He bought the ring, what do I do NOW?

April 22, 2015

I am in trouble. My boyfriend of 9 months bought an engagement ring and I know he's planning to propose on a trip he planned this weekend. (He told me so during a fight!)

Anyway -- I am nervous about marrying this man. Here's why. Early on we had trust issues. He saw that I was texting another guy after about 3 months into our relationship. We worked it out and I told him it was because I wasn't really stable in our relationship yet-- because he had been very angry at times. He has tendency to have rages that scared me. He's latin. He has since tamed it down. We worked things out -

But, he continues to believe I'll cheat. He tracks me left and right. And if I tell him that I have to travel at all or network for work - he will make statements like "I'm sure you are going to find yourself another man...I see how it is.."

This jealousy has caused fights. The other night we were arguing -- he told me that I seemed "off..." That I seemed quieter than normal. I told him I was fine -- just a little tired. Then he accused me of not being as se*ual because we hadn't had se* in 2 days. I told him I was just busy with work.

Then -- he started saying things like "you think I want to marry you like this??" Or "I can't talk to you -- (since I started crying)." "I can never relate to you..." "How in the hell is this going to work?!" "you are not the same person I met....are you?" "You are cold" ..."You aren't the picture of a happy woman..." "I planned this trip to get engaged to you -- maybe you want to cancel it??"

Those statements leave me in major tears. Because I have moved across the country to live with him - because he wanted me to -- he hated the long distance. I left everyone behind. And now he went and bought the ring today and I know he plans to propose.

I talked to him about it today and I told him I felt very nervous because of our fighting and that I was terrified that I didn't have a solid job anymore. He said he didn't understand why I felt so insecure. I told him the above statements! He said -- that I should look within myself and change my behavior because he only wants to see me look happy and proud to be with him -- and that if I'm not projecting that -- he will call me on it. He says he is insecure about whether I will stay with him ---

What do I do? I live with him -- and again -- he plans to propose on Friday.

I do have the option to go back home and get my job back -- but I love this man. Am I insane?

April 22, 2015

Listen to your gut. I know it's in our nature to second guess are most basic instinct but if I've learned anything in my 45 years it's to listen to your gut. It is rarely ever wrong.

Something that might help put things into perspective for you is to ask yourself this simple question; if this is as good as it will ever get with this man, is it good enough? The odds of things really changing and getting better are very slim so you better be ready to live with him and his temper and his insecurities for a very long time. You can't live for the hope that marriage will make things better because the truth is that it often only exacerbates an already tenuous situation.

You already know what you want and need to do.

Good luck.

April 22, 2015

You are being manipulated, and that is a huge red flag. Get out while you can. I'm not psychic, but I foresee much abuse if you stay with this person. Regardless of whether you love him or not, this sounds like a full on unhealthy relationship.

April 22, 2015

Do not marry this man.

April 22, 2015

He can return the ring. Maybe he can get money back on the tickets. If it's not going down, tell him before he wastes money.

April 22, 2015

I am nervous about marrying this man.

but I love this man. Am I insane?

Yes you are insane, to answer your question. You know very well the guy is wrong for you, but why you want to convince yourself it is love, is the insane part. Lack of trust, control, manipulation, all within 9 months. Break up with the guy, move back home, and cut him out of your life completely. Go no contact.

April 22, 2015

Well here is what's strange. He begged me to move and quit my job. And I said I couldn't because I didn't want him paying my bills. He said he wanted to... Begged.

So now that I'm here and no money... I told him what I had coming due next month. He knew the totals. Just not the specific dates. When I told him the information he flipped out. He said "are you trying to punish me for being with you?!" I said no! Never. I hate asking for help. You knkw I wanted to keep working! He then said "it's like you are trying to find every single negative thing and throw it in my face.." Then he said maybe he should cancel the trip. He said "you realize that was where I was going to propose!" "Look what you have done. Why do you do this to me?"

So the very next day he apologized. Started crying. Begged my forgiveness. And told me he can't lose me. He was worried I was going to leave and go back to work. I told him I wanted to go work for the day on a project. It was 2 hours away. He flipped out. He started screaming and yelling at me. And told me that working away from him should not be my priority. That I am too stubborn and he doesn't know how to take it.

April 22, 2015

But, he continues to believe I'll cheat. He tracks me left and right. And if I tell him that I have to travel at all or network for work - he will make statements like "I'm sure you are going to find yourself another man...I see how it is.."

