londonqueen Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Where to begin... I met my boyfriend at a brothel. I was working there and he was a client. After the second time I saw him, he asked me out. To cut a long story short, we dated for a couple of weeks. He asked me to stop working, I refused at first (couldn't afford to quit). He got mad every time I worked, shouting abuse and calling me a whore etc. After about a month of this, I quit, as the guilt was killing me. I thought then that the arguments would stop. But instead they just seem to have increased. When he loses his temper he talks to me horribly, calls me every name under the sun (though nothing to do with me being a prostitute). Usually within a couple of hours he calms down and we can talk it through. He says incredibly painful things though, things that have hurt me so deeply, and have affected my self-esteem, at a time where I need to feel good about myself because I need to find another job. A lot of our arguments seem to stem from (from my point of view) incredibly insignificant things, for example about a month ago I waited for 3 hours after work (a different non-whoring job) to call him, and he thought I was messaging other guys on facebook, I hadn't been, I was spending some time with my housemate. After this particular argument he admitted weed seemed to fuel his paranoia, and his temper comes from a very violent childhood. He said he would quit (I didn't want to mention it because I don't want to put pressure on him) and I said I would travel down to see him the next day (i live about 2 hours away), I got there and he was on his way to pick up, I was incredibly hurt by this because I told him that I couldn't deal with these arguments anymore and that they needed to end, which is when he said it was the weed. I felt that he was choosing weed over our relationship, but he told me that it takes time, so I left him to it and he seemed to be making progress, but that seems to have been short-lived. I'm not perfect, I never professed to be, but I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried arguing back, ignoring him, try to reason with him. Nothing works, I just have to ride it out until he is willing to talk. I feel like no matter what I do nothing is ever good enough for him. Even when he's calm he says stuff like he feels like I'm a hassle, and that when I was away at least he had 2 hours to himself. He doesn't think I have any self-respect, because of what I used to do, and I guess lately he's been seeing the results of how he has spoken to me. I'm not saying I don't have self esteem issues, I probably do a bit, but the way he's been treating me has just made me feel like the worst person in the world. He said that anyone that did my job has to have something intrinsically wrong with them, and he doesn't know if he can be in a long term relationship with someone that has done what I have done. I feel like I am being tested and judged all the time. I understand if he can't get over my past, but in so many arguments, it has literally no relevance, its just very minor stuff that he goes mad about. I don't know if this is the major issue underneath it all or not. He says he loves me and most of the time he shows me he cares about me, but I feel that he accepts me for who I am, and loves me in an unselfish way. We have only been together for four months, he has lost a job, I've left my job, both completely broke and don't get any time together (he works week days, I work weekends) so we have had a lot of stuff working against us, but its not an excuse for these horrific arguments. I'm not expecting anything from this post, just needed to write it out. Please if you respond don't judge me for my past life, I am trying so desperately to get over my past.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 You need to get this guy out of your life, ASAP. Not all guys who visit sex workers are abusive, but there are a good number. The way this guy verbally abuses you shows that he's not one of the good ones. It might start out as verbal abuse but turn into physical abuse. You don't need this.You shouldn't quit what you do because a guy wants you to. You should quit because YOU want to. There is a big difference, and it is important.Just because of what you do doesn't make you dirty, terrible, or any of the things he claims. You are entitled to respect like every single one of us. 6
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 In Anthony Robbins's book 'The Giant Within' at some point he says: The answers to our questions aren't important. What is important is the questions we ask ourselves. We have to ask ourselves the important questions. Have you ask yourself why you are in this relationship and why you are accepting his abuse? Before you met him you were doing just fine, and after him you will do just fine as well. 3
Author londonqueen Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 In Anthony Robbins's book 'The Giant Within' at some point he says: The answers to our questions aren't important. What is important is the questions we ask ourselves. We have to ask ourselves the important questions. Have you ask yourself why you are in this relationship and why you are accepting his abuse? Before you met him you were doing just fine, and after him you will do just fine as well. Yes I have thought about it... I think its because when its good its SO good, that I don't want to give it up, its the first time I've felt that way for a long time. But, my overall wellbeing is definitely worse... and ultimately I need to look after me. I've thought about ending it so many times, but I just haven't had the strength to stick with it. I'm starting to realise that this is him, and its not going to change.
