MM in the hospital

[gettingstronger]

Maybe he's waiting you out, thinking you'll calm down and change your mind. Stay strong. Do this for you!

[beach]

He's thinking that if he waits long enough you won't be mad at him - and that by waiting you will step back into that role he needs you to play for him.

 

It works on many people. Avoid the conflict and then that person isn't mad... But really issues are never resolved.

 

Maybe you don't need to tell him anything? Maybe just state the obvious - "do not contact never again". That would send a clear message.

 

That would allow you the space to find an available man to date.

 

Until you end it with finality - he's still holding that spot = unless you change that.

[Grapesofwrath]

He's thinking that if he waits long enough you won't be mad at him - and that by waiting you will step back into that role he needs you to play for him.

 

It works on many people. Avoid the conflict and then that person isn't mad... But really issues are never resolved.

 

Maybe you don't need to tell him anything? Maybe just state the obvious - "do not contact never again". That would send a clear message.

 

That would allow you the space to find an available man to date.

 

Until you end it with finality - he's still holding that spot = unless you change that.

 

Beach: I've considered that. I know that would send a clear message, but part of me thinks that's letting him off too easy. I want to be heard. Even if it makes no difference on the outcome, I want to have my chance to say what I want to say. I'm so sick of him controlling the conversation, gagging me when it works for him. He has controlled the communication for this entire 6 months, and I want my chance to control the communication.

 

To your point, he said, "stay away for a while." As if "a while" will solve the problem and I'll calm down. the last thing he wrote last night was "sorry I can't talk. Ok - so we will talk after the weekend? I hope this is not turning you upside down." WTF does "upside down" even mean? This is a grown man, 51 years old, and he cannot use words like "angry," "upset," or "resentful." Instead things are "crunchy, upside down, or rough."

 

Alright...obviously I'm angry. With reason. And I'm meeting a tall, dark and handsome man for a drink after work. Then going to SoCal for the weekend, where I will have a lot of fun and clear my head.

[beach]

Since he is the type that controls your conversations - I'm certain anything you may wish to say will remain "unheard" by him.

 

Say it all here - we will hear you. Get it all out and be done with it.

 

 

Then allow YOURSELF to fully understand that you are over it! Over his manipulations! Over him dismissing you! Over telling you not to contact him!

 

Then block him...

 

 

And go on and date that gorgeous tall handsome man!

[whichwayisup]

Is it one sided? Meaning, you just want him to hear you and that's it, get it all out, or do you want his input afterwards, his thoughts on what you've said? Might be better for you to just blast him, let him have it in a big email and then cut him off, block him right afterwards. This way you got to say all that you needed to say and not worry about his 'reaction' or him trying to downplay what you said or spin it to make it seem like you're the problem not him.

 

Go and have a fun weekend! Shelve the above and deal with it when you're back.

[whichwayisup]

he said, "stay away for a while." As if "a while" will solve the problem and I'll calm down. the last thing he wrote last night was "sorry I can't talk. Ok - so we will talk after the weekend? I hope this is not turning you upside down." WTF does "upside down" even mean?

 

He means messing you up, ruining your emotional state, going to ruin your weekend, etc..etc.. He probably thinks you're crying your eyes out and can't function without him. He thinks he has full control over you.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks, Beach and WWIU. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the listening ear.

 

I have not cried a single tear over this man, by the way. Have I screamed in frustration (when I'm alone)? Yes. Have I had conversations with myself? Yes. Have I fantasized about putting laxatives in his lunch? Yes. Have I cried? Not a single tear. The only one in this A who has cried is him, when I tried to end it a couple weeks ago. At the time, his tears softened my stance and I backed down. I won't make that mistake again.

 

I even thought, for a minute, that maybe he wasn't reaching out to me very much because he was feeling guilty for having an A. I thought maybe he saw how well his wife was looking after him and he realized how lousy it was of him to betray her like this. But as soon as he had the opportunity to do so without risk, he was all up in my business again. So much for that idea.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, Beach and WWIU. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the listening ear.

 

I have not cried a single tear over this man, by the way. Have I screamed in frustration (when I'm alone)? Yes. Have I had conversations with myself? Yes. Have I fantasized about putting laxatives in his lunch? Yes. Have I cried? Not a single tear. The only one in this A who has cried is him, when I tried to end it a couple weeks ago. At the time, his tears softened my stance and I backed down. I won't make that mistake again.