That doesn't make any sense and would annoy me endlessly.

This jealousy has caused fights. The other night we were arguing -- he told me that I seemed "off..." That I seemed quieter than normal. I told him I was fine -- just a little tired. Then he accused me of not being as se*ual because we hadn't had se* in 2 days. I told him I was just busy with work.

Then -- he started saying things like "you think I want to marry you like this??" Or "I can't talk to you -- (since I started crying)." "I can never relate to you..." "How in the hell is this going to work?!" "you are not the same person I met....are you?" "You are cold" ..."You aren't the picture of a happy woman..." "I planned this trip to get engaged to you -- maybe you want to cancel it??"

So if you're tired or upset then you don't get the honor of marrying this guy? It sounds emotionally manipulative. It basically translates to "if you don't act exactly the way I want, then I won't marry you." This is a guy who won't let you be tired or upset, two perfectly normal things you're bound to be at some point in the future. Major red flag. My response would be "Why the **** would I want to marry someone who cries when his girlfriend gets tired?"

Those statements leave me in major tears. Because I have moved across the country to live with him - because he wanted me to -- he hated the long distance. I left everyone behind. And now he went and bought the ring today and I know he plans to propose.

So you made a life altering decision for this guy and he doesn't respect the sacrifice you made?

He said -- that I should look within myself and change my behavior because he only wants to see me look happy and proud to be with him -- and that if I'm not projecting that -- he will call me on it. He says he is insecure about whether I will stay with him.

This guy is trying very hard to turn the meaning of "I only want to see you happy" (as in, "that's my only desire") into "you aren't ever allowed to be sad with me" -- these are very different things and he's trying to blur the lines between them to make himself seem right. He's trying to invalidate your feelings and impose new ones on you, which is insane. His real desire isn't to marry you, it's to control you. Things won't change once you get married, they'll actually get harder because you're legally bound to that person.

Personally I wouldn't marry this guy in a million years. When it comes to marriage and spending the rest of your life with someone, you shouldn't have any hesitations about the person's character. You've got so many you're asking advice from strangers.

I do have the option to go back home and get my job back -- but I love this man.

The guy is bad news, I would go home in a heartbeat if I were you. Find a guy who isn't manipulative, isn't totally insecure, who respects your emotions, who you don't have any hesitations about. This guy sounds awful.

April 22, 2015

I understand what you mean -- I just don't know why this is so difficult for me.

I left to go to work today and he literally keeps texting and demanding that I call him "I'm devastated..." "I feel like I am dying.." "what are you doing? Who are you talking to?''

Then the texts weren't sending on his phone properly and he accused me of blocking him...or having a separate phone....

He is demanding that I call him right now because I told him that I "might" work for the rest of the month.... He says what about the trip? What now?

"everytime I plan something nice...you blow it up!"

April 22, 2015

He is abusive.

Do not marry him and cut this relationship asap.

Read and learn:

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft on kindle or paperback

It's not a cheapo read but it is what you need to know right now.

If it is too expensive go for Toads and the Women Who Kiss Them by Alexandra Nouri.

It diagnoses narcissism (I hate self diagnosis) but it's actually a great book.

Both are great and I have read many.

There is only one other book I would totally recommend which is free on US or 99p on UK Kindle - is a 2 hour read called The Jealousy Game by Mandy White. Start with that - if nothing else it will make you see some things and realise what might happen if you stay.

April 22, 2015

What I'm not understanding is why you don't stand up for yourself? Why do you let him yell at you? Why do you let him tell you you cannot work when you want to work? Why haven't you told him that you don't want to marry him? WTF?

April 22, 2015

He begged me to move and quit my job. And I said I couldn't because I didn't want him paying my bills. He said he wanted to... Begged.

My assumption is that he's the kind of guy who doesn't want you to work because he wants you to be dependent on him. Another huge red flag. If you have your own money, then you can leave. If you don't, then you can't.

So now that I'm here and no money... I told him what I had coming due next month. He knew the totals. Just not the specific dates. When I told him the information he flipped out. He said "are you trying to punish me for being with you?!"

Asking him to pay bills after he wanted you to quit your job isn't punishing him, it's what he wanted. It's nothing to get upset about.

He then said "it's like you are trying to find every single negative thing and throw it in my face.." Then he said maybe he should cancel the trip. He said "you realize that was where I was going to propose!" "Look what you have done. Why do you do this to me?"

