Contacted my ex after a year of being miserable.

[Zara33]

I was in a relationship with my ex for 3 years, and this was also my first relationship. I was really immature, and made stupid decisions. I never entirely felt I was in love because I had so many issues of my own - anxiety, depression, self-esteem issues etc. At that time, I never felt my boyfriend was the one – and since it was my first relationship, I thought the outside world had much more to offer. Nonetheless, at our 3 year mark, I became interested in someone else who seemed like the ideal man, my ‘soulmate’ – and so I immediately broke things off with my ex (whom I didn’t really see myself with anyway) and jumped into the relationship with the new guy (my current bf).

 

 

I promised to stay friends with my ex, and he tried really hard to maintain the friendship, but I was too consumed with my current bf to realize what I was doing to my ex. My ex tried to maintain the friendship for about 10 months, until I had stopped responding to his calls/texts, and had basically cut ties with him. He sent me one last ‘bye’ message – to which I didn’t respond to either. 3 months later, of being in no contact with my ex, it finally hit me and I realized how badly I treated my ex. I messaged him immediately apologizing, and he responded about a week later, saying he didn’t get the point of this message but he forgives me and doesn’t want to be contacted further unless I want to get back with him because it’s too ‘painful’ for him. So I respected that, and didn’t message him again, and my current bf was already in the picture – and I still didn’t see my ex as the one.

 

I never messaged my ex again, and we had both deleted each other off social media. On my birthday I anticipated a message from him (don’t know why), but he never messaged. His friend, however, did message and said something like ‘you would have enjoyed your birthday with your ex more than your current bf’ – I ignored that. Nevertheless, things with my current bf were up and down. He’s still an ideal boyfriend, treats me great, and loves me more than anyone else ever has. But I’m unable to reciprocate that love because I can’t seem to get over the guilt of what I did to my ex. It has haunted me since the day it hit me (almost a year now) and thoughts of him always linger. I finally came to realize that I was in fact happy in the relationship with my ex – I just didn’t know it. And now constantly find myself comparing my ex to my current bf.

 

Anyway, about a month ago a mutual friend of my ex and I would often post things on facbook, and I would comment. Every time I would comment, my ex would make sure he commented under my comment. His comments were always poetic or about something only me and he would have known and I found that odd. I spoke to my friend and she noticed that too. He did this again yesterday, and I finally gave in a messaged him. I just said hey, and he responded immediately asking me how I was doing and being completely normal - we’ve been making small talk since. But I finally feel at peace? After a year of being haunted by my own self, it feels so good to be talking to my ex again, knowing he’s okay, knowing he’s just there. I don’t even know what I want at this point from him, all I know is that it feels good. But I’ve also opened a can of worms because I am now engaged to my current bf who is madly in love with me… I don’t know what to do right now. I know if my current bf finds out that I’m talking to my ex – he’ll end things with me, and it’s because of this fear I never reached out to my ex earlier, but I couldn’t stop it this time.

 

I don’t know where to go from here, or what to do. Any insight would be appreciated, thank you.

[Ruby65]

Yeah, most dumpers enjoy the comfort of knowing the person they've dumped is still right there on the backburner, pining for them. I'm sure it's flattering to you that he responds so quickly.

 

But really -- you dumped him for someone else. That's not so cool.

 

You DON'T GET to keep him around as your perpetual Plan B!

 

Let him go. Cut contact and block him on Facebook. If you're not feeling so into your new boyfriend at the moment, too bad for you. There's plenty more fish in the sea! Keep moving forward -- but don't go back to someone who really cared and is probably still really hurting from your breakup.

 

[stillafool]

What do you mean you don't know what to do? Didn't you originally just want to apologize to your ex for the horrible way you treated him? You've done that now so you can move on and leave him alone. You are engaged to be married so I would suggest you concentrate on your fiance or break up with him. If you are experiencing further guilt about your ex why don't you seek therapy? It's funny how you go on about how madly in love your bf is with you but you never mention your love for him. Are you in love with him? I don't think you are ready to marry anybody at this point.

