confusedmandi Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 So I've been seeing this guy but we have never had the conversation about whether we r exclusive. I kind of let him take the lead since he's alot older than me.. In his 40s. The other day we were sitting on his couch just talking and he started to tell a story about work and he said there's this girl I work with who is obsessed with hockey.. Then he paused real quick interupted his story and said she's a lesbian just so u know u don't have to worry about her... Then he went on to say he knows this because she's open about dating women. And then he finished the story about how they were rooting for their fav team or something. My question is y was he telling me not to worry about him mentioning another woman. Do u think he wants to reassure me because he likes me and wants to be exclusive? Or do guys just do that to be nice?
preraph Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Well, he doesn't want you to feel threatened, and that'd good, but you can't infer from that that he's ready for commitment and when he wants exclusivity, he'll bring it up, I imagine. Although it's usually the woman who gets antsy about that.
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 When a guy says don't worry about another woman than you need to be worried. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 (edited) So I've been seeing this guy but we have never had the conversation about whether we r exclusive. I kind of let him take the lead since he's alot older than me.. In his 40s. The other day we were sitting on his couch just talking and he started to tell a story about work and he said there's this girl I work with who is obsessed with hockey.. Then he paused real quick interupted his story and said she's a lesbian just so u know u don't have to worry about her... Then he went on to say he knows this because she's open about dating women. And then he finished the story about how they were rooting for their fav team or something. My question is y was he telling me not to worry about him mentioning another woman. Do u think he wants to reassure me because he likes me and wants to be exclusive? Or do guys just do that to be nice? In his own roundabout way, he's trying to let you know that he's only focusing on you. He wants to feel you out to see if you're on the same page. But personally, I don't like being passive aggressive and walking on egg shells. Just say what you want and go for it. When a guy says don't worry about another woman than you need to be worried. Usually when there's something to be worried about, the guy will say there's nothing in response to a woman asking him. But if he volunteers the information like this and stresses she doesn't need to worry, it comes off more like he's trying to hint he only wants her. Plus, she's a lesbian so I doubt there's any need for her to feel threatened. Haha Edited April 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
writergal Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 In his own roundabout way, he's trying to let you know that he's only focusing on you. He wants to feel you out to see if you're on the same page. But personally, I don't like being passive aggressive and walking on egg shells. Just say what you want and go for it. Usually when there's something to be worried about, the guy will say there's nothing in response to a woman asking him. But if he volunteers the information like this and stresses she doesn't need to worry, it comes off more like he's trying to hint he only wants her. Plus, she's a lesbian so I doubt there's any need for her to feel threatened. Haha That's a big negatory good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry! Exsqueeze me?! That is as far from the truth as Dolly Parton's bra size is far from a B cup. He abruptly stopped himself during his recounting of his female coworker because he KNEW it would set off alarm bells for the OP. When a guy wants to cover up his dirt, he flings it in his woman's face to distract her. "Oh, she's just a lesbian, don't worry." Ba-lo-ney. The first rule of Liar's Club is: you DO NOT talk about Liar's Club! The second rule of Liar's Club is: You do not talk about Liar's Club. Third rule of Fight Club: if the OP yells “stop lying to me!”, her boyfriend gaslights her, or clams up, the fight is over. Fourth rule: only two people to a fight. 2 signs of a liar: over-compensation: When a liar is afraid he'll be found out, he'll over-compensate to hide any sign that he's lying. For example, they will be over-animated or over-eager when they talk to you. It's a defense mechanism. OP, when your boyfriend talked about his coworker, was his tone overly upbeat? Strangely enthusiastic? Un-necessarily happy? delaying: Truthful storytellers are more spontaneous with the details of their stories. The story flows more naturally. But, you can spot a liar because they pause a lot, or will abruptly stop and change the topic of their story to confuse the listener. It's very difficult to follow a liar's train of thought because they will go all over the place, almost out of desperation to keep the listener from detecting their lie. OP, when your boyfriend suddenly paused and switched the direction of his story, to include the unnecessary detail that his female coworker was a lesbian and that you didn't have to worry about her -- that is a perfect example of delaying. At least in my opinion. If she really isn't a threat to the relationship, he wouldn't even bring her up. But the fact that he did, is a huge red flag. It's like the poster Wizer said; when a man tells you not to worry about another woman, then you need to be worried. The more a man protests, the higher the chance he's lying to you. Ever hear that Shakespeare line, "methinks thou doth protest too much?" Here, the bard is explaining what we