Author blind_otter Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 I love you, Curly. You are right. I am afraid to be happy. Because being happy makes me utterly terrified. And so I have been determined to be unhappy for well, since forever. Since the first time I was raped when I was 12. Because then I don't have anything to risk. I have a history of sabotaging myself. How do I not sabotage myself?
prisoner Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 what if all of those things were not true? what if all of those things were the concerns of another? what if you were emotionally available? what if you had nothing in yuor past that stayed with you? wehat if you had nothing awfuland horrible happen to you? what if all of those things were part of YOU and you didn't see them? what if you chose to ignore all of them? what if you thought you were someone else? You wouldn't be YOU. All of those things you describe make you wonderful. you yourself are a miracle. Everything you just explained makes you someone that deserves good things. Your compassion. Your self knowledge. Even what you are struggling with. Whimsical and charming and just disaffected enough that you know there is only mother t but she still makes a better role model than a williams sister. Being sad. hurt. scared. concerned about your health. wanting more for yourself. the people that care about you. the people that have hurt you. knowing who to be with and why. knowing what will take you the places you want to go. ALL of these things make you a miracle. step by step. pieto a pieto. good and bad. happy and sad. they are all things that YOU have to offer. If this man does not deserve them. Fine. good. move on. i think you know what you want and will know it when you see it. That person will see the things you discuss and they will be the reason they love you. 'in spite of' remember? embraceable you is more like it. all of me is more like it. that all encompassing cole porter everything love. strange dear but true dear. what if there was othing to report? what if there was nothing for you to wonder about? wouldn't it be worse? i am your ally. i will never see things anybody else's way. the thimng is though that i can not walk a mile in your shoes. i can only read and respond. i tell you the truth. that you should expect. i get your exes point about what you should expect but i will remind you that those people have angsst and peculiarities and addictions and illnesses too. there is no perfect. the closest thing we come to it is no where (insert incorrect grammar for dramatic effect) near. you yourself are a miracle. i cannot strees how important it is for you to know that. all of the things that hurt make it so. now, did you eat something good? something you liked? Oh and one oyther thing: emailing him might be too messy. talk to him. is that too dangerous? and (there is never just one more thing) there are people out there who WANT to get to know YOU before things get confusing and strange and before they have invaded your territory with nothing to offer. Sun Tzu reminds us that when we sack a city we should never destroy it. what would be the use, then? There are people out there that they compromise you by not offering you anything. you would be surprised how slowly the clock ticks and tocks when things are going the way you want them to. Thanks for your kind words. You are an inspiring one.
CurlyIam Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I love you, Curly. You are right. I am afraid to be happy. Because being happy makes me utterly terrified. And so I have been determined to be unhappy for well, since forever. Since the first time I was raped when I was 12. Because then I don't have anything to risk. I have a history of sabotaging myself. How do I not sabotage myself? Right back at you, BO . Just don't do anything right now. Allow yourself to be happy with this guy, even if it's an hour, a week or a month. Don't obsess over your being raped, miscarried, marriage... You don't have to be in control all the time. You don't have to have everything clear. Dare to hope. Dare to be happy. Dare to have faith in him. If you succeed to have lore faith in him than fear your own deamons, you'll get there, BO. You'll actually be happy. I'm thinking about you, girl.
prisoner Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 i agree with the not doing anything. i agree with the not obsessing. i agree with the daring to be happy. i agree with the conquering the demons (i also liked the old school spelling). i do not believe that THIS guy is the one to put any faith in. he says he loves you but he can't because he doesn't know YOU and the only way he can love the YOU you want him to love is by knowing YOU which he can't do because he is leaving which means you will (by nature) shut him down. want to swim in the deep end, fine? but when he goes he is coming back when he CAN. he will be in and out of your life until what? i agree with the trying not to sabotage but what if that is YOU? what if the sabotaging makes you happy? for now granted, but what if 'for now' is all YOU want? be happy? yes! live the what if instead of the okay? excellent! be a miracle? awesome. being happy while KNOWING you will be sad? isn't that the same as pushing him away? i don't know. It is maddening.