[KBarletta]

Just going by what you shared, it sounds like he still has feelings for you but you don't have feelings for him. Also, you are putting your current relationship at risk, for what exactly? To relieve your guilt, just by finding out that your ex is OK? That seems a little selfish to me, TBH. I think it was a mistake to re-establish contact with him unless you were interested in reconciling. He probably thinks in the back of his mind there's a chance of that happening. That is not the case, no? If you really care about him, and your current relationship, I'd cut ties with the ex, tell him you're glad he's doing OK but you don't want him or your current boyfriend to get the wrong idea, and move on.

[ZiggyZoo]

Your ex requested that you not contact him unless you were willing to pursue a relationship with him again, that it was too painful being just friends? If you're engaged to another man, you are in no way available to make good on that agreement, and are being very selfish in contacting your ex at all. Seriously, it is one of the worst things you can do to this guy. You're making yourself feel better at the expense of possibly breaking his heart all over again. That's not cool. You're making him a Plan B for when you decide to dump Replacement Guy.

 

You need to end the relationship with your fiance first, before you go any further. If you have feelings for someone else, and are contacting this other person, it's only a matter of time before you end it anyway. It's your pattern. Do the right thing and just cut him loose so he can get on with getting over the loss of your relationship and dealing with his broken heart.

 

Personally, I think it would be ideal for you to not be with ANYbody for at least six months. No talking, flirting, messaging with either guy. You need to be by yourself and single for a while, to figure out what you really want. Its easy for relationships to look good when you're looking back at them while in the middle of one that you're not happy in. But the true test is how they look when compared to not being in any.

 

Good luck, but please at least let go of the fiance who is in love with you. It isn't fair to him at all.

[Holmes85]

Zara33,

 

I have seen how this story plays out many time, so I am going to tell you what is happening and is what is going to happen in the upcoming months to a year from now on.

 

You were basically on the 9th cloud when you left your Ex Boyriend and thought you upgraded to "the one". Your honeymoon went on with the guy for exactly 3 months. After a while when things started to calm down, you reflected upon what you did to your Ex and came to the conclusion that it was very wrong for you to do.

 

So in order to get rid of the guilt you contacted your Ex, hoping that he would tell you everything is fine & dandy, no need for feel the guilt and you would eventually get rid of the guilt, but that didn't happen. Since the guilt is coming from inside YOU because YOU did something wrong to him.

 

Couple of months pass by and now the time has come where you start comparing your current BF to your EX and as more and more you reflect you come to the conclusion that your relationship wasn't all that bad with him after all.

 

Now you are testing the waters to see if he's still into you and long for you, if you get a clear indication that he does, you would go back to your BF for some while till you feel another guilt coming up, the more you haven't heard from your Ex the more your curiosity will grow, the more your curiosity will grow, the more you will think about him, couple of months down the read when you see your current BF for what he really is, you would go back to your Ex BF asking for one more chance, if he declines the offer, you are going to feel the same hurt he felt about a year ago, where as he might have made some strides dealing with the fact of breaking up, you on the other hand would be on ground zero, coming to terms one year later with the fog lifted making you see things clearly.

 

By the time that happens, the guilt you are feeling now would be nothing compared what you are going to feel in a couple of months or year down the road.

 

I have just one question, everything that you have done up to this point, was it really worth it? Based on your post above, I can safely say the answer is "No".

[ravfour4]

This is refreshing to read, I hope my ex feels this same way one day if nothing else to validate that she wasn't an evil bitch the entire 4 years of our relationship and still has a heart and brain.

 

If and when that apology comes, I will read it, smile and then laugh at how much better my life is because we broke up.

[ravfour4]

Also, I agree that you shouldn't get married. It doesn't even sound like you care about this new guy and you're probably about to do the same thing you did to your ex to him, possible going back to your ex.

[Mrin]

OP: I want you to take this as nicely as you can but you need to realize something very important: You are completely and utterly self absorbed and until you deal with that, you're incapable of having a successful long term relationship with any man.

 

You can look no further than your concern about your ex. It isn't that you were worried about him as a person and that's what made you miserable for the last year. You were racked with guilt and the only reason you feel better after hearing from him is that you feel less guilty for how you treated him. Like you've received a pardon for your crimes. While that isn't entirely a bad thing to feel that way - you need to realize it is completely self-absorbed.

