cluelesslovergirl Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) So I met a guy on okcupid. We had been texting for weeks. Finally set up a date and hit it off better then ever could have expected. I told myself not to but unfortunately I gave it up. We did everything. He still has been texting me and even invited me over tomorrow which would be a week later. My thing is....I'm not looking for a **** buddy! I knowwww there should have been no sex before monogamy if that's what I wanted! But what's done is done. He seems more relationship oriented then most guys...but idk if I messed it up by putting out! Is our chances of a relationship ruined? He said he isn't hanging with anyone but me! This may be true and I might not have messed up my chances...should we continue to sleep together since we have already done it? Wouldn't that seem strange if I tell him we aren't ready when we've already done it! ? Any suggestions on how I can still seal the deal with this guy even after putting out? Assuming I still want to seal the deal after getting to know him better. So far he is great! Perhaps I am looking for ways to back pedal here... Edited April 23, 2015 by cluelesslovergirl typo
Photofinish Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 So I met a guy on okcupid. We had been texting for weeks. Finally set up a date and hit it off better then ever could have expected. I told myself not to but unfortunately I gave it up. We did everything. He still has been texting me and even invited me over tomorrow which would be a week later. My thing is....I'm not looking for a **** buddy! I knowwww there should have been no sex before monogamy if that's what I wanted! But what's done is done. He seems more relationship oriented then most guys...but idk if I messed it up by putting out! Is our chances of a relationship ruined? He said he isn't hanging with anyone but me! This may be true and I might not have messed up my chances...should we continue to sleep together since we have already done it? Wouldn't that seem strange if I tell him we aren't ready when we've already done it! ? Any suggestions on how I can still seal the deal with this guy even after putting out? Assuming I still want to seal the deal a free getting to know him better. Perhaps I am looking for ways to back pedal here... If he banged you then he is probably banging anyone else that lets him. I would go get checked at least. You dont know what that guy has. Second, you can always stop having sex with him or not do it again. Yeah you had sex with him and it may send off the wrong message but talk to him. Let him know you want to get to know each other more before you get more imitate . That's all you can do really. Damage is done, just move forward. There is no "turning back" . Goodluck
Author cluelesslovergirl Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 You're right.*sigh* I think that's really the only thing I can do! thank you 1
Krieger Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 When a girl gives it up too fast most guys do not know what to think. If it was me I would be like ok does this woman like me or does she use sex to make people like her? Does she use sex as a weapon to get what she wants? 2
joseb Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 If he banged you then he is probably banging anyone else that lets him. I would go get checked at least. You dont know what that guy has. I don't follow this logic. Two people had sex on a first date. But for some reason that means the guy is promiscuous and the girl needs to get checked out? 6
gaius Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Since you were texting for weeks it might not be as bad as you think. Just tell him that's something you don't normally do with guys and you're looking for a relationship. 1
Photofinish Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) I don't follow this logic. Two people had sex on a first date. But for some reason that means the guy is promiscuous and the girl needs to get checked out? If he had sex on the first date then it is with a stranger. If he has sex with a stranger then what makes you think it's not the norm for him? Also I would be suspicious of a guy who WOULD have sex on the first date. Just sayin. I'm not about double standards Edited April 23, 2015 by Photofinish 1
joseb Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 If they had just met in a bar, then maybe you might assume that's the norm for him. But it sounds like they had been texting for a while, so maybe it's not such a big deal. 1
Buddhist Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) Stop stressing, just keep seeing him until it becomes apparent that he either wants just sex or a relationship, then make your choice. He could just be a genuine guy who enjoyed the date as much as you did. I know heaps of women who slept with their future husbands on the first date. There are no mistakes, only experiences. So relax and see where this goes. If he's inviting you over for dinner a week in advance I think he might actually want a relationship or at least be thinking about it. If he only wanted sex you'd be getting last minute text messages saying....Hey babe I'm bored want to come over? Far too much pressure and second guessing and suspicions going on these days. And just because you had sex last time doesn't mean you should have sex everytime you get together. You're allowed to say no thank you. Edited April 23, 2015 by Buddhist 6
Andy_K Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 If he seems like a decent guy, then stop stressing about it. I'm not so sure it's a good idea to do a 180 at this point, because it very much changes how he will perceive you - but NOT in the way that you think/hope. If you back off after having sex early on, it says to him that you regret your Impulsiveness and lack self control. It says you didn't make an active choice but got carried away. Ironically, it suggests you're MORE likely to be 'that sort of girl'. Guys respect girls who know their own mind and control their own actions. Anything you say that makes you seem more like a stimulus response junkie gives him another red flag. Backing off says you're very insecure about how you come across, and you could be on the verge of entering crazy mode. It puts a lot of pressure on him straight away and, rightly or wrongly, implies that you're not as keen on him as he thought you were.