Author blind_otter Posted April 29, 2005 Author Posted April 29, 2005 I didn't do anything, and he called me last night and I had a ridiculous thrill go through me, and after the conversation my cheeks were burning and flushed, and I giggled absurdly to myself and felt an adrenaline rush. At the end of the conversation he was laughing, too, with a brashness that bordered on hysteria. We are both very much infatuated with each other, but not more than that, I think. I should just enjoy the last 2 weeks and get over it already. I think about things too much. I don't need a man in my life all the time right now. I do all my emotional growing when I have space to grow. When someone is in my space, I intertwine around them so much that the relationship becomes like a South American strangler tree, growing around the healthy tree, feeding off of it until it dies, then holding the shell of the dead tree up so it still looks normal. I need space to heal and grow. So, this is a good way for me to do that. I will keep in touch with him and see how things are when he returns in 3 months. I am still starving and eating like a madwoman. Not really, I am snacking all day though. Yesterday I ate hot fries, these really spicy chips that make you cough if you eat too many at once. I hate those, normally. Weird.
CurlyIam Posted April 29, 2005 Posted April 29, 2005 You're inlove, hihihi! I also crave carbs when I'm inlove, so there you have it! It should be written somewhere: "being inlove may have a side effect devouring fries!"
prisoner Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 nachos. lots of nachos. nothing else will satisfy when there is something wicked in the air for me.
shamen Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Wow, B_O. Sounds like you've had a really crazy week. So, what's the scoop now? Leave the thing with Scotty to nothing? Or just give it and him some time to see where it goes after he leaves? He does have two weeks left... Are you going to spend it with him, or away from him? I hope that you spend it with him. Try not to be so afraid of feeling something. Something good. IMHO, shopping for a new one isn't going to much fun right now. Obviously you have some unanswered questions about the ex. How much longer is he in jail?
Author blind_otter Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Obviously you have some unanswered questions about the ex. How much longer is he in jail? He is getting out on work release in August, and then on house arrest in March or April of next year. He will be on house arrest for the next year or so after that. But the town he is being sent to is about 2 hours away from me, maybe 90 minutes. Mostly I think it is a security thing. He treated me the best, courted me the most vigorously, and even though he knows what I've been up to the whole time he's been in prison, he still wants me. I can't figure that one out. But then again, I still want him, even though he did some pretty ****ty things to me. I think he will always be that one love that I think about frequently. He is the one I gave my heart to openly. No one since then has been able to crack through the defenses. Not even the scot. I am disappointed. He said he would call me last night and he didn't. I was watching "Eddie Murphy Raw" last night and he had his bit about how all men cheat. It's something I think about occassionally. He hasn't made a claim on me. He confuses me. I confuse myself. Blah. I don't like that. I don't like how he is making me feel now. I don't feel ready to open myself up. Barely 6 months since my miscarriage, my due date coming up on June 14 and I will be a depressed nutball around that time, I am sure. I like conquering men and making them want me because I have low self-esteem and it makes me feel better about myself. But I never did NC with my ex/husband. We have always stayed in contact. That's probably why I'm still not over him.
shamen Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Hi Blind Otter, So, I didn't realize that you still harbored all of these feelings for your ex. What happened with him that was sh*tty? I guess all of that hard work he did to get you really got to you, eh? And you let him in emotionally too? Wow. Never did NC with him, huh? I guess you two got along pretty well. So Scotty's turning out to be a dud... Do you think that this is about the visa thing? Or is it because you turned him away emotionally? It's always hard to know the answer to these kinds of questions when you know somewhere inside that you're pushing away right at critical moments... I must admit that I'm surprised that he didn't call when he said he would. He didn't sound like he would turn out to be untrustworthy... I hate this kind of stupid game crap. It just pisses me off. I mean, don't make me sit here waiting for your as* when you know that you're not going to call. For me, it just turns into I must go out by such and such a time if you don't call. And then I get super angry at that time and I go drink too much with my gfs. I'm sorry that your due date is coming up, Otter. I wish I could do something to make you feel better about this. I know that it must hurt. Just know that I send good thoughts your way... Conquering men, conquests. It's funny that you mention this. I got a new CD a week ago that is of a friend's band. My two favorite songs on it are about conquests. He was a little surprised that I liked them so much. They are very angry songs and kinda degrading for the intended lover. But they feel good when I listen to them. I like the memory of doing this to men, but I'm starting to not enjoy it. The last ONS that I had was too easy, it almost bored me. And the sex was really bad, and he had a tiny little... Otter, you run hot. I can't tell you how many times in the last couple of weeks that I have fantasized about beating the crap out of someone with a riding crop or a whip or something old school because it would make me feel good (and it's not even really anyone in particular). I don't do this kind of thing anymore, but conquest is kinda like that. Domination to feed your low self esteem. I know exactly what you're talking about. Maybe I think about it diffently in that I used to be into B&D. God, I am a freak!
