shamen Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Hey Blind Otter, I know that you know it's just a defense mechanism that you are using, being all sulky. You can't really help it... I mean, how else are you really to feel but sad because he's leaving (and therefore acting a bit mean)? The fact that you had a great weekend almost makes it worse, because now you are left with a great memory. I'm glad that you are seeing him tonight. Be good to him and therefore, you will be good to you. Let yourself feel something for him tonight. Wallow in the things that he makes you feel and be glad that you can feel anything at all. Go visit him in Scotland. See him in his environment. Don't let fear take you away from what you have, or could have with him... Salud, Shamen
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Shamen, I am so afraid. The more I feel about him the more scared sh*tless I become. Sabotaging relationships is my forte and I'm surprised he hasn't been more put off. He said he understood why I was so sulky, because I get that way when I am unhappy, like a pouty little girl. I am terrified, actually. What if I let myself love him and he hurts me just like my ex-lovers have, in the past? What if I let go and actually let it happen? I adore him. I think he is SO cool.
shamen Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Blind Otter, Of course you are afraid! So am I! Many of us are, and that's part of what makes us not live life to what it could really be. All of this, oh, what if this happens, what if that happens stuff... Ya know? I'm with ya on the sabotaging of relationships... I've been trying to find every reason in the book to leave the guy that I'm dating now because he is GOOD to me. So not used to that. You've been doing a lot of the same things with him. But, at least you are aware of it. That's half the battle, isn't it? He may end up hurting you like your ex-lovers, but if you walk away from it before it gets a chance to be anything else, how will you ever know? Let go a little, there's no harm in going to see him in Scotland. Come on, girl, he's inviting you to SCOTLAND! Who would not want to go there? Don't let the fear that you have take over and stop you from just going, from seeing him tonight and letting go a little. You do adore this man. Let it be what it is and spend tonight being happy for the time that you get to spend with him. And the best part is, he understands why you were sulky this morning...
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by shamen And the best part is, he understands why you were sulky this morning... I know. Sniffle. He was totally so wonderful with me. He handles me so gently....like he knows how, even though I am brave and strong and headstrong, too - he knows that inside, my heart is made of glass.....
shamen Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I know. Sniffle. He was totally so wonderful with me. He handles me so gently....like he knows how, even though I am brave and strong and headstrong, too - he knows that inside, my heart is made of glass..... That's EXACTLY why you should be as good as you can to him tonight.
Mz. Pixie Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I just finished reading the last several pages of this thread. I just wanted to say I can feel the struggles in your posts and I have been in your same place the last couple of weeks. Things are so great with my bf, and we're in love and exclusive and all that, but I truly think sometimes I try to sabotage the whole relationship. I have realized over the years that I am prone to do that. I did it to my exh sometimes. Today some plans we've had for a couple of weeks fell through for later in the month. It wasn't his fault, but I was really upset because I had reorganized my whole month just to be able to make the event (visitation and such). So, later he calls me just to say he's thinking of me and what do I say?? "Are you trying to make up for earlier by sucking up?". Gosh, I was such a jerk. I apologized immediately but I could tell his feelings were hurt. He is amazing. Everything I could ever want. I continually have this feeling down in my gut that I don't deserve to be happy like this. I'm like you- up one minute, down the next! And I'm not drinking!!! I'm not sure what the answer is but I have always maintained a sort of distance with people- don't let them all the way in- they don't hurt you. I was even that way with my exh. I can't be that way with my bf- for one, he won't accept it from me- he wants all of me- and two- I don't want to be that way with him in the first place. It's a terribly intimate and intense relationship and it scares the hell out of me.
prisoner Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 step by step. you knew you would get here eventually. you knew that you would start to feel betrayed and the discomfort would come back. you have known for a long time that being ' emotionally available' is a struggle and it is easier to be closed off. it is the simple life when we 'hang out or whatever' because then we don't have to care. we don't have to have memories or remember birthdays. we can leap forward. steps don't count for anything. there is nothing to experience. it is easier to say goodbye. Otter, you have been doing so well. slowly step by step getting to what you know is the inevitable. now you have to keep going. you have to face each second with the strength that got you through the last. you yourself are a miracle. you deserve to be loved. you deserve to be happy. you do not deserve to feel betrayed. if you see him again then it will be after all the steps in between. there will be steps in between then and now if you do not see him again. it is the steps you have to take. relax. be kissed and hugged. smile. do what you have to do to get through your last night for a while and wake up knowing that you are strong and intelligent and deserve the good things as much as you think you deserve or want the bad. you are not a quitter. you are not a fool. you light people up. so enjpoy your evening. be cared for. be happy. be sad. either way it will be something worth having. remember, growing in one place sometimes means pruning in another. you knew you would get where you are right now. that is what all of this has been about. don't deal with something before it happens. experience it and then check to see if there is anything you need to do. as for the sharks, remember that it is YOU at stake here, not just you. oh and whi9le i can understand your appreciation of the 'real world' do not dismiss your own perspective. you are the only one who sees and hears it first. take care
Author blind_otter Posted May 10, 2005 Author Posted May 10, 2005 Sorry for the confusions, he is coming to see me tonight, and leaving wednesday.... We talked on the phone for 2 hours last night. I could hear his Dad in the background asking "what the f*ck do ya ha' to talk aboot wi' that girrrl after spendin' th' whole week-end wi' herrrr?" And he told me he wasn't the type of guy who talked on the telly for hours. Well I coax a conversation out of anyone. In any case he called me his girlfriend . So I have a new boyfriend, I suppose. All from a silly little vacation fling. He wanted me to come to the Oasis concert with him and I admitted that I didn't really like Oasis that much and he said I shouldn't come to the concert anyways because of the light show. He doesn't want me to have a fit in the middle of the concert. I forgot about that. I always avoid big concerts because of the lights. So I am going to see him in July shortly after independence day, because my boss will be in NY and I can take time off easier when she isn't here. I am falling in love again. Oh jeebus.
