TheBathWater Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 A pretty straightforward question... I've had a few dates over the course of a few weeks with a woman from the internet and things are going well. We usually make our dates on the phone instead of text, because we both prefer live conversation. When I last called her to make plans, we set up a date but then I had to cancel almost right away due to a work commitment I'd forgotten about. I tried to come up with a different day or time for us to meet but she wasn't sure what her scheduled looked like yet. So, I told her to call me when she knew more to set something up. Basically, I put the ball in her court. As the guy, was this right for me to do? I am probably overanalyzing here, but I know that especially in the early stages women prefer to be chased.
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 It's honestly not so much a chasing thing (I wish people would stop generalizing that) as showing you have some balls. If early on you say "I'll leave it up to you" and demonstrate the same passive behavior, you're bscly telling us that our future will consist of us telling you what to do, when to do it, how fast, etc. No woman wants to be that woman. It's not all 'he-man' to attempt to make decisions, it's just a sign that you have some ambition and self-respect. That's all we really want. Ok, sermon over - as to your situation specifically, I don't think you can necessarily draw the same conclusions bc it's just a little microcosm thing. If you feel weird about it, do something. (Don't overreact.) Otherwise just leave it and don't overanalyze. That's a put-off too. Just relax and don't stress. It'll be what it'll be. 1
Jame22 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 A pretty straightforward question... I've had a few dates over the course of a few weeks with a woman from the internet and things are going well. We usually make our dates on the phone instead of text, because we both prefer live conversation. When I last called her to make plans, we set up a date but then I had to cancel almost right away due to a work commitment I'd forgotten about. I tried to come up with a different day or time for us to meet but she wasn't sure what her scheduled looked like yet. So, I told her to call me when she knew more to set something up. Basically, I put the ball in her court. As the guy, was this right for me to do? I am probably overanalyzing here, but I know that especially in the early stages women prefer to be chased. You pretty much have to put the ball in her court in situations like these. You handled this perfectly. I don't agree with Jen1447. You tried to re-schedule. You did all you could. Now don't confuse this with planning the actual date. This is still your responsibility when she calls you back. But as far as the actual date and time..it's 100% ball in her court. If she doesn't call you back, walk away.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Gotta disagree Jen. 1) If you ask a woman out initially and she says "maybe" or "I need to check my schedule", the last thing you should do is continue to pursue her. If a woman is interested she will make definite plans with you. Continuing to pursue a woman that is either blowing you off or keeping you as a back up plan makes you look like a chump. If a woman won't give a concrete acceptance when you ask her out initially, you keep her on the back burner and pursue women that show genuine interest. 2) In a situation like this she accepted initially, but there was a scheduling mishap. So I believe she is being sincere. That's why if she says she needs to look at her schedule, you allow her the time to do that. Acting pushy and desperate, and repeatedly bugging her for an answer will only lower her attraction. Acting passive, would be expecting her to plan the entire date. But he isn't doing that. He is still acting like the guy and locking down the time and place. All he's doing is being respectful of her schedule and not acting pushy. 2
Gary S Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 If she does not know what her schedule is, she gets to call you back if she wants a date. I would not tell her to do that like you did though, lol. She needs to do that on her own.
Author TheBathWater Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 You pretty much have to put the ball in her court in situations like these. You handled this perfectly. I don't agree with Jen1447. You tried to re-schedule. You did all you could. Now don't confuse this with planning the actual date. This is still your responsibility when she calls you back. But as far as the actual date and time..it's 100% ball in her court. If she doesn't call you back, walk away. I definitely have dates planned for her in the future as long as I can get her out again (so yes, I will plan when she calls me back). I feel confident she will call me. I think I was more just cogitating over the pursuer/chaser dynamics of the early dating phase.
jen1447 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Gotta disagree Jen. 1) If you ask a woman out initially and she says "maybe" or "I need to check my schedule", the last thing you should do is continue to pursue her. If a woman is interested she will make definite plans with you. Continuing to pursue a woman that is either blowing you off or keeping you as a back up plan makes you look like a chump. If a woman won't give a concrete acceptance when you ask her out initially, you keep her on the back burner and pursue women that show genuine interest. 2) In a situation like this she accepted initially, but there was a scheduling mishap. So I believe she is being sincere. That's why if she says she needs to look at her schedule, you allow her the time to do that. Acting pushy and desperate, and repeatedly bugging her for an answer will only lower her attraction. Acting passive, would be expecting her to plan the entire date. But he isn't doing that. He is still acting like the guy and locking down the time and place. All he's doing is being respectful of her schedule and not acting pushy. Um ....what does any of that mean in context? I made a speech about not assuming all women want you to "chase" them, then told OP in his case, do something or not and don't overanalyze. That's pretty much it. Also I love it when men tell women how women think and behave. Do you really think you know better than me what I'm thinking and doing? Anyway I'd be happy to debate that stuff with you but we shouldn't do it here in the OP's advice thread. Start a new one. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 A pretty straightforward question... I've had a few dates over the course of a few weeks with a woman from the internet and things are going well. We usually make our dates on the phone instead of text, because we both prefer live conversation. When I last called her to make plans, we set up a date but then I had to cancel almost right away due to a work commitment I'd forgotten about. I tried to come up with a different day or time for us to meet but she wasn't sure what her scheduled looked like yet. So, I told her to call me when she knew more to set something up. Basically, I put the ball in her court. As the guy, was this right for me to do? I am probably overanalyzing here, but I know that especially in the early stages women prefer to be chased. You've been initiating up to this point, she understands you're interested. She accepted the date you proposed and had to change, it's reasonable for her to have to check her calendar. What you should do when you leave a ball in the woman's court like that is to ask her to confirm or suggest a new plan by a X day. If she doesn't do that, then you back off. The ball is still in her court and you can decide how long you are willing to wait for her. If it goes beyond your limit, you move on.
Author TheBathWater Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Yeah, she texted me today and it looks like she is not free this weekend after all. No offer for an alternative date either. I replied and just told her that's fine, maybe some other time. No response. I wonder if she is just using me for sex? Just a feeling.
jen1447 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 It sounds like she's likely done using you for whatever she was using you for, unfortunately. Sometimes the lights just go out. Try not to stress about it.
Author TheBathWater Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 It sounds like she's likely done using you for whatever she was using you for, unfortunately. Sometimes the lights just go out. Try not to stress about it. Even if that is true, I feel that is a rather brazen way to say it. How do you think someone should respond to that advice?
melissacus Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 People are so weird about dating with all of their rules and guidelines and "ask her to tell you to reschedule by X amount of days". That's strange and takes all the spontaneity and "life" out of dating someone. If someone is interested in you, they will try to be in your life. End of statement. Let them try in their own way on their own time. Relax and just let life happen, it's more fun that way. You did everything you could do to make another date happen. She accepted the date you offered but there was a conflict in schedule, that's it. And maybe she's busy now. Or maybe she didn't have anything to say to the last text you sent and she'll text you when she knows she's free. It's only your second date though so I wouldn't put too much worry into it, just enjoy the mystery.
jen1447 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Even if that is true, I feel that is a rather brazen way to say it. How do you think someone should respond to that advice? To my advice to try not to stress? By trying not to stress.
Author TheBathWater Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 It's only your second date though so I wouldn't put too much worry into it, just enjoy the mystery. Actually, fourth. But I do agree with your sentiment.
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