regine_phalange Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Oh no! You gave up your only treasure! He gave it up too, so no worries. Don't say anything, just make sure your next dates are in public places to see if there is the other kind of chemistry as well. 2
PogoStick Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I don't' think it's smart to start withholding sex either. It doesn't work with a guy to take him backwards in a relationship. You just need to talk with him and be very forward about your desires for a relationship. So sex is ok, but you need to include other relationship type stuff. Don't just go to his place. Have him take you out on real dates. Make sure there is emotional connection being developed through your conversations. If those things are happening then sex should be fine and a natural extension of the dating process. 3
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 So I met a guy on okcupid. We had been texting for weeks. Finally set up a date and hit it off better then ever could have expected. I told myself not to but unfortunately I gave it up. We did everything. He still has been texting me and even invited me over tomorrow which would be a week later. My thing is....I'm not looking for a **** buddy! I knowwww there should have been no sex before monogamy if that's what I wanted! But what's done is done. He seems more relationship oriented then most guys...but idk if I messed it up by putting out! Is our chances of a relationship ruined? He said he isn't hanging with anyone but me! This may be true and I might not have messed up my chances...should we continue to sleep together since we have already done it? Wouldn't that seem strange if I tell him we aren't ready when we've already done it! ? Any suggestions on how I can still seal the deal with this guy even after putting out? Assuming I still want to seal the deal after getting to know him better. So far he is great! Perhaps I am looking for ways to back pedal here... If you are looking for a monogamous relationship and really like this guy. Simply hit the reset button. Go out on dates with him but don't become sexual agaoin. You are not obligated to continue to have sex with him. What you should do now, is first make sure you two are on the same page in terms of what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences for the long run. If he is interested in a relationship for himself and you're on the same page, let him come to you, ask for dates and don't leave the opportunity for sex to happen for a while. Don't go to his home, keep dates public for a little while. If he questions you or pushes you for sex again, you simply tell him that while you enjoyed that experience with him, you two were caught up in the moment and since you two want a quality relationship, it would be best to put that off for a while. If he respects that great, if not, you move on. 1
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I don't think you can not backtrack once sex has been put on the table. I know I would be very frustrated if a man I am seeing decided to withhold sex after we had it once just cause 'it's the thing to do'. I think withholding sex from now on will do more harm than good. You 2 have a great sexual chemistry than enjoy it for all it's worth! If he stays he stays, if he bails he bails ! He is showing signs of liking you as a person so just carry on and have fun! 4
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 If you are looking for a monogamous relationship and really like this guy. Simply hit the reset button. Go out on dates with him but don't become sexual agaoin. You are not obligated to continue to have sex with him. What you should do now, is first make sure you two are on the same page in terms of what you each are looking for out of your dating experiences for the long run. If he is interested in a relationship for himself and you're on the same page, let him come to you, ask for dates and don't leave the opportunity for sex to happen for a while. Don't go to his home, keep dates public for a little while. If he questions you or pushes you for sex again, you simply tell him that while you enjoyed that experience with him, you two were caught up in the moment and since you two want a quality relationship, it would be best to put that off for a while. If he respects that great, if not, you move on. Under different circumstances I would approve but not here. What you are suggesting is to withhold sex to gain a relationship. That is pure manipulation. OP is not a virgin, or a prude, or uncomfortable about sexuality. If she wanted to withhold sex because the experience was unpleasant or she felt pressured, ya sure but it's not the case here. What is done is done. Once you have crossed the line and became intimate you can't control availability of sex to manipulate what you want. 4
katiegrl Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Under different circumstances I would approve but not here. What you are suggesting is to withhold sex to gain a relationship. That is pure manipulation. OP is not a virgin, or a prude, or uncomfortable about sexuality. If she wanted to withhold sex because the experience was unpleasant or she felt pressured, ya sure but it's not the case here. What is done is done. Once you have crossed the line and became intimate you can't control availability of sex to manipulate what you want. Totally agree! If there is any withholding to be had, it should be the OP withholding HER expectations. Sex does not equal "relationship." Let things progress (or not progress) gradually and spontaneously. Don't try and force anything, just because you had (or are having) sex. Be a cool chick he looks forward to seeing, NOT a needy chick he feels pressured to keep seeing. Stay busy, maintain your independence. Give him a chance to wonder about you sometimes, and miss you. Then when you get together, be light and keep it fun! 1
planb1973 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Try this. Tell him you like him and want to pursue something with him and that you enjoyed the sex, but that you think you should each get tested and wait for the results to get back before continuing sexually. his reaction/actions will tell a lot.