Illusion24 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 am falling in love again. Oh jeebus Enjoy it B_O...You deserve a good man by your side ...I'm happy for you, don't screw this one up !!!
Illusion24 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 I am terrified, actually. What if I let myself love him and he hurts me just like my ex-lovers have, in the past? What if I let go and actually let it happen? I adore him. I think he is SO cool. Don't be afraid, you've suffered before, the past is the past. Don't let your past experience ruin something beautiful in which you haven't felt in a long time. Life is full of surprises, maybe this is your chance to make something good happen. If you're meant to be..you'll be. Be happy, don't think of the end when the beginning just started. Move on from here...Take these memories and hold on to them. So, he "might" break your hear, But what if "you" break his heart??? It's a chance you have to take and it's worth taking. Love is hard but I rather have loved then live life not loving at all....If in the end (which I think this ones a keeper) it doesn't work out, B_O, you've moved on before and survived. You're a strong person you'll move on eventually (though this one might take you some time)...
Mz. Pixie Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 BO- SOOOOO happy for you! I was just thinking while reading NSN's post- you know if you never take a chance then you never know what may happen. I'm trying to enjoy the joy that this person is bringing to my life right now.... NSN- how is your love??
Illusion24 Posted May 10, 2005 Posted May 10, 2005 NSN- how is your love?? In transition..I'm trying my hardest to move on and not think of the pain I caused my ex...This should be a new topic (forum)..
Author blind_otter Posted May 11, 2005 Author Posted May 11, 2005 I said goodbye to my love, and I was much better last night and this morning. No poutiness, I controlled myself. He showed up only a few minutes after I got home from work, and we fell into bed as usual and our sex was different, kind of sad and achy and slow and very touchy feely, which I normally don't like, but he would tip my face back to look at him whenever I turned away or squirmed away from the close contact. I sometimes feel like he is much older than me, emotionally, because he seems to know how to "handle" me in an intuitive and very paternal way, almost. Even though he's only 27. We had amazing sex, as usual. I was exhausted from the sweaty lovemaking, but he prodded me enough to get me up and we went out for a great dinner (the yummiest butternut squash soup I've had, I must say) and a bottle of wine, and he wanted to go home and just be with me instead of going downtown. So we did, and fell asleep all cuddly, and woke up very early this morning (just before 6am) slightly hung over but wanting to be able to spend a few more hours together. He said I'd better be prepared because he wants to whisk me away to gretna green to marry me. hah! the whole marriage for a green card thing is a running joke between us, now, but I do know he very much wants to move to the states. I am going to visit him the second week of july, as my evil bitch boss will be in NY that week. He will be back in August for 3 months then I have another week between christmas and new years that we might go away somewhere warm together. Who knows. I adore him, that's alls I knows. Regarding the A-Team... Bosco is jealous. He dumped the crazy girl who couldn't orgasm, she sent him a flurry of stalker-ish text messages, he is dating some new female who in all likelihood can't orgasm as well. It's his M.O. - and he knows it, too. Thinks it's about "conquering" the orgasm-less woman. Mr. T was dating some chick in a band who went on tour and dissed him by not taking his calls. Return to saltiness. Murdock and I are on speaking terms again, but he keeps telling me not to go to Scotland because it won't be fun or work out. Whatever.
shamen Posted May 15, 2005 Posted May 15, 2005 Otter, I'm so glad for you that you had such a nice last time with him! Yeah! It sounds like a truly romantic evening... I'm also happy that you've decided that you are going to go to Scotland to see him. That is great, and truly conquering your fear, ya know? It's good to take a risk sometimes. In regards to the A-Team... sounds like Bosco is having a rough time of it. That stinks, and he's jealous. Of course. Who are Mr. T and Murdock? Have I missed stories about them?
Author blind_otter Posted May 16, 2005 Author Posted May 16, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Otter, I'm so glad for you that you had such a nice last time with him! Yeah! It sounds like a truly romantic evening... I'm also happy that you've decided that you are going to go to Scotland to see him. That is great, and truly conquering your fear, ya know? It's good to take a risk sometimes. In regards to the A-Team... sounds like Bosco is having a rough time of it. That stinks, and he's jealous. Of course. Who are Mr. T and Murdock? Have I missed stories about them? Mr. T was the friend who my ex tried to strangle. We used to be FWB. I cut it off. Murdock has been a friend for ages and knew my exhusband. He and I also hooked up briefly last year, but HE put an end to the FWB thing. I ended up going back to my exBF and he was salty - to the extreme. See my long distance relationship rant for further updates....
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