Calidude6 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 When you blame yourself for a break up but everyone around you is telling you it's not all your fault. It's take 2 right? One gave up, one didn't. I tried, so I need to stop putting the blame on me for the end of it. We are both at fault correct? One of those situations you try not to beat yourself over it but replaying it in your head thinking it's all your fault. Gotta give her some blame too. If there was no cheating, no lying, no abusive, no bad relationship then just both to the blame? 1
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 When you blame yourself for a break up but everyone around you is telling you it's not all your fault. It's take 2 right? One gave up, one didn't. I tried, so I need to stop putting the blame on me for the end of it. We are both at fault correct? One of those situations you try not to beat yourself over it but replaying it in your head thinking it's all your fault. Gotta give her some blame too. If there was no cheating, no lying, no abusive, no bad relationship then just both to the blame? There may not be any fault to apply especially if things were basically good. Sometimes the two just aren't on the same page that's all. Why did you break up? 1
Gary S Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Even it looks like one is to blame, the other still choose him/her. Should have known better. Sometimes victims are volunteers. 1
Author Calidude6 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 There may not be any fault to apply especially if things were basically good. Sometimes the two just aren't on the same page that's all. Why did you break up? She broke up with me after 2 years because in her words, she felt unwanted which led to losing feelings and not happy. Myself, I was just very comfortable with the relationship and happy. She joined a sorority which I feel had some influence in her decision. Probably getting more attention that she liked or something. Not sure, never really asked about it
Gary S Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Young women under 28 often aren't ready for love yet. They call it puppy love.
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 She broke up with me after 2 years because in her words, she felt unwanted which led to losing feelings and not happy. Myself, I was just very comfortable with the relationship and happy. She joined a sorority which I feel had some influence in her decision. Probably getting more attention that she liked or something. Not sure, never really asked about it This sounds like a communication issue on her part. The reason I say that is that you say you were comfortable and happy. If she had told you earlier that something wasnt working for her, i.e. unwanted, you would have known and likely tried to address it with her. If you don't know something is wrong, you can help resolve it. If there is fault, I'd put it on her. She wasn't communicating. You didn't have a heads up. 2
Gary S Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 This sounds like a communication issue on her part. The reason I say that is that you say you were comfortable and happy. If she had told you earlier that something wasnt working for her, i.e. unwanted, you would have known and likely tried to address it with her. If you don't know something is wrong, you can help resolve it. If there is fault, I'd put it on her. She wasn't communicating. You didn't have a heads up. - Oh my gosh, if only women would do that and say, "My love level is dropping for you, here's why, let's fix this". It's a beautiful dream. Now, back to reality. 2
Author Calidude6 Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 This sounds like a communication issue on her part. The reason I say that is that you say you were comfortable and happy. If she had told you earlier that something wasnt working for her, i.e. unwanted, you would have known and likely tried to address it with her. If you don't know something is wrong, you can help resolve it. If there is fault, I'd put it on her. She wasn't communicating. You didn't have a heads up. That's where I put the blame on myself. We had discussions about some things she wanted me to change. Communication, I kept a lot in and didn't express it as good as I should of. Kind of stopped doing the little things. I guess I took her for granted cause I thought we weren't going to break up and have a future. Never been so comfortable like that before that I might of got dull and boring after awhile. We did a lot of the same stuff every week. Though my friends say shouldn't be a good reason to give up and she wasn't truly in love with me. I kind of put blame on both of us. I try not to put too much blame on myself cause that's only going to eat me. Wishing I did things differently you know
Bohonia Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Why is it a blame game? It didn't work out, not all relationships are meant to. 1
Satu Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Why blame anyone? If it didn't work its because it couldn't. 2
