Girlfriend with lots of hobbies and little time

[Whisky1981]

Hello,

 

so I have some issues with my new relationship. I am seeing this girl for 4 months now. The problem is that she has very little time. She works 9 to 5 during the week and on weekends she goes away to her parents. The only days that she is free are wednesday evening, friday evening and suterday morning.

 

The thing is that beside her work she has two hobbies that take a big chunk of her free time. The first hobby are horses (she owns two) and that takes 3 days a week in which we can see each other only in late hours. The other one is salsa dancing.

 

I never was the guy who is clingy and I never asked my girlfriends to stop doing something because they were with me. But I realized that the situation with her is bothering me a lot.

 

I said to her that I won't complain about her horses and that I won't try to stop her being around them because they were there way before me and she is emotionally attached to them, like a person to his dog.

 

When we met I started to dance salsa with her, this went on for something like 2 months. The problem is that she is taking another class of salsa with a codancer that she met before me. Now I know that she has nothing else but dancing with this person but the fact that I agreed dancing with her (against my will, I did a favor to her) I expected that after a while she would left the other class and her old codancer.

 

But the problem lays somewhere else. She was going on the dance classes every monday, I went with her on tusedays and 2 weeks ago I realized that she is going dancing also on thursdays (she kind of lied to me about this, but later she said that even her wasn't sure - ok ther were some miscomunitcation) - when I met her she was dancing only on mondays. Whe I discovered that she is going danceing two times a week with somebody else I got very angry and discussed it with her trough and trough.

 

I said to her that if she wants to spend so much time with her horses and her codancer she better off be alone and that we can split right there. I also said that if she wants to continue dancing with me she had to leave the other dance class otherwise I won't dance with her anymore.

 

She didn't want me to leave in fact she asked me to stay because I was ready to leave. So I said to her to choose between the old codancer and me. What she did is that she chose him over me and now she is going dancing with him every monday but she isn't going dancing on thursdays anymore. We stopped dancing on tusedays as I said to her it would happen.

 

So basicly my question here is the following:

 

How much hobbies are too much to affect a relationship?

(Remember that she has 2 hobbies that take 5 days a week)

 

Am I allowed to ask her to stop doing something because I want to spend more time with her?

(I was never like that before so I don't know how to act and I don't want to come out possesive)

 

Another question is how would you react if she chosed another codancer over you even thou you are her boyfriend and you agreed to take part in her hobby that you don't like very much?

 

Thank you a lot for reading all these and sorry for my broken english .

 

I really need some advice because I don't want to be possesive but I don't want to be fooled either.

[wizer]

I wouldn't want to be with a woman who had such little time for a relationship.

 

I enjoy my alone time but this is ridiculous. To her, you're nothing more than just another one of her many hobbies.

[jen1447]

The horses thing isn't going to change. People + horses are like people + motorcycles - you do NOT get between them and that thing. It's actually lowballing it to say those are hobbies, bc they're much more intrinsically attached to their identities than to be simple pasttimes.

 

Dancing ....frankly you sound kind of possessive already. Seems simple to me - you gave her your terms and allowed her to choose, she took you at your word, and she did. If you don't like her choice, that's kinda going back on the terms. If you can't live with it, tell her so and be prepared to walk, but also be prepared for her to bolt bc you're exposing yourself as a bit controlling imo.

[d0nnivain]

She's busy. You tried by taking up salsa & you know that the horses are non negotiable.

 

 

Here's the thing though if you were important to her she's make more room in her life for you.

 

 

You don't have to stop dating her but unless she makes you a priority I would only keep her as an option in your life. Guard your heart because will never be careful enough with it

[Diezel]

Make her your ex-girlfriend then.

 

She's not going to give up her hobbies for you, and it's somewhat selfish to expect her to do so.

[Frank2thepoint]

Am I allowed to ask her to stop doing something because I want to spend more time with her?

(I was never like that before so I don't know how to act and I don't want to come out possesive)

 

You can ask her to spend more time with you, but you cannot ask her to choose you over a hobby. That's being controlling and manipulative. If she can't give you some extra time, then you two are incompatible.

 

Another question is how would you react if she chosed another codancer over you even thou you are her boyfriend and you agreed to take part in her hobby that you don't like very much?

 

This is about control. If you don't enjoy her hobby, why else would you partake in it unless you wanted to keep your eyes on her especially during her free time? Because you want to control her.

 

Honestly, you should just break it off with her. You two are incompatible, she doesn't have much time for the relationship, and you are exhibiting controlling tendencies. Don't go down that path. Just leave her be, and go your own way.

[mammasita]

She just doesn't have time for you and more importantly doesn't want to make time for you. I say look elsewhere for someone who wants to spend time with you.