 

Take you relationships with your fiancee. You're completely self-absorbed in that as well. You have a guy who you admit is head over heels in love with you and willing to marry your self-absorbed butt, but you're willing to reopen dialog with your ex because it makes you feel better. You're willing to let your fiancee continue on with this marriage progress despite not sounding 100% into him.

 

I know it is really easy to just point out the wrong in what you're doing. So let me give you some guideposts on what a non-self absorbed person would do:

 

1. She would realize that communicating with her ex, who has categorically stated he doesn't want any contact unless you're getting back together because he can't handle the pain, is entirely unfair and hurtful to another human being who cares about her. She would not continue any connection with him unless she was willing, with 100% certainty, to go back to him. And even then, should wouldn't do that until she had ended things with her fiancee.

 

2. She would realize that her fiancee cares about her a whole lot more than she cares about him. That she wasn't done with her ex. And she would tell him that, call off the engagement and perhaps end the relationship until she could get her act together. Because not to would be unfair and hurtful to someone who cares about her.

 

Stop thinking that the men in your life are collateral damage. They're living, breathing, feeling human beings who seem to care for you a great deal more than you care for them.

 

Hope some of this helps.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Mrin

[Zara33]

What do you mean you don't know what to do? Didn't you originally just want to apologize to your ex for the horrible way you treated him? You've done that now so you can move on and leave him alone. You are engaged to be married so I would suggest you concentrate on your fiance or break up with him. If you are experiencing further guilt about your ex why don't you seek therapy? It's funny how you go on about how madly in love your bf is with you but you never mention your love for him. Are you in love with him? I don't think you are ready to marry anybody at this point.

 

I thought I was in love with my current bf, until I started feeling all these emotions of guilt. I thought I would get over them once I apologized to my ex, and would be able to move on.

But they just won't go away, and they are definitely a barrier in me being able to give my 100% to my current bf.

 

I just feel like there's so many unresolved issues with my ex - and I want to be able to deal with them before I move forward with my current bf, which is why I messaged him.

My intention is not to get back with my ex - even though a part of me wants to - because I don't want to do the same thing to my current bf as I did to my ex.

 

I understand how much harm I've caused already, and I genuinely just want to be able to live without being in chaos mentally - which I guess is coming off as me being selfish?

[Zara33]

Just going by what you shared, it sounds like he still has feelings for you but you don't have feelings for him. Also, you are putting your current relationship at risk, for what exactly? To relieve your guilt, just by finding out that your ex is OK? That seems a little selfish to me, TBH. I think it was a mistake to re-establish contact with him unless you were interested in reconciling. He probably thinks in the back of his mind there's a chance of that happening. That is not the case, no? If you really care about him, and your current relationship, I'd cut ties with the ex, tell him you're glad he's doing OK but you don't want him or your current boyfriend to get the wrong idea, and move on.

 

 

Yes, I understand the consequences of this - which is why I didn't contact my ex for a year.

 

But then how am I supposed to move forward with my current bf, or anyone else for that matter if whatever I'm feeling (guilt, I think) never goes away?

[imbax]

I thought I was in love with my current bf, until I started feeling all these emotions of guilt. I thought I would get over them once I apologized to my ex, and would be able to move on.

But they just won't go away, and they are definitely a barrier in me being able to give my 100% to my current bf.

 

I just feel like there's so many unresolved issues with my ex - and I want to be able to deal with them before I move forward with my current bf, which is why I messaged him.

My intention is not to get back with my ex - even though a part of me wants to - because I don't want to do the same thing to my current bf as I did to my ex.

 

I understand how much harm I've caused already, and I genuinely just want to be able to live without being in chaos mentally - which I guess is coming off as me being selfish?

 

Wow epic love triangle going on here, no hard feelings but you don't come across as a nice person. You are leaving two guys hanging for you. Your poor ex-boyfriend has probably been to depression island and back and you're still toying with his feelings. Your current boyfriend is probably wondering what the heck is going on here? You really need to choose wisely and move on. My suggestion would be to stop leaving your ex-hanging for you just to support your own guilt. It's time to tell him that you can't be friends anymore, only this way can he move on for another girl that will appreciate who he is.

[Zara33]

Zara33,

 

I have seen how this story plays out many time, so I am going to tell you what is happening and is what is going to happen in the upcoming months to a year from now on.