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 That's where I put the blame on myself. We had discussions about some things she wanted me to change. Communication, I kept a lot in and didn't express it as good as I should of. Kind of stopped doing the little things. I guess I took her for granted cause I thought we weren't going to break up and have a future. Never been so comfortable like that before that I might of got dull and boring after awhile. We did a lot of the same stuff every week. Though my friends say shouldn't be a good reason to give up and she wasn't truly in love with me. I kind of put blame on both of us. I try not to put too much blame on myself cause that's only going to eat me. Wishing I did things differently you know Most of the time when a relationship ends and there hasn't been any issues or seems to have ended without a real reason, it's about a lack of communication from one or both of them. The reason the relationship becomes boring or dull is for that simple reason -- they haven't been communicating and they were running on auto-pilot. Now that you've said "I kept a lot in and didn't express it", my response changes a little. In the original post you stated that you were happy and content. But the truth is apparently that you weren't about some things but as you said bottled them up. I'd say she started doing that too. So, yeah, the "fault" was shared. Either way, the relationship just ran it's course. You've learned somethings about yourself and what it takes to sustain a relationship in this process. Take those things and bring them to a new relationship with eyes opened wider. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 - Oh my gosh, if only women would do that and say, "My love level is dropping for you, here's why, let's fix this". It's a beautiful dream. Now, back to reality. Gary, that is actually the root of the problem usually. The woman will say that something is wrong and be critical, etc. She might not say it this way -- "My love level is dropping for you, here's why, let's fix this" exactly, but this is closer to what would work. She should make the statement that something is wrong for her but do it in a supportive way as in "this is what is troubling me and I'd like to work on this together or what things can I change for you in return". When a woman comes to a man and says what she said to him -- "we had discussions about some things she wanted me to change." It means there is some unhappiness for her and that is the man's cue that the process is beginning for her to become less invested in the relationship. It sounds like I want you to change thus and such for me. You're the problem. Instead of I'd like if you did X differently and offer a solution or suggestion. Is there anything you'd like me to change?" He did have a heads up. He said it himself. Women do let their men know when they are becoming or are unhappy. It's the way they do it that often curtails, complicates or just plain prevents her from achieving the desired results. Timing is important too. He comes in the door after a 12 hour day and she hits him with a barrage of stuff. That being said, I don't know how she presented her issues. If she came at him in an accusatory or critical way, he might not fully appreciate the importance of her concerns because he's feeling defensive or ridiculed, what ever. My point is that it's not what she has to say so much as the way she says it. Most women will come at a man and blindside him. "Hey, you never do little things for me anymore or you aren't keeping up with the yard." The man hears, blah, blah, blah. Not, "I always loved it when you brought me flowers, it made me feel special" (the message is I'm missing the things you used to do for me and I'm getting sad) or "I'd like it if we could get the yard cleaned up tomorrow. It would be nice to sit out there." (the message is it's making me unhappy to look at that mess). 1
katiegrl Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) That's where I put the blame on myself. We had discussions about some things she wanted me to change. Communication, I kept a lot in and didn't express it as good as I should of. Kind of stopped doing the little things. I guess I took her for granted cause I thought we weren't going to break up and have a future. Never been so comfortable like that before that I might of got dull and boring after awhile. We did a lot of the same stuff every week. Though my friends say shouldn't be a good reason to give up and she wasn't truly in love with me. I kind of put blame on both of us. I try not to put too much blame on myself cause that's only going to eat me. Wishing I did things differently you know ^^^^ So she previously told you she was unhappy (i.e. didn't feel loved), but since YOU were comfortable and happy and never thought she would break up with you, you essentially ignored her concerns and nothing changed...taking her and your relationship for granted. So as a result of *your* lack of