 

I even thought, for a minute, that maybe he wasn't reaching out to me very much because he was feeling guilty for having an A. I thought maybe he saw how well his wife was looking after him and he realized how lousy it was of him to betray her like this. But as soon as he had the opportunity to do so without risk, he was all up in my business again. So much for that idea.

 

You're very welcome! And :lmao: with the fantasies!

 

Anger is a good place to be in and it keeps you in reality and moving forward.

 

He's not worthy of any of your tears! Well, maybe tears of laughter if gets a bad bout of the sh.ts all of a sudden!

[RoseVille]

I am not cut out to be an OW, truly. I think it worked for a short period of time (a few months) but now the reality is setting in. It provided a nice diversion from the loneliness I feel when my kids are with their dad. It was flattering to be pursued like that. And it allowed me to experience some deeply intimate moments, without having to follow through and open my life to another.

 

Woah. I can relate to this so much. So so much.

[Grapesofwrath]

Update: I had a wonderful weekend and it was so helpful to get away. get away from the triggers. My house is full of them, so being out of town was great. The space and perspective have been just what the doctor ordered. I return home today, and it will get challenging again, especially when I catch site of xMM at work, which will eventually occur. I can successfully avoid him, though, and will do my best.

 

Of course, I didn't hear from him all weekend because I never do, which is one of "the rules." I am sick of the rules. I expect to hear from him sometime today and need to decide what to do. Last week I really wanted to tee off on him. Fire away with both barrels. Now, I just want to ignore him. Not because I've softened, as he probably hoped, but rather because I've hardened. I'm done. I'm not sure where I would start with how to tell him what I think of him now, so I have the urge not to bother. will the anger fester if I don't let it out? Is that letting him off too easy?

[RoseVille]

Update: I had a wonderful weekend and it was so helpful to get away. get away from the triggers. My house is full of them, so being out of town was great. The space and perspective have been just what the doctor ordered. I return home today, and it will get challenging again, especially when I catch site of xMM at work, which will eventually occur. I can successfully avoid him, though, and will do my best.

 

Of course, I didn't hear from him all weekend because I never do, which is one of "the rules." I am sick of the rules. I expect to hear from him sometime today and need to decide what to do. Last week I really wanted to tee off on him. Fire away with both barrels. Now, I just want to ignore him. Not because I've softened, as he probably hoped, but rather because I've hardened. I'm done. I'm not sure where I would start with how to tell him what I think of him now, so I have the urge not to bother. will the anger fester if I don't let it out? Is that letting him off too easy?

 

If he's someone who enjoys knowing he has influence or control or power over someone, silence will KILL him. Going off on him will, well, get him off.

 

If I felt your resolve and had a way to ignore him, I would.

[Grapesofwrath]

Thanks, Rose. I'm trying to teach myself to think about what's best for me, and not what he will or won't think/feel based on what I do. (I've gotten that feedback on LS and in my life before, so...trying to learn something.) So what's better for me? Let it all out, then shut the door? Ignore him and go NC without warning? I want to feel proud of myself and dignified. (Something often lacking as the OW) Which direction helps me get there?

[RoseVille]

Thanks, Rose. I'm trying to teach myself to think about what's best for me, and not what he will or won't think/feel based on what I do. (I've gotten that feedback on LS and in my life before, so...trying to learn something.) So what's better for me? Let it all out, then shut the door? Ignore him and go NC without warning? I want to feel proud of myself and dignified. (Something often lacking as the OW) Which direction helps me get there?

 

I don't know.

 

I struggle because I think what's good for me is getting him to react the "right" way, and how do I get him to do that, when I'm not even sure how I want him to react? Not a healthy way to think, I know.

 

What do you want for yourself? How do you want to feel?

 

Reverse-engineer from there.

[Grapesofwrath]

I don't know.

 

I struggle because I think what's good for me is getting him to react the "right" way, and how do I get him to do that, when I'm not even sure how I want him to react? Not a healthy way to think, I know.

 

What do you want for yourself? How do you want to feel?

 

Reverse-engineer from there.

 

Surprisingly tough question to answer. I want my integrity back. I want to feel proud of my actions. I want to end the secrecy. I am tired of having to lie to my friends and family about my love life. I am tired of colluding with him on lying.

 

On our second date, he took a call from his wife. As I was walking toward him, he shooshed me with his finger over his mouth.i hated that. I still hate it.i don't want to be shooshed anymore.

