What are we?

[pixiegirl82]

Hi folks I'm new here so hello! Anyhow I'm sorry this will be lengthy but any feedback would be amazing.

 

So I've been friends with a guy basically all my life. We both have alot of similar interests and have confided in each other over the years, he's always been around and people have always said there's 'something' there.

 

Anyhow fast forward to 2013 and I've been with my bf at the time for a few years. My friend is at our local bar and we're talking and having a laugh nothing out of the ordinary until he goes to leave and he kisses me on the lips and I was like OKAY! That's never happened before.

 

So since that night my feelings kinda changed I dunno what happened but I started falling for him. Something I never thought would happen. I seriously got it bad and friends were telling me they always thought he had something for me like real feelings. I broke it off with my bf and myself and my friend were in touch constantly and I was getting a good vibe.

 

I eventually plucked up the courage to tell him my feelings and he totally kicked me in the gut by saying although he thought I was amazing we were probably better as friends. My pride was indeed bruised and I cried but I got over it.

 

I asked him not to let it be weird between us. Of course it was initially but he was man enough to come to me and speak to me and it reassured me. We got back on track eventually. I got back with my ex and the feelings seemed to subside.

 

Fast forward to September 2014 myself and my current bf decided to move in together. I hadn't heard from my friend in a while I lost his number due to getting a new mobile and he'd left Facebook so I didn't hear from him or see him that often. Anyhow I was due to move from my hometown at the end of September and I randomly get a text from the friend like "please don't lose touch and I'd like to come and see your place" Um, okay random but fine.

 

On Christmas day I was with my family in my hometown and that night my friend messaged me and told me to come see him but obviously I couldn't because I was with my relatives. I couldn't help but wonder why he'd want to see me of all people at Christmas? My friends are of the view that I must be really important to him.

 

We'd meet each other on odd occasions because our morning commuting paths cross and it was nice. Some of the pangs were still there but I tried to keep them at bay. I'd distance myself but he would always make an effort mainly texting or messaging me.

 

Anyhow over the last few weeks I'm loathed to say but I'm crushing on him again. I dunno why but things feel different. He messaged me out of the blue to meet for a coffee a few weeks ago and he's been confiding in me about alot of things. I'm not sure what is going on if it's just friendliness or if I'm looking too far into things but it's driving me insane tbh.

 

I've asked friends and their like just ask "what even are we?" but I'm scared because I don't want to alienate him and lose him all together. I personally feel he's maybe started to have feelings for me but obviously I'm with someone and he's not even going to go there because he's a nice guy.

 

I feel bad because my bf isn't a bad person it's just sometimes he isn't there for me like I need. He's very emotionally detached and quite selfish. Although on the flipside he's helped me through alot of turmoil in my life.

 

What would you guys take from the situation? I've tried to be thorough but tbh I could write a book. If there's anything you want to know just ask.

 

Oh and thank you

Edited April 23, 2015 by pixiegirl82

[PegNosePete]

What does your boyfriend think about this situation?

[pixiegirl82]

What does your boyfriend think about this situation?

 

He sees we are close and kinda jokes and says things like "that boys in love with you".

[PegNosePete]

No, I mean, what does your boyfriend think about you crushing on him for real?

[pixiegirl82]

No, I mean, what does your boyfriend think about you crushing on him for real?

 

I haven't told him. I haven't really told anyone to be honest because I hope it passes.

[Diezel]

I'm not sure what is going on if it's just friendliness or if I'm looking too far into things but it's driving me insane tbh.

 

An emotional affair is what is already going on, while you are in a relationship with a man you already dumped... over this same guy.

 

I feel bad because my bf isn't a bad person it's just sometimes he isn't there for me like I need. He's very emotionally detached and quite selfish.

 

Rationalizing.

You're going to break up with him, if your "friend" suddenly decides he wants a relationship with you.

 

And you say your "bf" is "quite selfish"? Really?

