YawningAcorn Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 I posted my break up story here the other day. In my heart I know the relationship is done, even though I still love her. I'm going through a really hard time trying to come to terms with the fact that its all my fault though... If I hadn't messed up then we would still be together today and life would still be good. I cant stop this enormous sense of self loathing that I feel, knowing that I've ruined our chances at happiness with each other. I have explained the situation and exactly what I did to a friend of mine and she thinks that its not as bad as I make out and I definitely shouldn't be hating myself or blaming myself this much for the break up. On one hand I believe her but the other half of me tells me what I did was a disgusting abuse of trust and I cannot look at myself in the mirror without seeing the horrible thing I did. I want to forgive myself and I want to move on, but part of me tells me I don't deserve to and that I deserve all the bad feelings that I have...
Satu Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Its hard to comment without you telling what you did. Was it really that bad?
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 I haven't told anyone except one friend what exactly happened because I am so ashamed of myself... I know even as I write this that i'm going to be judged by a lot of the people that read it. We both got very drunk one night and went to bed, we were in a playful mood as we went to sleep and we started having sex even though we were both at the point of passing out (we had had a LOT to drink). She actually did fall asleep whilst in the middle of it but woke up later after I had continued on for a while and stopped. She didn't remember much but said she felt violated. Even though it was consensual to begin with I cant help but feel like I took advantage. I know I should have stopped it all from happening as soon as I knew where it was going but I don't know why I didn't at the time. After that night we openly talked about it and moved on together and were happy for 2 months until one day she sent me a text one morning saying she couldn't do the relationship anymore. She told me that what had happened that drunk night was still in her mind and although she had forgiven me for it, she couldn't forget about it and she was having a hard time with the intimacy side of the relationship. Now every day I wake up hating myself for causing all this. I honestly view myself as a rapist and that I deserve all the unhappiness I get...
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 She has told me since the break up that she still wants to be friends and wants to find out of we can try again in future but needs time and space to get over this. I honestly don't think I deserve another chance even though its the only thing I want. I feel like a scumbag and I really hate myself for putting the woman I love through so much hurt.
Miss Sisyphus Posted April 26, 2015 Posted April 26, 2015 I think the fact that you came on here and a) confessed, and, 2) feel so awful about what you did shows that you are not a horrible person. I hope that helps in some way.
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