I want the ring, marriage and a family together!

[Love and Marriage]

Hi.

I've been in a committed relationship for 3 1/2 years. My boyfriend and I met shortly ofter we each divorsed (both of our spouses were unfaithful). He has two teenage children and has jount custody. I have one grown son. I love his children and know they care for me.

We spend the majority of our free time together and as a family. I stay at his house on the nights he doesn't have his children and on a few occasions when he has had them (more recently).

We are very close and have a wonderfully loving and supportave relationship. I recently asked him where he see our relationship heading in the next year. He didn't respond with anything other than he not sure about anything happening in the next year, but sees me in his future. I however want more....a ring, marriage and to spend the rest of my life with this man and to become a family with our kids.

I'm paying a good deal of money to rent a place, but am only there 3-4 nights a week just to sleep. Basically, I feel I'm paying for storage.

Recently, he's decided to downsize his home to free up money for college & retirement. I always thought when he sold his home we would be buying something together. This with his above mentioned response has left me with an upset, lump in my throat feeling and I'm not sure how to proceed, as I don't want to push him away. Help please?

[clia]

Well, I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. His words and actions don't exactly inspire confidence in the future of your relationship.

 

The two of you may simply want different things. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to get married, but he may not want that. (In fact, it sounds like he doesn't. After 3 1/2 years together, he should know whether or not he wants to marry you.) From his perspective, why get married? He's already got you running over to his place 3-4 days a week and playing the part of the wife. And now he's told you point blank that it isn't going to happen in the next year, so a year from now you will be sitting there having invested 4 1/2 years in, and he may feel the exact same way.

 

I think you need to have a heart to heart discussion with him going beyond the one you already had. While you don't want to give him an ultimatum, you should stress that marriage is important to you and that you see getting married as part of your future. If he does not feel that way, then it is best for the two of you to go your separate ways so you can find someone else who is more compatible in that sense. It may be painful, but you might have to walk away from the relationship to find what you want. I would definitely set a timeline in your mind for a proposal. Don't tell him, but if there is no proposal by that date, be ready to walk away.

[PegNosePete]

His lack of response and indecision about your future, after 3.5 years together, is very worrying! By this time he should know if he feels the same as you or not. I think it's time for a "sh#t or get off the pot" discussion about where your relationship's going.

[casey.lives]

Nietzsche is not an authority on my feelings!!

[devilish innocent]

Three and a half years is usually long enough to advance things. He might be scared, though, since he's been hurt in marriage once before.

 

I would talk to him further. Let him know what you want, but try not to be accusatory or place demands. Just see if you can get him to tell you why he doesn't feel ready to advance things. He might not know, but then he should be able to tell that he doesn't know. Based on his response, you can determine whether this is an issue that either or both of you can fix. Depending on what happens after that, you can decide if it is worth waiting for him or not.

[d0nnivain]

At the 3.5 year mark if he is making decisions that have some impact on you, I think you can & should be more direct then "where do you see our future?" Have you told him what you told us? If not, you need to.

[preraph]

It sure doesn't sound like he's planning on you moving in at all. I think the best thing you could do for yourself is stop seeing him for awhile and let him get some perspective. Some men never want to marry again after a bad divorce (and what divorce is every really good?) But you have a right to alter your plans accordingly, stop seeing him and start seeing someone who you have a future with. But talk to him first and ask him why you're not part of his planning.

[No Limit]

No offense but you shouldn't demand a marriage ring from a guy who spent his life building up exactly that only to have it thrown away by the wrong woman before you. Of course he won't be eager to go through all that ever again, and frankly, you don't need a ring to be together forever. At the same time, it's normal for you to want some security... well, you can either ponder or talk to him about it. What does he want exactly?

[stillafool]

I however want more....a ring, marriage and to spend the rest of my life with

this man and to become a family with our kids.

 

What was his response when you told him the above?

[Lokin4AReason]

want ... that is a word, I have a trouble w/. but compromise, is a word that I can work w/ much better ( IMO ) ( but 3.5 years ... ??? )

 

seems like that you two really need to sit down and get the details ironed out. it just seems that he is too comfortable w/ the current situation and hasn't though about the long haul ( and you have ). its just time, in seeing both perspective at where this relationship is/will be going ( somewhere or no where ).

 

just be prepared for the good and the bad new(s). I just don't want to see your hope(s) in being shattered at when its not the same thing that you want from the relationship ..