BigB Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 TAG Otter, I hope you don't mind if I tag this. It's interesting.
Author blind_otter Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Yeah, that's fine B. My life is bizarre even to me. Well the weekend was great. I decided that I just wouldn't care that much that he said he would call and didn't. I got up early Saturday morning (7:30am), and cleaned for like 3 1/2 hours straight, and then prettied myself up and went to starbucks. When I got home he showed up and as usual we fell into bed the first thing and had fantabulous sex. I just never mentioned that he was supposed to call me. I decided to let it go. Choose your battles, right? I have this problem with having one bad thing happen, then immediately assuming that it's going to be a pattern, then totally blaming that other person for a behavioral pattern that has yet to even blossom into existence, thus driving them to avoid me even more. But we had a blast Saturday even though we didn't do much. We hung out at my place. He wanted to make me lunch so we went shopping and he made an awesome salad and even left the tomatos out of my salad because he knows I don't like tomatos. How can he be so nice to me and considerate, and yet forget about me and be so evasive sometimes? Then we went to my friend R's house, she was babysitting her 5 year old niece and has asked me to help - I offered my services freely because I love little kids. The niece loves me, too, it was kinda funny. We went out to eat and the niece's fav restaurant and it ended up being the niece, me and Scotty on one side of the booth, and R on the other. We hung out at R's house for a bit after dinner and the niece wanted to sit on my lap, and we watched a movie, but eventually she got up so I could sit and snuggle with Scotty. Then we bought some alcohol and went back to my place and I got lit and we started talking. It was ok. I think that I said too much though. I told him that I was awfully fond of him, too fond I think, because it scares me to want someone that much because then that means I have something to lose. It's just weird. He doesn't say anything back but he holds me. The way he holds me and the way he kisses me communicates something to me but he is so tight-lipped about anything emotional. I can coax conversation out of almost anyone, really, because I have the inane and occassionally irritating ability to talk constantly when given the opportunity. Although you REALLY know I'm comfortable with you when I can have those comfortable silences that other people seem to tolerate so well. Probably my own insecurities. When I am with him I feel great. I don't question things. I am in the moment. When he is gone, I get all freaked out and insecure. Because it's too late and I already do care about him and I like having him in my life. He is pleasant to be around. He makes it easy. But I made it known that I don't like games and I want it clear. So when he left today he said he would call before I went into the hospital and he said I could call him while I was in there if I needed someone to talk to. I haven't ever called him before. I emailed him for the first time last week. I had previously just responded to his emails. So I guess I haven't really been doing anything but passively receiving his courting. Which is nice, that he is pursuing me. But I suppose I wasn't being very receptive. I am just as confusing because when he is not with me I am rather distant. Well, very distant. I suppose to anyone else it would look like I was playing games, but I'm not. I'm just screwed up in the head. He even packed me a lunch this morning. How sweet is that?