You broke up with him once. Once things with your friend didn't pan out, you went back to him, even moved in with him, and now that this guy has come around, your asking "what are we?".

[pixiegirl82]

An emotional affair is what is already going on, while you are in a relationship with a man you already dumped... over this same guy.

 

 

 

Rationalizing.

You're going to break up with him, if your "friend" suddenly decides he wants a relationship with you.

 

And you say your "bf" is "quite selfish"? Really?

You broke up with him once. Once things with your friend didn't pan out, you went back to him, even moved in with him, and now that this guy has come around, your asking "what are we?".

 

 

Oh you don't know my bf trust me he's selfish. He's slept with someone else I haven't and I forgave him. I wouldn't say it's an emotional affair tbh we've always talked it's how we've always been.

[Diezel]

Of course I don't know your boyfriend. I only know what YOU post.

 

Definitely seems like you two belong together then.

[pixiegirl82]

Of course I don't know your boyfriend. I only know what YOU post.

 

Definitely seems like you two belong together then.

 

Which two? I'm sorry if that came across rude I'm just abit stressed with all this, I'm not enjoying all this drama at all.

[PegNosePete]

It sounds to me as though you need to split up with your boyfriend. You don't trust him and don't even like him from what you've posted. Why are you even with him if he's selfish and cheats on you? What kind of crappy relationship is that?

 

Then once you're single, if you want to pursue a relationship with your friend, you will be free to do so with a clear conscience.

 

The "drama" is being created by you. You're the instigator here, not the victim.

[pixiegirl82]

It sounds to me as though you need to split up with your boyfriend. You don't trust him and don't even like him from what you've posted. Why are you even with him if he's selfish and cheats on you? What kind of crappy relationship is that?

 

Then once you're single, if you want to pursue a relationship with your friend, you will be free to do so with a clear conscience.

 

I'm not even sure. It's a case of when it's good it makes it worthwhile but when it sucks it really sucks. I think it would probably be best to have some time to myself though just to re-evaluate things your totally right. I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim either tbf.

[kendahke]

 

I feel bad because my bf isn't a bad person it's just sometimes he isn't there for me like I need. He's very emotionally detached and quite selfish. Although on the flipside he's helped me through alot of turmoil in my life.

 

 

Stop conflating issues here. Your relationship with your boyfriend has nothing to do with you wanting to pursue your friend and allowing him the latitude to keep pursuing you. Nowhere have I read that you've said to your friend "hey, look, I'm in a relationship and while it's not in the best shape right now, you texting me, wanting to meet up with me, randomly kissing me, etc., but not wanting a relationship with me is you sending me mixed signals and I don't appreciate that. What is your intention here as far as I am concerned?"

 

If your relationship with your current boyfriend is that bad, then you need to break up with him on the fact that he's not there for you like you need and he's emotionally detached and selfish. Those are legitimate issues for not being with someone, so why are you with him if he's like this? Is his helping you through the turmoil enough of a trade off for when his detachment and selfishness kick in and you begin giving this friend of yours entrée into your emotional intimacy?

 

What would you guys take from the situation?

 

 

I think that you are giving this more importance than what it is. He's already told you he doesn't like you in that way. You're using your unhappiness with your boyfriend as your excuse to emotionally cheat on him, and that's not right. Your friend doesn't belong in your intimacy until your boyfriend is well and out of your life. It doesn't take a book to figure out that if the tables were turned, you'd be apoplectic at the insult.

[pixiegirl82]

No conflation here. My friend knows the score, I'm answering him and speaking to him because he's a friend and he has been for a long time. It'd be worse if I just blew him off all together tbf that'd look worse.

 

It's hardly emotional intimacy we talk about the most random and geeky crap you could name. We are hardly talking about being together in any way. Trust me.

 

Thanks for your input though. It is much appreciated seeing what the situation looks like through the eyes of others.