 

You were basically on the 9th cloud when you left your Ex Boyriend and thought you upgraded to "the one". Your honeymoon went on with the guy for exactly 3 months. After a while when things started to calm down, you reflected upon what you did to your Ex and came to the conclusion that it was very wrong for you to do.

 

So in order to get rid of the guilt you contacted your Ex, hoping that he would tell you everything is fine & dandy, no need for feel the guilt and you would eventually get rid of the guilt, but that didn't happen. Since the guilt is coming from inside YOU because YOU did something wrong to him.

 

Couple of months pass by and now the time has come where you start comparing your current BF to your EX and as more and more you reflect you come to the conclusion that your relationship wasn't all that bad with him after all.

 

Now you are testing the waters to see if he's still into you and long for you, if you get a clear indication that he does, you would go back to your BF for some while till you feel another guilt coming up, the more you haven't heard from your Ex the more your curiosity will grow, the more your curiosity will grow, the more you will think about him, couple of months down the read when you see your current BF for what he really is, you would go back to your Ex BF asking for one more chance, if he declines the offer, you are going to feel the same hurt he felt about a year ago, where as he might have made some strides dealing with the fact of breaking up, you on the other hand would be on ground zero, coming to terms one year later with the fog lifted making you see things clearly.

 

By the time that happens, the guilt you are feeling now would be nothing compared what you are going to feel in a couple of months or year down the road.

 

I have just one question, everything that you have done up to this point, was it really worth it? Based on your post above, I can safely say the answer is "No".

 

Thank you for your analysis, it put a lot of things into perspective, and I can forsee this happening which is why I am not going to ask to get back with my ex. My reason for contacting him again, is to somehow be able to resolve what I'm feeling so that I can move forward, because currently I do not know how to deal with what I'm feeling.Perhaps, I myself don't understand why I'm feeling this way.

 

I do know that if I go back to my ex, I'll have to deal with the SAME guilt if not more knowing that I put my current bf through what I had formally put my ex through. So that is not the solution for me to feel any better about myself, or the mistakes I made.

 

 

Nothing was worth it. I am extremely disappointed in myself and the choices I made thus far. I just wish I could fix everything to ensure no one is still hurting as a result of my actions,

and no one will be hurt in the future.

[Zara33]

OP: I want you to take this as nicely as you can but you need to realize something very important: You are completely and utterly self absorbed and until you deal with that, you're incapable of having a successful long term relationship with any man.

 

You can look no further than your concern about your ex. It isn't that you were worried about him as a person and that's what made you miserable for the last year. You were racked with guilt and the only reason you feel better after hearing from him is that you feel less guilty for how you treated him. Like you've received a pardon for your crimes. While that isn't entirely a bad thing to feel that way - you need to realize it is completely self-absorbed.

 

Take you relationships with your fiancee. You're completely self-absorbed in that as well. You have a guy who you admit is head over heels in love with you and willing to marry your self-absorbed butt, but you're willing to reopen dialog with your ex because it makes you feel better. You're willing to let your fiancee continue on with this marriage progress despite not sounding 100% into him.

 

I know it is really easy to just point out the wrong in what you're doing. So let me give you some guideposts on what a non-self absorbed person would do:

 

1. She would realize that communicating with her ex, who has categorically stated he doesn't want any contact unless you're getting back together because he can't handle the pain, is entirely unfair and hurtful to another human being who cares about her. She would not continue any connection with him unless she was willing, with 100% certainty, to go back to him. And even then, should wouldn't do that until she had ended things with her fiancee.

 

2. She would realize that her fiancee cares about her a whole lot more than she cares about him. That she wasn't done with her ex. And she would tell him that, call off the engagement and perhaps end the relationship until she could get her act together. Because not to would be unfair and hurtful to someone who cares about her.

 

Stop thinking that the men in your life are collateral damage. They're living, breathing, feeling human beings who seem to care for you a great deal more than you care for them.

 

Hope some of this helps.

 

I didn't believe my ex every time he told me I was always being selfish, and my current bf complains of the same thing.

But for some reason, I can never comprehend how my behavior is self-absorbed.

