jalapeno86 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I'm posting this because, I've had a lot of success here, being part of this site. Not so much success, I'm sorry, more like, if it wasn't for this site, I wouldn't be dealing with the coping of my recent break-up as well. Anyways. I thought, hey, has anyone else experienced this? Because it seems to be a pattern in my relationships. Does anyone else feel like their defensiveness is a hindrance? And, if so, what have they done to help get over a bad habit of being defensive? Thanks guys, hope I make sense.
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) I'm posting this because, I've had a lot of success here, being part of this site. Not so much success, I'm sorry, more like, if it wasn't for this site, I wouldn't be dealing with the coping of my recent break-up as well. Anyways. I thought, hey, has anyone else experienced this? Because it seems to be a pattern in my relationships. Does anyone else feel like their defensiveness is a hindrance? And, if so, what have they done to help get over a bad habit of being defensive? Thanks guys, hope I make sense. You'll have to give an example at least. There are times when you should be defensive and other times defensiveness is a tool of deflection against guilt or shame . . . Defensiveness is often part of the fight or flight mode. It's a survival mechanism. It's psychologically hard-wired and usually not a learned behavior. It is akin to passive-aggressiveness as well. Defensiveness prevents us from fully comprehending and accepting an issue and being able to see things from other points of view and doesn't allow for constructive conflict resolution. It will undermine relationship if not addressed properly. There are cognitive behaviorial techniques (CBT training) that can be employed to learn how to reduce or stop being defensive. It takes time,patience and determination. I can give you some phrases and exercises if you'd like to PM me. One of the first easy things to do is that when an issue or confrontation starts, you take one minute to simply reflect on the issue at hand before saying or doing anything. When that minute has passed, you review and restate what the issue is calmly. Then you make one simple statement to address it. Give what your opinion is on the matter or state whatever feeling you are having about it. Take the issue apart in bits and address each bit one at a time. Edited April 23, 2015 by Redhead14
Dork Vader Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 It really depends in what ways you are being defensive and how extreme the problem is. Could you please elaborate on what you are defining as defensive? There is a clear difference between being defensive and putting up clear cut boundaries. Reasonable Boundaries are healthy and are normal for dating and healthy relationships. Being defensive can also be a normal reaction too other peoples actions. If a person is accusing you something you're not doing it's fairly normal to become some what defensive. You might also just be going through the normal grieving process from a failed relationship. If you were recently hurt badly it's going to be fairly normal to be some what guarded and defensive. The question more so comes into play when the defensive is a long term issue. If it is a pattern I suggest you look into therapy with a licensed therapist to help you sort things out. There could be other emotional problems that stem from mental illness, past abuse and so on. A good therapist can help you access these things and if there is an issue help you formulate a treatment plan. If you are not sure about whether or not you have a mental illness, past abuse or if defensiveness is a trend then go too a therapist. Start by calling your health insurance provider and asking them for a list of in network therapist. From do some research on them until you find a therapist you think you will like. Make an appointment and discuss what is going on.
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