 

when I talked about ending it a couple weeks ago, he broke down. sobbing. Clutching me. I backed off. I don't want a repeat of that scene, that for sure. Maybe he was manipulating me, but I don't think he's that good of an actor.

 

Back to your situation...your MM is at least saying that he's unhappy in his marriage. Whether his depiction is accurate, it's impossible to say. But at least it makes some sense. What you can't do, though, is micromanage his reactions. I think you have to just speak your truth and then see what happens.

[RoseVille]

Surprisingly tough question to answer. I want my integrity back. I want to feel proud of my actions. I want to end the secrecy. I am tired of having to lie to my friends and family about my love life. I am tired of colluding with him on lying.

 

I want to feel the same way. I don't find it difficult to say that, to feel that. What I find difficult is figuring out how to get there, even with it ended.

 

Maybe I'm upset that he's the one who ended it. I don't get to "take back" my integrity and self-worth. I have to just pick up the pieces. It's harder that way.

 

when I talked about ending it a couple weeks ago, he broke down. sobbing. Clutching me. I backed off. I don't want a repeat of that scene, that for sure. Maybe he was manipulating me, but I don't think he's that good of an actor.

 

I once tried, and his response was, "I'm bummed you feel that way, but I understand." He could care less!! So I basically took it back... Argh.

 

Back to your situation...your MM is at least saying that he's unhappy in his marriage. Whether his depiction is accurate, it's impossible to say. But at least it makes some sense. What you can't do, though, is micromanage his reactions. I think you have to just speak your truth and then see what happens.

 

Yeah, one thing I've done from the beginning is speak my truth. Maybe that's part of why he bailed.

[Grapesofwrath]

I want to feel the same way. I don't find it difficult to say that, to feel that. What I find difficult is figuring out how to get there, even with it ended.

 

Maybe I'm upset that he's the one who ended it. I don't get to "take back" my integrity and self-worth. I have to just pick up the pieces. It's harder that way.

 

That is a lousy situation to be in and I want to avoid it. If he ends it first, you have many fewer options and it's harder to own your power. Even so, you can still maintain dignity by showing self-control and not letting yourself get drawn back in. Don't show him your vulnerability again.

 

The xMM texted me today, as expected, asking if I'd like to talk or get together and offering me times to do so. Instead, I called him from the airport. I figured that way the conversation would be short, and it would be easy for me to end it quickly. I was calm, logical, and clear throughout. That felt great. I spoke my truth to him and let him know why the relationship is over. I didn't get into any personal attacks. I just told him that this relationship is not enough for me. That I want and deserve more from a man, and that I am no longer willing to fit into the tiny, confined space that he has for me. He responded by saying probably the nicest thing he has ever said to me: "Grapes, you are too smart to be in this kind or relationship." To which I replied, "Yes, I am. It just took me a few months to realize that."

 

After hanging up, I boarded the plane and sat next to a super cute Irish professional golfer and we had a fun, flirtatious conversation the whole way home.

[RoseVille]

That's awesome, Grapes!!!

[Grapesofwrath]

That's awesome, Grapes!!!

 

You're too smart, too, Rose. Waaay too smart.

[RoseVille]

You're too smart, too, Rose. Waaay too smart.

 

 

I know.

 

It's funny to read so many posts in this forum telling OW that we don't love ourselves enough, our self-esteem "is in the pits," that we're pathetic, that we'll settle, blah blah. I read a post of yours in one of your threads where you essentially say you chose this man because, after your past hurts, you knew you'd never have to get too close to him, open up fully, be fully vulnerable to him, all while getting the creature comforts of passion and "boyfriend-y" type activities. Yup. That's me.

 

I relate to that, so much. It's self-protection. I'd call that itself smart, and (albeit twisted) a form of trying to demonstrate self-love. Can't get too close, can't hurt me too badly.

 

But we're also too smart to stay there, and I know I love myself too much to let this continue on. Doesn't mean it's not hard...

[Grapesofwrath]

 

I know.

 

It's funny to read so many posts in this forum telling OW that we don't love ourselves enough, our self-esteem "is in the pits," that we're pathetic, that we'll settle, blah blah. I read a post of yours in one of your threads where you essentially say you chose this man because, after your past hurts, you knew you'd never have to get too close to him, open up fully, be fully vulnerable to him, all while getting the creature comforts of passion and "boyfriend-y" type activities. Yup. That's me.