caring and effort, her feelings for you diminished to the point where she didn't wish to be with you anymore and ended it. So how again is this "her" fault? Oh I forgot, she stopped loving you. Dude, OF COURSE she stopped loving you... what did you expect? When one person (in this case YOU) behaves like they essentially don't give a crap, ignoring their partner's needs, taking their partner for granted, dismissing their partner's requests that they start showing they care and make more of an effort to improve and grow the relationship, it is 100% understandable that the neglected and taken-for-granted-partner will fall out of love!! You say you don't want to accept blame because it will "eat" at you. Well I think it SHOULD "eat" at you, because that is how you LEARN where you went wrong so as to avoid making the *same* mistake in your next relationship! Not saying this to make you feel bad, but dude sorry you DID screw up and it is best you accept that fact so you can introspect, learn and grow. We all make mistakes, we all learn from those mistakes, and strive not to repeat. If you refuse to accept responsibility and continue to put most, if not all the blame on your partner, you will continue making the same mistakes in every relationship, which won't get you anywhere. Feelings ebb and flow, and relationships need to be nurtured, to be sustained and to grow. If you take you partner for granted and dismiss his/her needs and attempts for change, your partner WILL fall out of love eventually...unless he/she has such low self esteem, they don't believe they deserve better than an apathetic partner who takes them for granted, and essentially ACTS like they don't give a crap. Edited April 24, 2015 by katiegrl 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 She broke up with me after 2 years because in her words, she felt unwanted which led to losing feelings and not happy. Myself, I was just very comfortable with the relationship and happy. She joined a sorority which I feel had some influence in her decision. Probably getting more attention that she liked or something. Not sure, never really asked about it A lot of times in a long term relationship, comfortable really means complacent. In my experience, a woman's emotions are like a roller coaster and it's very much an in the moment sort of deal. One minute a woman may care deeply for you based on how you made her feel. But then if you get lazy, she feels unwanted and unappreciated. There's no guarantee that she will always love or care about you just because that's how she felt at some point. That's why "comfortable" can often be the death of relationships. On one hand, it's good when you feel safe with someone. There are no games, etc and both people just trust each other. However, both men and women have a tendency to go all out when they're "dating" and then in a relationship they get lazy. You should always try to put your best foot forward. Both people should stay in shape, care about their appearance, keep up with regular sex, and keep making an effort to care about each other's day to day lives and having actual dates out.
Author Calidude6 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Thank you all for the replies and I agree with you all, it definitely helps. I know i took it for granted especially since she talked about her feelings and I honestly don't have an answer to why I didn't do the things I should of done to change. I never been so comfortable with someone where waking up every day and feel like life great and safe with that someone. My last relationship, I felt like I did the chasing and had to try hard where this relationship felt neutral and loved. I told her I was comfortable and didn't realize until it finally hit me so I did take some of the blame or maybe most of it. I feel that the sorority life did influence it because she is most likely getting a lot more attention now than ever before which is probably making her feel wanted. I wish we could of worked it out because we dated for 2 years and only had one break up. I thought after a little time away, we could start fresh in a way and prove to her my change that I learned. I'm in the process of not contacting her at all and giving her the time and space while I reflect on myself and do things that make me happy. She told me she doesn't know the future but loves me as she's leaving the door open. I'm not trying to wait for her as if another opportunity unfolds itself but if I'm single, I would start new with her any day because she's a great girl and my best friend. I don't have a lot of hope for this but I do because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I messed up in some areas and didn't realize cause I'm still young myself and don't know everything but at least I'm learning so I can grow. 2
smackie9 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Her parting words were closure for the both of you, not to place blame. Relationships just run their course, or run out of steam. The majority of relationships are not forever.
