LoveAlways Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 So I broke up with my ex after 5 years. In the last of those five years, he went overseas for 5 months and I kissed someone else (loneliness/stupidity). I told him as soon as it happened saying of course I didn't expect us to carry on going out after this-but we ended up getting back together when he returned to S.A. Since he got back, the relationship was full of heated arguments and hurt. It was probably my fault but I made it very clear in the beginning that things would only work out if he could forgive me. If he couldnt forgive me, I understood and said we shouldnt stay together. But he said he could and the fights proved otherwise... Now we're broken up and he hasn't made any efforts to change the situation. I think through what I did (kissed someone else while he was overseas and we were meant to b together), I changed in his eyes and now he's just not that into me anymore. Who agrees?
Merin Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 I guess I don't understand... The 2 of you had been together, while he was gone you kissed someone else... You let him know about it but he wanted to try to work things out in spite of things... The 2 of you tried, you let him know that if he couldn't find genuine forgiveness for you that you felt it better to end the relationship... in the end, he agreed. So I guess I don't understand why after all of this and the 2 of you decided to break up that you would still be expecting him to try to change the situation? I understand that 5 years was and is a lot to have invested in someone... but as you said what happend (for him) was a dealbreaker....
Illusion24 Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Can you imagine every time he kisses you he remembers that those lips were on someone else? How would you feel? These are just questions to you to maybe try and help you see his point of view. Men have this thing...feeling less of man, it just doesn't work out. Once you've taken a man's manhood away, which you did by kissing another man, it brought him to shock that the person "he invested" time in betrayed him. Now, your part...How hard is it to need someone by your side when for 5 years you've been in a relationship? You're use to a body next to you and feeling you. Your intimacy was shouting out and you had an innocent kiss...but was it?? Think of the kiss...what did it bring to you, what feelings? You need to realize it was a mistake or maybe it was a sign that you weren't in love anymore or you just got caught up in the moment. You can't expect the relationship to be the same after that. You betrayed the trust he had for you and for the rest of the time you're going to have to prove to him that you f*cked up and that he "can" trust you again. Who wants to live like that? I did for 2 years and it sucked. I never cheated on him but he always seemed to think I did. I got tired of proving myself and left. If trust is missing....so is the love.
Author LoveAlways Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Thank you for your responses Merin - he agreed not to break up, but to try to forgive me if we were to stay together. However, this didn't work 'cos even though he was pretending to go on as normal, he fought with me at the drop of the hat, was verbally abusive and insulting and a little violent at times too and I know this was because he was really just sincerely disappointed and a little pissed off with me from the cheating. This is why I broke up. We fought badly and his behaviour was emotional torture and abuse. Always angry with me - I wonder why!? So when I broke up with him, I told him what he probably already knew but didn't wanna face-you're not over it, you havent forgiven me and we cant be in a relationship like this (abusive, hurtful, tears all the time)...he had nothing to say but that he really hopes we can get back together one day... Neversaynever - I think you hit the nail on the head. I was a little crazy when he left, like you said I missed the attention and felt I needed some contact (a kiss) with a member of the opposite sex- I didn't love the guy or even really like him, it was just a random kiss which ruined something so much bigger. The trust is broken, I took his pride away, I guess I deserve the way things have turned out... I just hoped, despite all, we could still be together one day. I hoped he'd love me above it all. I hate that I am ruined in his eyes forever and just stupid and human in mine. You guys are great.
Merin Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Originally posted by LoveAlways I just hoped, despite all, we could still be together one day. I hoped he'd love me above it all. I hate that I am ruined in his eyes forever and just stupid and human in mine. You guys are great. As long as you know you're NOT ruined and only human who made a costly mistake, you'll be okay... Honestly although he agreed to try to make things work.. and although I'm sure he thought he could find forgiveness sometimes it isn't easy to come by know what I mean? Regardless of what happend... him being emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to you ISN'T OKAY. Walking away to save yourself so to speak IMO was probably the best thing for you.... Hang in there
Israfil Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 I'm sorry for the loss of this relationship. But from reading your other posts, it seems like this is really what you needed, considering your restlessness and your questioning of the seriousness of this relationship at your age. I was with an ex. from when I was practically a child until well into adulthood. Because of this attachment, I became and adult who was very much shaped and formed by his personality and our relationship. It was only when our relationship ended did I begin to become my own independent person, far too late in my life. Learn from my mistake. This is the time for your to find yourself, as a unique voice separate from any other person.
Author LoveAlways Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Thank you Israfil, your words are really encouraging. I think everyone in long term relationships stemming from childhood teenage years should hear this advice because they really forget to become their own person during that time. To me, a relationship is such a comfort zone. Whenever I began to worry about friends, career plans, studies etc I so often said to myself, "don't worry about everything else, all you need is love..." It paralysed me into this blissful zone of ignorance - a false reality which cannot possibly last forever, unless you stay with one person your whole life and never get to know who you really are.
Author LoveAlways Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Sounds like you've had a lot of experience in the field of love relationships, cos you always know what you're talking about... Funny how even with all your knowledge of men, love and relationships, some things you simply cannot control, for instance your beautiful-to-begin-with trip to mexico which went all crazy when your man started with a false accusation. I bet YOU knew how YOU could fix the problem, but his reactions were just too stubborn and inflexible to faciliate your attempt at a reconciliation process. I'm sure YOU knew how to save the situation or make things better, at least, but he wasnt helping you do that was he? ... Or perhaps I'm speaking for myself here 'cos your role in the Mexico story sounds exactly like me in my trips with my ex-boyfriend- when problems arose, there i was always trying with all my energy, rationale and sense to sort things out and getting a slap in the face with his silly unreasonable reactions! I hate holidays that go bad. I'd say he's carrying some excess baggage. You deserve only the best.
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