 

I relate to that, so much. It's self-protection. I'd call that itself smart, and (albeit twisted) a form of trying to demonstrate self-love. Can't get too close, can't hurt me too badly.

 

But we're also too smart to stay there, and I know I love myself too much to let this continue on. Doesn't mean it's not hard...

 

Definitely doesn't mean it's not hard. I think you go through this experience and you realize that the self-protection it affords is outweighed by the loneliness, isolation, and pain it causes. In that way, it's helped me realize that I am more ready for intimacy than I thought I was, and I'm ready to make a different choice.

 

I also read something about the time frames on these. For the first few months, you're in this almost delusional state, believing what they say. Feeling like it's all so incredibly special. But once 3-6 months have gone by, you start to realize that this MM is comfortable with the deception. (more true in my case than in yours.) He is not struggling at all with the integrity issue or any issue. Happy as a clam, that one. The realization that he is happy with this set up makes me lose respect for him. And that helps when it's time to walk away.

[gettingstronger]

Awesome story! I am glad you got to say your say- I hope that will help you move forward quicker-good for you-Irish golfers sounds awesome as well-

 

Keep on keeping on..... fore... playing through.....

[goodgirlgonebad15]

That is a lousy situation to be in and I want to avoid it. If he ends it first, you have many fewer options and it's harder to own your power. Even so, you can still maintain dignity by showing self-control and not letting yourself get drawn back in. Don't show him your vulnerability again.

 

The xMM texted me today, as expected, asking if I'd like to talk or get together and offering me times to do so. Instead, I called him from the airport. I figured that way the conversation would be short, and it would be easy for me to end it quickly. I was calm, logical, and clear throughout. That felt great. I spoke my truth to him and let him know why the relationship is over. I didn't get into any personal attacks. I just told him that this relationship is not enough for me. That I want and deserve more from a man, and that I am no longer willing to fit into the tiny, confined space that he has for me. He responded by saying probably the nicest thing he has ever said to me: "Grapes, you are too smart to be in this kind or relationship." To which I replied, "Yes, I am. It just took me a few months to realize that."

 

After hanging up, I boarded the plane and sat next to a super cute Irish professional golfer and we had a fun, flirtatious conversation the whole way home.

 

I love everything about this update you posted. I wish I could take my power back the way you did. You stood up to him and I think you earned respect for that. I wish I could do that.

[Grapesofwrath]

Awesome story! I am glad you got to say your say- I hope that will help you move forward quicker-good for you-Irish golfers sounds awesome as well-

 

Keep on keeping on..... fore... playing through.....

 

He was on his way to Ireland to visit family, and he doesn't live in my city anyway, so we just said our farewell at the end of the flight and that was that. The fun part was just being reminded that there are a lot of men in the world, many of them available, and that I can get the relationship i want with the right person. And once I have it, I will treasure it.

[cocorico]

That is a lousy situation to be in and I want to avoid it. If he ends it first, you have many fewer options and it's harder to own your power. Even so, you can still maintain dignity by showing self-control and not letting yourself get drawn back in. Don't show him your vulnerability again.

 

The xMM texted me today, as expected, asking if I'd like to talk or get together and offering me times to do so. Instead, I called him from the airport. I figured that way the conversation would be short, and it would be easy for me to end it quickly. I was calm, logical, and clear throughout. That felt great. I spoke my truth to him and let him know why the relationship is over. I didn't get into any personal attacks. I just told him that this relationship is not enough for me. That I want and deserve more from a man, and that I am no longer willing to fit into the tiny, confined space that he has for me. He responded by saying probably the nicest thing he has ever said to me: "Grapes, you are too smart to be in this kind or relationship." To which I replied, "Yes, I am. It just took me a few months to realize that."

 

After hanging up, I boarded the plane and sat next to a super cute Irish professional golfer and we had a fun, flirtatious conversation the whole way home.

 

This sounds.... just perfect!

[Grapesofwrath]

Thank you all for the support and encouragement. I don't want anyone to think that this doesn't hurt, though. That I don't miss him today. I miss the affection. I miss the attention (limited though it was.) I miss knowing that someone cared about my whereabouts and would ask about my day. I know I can have it again, but right now I miss it.

 

Then I start to think about how Sunday is Mother's Day and I will spend that with my kids, without a man in my life. And that xMM would not have changed that situation.