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Totally agree! If there is any withholding to be had, it should be the OP withholding HER expectations. Sex does not equal "relationship." Let things progress (or not progress) gradually and spontaneously. Don't try and force anything, just because you had (or are having) sex. Be a cool chick he looks forward to seeing, NOT a needy chick he feels pressured to keep seeing. Stay busy, maintain your independence. Give him a chance to wonder about you sometimes, and miss you. Then when you get together, be light and keep it fun! This is no where near even becoming a relationship yet. They don't even know what they each want out of dating either. They are two individuals who just met. With holding sex at this point is her right and prerogative. She is not doing it to gain a relationship, she is doing it in order to allow herself and himself to have the opportunity to make it a relationship not based on sex and until she knows if they want the same things for themselves in the long run. This is the exact scenario that happens and a woman comes back on here and says, "hey this guy is usuing me for sex". She gave it to him, he continues to take it and doesn't have to do anything to demonstrate his sincerity or true interest in her. From what you are saying above, you're saying she's obligated to have sex with him again just because she did it once and on a first date. A woman is never obligated. I do not advocate using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation in an established relationship or a relationship that has gone on for sometime and/or exclusive. That's wrong. But this is not an established relationship or even close to it and they owe each other nothing. Sex is not a binding contract. The just met, they did it, it is her right to remove it from the table. If she explains her position, tells him she enjoyed it at least, he will understand that she isn't doing it to corner him. See feels she made a mistake. The only way to recover from a mistake is not to do it again. 1
katiegrl Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 This is no where near even becoming a relationship yet. They don't even know what they each want out of dating either. They are two individuals who just met. With holding sex at this point is her right and prerogative. She is not doing it to gain a relationship, she is doing it in order to allow herself and himself to have the opportunity to make it a relationship not based on sex and until she knows if they want the same things for themselves in the long run. This is the exact scenario that happens and a woman comes back on here and says, "hey this guy is usuing me for sex". She gave it to him, he continues to take it and doesn't have to do anything to demonstrate his sincerity or true interest in her. From what you are saying above, you're saying she's obligated to have sex with him again just because she did it once and on a first date. A woman is never obligated. I do not advocate using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation in an established relationship or a relationship that has gone on for sometime and/or exclusive. That's wrong. But this is not an established relationship or even close to it and they owe each other nothing. Sex is not a binding contract. The just met, they did it, it is her right to remove it from the table. If she explains her position, tells him she enjoyed it at least, he will understand that she isn't doing it to corner him. See feels she made a mistake. The only way to recover from a mistake is not to do it again. Where did I say she is "obligated"? I didn't ... and wouldn't. I invite you to read Gaeta's post re withholding sex... and how it is often perceived as manipulation. It is her post I agreed with and was responding to. Thank you.
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 From what you are saying above, you're saying she's obligated to have sex with him again just because she did it once and on a first date. A woman is never obligated. Of course not ! What we're saying is if she feels like having sex than do it. Don't withhold sex to gain a relationship. Maybe OP does not feel the need to take her distance to get to know this guy. If she is comfortable in her sexuality, if she understand sex is a fair trade between 2 person than she should do as she wishes. 35% of hook ups turn into relationships. Having sex on a 1st date is not that uncommon. I had a 4 year relationship with someone I had sex with on a 1st date. Sex now or in 6 weeks is not going to make much of a difference if they are into each other. 1
Gary S Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Well, you can't put the genie back in the bottle after the bottle has been opened. If you withhold sex now, that's just rejection. Chances are, you would turn the guy off. You want his love level to go up, not down. I just wish people could wait at least 3 dates. 4
katiegrl Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 This is no where near even becoming a relationship yet. They don't even know what they each want out of dating either. They are two individuals who just met. With holding sex at this point is her right and prerogative. She is not doing it to gain a relationship, she is doing it in order to allow herself and himself to have the opportunity to make it a relationship not based on sex and until she knows if they want the same things for themselves in the long run. This is the exact scenario that happens and a woman comes back on here and says, "hey this guy is usuing me for sex". She gave it to him, he continues to take it and doesn't have to do anything to demonstrate his sincerity or true interest in her. From what you are saying above, you're saying she's obligated to have sex with him again just because she did it once and on a first date. A woman is never obligated. I do not advocate using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation in an established relationship or a relationship that has gone on for sometime and/or exclusive. That's wrong. But this is not an established relationship or even close to it and they owe each other nothing. Sex is not a binding contract. The just met, they did it, it is her right to remove it from the table. If she explains her position, tells him she enjoyed it at least, he will understand that she isn't doing it to corner him. See feels she made a mistake. The only way to recover from a mistake is not to do it again. >>This is no where near even becoming a relationship yet.<< --- Red, did you miss the part of my post wherein I said "Sex does NOT equal relationship "? I even made that comment a separate paragraph, so not sure how you could have missed it.