Edited April 23, 2015 by pixiegirl82

[SmartDude]

So tell me OP. What is the longest amount of time you have NOT been in a relationship or seeing anyone at all? This is very important.

 

If your friend never has a window of opportunity, He might not act on HIS feelings because he also does not want to loose the friendship. Perhpas he wants to be more than friends. He might need some encouragment from you that its ok, and that this is what you really want. Yes, guys are suposed to make the move, if we are to go by the rules. But sometimes the rules need to be broken so that things can actually get done. Rules can get in the way. Take the lead if you must, or sit there wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.

 

2 people not confessing their real feelings will lead nowere.

It sounds like he kissed you but then became overwhelmed and repressed his feelings so that things could "go back to normal". Probabbly afraid of loosing you if the romance didn't work out. No risk=No reward, that is just how it works, sorry.

 

You might be choosing boyfriends that you don't even feel intamacy with, as a way of protecting yourself, and to keep your options open. Women who engage in this kind of behavior can leave a trail of tears behind them. You need to have empathy for the person you are with and actually love them or break it off after 1 year max.

[pixiegirl82]

So tell me OP. What is the longest amount of time you have NOT been in a relationship or seeing anyone at all? This is very important.

 

If your friend never has a window of opportunity, He might not act on HIS feelings because he also does not want to loose the friendship. Perhpas he wants to be more than friends. He might need some encouragment from you that its ok, and that this is what you really want. Yes, guys are suposed to make the move, if we are to go by the rules. But sometimes the rules need to be broken so that things can actually get done. Rules can get in the way. Take the lead if you must, or sit there wondering "what if" for the rest of your life.

 

2 people not confessing their real feelings will lead nowere.

It sounds like he kissed you but then became overwhelmed and repressed his feelings so that things could "go back to normal". Probabbly afraid of loosing you if the romance didn't work out. No risk=No reward, that is just how it works, sorry.

 

You might be choosing boyfriends that you don't even feel intamacy with, as a way of protecting yourself, and to keep your options open. Women who engage in this kind of behavior can leave a trail of tears behind them. You need to have empathy for the person you are with and actually love them or break it off after 1 year max.

 

I met my current bf about a month after leaving my ex. All in all I haven't been single for more than 12 years if I'm being honest. It could be a number of things as you say above you hit the nail on the head. I really don't want to hurt anyone but I'm very conflicted.

 

Thank you so much for your input. I appreciate you having took the time to write this.

[Methodical]

You and your friend were at a bar, having drinks, laughs, etc. He gives you a peck on the lips before leaving and that changes how you feel about him. Then, you tell him and he puts on the brakes and says that's not a good idea.

 

At the time, you had a bf and broke up with him to pursue your friend. When he declined you went back to bf. BF was second choice when your friend didn't reciprocate your feelings. You were willing to settle.

 

Now, after time has past, you're acknowledging you still have feelings for your friend. You never stopped having feelings for him, you pushed them aside and tried to pretend they didn't exist.

 

I think you are setting up yourself to follow the same path you've already traveled. Because you and your friend have reconnected, you're stoking a fire that may not exist, and you are justifying doing so by finding fault with your current bf. Bottom line, your current bf is not the guy for you if after a cup of coffee with your friend you are digging up all negatives and overlooking the positives. NO relationship is without its problems. When you love someone you don't jump ship because a blast from the past (in this case your friend who wasn't even that) re-enters your life.

 

You want a relationship with your friend and you're hoping he feels the same. I think you might be projecting interest on his part bc that's what you want. A mature conversation needs to be had.

[pixiegirl82]

You and your friend were at a bar, having drinks, laughs, etc. He gives you a peck on the lips before leaving and that changes how you feel about him. Then, you tell him and he puts on the brakes and says that's not a good idea.

 

At the time, you had a bf and broke up with him to pursue your friend. When he declined you went back to bf. BF was second choice when your friend didn't reciprocate your feelings. You were willing to settle.