This guy is out of his mind. The next he says "maybe I should cancel the trip" you should say "go ahead." He's trying to use all sorts of leverage he doesn't have. He should know acting crazy and non-sensical like that makes you less inclined to marry him. So he's dumb, too.

So the very next day he apologized. Started crying. Begged my forgiveness. And told me he can't lose me. He was worried I was going to leave and go back to work. I told him I wanted to go work for the day on a project. It was 2 hours away. He flipped out. He started screaming and yelling at me. And told me that working away from him should not be my priority. That I am too stubborn and he doesn't know how to take it.

So he said he was sorry. Then he started screaming at you again. Shows how "sorry" he was. Tell him if he can't pay the bills, then working should be your absolute priority. What's wrong with this moron? And then the irony of him telling you you're stubborn...

For the love of God, leave this guy and never look back.

April 22, 2015

Well I did want to marry him --- I love him very much. But, the huge red flags didn't start waving until I gave up everything and moved to be with him. So, I broke down in a heap of tears the other night -- because he kept screaming "how is this going to work?" "what is wrong with you?" "I can't even communicate with you, without tears!" "What am I supposed to do???"

I broke down so badly. Crying harder than I think I ever cried. Screaming - What have I done?....because it hit me that I left EVERYTHING behind for him and now if we break up -- I have ZERO. I don't have a close family and they aren't really in my life. And my friends said I was a fool for leaving -- so I just feel so nervous.

Part of the reason he sees me perplexed is because I will sit thinking about ways of trying to make money. I am used to making 6 figures and I gave that up for him... and getting a new job isn't easy -- especially at that caliber!

So when I started crying like that -- he said he was leaving the house because I wouldn't stop crying and he couldn't take it. He didn't end up leaving --

But, I yelled "oh my gosh -- are you saying that you are ending this now??" He said "if you say that to me one more time -- we ARE DONE!"

I asked him about that today and he said it was because he just couldn't understand why I wouldn't just trust him....

I feel like I'm in the twighlight zone!

What I'm not understanding is why you don't stand up for yourself? Why do you let him yell at you? Why do you let him tell you you cannot work when you want to work? Why haven't you told him that you don't want to marry him? WTF?

April 22, 2015

Well I did want to marry him --- I love him very much. But, the huge red flags didn't start waving until I gave up everything and moved to be with him. So, I broke down in a heap of tears the other night -- because he kept screaming "how is this going to work?" "what is wrong with you?" "I can't even communicate with you, without tears!" "What am I supposed to do???"

So the trouble started as soon as you were in immediate proximity to each other? That doesn't sound promising. Especially since if you get married you'll likely be in his immediate proximity for the next 40+ years.

But, I yelled "oh my gosh -- are you saying that you are ending this now??" He said "if you say that to me one more time -- we ARE DONE!"

You need to stop giving validity to his threats by asking "are you saying you're ending this??" This guy is a moronic, manipulative *******, remember? You want it to end, or at least change, don't you? When he threatens to end it you need to call his bluff and let him. That's the only way you'll get him to change. He'll come back crying like a little boy, saying he'll do anything. That's when you gain all the leverage. You can either leave for good (which I suggest you do) or tell him you'll leave if he doesn't stop manipulating you, invalidating your feelings, and trying to possess you.

Edited April 22, 2015 by normal person

April 22, 2015

Move back.

April 22, 2015

Yes, everytime I'm tough -- he does come back crying.

I realize I am in control when it comes to that - and he tells me the only way our relationship will end is if "I" want it to ....or if I'm not happy ....

But the problem is he is always overanalyzing. He studies me and he watches my mannerisms and tells me that I look worried....or cold...or paranoid. You name it.

When I told him to STOP telling me that -- he blew up. He said that he just sees a change in me. And it's a viscous cycle. As I start getting worried - he will LITERALLY -- every 5 to 10 minutes say..."do you still love me?" "are you still attracted to me?" "You want a millionaire don't you?" He spent days doing that -- or we would be walking in the mall and he'd grab my hand and start kissing it -- or grabbing my hips -- just trying to get me to come closer to him. But, these things are total turn offs for me -- little kisses on my hand in public look and feel ridiculous...

Last night he got angry because he said "we can't even agree on whether we are going to watch a movie..."