 

I think I have this victim mentality that distorts my perception of reality, but it seems to make sense now that I've read your post.

 

 

Perhaps, all of this is just about me being able to relieve my guilt and feel better about my actions. I keep telling myself otherwise, but you guys know better, which is why I came here seeking for advice.

 

Thank you for all the help. Is there any way in how I can deal with being so selfish? As weird as that sounds...

[Ruby65]

But then how am I supposed to move forward with my current bf, or anyone else for that matter if whatever I'm feeling (guilt, I think) never goes away?

 

You dumped him for another guy? You SHOULD feel guilty.

 

Guilty enough to never (a) string along someone you're not really into and (b) reach out to another guy while you're still in a relationship with someone else!

 

And isn't that exactly what you're doing right now, with this "fiance"?

 

For future reference: it's okay to be single between relationships! People do it to heal... to avoid using others as rebounds..... to avoid causing pain to others.... so they can grow as individuals and not be dependent on relationships to be happy! Why not give it a try?

[BC1980]

I agree with Ruby. You should feel guilt. And the fact that you are disrupting your ex's life to relieve your guilt. Well, you should feel guilty for that as well. Why don't you try telling your ex that the reason you are in contact is so he can relieve your guilt, so you can continue your current relationship. I don't think he'd take kindly to that.

[Cinnamonstix]

I think you should apologize to your ex for contacting him and close the door again. Say good bye for real and move on. You need to resolve the feelings of guilt on your own. It sounds like you know in your heart that your new guy is a better match for you, you just haven't worked through the old issues enough and didn't take that time to be single and mourn the loss of your old relationship.

 

Go see a counsellor to work through these feelings. I think a lot of the insight you've gotten here will save you some sessions with a professional and will help you get to the root of the issue faster.

[ravfour4]

Man, I love this post. I'm getting so much more insight into the delusional mind of my ex.

 

Here's what youre saying poster - I broke up with my bf who loved me and didn't give a crap about his feelings because I found "Mr right" who has since proposed to me. While I know my ex was devastated by the breakup, I'd now like to use him to relieve myself of guilt, even if it makes him feel terrible. Also, I don't really care about my new fiance or my ex, but I'm feeling bad so I'm just going to do whatever I want and hurt both of these men who love me so I can feel better instead of working through my feelings on my OWN

[ravfour4]

Also, think about how mad your ex would be to know that you're reaching out to him just to make yourself feel better when he told you not to contact him unless you wanted to get back together. He's probably so excited about it and you're just going to feel more guilty breaking his heart again.

 

Similarly, think about how mad your fiance would be reading that a part of you still wants to be with your ex, that you're constantly comparing them and no longer fully in love.

 

Think about them. Not just you.

[ZiggyZoo]

I didn't believe my ex every time he told me I was always being selfish, and my current bf complains of the same thing.

But for some reason, I can never comprehend how my behavior is self-absorbed.

 

I think I have this victim mentality that distorts my perception of reality, but it seems to make sense now that I've read your post.

 

 

Perhaps, all of this is just about me being able to relieve my guilt and feel better about my actions. I keep telling myself otherwise, but you guys know better, which is why I came here seeking for advice.

 

Thank you for all the help. Is there any way in how I can deal with being so selfish? As weird as that sounds...

 

 

The only way you're going to deal with ANY of this without feeling guilty or selfish is to break it off with your fiance and cut communication with your ex. You're using them both, actually. I'll break it down so you can see what I mean.

 

You're using your ex to reassure yourself that you're not THAT bad, and your feelings of guilt are misplaced. After all, would he still want to be friends with you if you had hurt him as much as you think you did? While this may work for you, it's completely unfair to him. He explicitly told you to not contact him until or if you were ready to get back together. You're lying to him and misleading him to make yourself feel better.

 

You're using your fiance as a back-up guy, and also to help your ego. He's someone else who surely wouldn't be with you if you weren't a good person, right?

 

Are you starting to see where both these guys are coming from, with calling you selfish? I honestly don't see anything in your actions that says otherwise. Your best bet is to just be single for a while and figure out what it is you really want. And who you really want to be with.

[Chi townD]

I didn't believe my ex every time he told me I was always being selfish, and my current bf complains of the same thing.