in modern times would call an "overstatement." Liars LOVE to use overstatements to convince the listener how much they are telling the truth. Um, if you were telling me the truth, you wouldn't need to make overstatements like "oh you don't have to worry about my coworker, she's a lesbian." That is an overstatement. Hence, a lie. Why would you care if she is a lesbian? Why does your boyfriend think you need to know this detail about his coworker's sexuality? So that he can tell you all gay women love hockey? Why would your boyfriend need to reassure you about his female coworker, unless he was attracted to her and felt guilty about it? That's what I think is going on here. He is attracted to his straight female coworker but has conflicting feelings about it, and is too much of a wimp to tell you, even if his feelings is just an innocent crush. Although you say he's in his 40s, he's acting like he's in high school. If there wasn't anything going on, she never would have come up as a topic of conversation. None of the men I've dated over the years ever discussed their female coworkers with me (whether or not these women were married or single), because those women had nothing to do with my relationship with each boyfriend. The only appropriate time to ever mention a female coworker is if she sent out wedding invites to her coworkers, got a boob job that's so bad she's a candidate for that cable tv show "Botched," or her family member died, or she is proud of her children's accomplishments, or she did something great for the company that effects the boyfriend's job too. Those are the only examples I can think of, off the top of my head. I don't believe your boyfriend is telling you the truth about his female coworker. But that's just me. 5
Jessie1231 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 My husband told me I didn't have to worry about one of his coworkers because she was a lesbian also. Four years later, we are divorced and those two have a baby together. 4
writergal Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 My husband told me I didn't have to worry about one of his coworkers because she was a lesbian also. Four years later, we are divorced and those two have a baby together. My point exactly. Five years ago, my then-boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Meanwhile, he continued his affair with his female coworker whom his 1st wife found out about, while he dated me. Once, I came home to our apt. from a grad school class in the afternoon. The day before when I asked my then-boyfriend what his schedule was for that day, he told me he'd be at the gym. So I didn't expect him to be home when I came home. He was sitting on our couch, nicely dressed, with his jacket on and a bottle of wine in a bag. When I asked him what was up he stammered, "Oh, I'm meeting [female coworker's name] at [name of cafe] because she has some good news to tell me." Yeah, I didn't buy it and asked if I could join him so that I could meet his female coworker. He said no! I was too stupidly in-love to see the big, waving, red flag flapping me in the face that day that something was afoot (that wasn't his size 11 feet). Needless to say, I caught him in a few lies after that about texts they sent back and forth, confronted him on NYE and whala, 5 years later he's married to her and blissfully happy. I only know this because a mutual friend told me when he got married (some friend, eh?). When a man tells you not to worry about another woman, you NEED to worry about her. There are more direct ways for a man to reassure his woman that he loves her, than to bring up another woman in the same breath. 2
fitnessfan365 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 (edited) writergal, I usually like your posts and agree with you. But in this case, I think you're generalizing based on experiences you've had and are being a bit cynical. Maybe he's just unsure about where she stands and he threw that in there to see how she'd react. Making a blanket statement that he's definitely lying could make the OP paranoid and create trouble when there really isn't any. So I'd just advise you to be careful in how you word things. Maybe put in how you "suspect" or it's "your opinion' attached to examples. But speaking in certainties when you don't know what the relationship is like between the OP and the guy is not a good way to go. Edited April 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 How about we just agree that there's possibly something to worry about. 3
Author confusedmandi Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Good god. I'm really sorry for what happened to u. I really don't think the guy I'm seeing is covering up an affair with a coworker. He didn't change his tone get defensive or suddenly get very animated. I have been around alot of liars in my life and know the signs. The conversation didn't raise any red flags. We were talking about work and ppl we work with who are crazy diehard fans. He brought up a female at work. He kind of said it offhand about so u don't have to worry.. I took it as sweet that he thought maybe I'd get jealous. Or be worried. I could understand I'd we were in a long relationship and he talked about a coworker. But his tone wasn't suspicious. We haven't had the talk so as far as I'm concerned either of us can see other ppl. I don't want to but I have no reason to flip out. I was just curious if it meant he likes me lol
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 He likes you. Maybe he's fantasizing about a 3some with you and the bisexual.. I mean lesbian coworker. I know I would. 1