What happened was I said I needed to work a little on my laptop filling out resumes -- and I could watch at the same time. Then, he said no you need to tune in if you are going to watch...I said "okay - then go ahead and watch something else...I'll sit here next to you and work...while you do that..."

Then he says ..."so you are going to watch?" I said " a little -- but I have to work some. Then he screamed "why can't you just make up your mind..." "what in the world ...you can't even decide on a movie with me..."

April 22, 2015

You do not want to marry an, angry, bitter, immature, abusive, manipulative man.

April 22, 2015

You left out "controlling".

April 22, 2015

What's the reason he's such a prize to you, he sounds disgusting and your relationship sounds 100% miserable!!!

April 22, 2015

Well I did want to marry him --- I love him very much. But, the huge red flags didn't start waving until I gave up everything and moved to be with him. So, I broke down in a heap of tears the other night -- because he kept screaming "how is this going to work?" "what is wrong with you?" "I can't even communicate with you, without tears!" "What am I supposed to do???"

I broke down so badly. Crying harder than I think I ever cried. Screaming - What have I done?....because it hit me that I left EVERYTHING behind for him and now if we break up -- I have ZERO. I don't have a close family and they aren't really in my life. And my friends said I was a fool for leaving -- so I just feel so nervous.

Part of the reason he sees me perplexed is because I will sit thinking about ways of trying to make money. I am used to making 6 figures and I gave that up for him... and getting a new job isn't easy -- especially at that caliber!

So when I started crying like that -- he said he was leaving the house because I wouldn't stop crying and he couldn't take it. He didn't end up leaving --

But, I yelled "oh my gosh -- are you saying that you are ending this now??" He said "if you say that to me one more time -- we ARE DONE!"

I asked him about that today and he said it was because he just couldn't understand why I wouldn't just trust him....

I feel like I'm in the twighlight zone!

YOU feel like that because you are being abused, he isolated you and now you are paying the price.

Your friends will accept you back with open arms, contact them, and arrange to leave, but do not tell him of your plans.

Please RUN, he sounds crazy.

April 22, 2015

Cancel the trip, break up with him, move back home.

You might have zero after, but that's a hell of a lot more than you have right now.

April 22, 2015

6 figure salary - okay, come on then. You're a smart independent woman.

You are only insane if you say yes. You are only insane if you stay in this abusive relationship.

You are an abused woman. Want to know how you dominate a smart independent woman? You make her dependent (by quitting her job and moving to you). Then you abuse her. Make her shun her talents (her smarts in this case). Turn her back to them and long to be free of them. You know how you do that? You make her intelligence her worst enemy. Make her intelligence the root cause of her emotional swings. If only you could be accepting. If only you could be pliant.

That's how you dominate a smart independent woman and that is exactly what is happening.

And it isn't uncommon for smart independent women to be drawn to men like this like moths to the flame. Down deep you desire to surrender yourself to a strong masculine personality. A man you can't dominate. A man you can respect and be the feminine energy to his masculine.

The only problem is that the reason you can't dominate this man is that he is a massive abuse a-hole. Trust me, the world is full of them. There is nothing special about this guy.

End it immediately. Move and get your old job back. Take some time to heal and then go back out there and look for that strong masculine persona. This time, don't confuse a-hole with strength. Deep down inside this guy is a fragile as a crystal vase.

Best of luck!

April 22, 2015

So you are in a bad, unhappy relationship. You know you should end it but are feeling confused because you know he bought a ring.

There is NOTHING in the world that says you have to accept his offer of marriage.

You can always decline the ring until you are in a better space (i.e. Without him!)

April 22, 2015

Contact your previous boss to get your old six figure job back.

Explain the situation if you need to. Dont marry this guy. Move back home.

April 22, 2015

Yes, everytime I'm tough -- he does come back crying.

I realize I am in control when it comes to that - and he tells me the only way our relationship will end is if "I" want it to ....or if I'm not happy ....

You aren't happy though. So end it. Tell him that his constant surveillance of you, his emotional/financial manipulation of you, and his blatant insecurity is making you incredibly unhappy and you don't want to be with someone who makes you feel that way, because your life will be miserable.

Somewhere out there is a guy who wants to make you happy, this guy does nothing but make you upset. This one is about as far away from a marriage candidate as you can get. Please don't stay with him just because it's more convenient than leaving.

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He bought the ring, what do I do NOW?

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