 

Now, after time has past, you're acknowledging you still have feelings for your friend. You never stopped having feelings for him, you pushed them aside and tried to pretend they didn't exist.

 

I think you are setting up yourself to follow the same path you've already traveled. Because you and your friend have reconnected, you're stoking a fire that may not exist, and you are justifying doing so by finding fault with your current bf. Bottom line, your current bf is not the guy for you if after a cup of coffee with your friend you are digging up all negatives and overlooking the positives. NO relationship is without its problems. When you love someone you don't jump ship because a blast from the past (in this case your friend who wasn't even that) re-enters your life.

 

You want a relationship with your friend and you're hoping he feels the same. I think you might be projecting interest on his part bc that's what you want. A mature conversation needs to be had.

 

Yeah your so right. Everything you've said rings true. I'm probably coming across as a really horrible person and that's not me.

 

I need to sort this crap out once and for all. Thank you so much for your reply.

[Methodical]

You're coming across as a confused person who has affectionate feelings for her best friend. You've allowed your emotions to interfere with your judgment. That doesn't make you a bad person but before you jump from the skillet into the frying pan you need to seriously evaluate the situation for what it is, not what you hope it will become.

[kendahke]

No conflation here. My friend knows the score, I'm answering him and speaking to him because he's a friend and he has been for a long time. It'd be worse if I just blew him off all together tbf that'd look worse.

 

Worse for whom? Dude hasn't been in your life for some time and then pops back up out of nowhere.

 

It's hardly emotional intimacy we talk about the most random and geeky crap you could name. We are hardly talking about being together in any way. Trust me.

 

You wrote:

So I've been friends with a guy basically all my life. We both have alot of similar interests and have confided in each other over the years, he's always been around and people have always said there's 'something' there.

 

he kisses me on the lips and I was like OKAY! That's never happened before.

 

So since that night my feelings kinda changed I dunno what happened but I started falling for him. Something I never thought would happen. I seriously got it bad and friends were telling me they always thought he had something for me like real feelings.

 

Some of the pangs were still there but I tried to keep them at bay. I'd distance myself but he would always make an effort mainly texting or messaging me.

 

Anyhow over the last few weeks I'm loathed to say but I'm crushing on him again. I dunno why but things feel different. He messaged me out of the blue to meet for a coffee a few weeks ago and he's been confiding in me about alot of things.

 

If none of this is emotional intimacy, then what is all of this? PMS?

Edited April 24, 2015 by kendahke

[stillafool]

I feel bad because my bf isn't a bad person it's just sometimes he isn't there

for me like I need. He's very emotionally detached and quite selfish.

 

You say that sometimes your bf isn't there for you but what about your friend, he isn't there for you at all and still you want him.

[ExpatInItaly]

So much unnecessary drama.

 

Break up with your boyfriend. It's clear you're just not that into him anymore. Regardless of the situation with your friend, your relationship sounds unsatisfying. No point dragging that out.

 

Unless and until you do that, you need to stop engaging with this friend so much. Feelings have become involved and it's not just an innocent friendship anymore.

 

This isn't as complicated as you make it appear.

[pixiegirl82]

Worse for whom? Dude hasn't been in your life for some time and then pops back up out of nowhere.

 

 

 

You wrote:

 

 

If none of this is emotional intimacy, then what is all of this? PMS?

 

No need to be condescending. It's not big or clever!

[pixiegirl82]

You say that sometimes your bf isn't there for you but what about your friend, he isn't there for you at all and still you want him.

 

Thanks for your point.

[kendahke]

No need to be condescending. It's not big or clever!

 

No need to pull the wool over our eyes, either.

 

No one is being condescending. You're insisting that there was no emotional intimacy, but your first post is full of examples of it.

[pixiegirl82]

No need to pull the wool over our eyes, either.

 

No one is being condescending. You're insisting that there was no emotional intimacy, but your first post is full of examples of it.

 

Our views on that are somewhat different then.