But for some reason, I can never comprehend how my behavior is self-absorbed.

 

I think I have this victim mentality that distorts my perception of reality, but it seems to make sense now that I've read your post.

 

 

Perhaps, all of this is just about me being able to relieve my guilt and feel better about my actions. I keep telling myself otherwise, but you guys know better, which is why I came here seeking for advice.

 

Thank you for all the help. Is there any way in how I can deal with being so selfish? As weird as that sounds...

 

 

Here's the rub and I'm not going to pull my punches. You are not the victim here. Not by a long shot. There are two victims and that is your Ex and your current boyfriend.

 

 

You cheated on your Ex. You may come back to me and tell me nothing happened while you were with your Ex. But, that would be a lie. You met your current boyfriend while you were with your Ex and you became emotionally invested in this other guy. So much so that you thought it was worth throwing your Ex under the bus and go running off with this other guy. You cheated him out of intimacy with you, affection and a relationship with you. And you cheated him out of a future with you. From a girl that claims that he treated you lovingly and kindly throughout your relationship.

 

 

Now, your current boyfriend is a victim because you still harbor feelings for your Ex and that's not fair to him. You aren't fully invested in your current relationship and that's not fair to him either. And if you think I'm wrong, I'm going to point out something I caught in your posts that you probably don't realize that you did or are doing.

 

 

You wrote that you are now engaged. Yet, NOT ONCE have you referred to him as your fiancé. You always call him your boyfriend. When he was on bended knee and putting a ring on your finger after you promised him to be his wife, he was no longer your boyfriend. He became your future husband i.e. fiancé. But....you still call him your boyfriend.

 

 

So, my advice? Drop them both. You are in no position to be in a relationship let alone a marriage right now. You need to do a lot of self reflecting and these guys deserve to move on with their lives and find out what's going to make them happy.

[BroknHrt]

This is very similar story to what I am currently going through. Except, I am the ex boyfriend in this love triangle.

 

What is the BEST thing to do from the Ex Boyfriends point of view?

[ravfour4]

I'm in the same situation. After reading this woman's post, the best thing for us to do is never talk to them again and let them swim in their pool of guilt for eternity.

[HBK3317]

Well you are being guilty so why not just say sorry to him and focus on your current relationship. You are engaged to someone for the love of God! Don't be naive and don't be this selfish. You can't play with people's feelings that way I am sorry.

 

Tell me when he, your current, proposed to you with the ring and all were you thinking about your ex? Were you guilty then? I guess not.

 

If you are not into your current relationship then please do him a favor and break off before you get married because down the line this is a recipe for divorce.

 

Give yourself some time I am sure you're a good person albeit confused. Take some time off and forget about your ex I am sure he's doing just fine on his own (Boy do I envy him right now!) and focus on your now and your future. You can't fix things you did in the past no matter how horrible. Just make sure you don't repeat them.

[frigginlost]

The simplicity in this complicated situation is really very, very, simple:

 

1) Your Ex boyfriend was direct and open to being with you when he told you to only contact him if you wanted to get back together.

 

2) Your contact with him through your own words have only been in an effort to relieve guilt; you have no interest in getting back with him (confusion is the same answer as "I do not" in this case)

 

3) Your Ex boyfriend is being nice because he see's your contact with him as #1 above. He has no clue within him about #2 above.

 

4) Your current boyfriend is completely clueless to any of it, and the longer you try to bury your internal fight, the more devastation you are going to unleash on him when you finally do snap and walk away.

 

Having said that, out of the scenarios that could have played out, they would have been this:

 

1) You knew/know that your Ex boyfriend is the true love of your life and you would do anything to be with him again and would have told him that.

 

2) You would come to terms with your not being able to go "all in" with your current boyfriend, and cut him loose, returning to your ex.

 

Unfortunately, your feelings are nothing more than a guilt wave fighting each other from both sides. You feel guilty regarding *both* guys.

 

What you need to do, is tell each of them that you are going to go to work on yourself and cut them both loose.

 

Sadly, you are about to crush two people (one of them for the second time) but please take solace in knowing that you are doing it for the right reasons and by doing it now, you are not allowing each of them to live a lie. The pain will be 10 fold if you keep stringing each one of them along...