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Thank you all for the replies and I agree with you all, it definitely helps. I know i took it for granted especially since she talked about her feelings and I honestly don't have an answer to why I didn't do the things I should of done to change. I never been so comfortable with someone where waking up every day and feel like life great and safe with that someone. My last relationship, I felt like I did the chasing and had to try hard where this relationship felt neutral and loved. I told her I was comfortable and didn't realize until it finally hit me so I did take some of the blame or maybe most of it. I feel that the sorority life did influence it because she is most likely getting a lot more attention now than ever before which is probably making her feel wanted. I wish we could of worked it out because we dated for 2 years and only had one break up. I thought after a little time away, we could start fresh in a way and prove to her my change that I learned. I'm in the process of not contacting her at all and giving her the time and space while I reflect on myself and do things that make me happy. She told me she doesn't know the future but loves me as she's leaving the door open. I'm not trying to wait for her as if another opportunity unfolds itself but if I'm single, I would start new with her any day because she's a great girl and my best friend. I don't have a lot of hope for this but I do because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I know I messed up in some areas and didn't realize cause I'm still young myself and don't know everything but at least I'm learning so I can grow. I'm still young myself and don't know everything but at least I'm learning so I can grow\ This /\ This is what you take out of each relationship you have even if it ends. This is no manual for relationships or raising kids. And, remember, there is not necessarily only one "the one". Take it from me. I was married to 'the one" for 30 years. We divorced and I found another "the one". We were engaged and he passed away 4 months before the wedding. And now, I have a 3rd "the one" Each of them was/is special in their own ways and I've learned so much from each of them. 1
smackie9 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 It's not always such a bad thing when they end, it just means it wasn't meant to be. 2
kendahke Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 That's where I put the blame on myself. We had discussions about some things she wanted me to change. Communication, I kept a lot in and didn't express it as good as I should of. Kind of stopped doing the little things. I guess I took her for granted cause I thought we weren't going to break up and have a future. Never been so comfortable like that before that I might of got dull and boring after awhile. We did a lot of the same stuff every week. Though my friends say shouldn't be a good reason to give up and she wasn't truly in love with me. I kind of put blame on both of us. I try not to put too much blame on myself cause that's only going to eat me. Wishing I did things differently you know No behavior happens in a vacuum. She didn't end things because she woke up and decided to make your life hell. She ended it because you were taking her for granted and not being present and involved in the relationship. Your needs were being met and hers were of no concern to you. Seems like they were a concern for her, hence her taking the steps she's taken. When you stop watering a plant, it dies. When you stop feeding you pet, it starves to death. When you stop maintaining your relationship, it breeds resentment, which leads to bitterness and then they leave. I mean, how long was she supposed to tolerate you holding things in and not expressing yourself as you should have? Years? Decades? Your friends weren't the ones who were on the receiving end of your emotional neglect, either, so it's easy for them to say none of this is on you. I'll bet were they in the same situation, they'd have made a move, too; not live a life of quiet desperation. Aside from her leaving the relationship, I've yet to read what she should have been blamed for.
kendahke Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I feel that the sorority life did influence it because she is most likely getting a lot more attention now than ever before which is probably making her feel wanted. You are telling yourself that because you want anything but you to shoulder the responsibility for your part in the demise in your relationship. No. It wasn't her sorority. It was neglect that put this ball in motion. She didn't need a sorority in order for her to figure out that you didn't really care for her needs--yours were being met and that's all that mattered to you. I wish we could of worked it out because we dated for 2 years and only had one break up. I thought after a little time away, we could start fresh in a way and prove to her my change that I learned. I'm in the process of not contacting her at all and giving her the time and space while I reflect on myself and do things that make me happy. But that's how you got to where you find yourself now: doing things that made you happy--at her expense. Selfishness has absolutely no place in a relationship with anyone other than yourself. If you want to be single, be as selfish as you list. But if you want someone in your life, you cannot be selfish and have an expectation of them being happy--they won't be and they will leave you.
