stillafool Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 Thank you for your analysis, it put a lot of things into perspective, and I can forsee this happening which is why I am not going to ask to get back with my ex. My reason for contacting him again, is to somehow be able to resolve what I'm feeling so that I can move forward, because currently I do not know how to deal with what I'm feeling.Perhaps, I myself don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I do know that if I go back to my ex, I'll have to deal with the SAME guilt if not more knowing that I put my current bf through what I had formally put my ex through. So that is not the solution for me to feel any better about myself, or the mistakes I made. Nothing was worth it. I am extremely disappointed in myself and the choices I made thus far. I just wish I could fix everything to ensure no one is still hurting as a result of my actions, and no one will be hurt in the future. What are you talking about? Are you contemplating going back with your ex? Please don't try that as it wouldn't be fair to your ex. Aren't you engaged to be married to another man? How could you be thinking about going back to your ex then? Know this. Your Ex cannot relieve you of your guilt. There is nothing he can say to heal whatever is going on inside you. You can ONLY work this out with a professional therapist. Please don't involve anyone else as you will just ending up causing people more hurt. TBH, I doubt if your ex wants you back at this point anyway. Please seek professional help before you embark on any new relationships. Let your fiancee go because you know you do not love him. Be alone until you heal yourself.
Hopeful714 Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Too bad too sad. You treated your ex bf like shi* and dumped him for someone else. As he hurt (badly I'm assuming) you were off having a grand ole time with your new guy. He had to deal with it....Alone! NOW your feeling guilty and looking for for your ex to absolve you of guilt so you can go get married and live happily ever after? What is wrong with you? Shame on you! Now it's your turn to deal. Alone! And leave your ex alone. What nerve...geese.
Mrin Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 (edited) I didn't believe my ex every time he told me I was always being selfish, and my current bf complains of the same thing. But for some reason, I can never comprehend how my behavior is self-absorbed. I think I have this victim mentality that distorts my perception of reality, but it seems to make sense now that I've read your post. Perhaps, all of this is just about me being able to relieve my guilt and feel better about my actions. I keep telling myself otherwise, but you guys know better, which is why I came here seeking for advice. Thank you for all the help. Is there any way in how I can deal with being so selfish? As weird as that sounds... Hey OP. Sorry I didn't see your reply until just now. I'm glad that you took my words at kindly as possible. Also - thank you for being receptive to coaching. Okay try some of these ideas on and see if they resonate for ya: 1. Selfish vs. Self Absorbed: They're not the same and I think that's where you're stumbling. Selfishness often comes from being self absorbed but not always. Self absorption means simply that you view life and everyone in your life through your own eyes. How they affect you. What they did or didn't do for you. How they make you feel. How what you did makes you feel. Go back and re-read your original post. What you'll find is that at every turn, even when you're worried about how your ex feels about your betrayal, is all viewed through your lens. Your guilt. Your happiness or lack thereof. It all pertains to you and your interests. 2. Why are you so self absorbed? Why is the world so self absorbed? It is easy. It is human nature. But I think a different thing is at play here. You're self absorbed because your emotions are on overdrive and you are, by nature, a judgmental person. There is nothing wrong with that by the way. You're probably most judgmental on yourself. It is just a personality trait. So this is what I think is going on. You are self absorbed and not able to see things through other people's eyes except how they pertain to you because your emotions are in the way. Here, do this little exercise. I want you to focus on something across the room. Now place you hand right in front of your face, palm facing towards you. Literally one inch away from your eyes. Can you see the thing across the room? No, because your hand is in front of your face. Those are your emotions. Or really, Your Story (see below). You can't see around them because they're right there, blocking you. It is like trying to hear what someone says when you have a speaker blaring directly into your ears. You can't hear "around" the noise. 