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Where did I say she is "obligated"? I didn't ... and wouldn't. I invite you to read Gaeta's post re withholding sex... and how it is often perceived as manipulation. It is her post I agreed with and was responding to. Thank you. I understand, Katie. You and I are usually on the same page I also posted I don't advocate withholding sex also but not after only a first date. She isn't doing it to gain or hold on to a "relationship", she doesn't even know if he wants one. By the same token, if she continues to have sex with him, it's because she's trying to get him to have a relationship with her and win him over with sex. "I am looking for ways to back pedal here..." -- she wants to start over, the right way for an opportunity to have a relationship. She doesn't even know if he wants one yet. "This may be true and I might not have messed up my chances" -- If he doesn't call her again, she'll know she messed up her chance anyway. It would not be perceived as manipulation or rejection to him if she says she wants to continue dating him and she tells him she enjoyed it. And, she can opt to do it again if she wants, but when she starts posting later that she can't figure out if he's just using her for sex, we will tell her that she shouldn't have had sex on the first date. So all I'm saying is that she should go back to the first date and do it right. Explain it to him and if he likes her enough, he'll understand that. If he pushes her for it and dumps her because of that, what will we tell her then? "Well, you shoulda just kept having sex with him so he'd keep seeing you until you knew you had him hooked and used sex to get him?"
Dybbuk Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 OP, I empathize with you. Did the same thing once with a guy I really liked... and others have said here, what's done is done. Take from my experience what you will: 1. I did the same as you a freaked out a little bit. I let my suspicions and nerves get the better of me. I convinced myself this guy was going to assume I was trashy and not want to deal with me even though he did reach out to me the next day and kept in contact. You're your own worst enemy in this situation. You cannot control how he feels about this, all you can do is control your own feelings and carry on how you want to carry on. If he senses that you're frazzled/upset by this, he's going to back off and probably take your reaction as a negative. I don't think anyone on the planet wants to have sex with someone and then the next day find out they were so perturbed by the experience that it made them feel like an awful person... who wants to get involved with that? 2. Understand sex early on has made it a little harder to decipher genuine feelings/interest. You gotta amp up your radar if he really is wanting to see you and spend time with you.... OR call you over so you two can f**k. Still go out on dates. Let him set those up. If his communication becomes sparse, and when he does it seems to always be about you coming over... then you'll have your answer. 3. Sex is on the table. You both put it there. Taking it off the table can come across to him that you didn't enjoy it and don't want to anymore. It's a hit to his ego. Keeping it on the table might cloud your judgement a bit while you think over if this guy has good potential... and again you two are not exclusive so you don't know for sure if he is still keeping his options open because no talk has occurred. Double edged sword, pros and cons to each scenario. The biggest thing is 1st: you need to stand by your decision and be OK with you two having sex. It happened... woo hoo, let's see if there is potential. If you keep sex on the table, then you do need to at least be 'exclusive' in the sense that you don't have other sexual partners. You don't need to catch an STD. You may let him know that you'd like to get to know each other first before you both are ready for the whole 'official BF/GF' title. That way there is less pressure on that, but he knows that you are not put off by him sexually. If you'd like to take sex off the table for the time being because you think it might cloud your judgement or rush you two into something you're both not ready for then you still need to keep the momentum/tension. The reason dating is so fun at the start is there is that mystery and tension building up. You can recreate that so you both have time to evaluate each other as partners. You could let him know you want to wait on sex again, but be flirty about it and confident/happy about what happened. You could say something like: "You won't be getting my clothes off that easy next round. ;)" or "It's going to be really hard for me too... but let's restrain ourselves a little bit. I really like you and want to get to know you" TLDR; You had sex. OWN IT. Don't scare him off with the "OMG I feel like a hussy!" Not appealing. Watch out for booty calls. Decide what YOU want to do and OWN IT. If he's not on board, time to move on and file this under "Lessons Learned"
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