[GemmaUK]

Her horses and her dancing are what she does to keep in shape as well as they are fun for her.

Would you rather she got fat?

 

 

You said in your opening post that you went dancing against your will so why go anyway??

 

You said she 'kinda lied' about when she goes dancing. What you mean is she didn't tell you - why would she need to? 4 months is early days so when should she have not 'lied'?

You don't like it so got very angry with her..wtf?

 

End it.

She deserves a healthy man with a good attitude towards women in general and with his partner plus a man who has his own interests.

 

You are being controlling and emotionally abusive if you have an issue with her hobbies - she will soon feel smothered if she doesn't already.

[preraph]

If you want to stop someone from doing the things you love, then you are being selfish. If she wanted to date her old partner, don't you think she'd already have done that and be with him now? You need to get your own life outside of just having one when she's available. Otherwise, this will not work. And you should never ask anyone to give you their animals, which I think you did say you wouldn't do, because again, you don't ask someone you care about to give up something they love so much. She won't do it anyway.

 

We all need someone who enhances the life we already have, not who comes in and dismantles it. Otherwise, what is the point?

[GemmaUK]

We all need someone who enhances the life we already have, not who comes in and dismantles it.

 

 

Perfect! :

I will plagiarise...be warned!

[Whisky1981]

Thanks a lot for all the responses.

 

So I would just like to clear something out about my control or abusive tendencies and so on...

 

When we started dating I have never forbid anything to her, not her dancing and not her horses.

 

As I said before she has very little time 5 days out of 7 she has something else to do so I can't even make plans to go anywhere with her.

 

I made her chose only because, to all her hobbies she added one more day by going dancing with somebody else rather than me. If she wouldn't have done that I would have never made her choose between her hobby or me. I just felt that she didn' deserve that I make any sacrifice for her.

 

Why did I go dancing with her in the first place? I did it for her, she literaly dragged me to the dance class and in the end I gave in and did it for her.

 

And about the angry thing, there was something else. She made plans with me one day and said that she would have called me. I waited for her call and she called only in the evening totally forgetting that she made a plan with me. And that same day that she made plans with me she went dancing without even calling me and cancel the thing she set up. So wouldn't you go angry about something like this?

[Whisky1981]

Dancing ....frankly you sound kind of possessive already. Seems simple to me - you gave her your terms and allowed her to choose, she took you at your word, and she did. If you don't like her choice, that's kinda going back on the terms. If you can't live with it, tell her so and be prepared to walk, but also be prepared for her to bolt bc you're exposing yourself as a bit controlling imo.

 

When she chose I said nothing, I was totally normal with her like nothing happened. The only thing that came out of this is that I am not going on dance class with her anymore. That's all, I didn't even mention a thing about the situation when she made her choice. Why am I controlling? Dosen't this sound like I am ok with her choice?

[wizer]

Why am I controlling? Dosen't this sound like I am ok with her choice?

 

You are not ok with her choice.

 

That's why you started this thread in the first place.

 

I don't see your actions as controlling, the two of you are just not on the same page as far as how much time you want to spend together.

[Whisky1981]

Make her your ex-girlfriend then.

 

She's not going to give up her hobbies for you, and it's somewhat selfish to expect her to do so.

 

Thanks for the advaice but you know that matters of heart are never so easy as written words.

 

And basically I never asked her to give something up I just wanted her to do her hobby with me rather than with somebody else. And I wouldn't have done that if she didn't add one more day to her hobbies that didn't include me.

[Whisky1981]

You are not ok with her choice.

 

That's why you started this thread in the first place.

 

I don't see your actions as controlling, the two of you are just not on the same page as far as how much time you want to spend together.

 

Thanks.

 

I started this tread because I wanted to see how other people would react in my situation. I wanted to be sure about my actions, there is always somebody else that knows better and can give you an advice or two.

 

I was fooled in the past and I don't want to invest time and emotions in something that sounds fishy....

[Whisky1981]

Her horses and her dancing are what she does to keep in shape as well as they are fun for her.

Would you rather she got fat?

 

 

You said in your opening post that you went dancing against your will so why go anyway??

 

You said she 'kinda lied' about when she goes dancing. What you mean is she didn't tell you - why would she need to? 4 months is early days so when should she have not 'lied'?

You don't like it so got very angry with her..wtf?

 

End it.

She deserves a healthy man with a good attitude towards women in general and with his partner plus a man who has his own interests.

 

You are being controlling and emotionally abusive if you have an issue with her hobbies - she will soon feel smothered if she doesn't already.

 

Hm...this is a little harsh. Thanks anyway.

 

I would like to clear some of the things.

 

I went dancing because she really wanted to go dance with me. She was very persistent to the point that she literaly dragged me to the dance class without me even knowing it and in the end I gave in and did it for her.