Author Calidude6 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 I'm still young myself and don't know everything but at least I'm learning so I can grow\ This /\ This is what you take out of each relationship you have even if it ends. This is no manual for relationships or raising kids. And, remember, there is not necessarily only one "the one". Take it from me. I was married to 'the one" for 30 years. We divorced and I found another "the one". We were engaged and he passed away 4 months before the wedding. And now, I have a 3rd "the one" Each of them was/is special in their own ways and I've learned so much from each of them. I do believe there is always another "one" for anyone but in the stage of grief, we don't want to think that lol but I know as time goes by and feelings fade away, there will be another door to open that catches my heart. Of course as of now, I don't want another door to open. I just wanted to fix my current door but don't have much hope for her to come back. It's possible but I think I put too much damage on it. Young and not thinking right. I do believe my ex before her messed me up a little with so much pain but again, learned from that. Every new relationship is not the same as an old one so don't let the past dictate your present. Just like we all, I wish I could of done things differently or learn this experience with another girl to prevent it happening with my ex but things happen for a reason. Just the process of healing and missing her doesn't come easy with me. 1
Author Calidude6 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 No behavior happens in a vacuum. She didn't end things because she woke up and decided to make your life hell. She ended it because you were taking her for granted and not being present and involved in the relationship. Your needs were being met and hers were of no concern to you. Seems like they were a concern for her, hence her taking the steps she's taken. When you stop watering a plant, it dies. When you stop feeding you pet, it starves to death. When you stop maintaining your relationship, it breeds resentment, which leads to bitterness and then they leave. I mean, how long was she supposed to tolerate you holding things in and not expressing yourself as you should have? Years? Decades? Your friends weren't the ones who were on the receiving end of your emotional neglect, either, so it's easy for them to say none of this is on you. I'll bet were they in the same situation, they'd have made a move, too; not live a life of quiet desperation. Aside from her leaving the relationship, I've yet to read what she should have been blamed for. I know I take most of the blame and I even told her I take the blame and responsibility of the break up. Like I said, I'm still young myself and without experiencing this type of feeling or relationship before, I had to make the mistakes to learn from. I don't blame her for breaking up with me because I had all the chances to change but I can't figure out the reason why I didn't do the things I should of done. Don't know why I stopped doing the little things. I felt so good about our future as if I had no concerns. Every time we hanged out, it was great and the break up was out of the blue. The day before we broke up, I cried for the first time in front of her cause I felt something was wrong. Told her I'm failing and that's when she said she realized she no longer is in love with me. So yes, I did take her for granted and I take the blame. I did and still do care about her, I always did things for her and with her, it was the little things I let slip away. I'll never make this mistake twice. 1
Author Calidude6 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 You are telling yourself that because you want anything but you to shoulder the responsibility for your part in the demise in your relationship. No. It wasn't her sorority. It was neglect that put this ball in motion. She didn't need a sorority in order for her to figure out that you didn't really care for her needs--yours were being met and that's all that mattered to you. But that's how you got to where you find yourself now: doing things that made you happy--at her expense. Selfishness has absolutely no place in a relationship with anyone other than yourself. If you want to be single, be as selfish as you list. But if you want someone in your life, you cannot be selfish and have an expectation of them being happy--they won't be and they will leave you. I wouldn't say I was that selfish but I was in some areas no doubt. I did take her granted but the relationship was never bad. The chemistry was unreal but I just wasn't thinking right or being the best me where I take the blame. I only blame the soririty for not allowing her to cope with all this alone and to rationally think about it. Soririty is a life changing event that comes with a lot. It makes her time easier to forget or lose everything she had with me. She gets the attention from the frat boys, more partying and events to get her mind off the relationship. But again, she's young and maybe needs this time to get all that out her system because I'm older than her and already experienced all that and it's out my system. But again, I do take most of the blame but if it wasn't for the sorority, I truly believe we would be talking a little more now.
Satu Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 If I could only pass on one piece of advice about about relationships, it would be: Learn to listen. Most people don't know how to listen They think that they do, but they don't. They think about something else while the other person speaks, or are thinking ahead about a point they want to make. Real listening involves making the whole of yourself available to the other person, focusing on them and not yourself. Listening is the first duty of love. 2
Author Calidude6 Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 If I could only pass on one piece of advice about about relationships, it would be: Learn to listen. Most people don't know how to listen They think that they do, but they don't. They think about something else while the other person speaks, or are thinking ahead about a point they want to make. Real listening involves making the whole of yourself available to the other person, focusing on them and not yourself. Listening is the first duty of love. I do take fault in that and I sure do regret it because I can listen sincerely but for some odd reason, I just didnt want to I guess and it cost me.
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