3. Distance: What you need to be able to do is find a way to distance yourself a bit - so you can see around your hand/hear around the noise. There are lots of techniques for this and whole classes and seminars around this very subject. I'm no expert in this but here is an exercise that might help: 4. Two Circles: Okay, I want you to draw or imagine two circles. The one of the left we'll label What Happened. The one on the right we'll label My Story. What Happened is for facts and facts only. My Story is all the meaning you put behind the facts. All the emotion. All the drama. Okay, now take your original post and I want you to chop it up and put all the pieces into one of the two circles. I'll do the easy one for you: What Happened 1. You cheated on your boyfriend (now ex) 2. You contacted him Everything else is just your story. It isn't that your story is bad or good or right or wrong. It is just what it is - the meaning you choose to give it. All this guilt. All this drama. All this undecidedness with your fiancee is just story. You need to realize this is what we do as humans. We make up stories about everything. It is how the world has meaning. And that's okay. But want to know the really cool thing about the My Story circle? That's 100% in your control. Just because it is there doesn't mean it has to stay there. You can change it if you want. Want to know the part of your story that so desperately needs to be changed? The hand in front of your face? Here is it: you are a bad person for cheating on your ex and now you are unworthy of receiving love. Try that on. Does it fit? Isn't that the story you made up? Isn't that deep down what you feel? If it is, then no wonder you're so self absorbed. You think you are an awful person and desperately want to prove that you're not. But in the court of You you are the judge, jury, prosecutor and defense attorney all wrapped up into one. And this self loathing bit is one hell of a racket to run against yourself. You so desperately want to acquit yourself and be found not guilty. And so you do amazingly selfish things like resume contact with your ex to amass evidence of your innocence. Proof that you're not a bad person. That, OP, is the hand in front of your face. 5. What To Do? Ah, that's the question. Well, you can start by making up a different story. I don't know which one is right for you but i'll make a suggestion. Perhaps a better story would be: you made a mistake, and hurt someone who loved you. But he's okay now and you've learned from your mistake and won't make it again. See how there isn't that vehement condemnation of you as a bad person? Try it on. Let is really sink in. Can you get there? Can you set aside your self judging and condemnation for a second and get there? Did that hand grow a little smaller? Can you see around it a little more? Can you now see that the best thing for your ex is not have contact with you? Not for you but for him? How does your relationship look with your fiancee now? A little different? Can you see now what might be good for him? Not for you or your interests. But for him? I don't know if this helps but since you were open to it I thought I would try coaching you through this a bit. Think about some more stories in your life and ask yourself whether they serve you. If they don't, let them go and replace them with stories that do. This isn't easy or a quick fix but it is all about getting some perspective and some distance so you can start seeing things through other people's eyes and hearts. Hope this helps! Best of luck! Mrin Edited April 28, 2015 by Mrin 1
SLee Posted April 28, 2015 Posted April 28, 2015 Zara33, there's a lot here in what you write and what you post. Here goes my reply. 1. There's a lot in what you write that I can relate to, which is why I'm going to give you advice based on what I've been through recently. So here we go. You've acknowledged your behavior was/is wrong. That's good. But you need to fix it, because if you carry on like this you're going to hurt a lot of people and yourself. You seem like a good, nice enough person who doesn't want to do that. Which is also good. I'm guessing that since your ex was your first relationship, that you're fairly young. Self-absorption in young people is NOT uncommon, myself included at some points in my own 3.5 year long relationship with my ex that I'm not proud of. The good part about being young is that you can still fix it, and you're taking those steps by reaching out. Good for you. The first thing you need to do is to take time for yourself. Sort out all your mental health issues (I have them too, so I get it, it's really hard) but it's necessary. If you have access to mental health care, USE IT. Figure out what you firmly want in life and a partner. Going partner to partner is not going to fill a void. The grass is NEVER going to be greener on either side. I see this sort of thing happen all too often in my crowd (young people/college students). They meet someone who's great, fall in love, one person gets freaked out due to being young/immature/etc. (comes with the territory, unfortunately), thinks the world has more out there to offer them, and leaves. Sometimes they regret it and feel how you do, other times they hop partner to partner trying to fill a void they can't fill because the void can only be filled by them. It takes time and experience, but the key is to LEARN. Sort our how you feel about both these guys. I can say, DON'T marry him if you're not 100% ready to commit yourself emotionally to it. If you do want to marry him, DON'T drag your ex along. You're throwing him breadcrumbs out of guilt and hurting him more. Don't do that. He sounds like he needs time to heal and get over the hurt too. So let him. Whatever you do, it's not going to be pretty. Someone is going to get hurt. Take the advice you see here and work your feelings out, but don't wait to long. A choice has to be made, and you have to make it. Just don't drag this out longer than it has to. And no matter what happens, you'll be wiser and not make these mistakes again.
Recommended Posts