katiegrl Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I understand, Katie. You and I are usually on the same page I also posted I don't advocate withholding sex also but not after only a first date. She isn't doing it to gain or hold on to a "relationship", she doesn't even know if he wants one. By the same token, if she continues to have sex with him, it's because she's trying to get him to have a relationship with her and win him over with sex. "I am looking for ways to back pedal here..." -- she wants to start over, the right way for an opportunity to have a relationship. She doesn't even know if he wants one yet. "This may be true and I might not have messed up my chances" -- If he doesn't call her again, she'll know she messed up her chance anyway. It would not be perceived as manipulation or rejection to him if she says she wants to continue dating him and she tells him she enjoyed it. And, she can opt to do it again if she wants, but when she starts posting later that she can't figure out if he's just using her for sex, we will tell her that she shouldn't have had sex on the first date. So all I'm saying is that she should go back to the first date and do it right. Explain it to him and if he likes her enough, he'll understand that. If he pushes her for it and dumps her because of that, what will we tell her then? "Well, you shoulda just kept having sex with him so he'd keep seeing you until you knew you had him hooked and used sex to get him?" Thanks for clarifying! I understand your point, and if what you suggest is something the OP wants to do, and is comfortable doing, then by all means she should!
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Thanks for clarifying! I understand your point, and if what you suggest is something the OP wants to do, and is comfortable doing, then by all means she should! Yep, IF she's comfortable. She doesn't sound like she is though. If she wants to have sex with him, it's ok, but she should be upfront with him about what she wants for herself and be able to accept that if he doesn't want the same thing for himself, that it's just going to be F buddy and enjoy it for the time being. But, if she does continue that way, she needs to manage her emotions and expectations while she does that so as not to try to get emotionally invested and then expect to be able to turn into a relationship later. We all know that doesn't happen or at least not very often.
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 By the same token, if she continues to have sex with him, it's because she's trying to get him to have a relationship with her and win him over with sex. Where did you get that? Can't she continue having sex with him because she enjoys it? 2
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Where did you get that? Can't she continue having sex with him because she enjoys it? Gaeta, we already went there. She can do that. The problem is that she's concerned that she had sex with him too soon and ruined her chances at having a relationship with him. And, that's what she's looking for. And, the reason she's worried about that is because she doesn't know what he is looking for for himself out of his dating experiences. There was a little misunderstanding between a couple of us hens here in the hen house, also, about her taking sex off the table and that being viewed as manipulation for making it into a relationship. After first date sex, taking it off the table moving forward isn't manipulation, it's just resetting the scene. The question was raised that it would be about holding back to manipulate him into a relationship. If she keeps having sex with him without clarifying things, she gets accused of using giving him sex to get what she wants. We all agreed that she can do that if she wants, but she needs to get clarification about what he is looking for. If he says he doesn't want a relationship and she does but still wants to have sex with him. that's cool. She just shouldn't expect a relationship to develop either.
Sunfire73 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Just talk to him and let him know that you had fun having sex with him, but you are actually looking for a relationship. So suggest that you get to know each other more, slow down on the sex part until you are more comfortable to be intimate again. 1
Photofinish Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 This is no where near even becoming a relationship yet. They don't even know what they each want out of dating either. They are two individuals who just met. With holding sex at this point is her right and prerogative. She is not doing it to gain a relationship, she is doing it in order to allow herself and himself to have the opportunity to make it a relationship not based on sex and until she knows if they want the same things for themselves in the long run. This is the exact scenario that happens and a woman comes back on here and says, "hey this guy is usuing me for sex". She gave it to him, he continues to take it and doesn't have to do anything to demonstrate his sincerity or true interest in her. From what you are saying above, you're saying she's obligated to have sex with him again just because she did it once and on a first date. A woman is never obligated. I do not advocate using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation in an established relationship or a relationship that has gone on for sometime and/or exclusive. That's wrong. But this is not an established relationship or even close to it and they owe each other nothing. Sex is not a binding contract. The just met, they did it, it is her right to remove it from the table. If she explains her position, tells him she enjoyed it at least, he will understand that she isn't doing it to corner him. See feels she made a mistake. The only way to recover from a mistake is not to do it again. This basically. By saying that withholding sex is a way of manipulation, you are making it seem wrong to not want to have sex until the time is right.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Why get nervous and develop an insecurity about it OP? You met a guy that you hit it off with, and had sex with him because it felt like the right thing to do. But instead of continuing to go out, have fun, and hook up, you're getting paranoid. Then the next thing you know, you'll be saying that all he wants is sex and pushing him away. This is how women wreck potentially good relationships. It's natural for men and women to have sex when there's chemistry. Just because it happens sooner rather than later, doesn't mean that you can't end up being happy. But all the paranoia and keeping your guard up assuming he wants a "f**k buddy" will turn him off if his intentions are good. 2
guest569 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 OP, i think you are overthinking and stressing far too much! You didnt "give up" anything, you're two grown ups who decided to have sex, it's not big deal and i dont think it has "ruined" any chances. Just carry on as normal, a relationship either forms or it doesn't, and it sounds like you both hit it off. stop overthinking and just relax! 1
Maleficent Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I am shocked at the amount of people on here who seem to believe that once someone accepted to have sex,that person can no longer decide to not have sex with the same guy...and go as far to see this as manipulation. OP, I would suggest you talk to the guy about this. If you both agree holding back on sex for a while to see if a relationship can develop, then go for it. Also, getting to know each other to see if a relationship can develop and still have sex cause you both enjoy it and want to is perfectly ok too... Your best option is to see where he stands as far as 'sex on the first date' goes and what his intentions are. If he has romantic interest in you, the fact you had sex(or not) the first night won't be a factor im shutting this interest down imo.
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