 

When I got angry, I didn't make a scene I just set down with her and discussed what was bothering me and said to her that things have to change otherwise I am leaving. Yes I made her choose between her codancer and me and when she did I said nothing to her and I was perfectly normal. I have my own life but it dosen't take 5 days out of 7.

 

And believe me I have a very good attitude towards women and because of my good attitude I was fooled many times in the past.

[autumnnight]

Unless you see yourself becoming a horse person, you need to move on. I know some horse people very well, and trust me when I say those horses permanently occupy first place.

[Whisky1981]

Unless you see yourself becoming a horse person, you need to move on. I know some horse people very well, and trust me when I say those horses permanently occupy first place.

 

I discussed this with her and said that I will never take care of her horses, that she will have to do that by herself or getting an outside help in caring for them. She was ok with that. I also asked her if she knows what the priorites of life are when kids come along so she wouldn't alienate her own children over her horses. You never know, but her answers about that were pretty mature.

[autumnnight]

I'll put it this way: I had a friend who was supposed to get a certain horse for her 16th birthday. Her dad lost his job and some other things and they just couldn't afford it. She called her parents all sorts of names, RAN AWAY, didn't speak to them for a month, and 20 years later STILL thinks it was all their fault.

 

This is not a unique story, sadly.

[SycamoreCircle]

It sounds to me like this isn't so much about her hobbies, it's about her spending time with this co-dancer.

 

I don't understand why you're so hesitant to admit this. I'd be ruffled, too.

 

I would end things. It doesn't sound like she's that into you. Also, I find people that spread themselves too thin are usually hiding from something---typically, emptiness. They think if they scribble every margin of their calendar, they will lead a fulfilling life. But that's just my opinion.

 

Dump her. Find someone that wants to discover things WITH you.

[Whisky1981]

It sounds to me like this isn't so much about her hobbies, it's about her spending time with this co-dancer.

 

I don't understand why you're so hesitant to admit this. I'd be ruffled, too.

 

I would end things. It doesn't sound like she's that into you. Also, I find people that spread themselves too thin are usually hiding from something---typically, emptiness. They think if they scribble every margin of their calendar, they will lead a fulfilling life. But that's just my opinion.

 

Dump her. Find someone that wants to discover things WITH you.

 

Thanks.

 

Initially it wasn't about the co-dancer and it wasnt about anything else. I went berserk (inside), when she ditched a date with me that she set up herself to go dancing with somebody else without even calling me to cancel first...then she called later that night as if nothing happend....i left her at that point and then she called me back to apologize and to set things right. Only after that episode I told her that her co-dancer kind of bother me....I didn't make any scenes, I only told her that if she will continue her dancing with him I wouldn't go to dance classes with her anymore. And she chose her co-dancer....I didn't say anything after her choice...she brought this up the day she went dancing with him and I said that I would stay by my word and never again go dancing with her....that's all I did.

[SycamoreCircle]

It sounds to me like you may have boundary issues. Meaning---I bet she's pulled aggravating stuff like this before in the relationship. And you let it slide. She lost respect for you in the process. Think back. I bet it's there. She's the type of woman that wants a guy to keep her in line.

 

It's too late now and honestly, why would you want to be with someone like this? But in the future when these little warnings crop up make the decision to pull the plug. You'll be saving yourself a lot of trouble.

[bu2002]

Her horses and her dancing are what she does to keep in shape as well as they are fun for her.

Would you rather she got fat?

 

 

You said in your opening post that you went dancing against your will so why go anyway??

 

You said she 'kinda lied' about when she goes dancing. What you mean is she didn't tell you - why would she need to? 4 months is early days so when should she have not 'lied'?

You don't like it so got very angry with her..wtf?

 

End it.

She deserves a healthy man with a good attitude towards women in general and with his partner plus a man who has his own interests.

 

You are being controlling and emotionally abusive if you have an issue with her hobbies - she will soon feel smothered if she doesn't already.

 

Emotionally abusive??? Good grief what a ridiculous statement to make about the original poster.

[bu2002]

To the original poster,

 

You and your GF are just not compatible at this time. It appears being in a relationship isn't the same priority for her as it is for you. She has hobbies she's passionate about and has a reason to see her parents every weekend. Nobody's wrong here. Your needs are just different.

 

in the future, I don't think ultimatums are the way to go. If you recognize a difference like this with you and a partner, then talk it out and see if these differences can be reconciled. If not, then it might be best to pursue someone else.

 

Good Luck.

[Whisky1981]

Emotionally abusive??? Good grief what a ridiculous statement to make about the original poster.

 

Thank you.

 

I already tought that there was something wrong with me....