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Yes I have thought about it... I think its because when its good its SO good, that I don't want to give it up, its the first time I've felt that way for a long time. But, my overall wellbeing is definitely worse... and ultimately I need to look after me. I've thought about ending it so many times, but I just haven't had the strength to stick with it. I'm starting to realise that this is him, and its not going to change. Be strong and end it with him. You can do it
Gaeta Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Yes I have thought about it... I think its because when its good its SO good, that I don't want to give it up, its the first time I've felt that way for a long time. But, my overall wellbeing is definitely worse... and ultimately I need to look after me. I've thought about ending it so many times, but I just haven't had the strength to stick with it. I'm starting to realise that this is him, and its not going to change. When you are in a toxic relationship you have to treat it for what it is, it's an addiction. Yes the good moments are super good but the side effects of your addiction are destructive. If you let the addiction go on it will destroy you and every bit of self worth you still possess. While you are still self aware enough to make a decision, end it. Don't be another statistic, another woman remaining in an abusive relationship.
preraph Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Look, you're in a bad situation with him. He is a huge hypocrite because he chose to see a sex worker, and now he's villifying you for being one. He's just as bad as you are because he's seeing sex workers and men who do that usually have very little respect for women in general and, worse, very little empathy for why they ended up doing what they're doing. They don't get that they are perpetuating a cycle. But it's kind of well known that strippers and sex workers attract the very worst men who have substance problems as well as dysfunctional and violent. Think about it, if he were a well balanced man who knew how to love, why would he be paying for it? He's have been snapped up. So you really must not date any of your clients because it's a sure thing you'll end up with a messed up scary dysfunctional guy. Do not stay and let him be abusive to you. You cannot change him. Nothing you do can change him because his insecurities come from within himself not from you. Please stay on birth control and get him out of your life -- and most important, get yourself out of the life and get yourself settled into something safer before you try to find a man.
LostOnes05 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 He says something is intrinsically wrong with you?? His logic is ridiculous. He came to a brothel and met you. He then proceeds to ask you out, knowing what your occupation is. And then he gets upset with you about it and calls you names?? Nah, get away from this dude ASAP. Something is wrong with him. He is trying to groom you into accepting his verbal abuse and lower your self-esteem to ensure that you don't leave him. What kind of man calls the woman he "loves" a whore? Everyone has some kind of insecurity, but why be in a relationship with someone that puts an chain and cement block around your neck and kicks you overboard?? Someone should build you up in a relationship, not break you down. You can do much better than this guy broke or not, so do yourself a favor and do it!! Best of luck and well wishes!!
Buddhist Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 If I were you I'd go back to my former career and forget this guy. He's got issues I'm sorry to say and for heavens sake whatever you do, do NOT move in with him. His bad temper and tendency towards hatred will turn this relationship violent. He met you at a brothel, fully aware of what your job was. Him expecting you to quit that job just because he wants to be your boyfriend was in my opinion too much. Your past is your past and no amount of trying to please him will ever make it not your past. He judges you for it and thinks that he can abuse you in any way he likes as a consequence. Get rid of this guy and move on with your life in whatever way is best for you.
WonderKid Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 You should not have left your job. Don't cash all in like that. Thank goodness you two didn't make kids yet. Pay attention to the many LS posters telling you to get the guy out your life.
elaine567 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Use this episode as a impetus into a new way for life for you and forget him. Get a proper job and work to better yourself. He deliberately chose you because you were weak and vulnerable and he knew he could abuse you. You can do so much better.
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