I don't ask and I don't tell...

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

We've been separated for about 3 months now. This past weekend I had the kids and he went out of town to visit his brother 500 miles away. My daughter needed something from his house, so we made a quick stop there to get it, and his van was in the garage. He wasn't home.

 

The funny thing is I suspected he wasn't going alone, so I thought it was kind of funny that his van was there. It doesn't bother me but I'm dying to know! I'm sure my daughter will say something and I wonder if he'll tell me anything.

 

He doesn't have to hide anything from me. In fact, I'd love to hear that he has someone new...I have someone too but I'm sure he doesn't want to hear anything about it. So I'll just stick to my rule "I won't ask and I won't tell".

 

Maybe he went with his other brother? Okay so I'm curious!!! But really, I'm fine.

[Merin]

My observation.. you're more than a little curious.

 

I could of course be wrong...

 

The 2 of you have only been seperated for a short time.. so is your STBXH ready to have a meet and greet with his new GF and yourself or your new BF and himself... probably not.

 

One last thing... and I'm not saying this to be a jerk... but you've only been seperated from your husband for 3 months... isn't it a little soon yet to be introducing your kids to anyone new in your personal lives at this point for EITHER one of you? While yes your kids do need to be kept informed that Mom and Dad can't live together anymore and are not going to be married... I also advice on being cautious when introducing your kids to someone new so soon... the ink isn't dry on the divorce decree.

[Yikes]

I think that it's natural to be a little curious, but I wouldn't let it get to you. For me in a lot of ways, I'd rather NOT know. My ex has a history of bad choices and I worry less if I am blissfully ignorant. :confused:

 

I agree with Merin about not rushing things. The kidlets need time to adjust and it will surely go a little easier if they know that they don't have to share mom or dad with someone new right now. It is stressfull for them under the best of circumstances.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

There is no ink. Actually here a separation is considered "legal" after 90 days of separation, and divorce can't be filed for until after a year.

 

In any case, it's been easy keeping my BF under wraps cuz he's working out of town until mid-July. I know my ex also wouldn't introduce anyone to them this early.

 

Yes, I am very curious about this weekend - but that is my nature. There is no jealousy issue here.

 

My kids have met my bf, but only as my friend. My daughter who is 8, has jokingly called him my boyfriend, and I did explain to them that I might at some point in the future go out on a date. And they understand that we can get divorced after a year and will be free to re-marry.

 

The one thing I do not want to do is lie to them.

[Merin]

Originally posted by MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

There is no ink. Actually here a separation is considered "legal" after 90 days of separation, and divorce can't be filed for until after a year.

 

In any case, it's been easy keeping my BF under wraps cuz he's working out of town until mid-July. I know my ex also wouldn't introduce anyone to them this early.

 

Yes, I am very curious about this weekend - but that is my nature. There is no jealousy issue here.

 

My kids have met my bf, but only as my friend. My daughter who is 8, has jokingly called him my boyfriend, and I did explain to them that I might at some point in the future go out on a date. And they understand that we can get divorced after a year and will be free to re-marry.

 

The one thing I do not want to do is lie to them.

 

When I said the Ink being dry I meant it more figuratively.. just pointing out that although the 2 of you are seperated legally or even if it was otherwise.. it is still pretty new..

 

I do agree with Yikes that it's normal to an extent to be curious about your EX's new selection in dates/mates...

 

While I think it's all okay for you to have your BF... you're an adult and allowed... I'm saying that it can and sometimes does have negative effects on children when they are introduced into something so early on after a seperation or divorce for many reasons... so yeah, I think it's a good thing for you to ease your daughter into this by introducing him (your BF) as your friend at this time...

 

My EXH introduced out little people to his GF about 3 weeks after I filed for divorce... I had asked him to be careful of who he introduced our kids to because I didn't want them (my Kids) to get attached to someone (his GF) that may or may not be in thier lives very long... this had nothing to do with me caring who he was with (My EXH) and everything to do with wanting to protect my kids... well my EXH took it upon himself to introduce them anyway and to involve them in things with his GF and her Kids.. only to break up with her (his GF) about 2 months later...