writergal Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 writergal, I usually like your posts and agree with you. But in this case, I think you're generalizing based on experiences you've had and are being a bit cynical. Maybe he's just unsure about where she stands and he threw that in there to see how she'd react. Making a blanket statement that he's definitely lying could make the OP paranoid and create trouble when there really isn't any. So I'd just advise you to be careful in how you word things. Maybe put in how you "suspect" or it's "your opinion' attached to examples. But speaking in certainties when you don't know what the relationship is like between the OP and the guy is not a good way to go. Ah, ff, but you're doing the exact thing in your posts to the OP, that you accuse me of doing; speaking in certainties, making a blanket statement. For example, you wrote: Usually when there's something to be worried about, the guy will say there's nothing in response to a woman asking him. But if he volunteers the information like this and stresses she doesn't need to worry, it comes off more like he's trying to hint he only wants her. Plus, she's a lesbian so I doubt there's any need for her to feel threatened. Haha "Usually" is a term used to exert "certainty." You could have said, "It's my opinion that..." but you didn't. You used "usually" to assert that the OP's boyfriend's statement is a common thing, as though you know the OP's boyfriend because you are also a man. As though all men speak that way to their girlfriends. Then you invalidate the OP's feelings, with your last sentence, joking about the woman being a lesbian. That's invalidating because you come across as to make light of the OP's hurt feelings with that stupid joke. How exactly is that reassuring, to say "plus she's a lesbian so there's no need to feel threatened." A better way to comfort the OP would be to offer up an example from your own life, where you were in a similar situation with a girlfriend and how you clarified your feelings for your girlfriend by mentioning a female coworker. The men friends that I have (and I am an authority on this subject because I know them each personally, so you don't think I'm being authoritative without reason), have never brought up another woman, when they declared their feelings to their girlfriend or wife. To suggest to the OP, that men do that, now that is a blanket statement. You wrote: In his own roundabout way, he's trying to let you know that he's only focusing on you. He wants to feel you out to see if you're on the same page. Like I said, the men friends I know would never say "My coworker Sally is a lesbian who loves hockey, so you don't have to worry about her because I love you." That makes no sense at all. And invites suspicion about who Sally is, and what's she doing in the same declarative sentence that is meant to validate and reassure the girlfriend that Sally isn't a threat. Then you contradict yourself, immediately after, as though to back peddle when you wrote: But personally, I don't like being passive aggressive and walking on egg shells. Just say what you want and go for it. So, are you trying to indirectly tell the OP what you think her boyfriend is being passive-aggressive? If that's what you really think, then it's better to say that straight-forwardly. Because that sentence you wrote, implies that you think her boyfriend is being passive aggressive, and thus inviting the OP to walk on egg shells. In essence, it can be read as a mixed message, what you wrote in those two sentences.
Gary S Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I took it as sweet that he thought maybe I'd get jealous. Or be worried. - Exactly. He was getting too comfortable with you and then realized he might be talking too much about another woman and was afraid it might turn you off. That's all that happened here. Gee, some of you peeps go off the deep end sometimes. 2
writergal Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 - Exactly. He was getting too comfortable with you and then realized he might be talking too much about another woman and was afraid it might turn you off. That's all that happened here. Gee, some of you peeps go off the deep end sometimes. Not really Gary S. Because it does happen. OP, if his statement didn't bother you, then why did you post about it? 1
Gary S Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I know it happens. But you just can't infer from what he said that he's seeing this other woman. And from what the op woman has said, I think she is very intuitive and has nailed it.
fitnessfan365 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 "Always" is a term of certainty. "Usually" means a good portion of the time. But let's not get caught up in semantics in the OP's thread. I'm just curious how it will unfold. "I think" that the guy is being passive aggressive and trying to feel out the situation instead of just admitting he wants to be exclusive.
melissacus Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 She posted about it because she was wondering if it was his way of hinting toward maybe feeling something real for her? That's what I got from her post. She's wondering if since he mentioned that, does it mean he might be thinking "exclusively". No offense, but just because you had a bad experience with a partner and coworker, doesn't mean every guy is sleeping with his co worker. Plus, they haven't even had the talk, like she said, so your post is irrelevant to hers. 2
Author confusedmandi Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 I just thought of something. Does it make sense he might have had a jealous ex that would get upset if he mentioned other woman? So it's just a habit to reassure someone when a female is brought up. My ex husband went thru my phone and if someone txt me he wanted to know who it was and what they said. So even with the new guy I'm in the habit of saying oh so and so just text me and said... Even though he doesn't ask. It's just a habit. Could that be why he had this reaction
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