self-esteem. Confidence isn't the easiest thing to define in specific words, but it's obvious to just about anyone (even a 5-year old kid) when a person exudes self-confidence and effortlessly commands respect. I think there's more to confidence than just "believing in oneself", "stepping outside your comfort zone" and "getting @#$% done". Those things are signs of courage and assertiveness, which are part of overall self-confidence. But having a backbone and being mentally secure about yourself are also essential aspects of confidence. There are prideful folks out there who have accomplished a lot and regularly experience new things in the world...but when they are challenged, criticized, made fun of or attacked by another person, they don't handle it well externally or internally...especially if the other person knows precisely which buttons to push to make you tick. Those folks sometimes get defensive, or overly sensitive, or they lash out, or they quietly hang their heads. Such people still lack self-confidence and come across as fragile, despite all their numerous past successes in life. Confident people OTOH don't worry or care about those things and let them roll off their backs and then let it go and move on. Or they might use a humorous or witty comment to diffuse the situation and maybe even turn a negative into a positive. Or in the case of a discussion or debate, they just state their position without getting defensive nor falling into the trap of trying to "win" the argument. In addition, confident people know how to take a joke, don't make mountains out of molehills, don't get offended easily and ultimately don't take life too seriously all the time. They understand that they are just human and will inevitably screw up sometimes and when that happens they just handle it in some suitable way and then get over it and turn the page. They are just more fun to spend time with, more pleasant to work with, easier to trust and so on. Good self-esteem will help you in just about all aspects of life. Dating. Friendships. Education. Landing a job and getting promoted. Forming business partnerships. Interacting with strangers at parties and other social mixers. Connecting with kids and even pets. Not getting taken for a ride by the used car salesman. Your personal health. Stepping up when appropriate. Tons of other examples. Yes, everyone has limits...and things can happen outside of a person's control that may impact the trajectory of his or her life...but people are capable of a hell of a lot of things if they just believe in themselves and give it a shot. Another aspect of confidence is willingness to have faith in others and to show vulnerability around others (not just anyone, it has to be the right people). Let's face it, darn near everyone on this planet has at least a few things that privately bother them. Are you willing to openly share those things with a girlfriend, or a best friend, or a trustworthy sibling? This is why people who seem "hard" all the time and keep stuff bottled up are actually lacking in confidence. This is why folks who feel like they have to be "in control" of everything also lack self-confidence. When you are comfortable in your own skin, then others of both genders will feel more relaxed and safe around you. They are more willing to just be themselves around you. IMO, this is human nature. It's not a coincidence that many people naturally gravitate towards a confident person, even if he's introverted or a bit quiet (but not necessarily taciturn). Lastly, no-one is 100% confident all of the time. Confidence and self-esteem are not all-or-nothing things. Emotions are sometimes unpredictable. Everyone has lapses and episodes where they question their personal judgment/ability or doubt themselves or are apprehensive about making some choice...including the most powerful and successful men and women in the world. Events such as an unexpected firing despite good performance, or his house being broken into and robbed, may lead to a person playing the "what if" game in hindsight and beating himself up a bit. It happens. As long as those self-eval instances are very infrequent and brief, others will generally consider you to be a confident person overall.
Recommended Posts