 

My daughter came to me and asked why she didn't see his GF anymore or his GF's kids... I said I didn't know what had happend... then she looked at me and said "But Mom, Dad told (his GF) that he loved her.. and he said he loved her kids too... why don't we see them anymore?" Again.. I said I didn't know what had happend.. then my daughter said "Well I guess thats just what Daddies do" I was pissed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

This was my experience... and I won't introduce guys into my kids lives that they could get attached to if I don't have a pretty good idea that person is going to be around....

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, I'm totally with you there Merin.

 

They've had enough to deal with. Although I met my bf after I separated I waited until my divorce was final and I knew that it was serious between my bf and I before I introduced him as a "friend". I'm going to ease them into boyfriend......very carefully.

[ready2moveon26]

I agree with Pixie and Merin on this one as well. My soon to be ex and I have been separated a little over a year. Within the past year, he's had two semi-serious relationships. The first relationship was with a girl that was much younger than him and it was a lot about infatuation. He did what she wanted and got to act immature again-like he wouldn't have anyway...anyway my daughter absolutely loved her! She was the highlight of going to her dad's house. She had someone there that would play with her and color with her and watch her movies with her. After a horrible break up, they are no longer together. My daughter used to ask me the same questions some of you have heard, I just told her I didn't know the answers and if she really wanted to know, she had to ask her dad. She is only 4 and came to be ok with that...until the ex called him one day and asked him for a ride from home to work. He was so surprised she actually had a job that he did it and it just happened to be a weekend when he had my daughter. So, then again she was asking about her. He had to explain the situation to her. This new girl he's been seeing is a better person than the first, but I still feel it is way to early to be exposing my daughter to her. She isn't over the first one yet. I've dated a few people since the separation, but not one guy I've dated has had the privilege of meeting my daughter. She is my life and I will not do anything to hurt her! I wish dad's thought about their little people more like mom's do...

[Yikes]

ready2moveon26:

 

I would say that you are doing it right. It is unfortunate that more consideration isn't given to how upsetting and confusing this can be for the kidlets... BUT it ain't just the dads that make this mistake. There are plenty of moms out there that are just as thoughtless.

 

I refuse to introduce ANYONE to my kids unless I figure that they are someone very special who will be in my life for a while. I do not however hide the fact from them that their dad goes on the occassional date. My kids are a little older (12 and 15), so I would expect that is easier than if they were little ones.

 

Y

[Mz. Pixie]

Yikes is right- there people of both sexes who make mistakes.

 

The only reason my bf met my kids is because things are very serious with us. I would never have taken the chance that they might get fond of him and him not be around long.

 

All of this stuff is so hard.

[reservoirdog1]

I've probably broken a few rules, but my kids have met a couple of women I've dated since my separation.

 

One of them they'd already met before we started dating and saw at the community centre a couple of times a week, so suddenly she was just in their lives more. And when we stopped dating she didn't disappear from their lives -- they still saw her.

 

The second was a single mom with a son the same age as mine. My kids met her but it was always when her son was present, so to their eyes it was more like a "play date". We stopped dating over a year ago and still see them occasionally, so I don't think anything's amiss.

 

The third was, I think, a miscalculation on my part. (Or, maybe ALL of these were.) I'd been dating a woman for about 2 months and introduced her to the kids in a non-threatening kind of way. And then we broke things off about 2 weeks later... because she told me she wasn't ready to deal with the "kids thing", at least once it changed from "this guy has kids" to "this guy has kids and they're real." They only met her once, fortunately.

 

The XW introduced the kids to her new BF very quickly (he was at her place the night I moved out), but fortunately for the kids' development they've since stayed together a year and a half so far.