Author blind_otter Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 I am such a big dork when I fall for someone. I just wanted to say that. I do sappy things like re-read all their emails to me when I am bored, and I find myself smiling like an ass. I sicken myself with this sappiness. My friend, Bosco, he and I talked for a couple of hours last night, which is cool because we haven't had one of our long talks in a while. He was complaining about the girl he's seeing, I was complaining about my emotional insecurities. He kept referring to the Scot as my boyfriend. I kept saying he wasn't. Bosco said, look if you spend like 24 hours a day with someone every weekend for 6 weeks and occassionally during the week as well, they are your boyfriend. No man would stoop to such a level if he didn't want to be your boyfriend, dumbass. Absurdly enough it made me feel better to hear it from a man. It was funny how he said it though, every time Bosco said "your boyfriend" he sounded like a sulky little kid. As in "I have no friends to go out with any more. Everyone is getting paired up. [Mr. T] has a girlfriend, you have a BOYfriend, and I have to go out alone now." (Yeah, Mr. T has a girlfriend, he invited me and Bosco out to celebrate his b-day, so I get to finally meet her and I'm excited, I hope she's cool ) Sulky bastard. I said, well you're seeing that girl. And he does nothing but bitch about her, yet says "I'm not ready to stop having sex with her". Ugh. Men. Stop leading her on, then. She obviously is so into him that she's doing every "woman trick" in the book to "catch" him - making herself extremely sexually available, even though she can't orgasm, agreeing with everything he says in terms of what he wants out of a relationship. It's funny to see this through a more or less objective lens. Really makes me think hard and long (no pun intended) about how I interact with my man. I am ambivalent about visiting him in his element, though, in June. I haven't bought the ticket yet. If I was really 100% committed to seeing him I already would have, to avoid the problem I have with spending too much money on shoes. haha. But actually I didn't buy shoes, I bought luggage (which I don't need, but it had a cute floral pattern, whatever that sounds so lame). I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship. I told him that I know that all men cheat if given the opportunity, so the only thing I ask is that he be consciencous and use a rubber. I would, anyways, but honestly I just don't feel like having sex with anyone else and that SCARES ME TO DEATH. Why would I not want to have sex with someone if the no strings attached opportunity presented itself? I'm a sexually liberated woman. And yet. I actually let him, um, go down on me the last time he was here. I can count on one hand the number of guys I have allowed to do that to me, and none of them were successful. (and I've definately had sex with more than 5 guys, I'll tell ya)... But he was. That's probably why he's got me in a tizzy now. It's like, as soon as he made me cum with his mouth, I was butter. Melted butter. How does that happen? What a sweet and wicked weakness it is to be a woman, sometimes. confusing thing. love is.
Linlin Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I don't think I can handle a long distance relationship. I told him that I know that all men cheat if given the opportunity, so the only thing I ask is that he be consciencous and use a rubber. I would, anyways, but honestly I just don't feel like having sex with anyone else and that SCARES ME TO DEATH. Why would I not want to have sex with someone if the no strings attached opportunity presented itself? I'm a sexually liberated woman. And yet. I actually let him, um, go down on me the last time he was here. I can count on one hand the number of guys I have allowed to do that to me, and none of them were successful. (and I've definately had sex with more than 5 guys, I'll tell ya)... But he was. That's probably why he's got me in a tizzy now. It's like, as soon as he made me cum with his mouth, I was butter. Melted butter. How does that happen? What a sweet and wicked weakness it is to be a woman, sometimes. confusing thing. love is. Yes it is hun!! But it is a good ride while it lasts. A friend of mine dated and got engaged to a guy from Scotland, actually from my ex's home town. They actually made it work. Visiting each other a few times a year. As far as I know, they were faithful to each other. But you guys can make up your own mind on this. Go and enjoy Scotland. It is beautiful to visit. Seriously, I think we overanalyze way too many things in life. Just go with the flow and enjoy the moment. Who knows when an opportunity like this will come around again. As for the going down thing, WAY TO GO! I love it!!! I am glad someone is having a godd time, because my love life f*cking sucks!!!
prisoner Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 success is counted sweetest by those who ne'er succeed to comprehend a nectar Requires sorest need Not one of all the purple host who took the Flag today can tell the definition So clear of victory As he defeated - dying On whose forbidden ear The distant strains of triumph Burst agonized and clear! pieto a pieto Otter. you are doing so well! Are you SERIOUSLY considering Scotland in June? While you may consider the distraction a good idea i stand by my agreement that you should await his return while you work through your present agenda. speaking of which- i will ask- how was the hospital? in response to your witty rebelliousness (he needs to hear yuo talk and you know it- that's why you bought the booze0 i am going to recline toward an earlier line of questioning: has the discomfort and comfort now only baseed on Scotty's presence or is the discomfort still around when he is around, too? In other words, is he soothing you no matter whether he is there or not? Is he looking for the YOU? Is he listening through all of that quiet? I disagree with Bosco about the boyfriend thing. To what depths has Scotty plunged?
Author blind_otter Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner Are you SERIOUSLY considering Scotland in June? While you may consider the distraction a good idea i stand by my agreement that you should await his return while you work through your present agenda. speaking of which- i will ask- how was the hospital? in response to your witty rebelliousness (he needs to hear yuo talk and you know it- that's why you bought the booze0 i am going to recline toward an earlier line of questioning: has the discomfort and comfort now only baseed on Scotty's presence or is the discomfort still around when he is around, too? In other words, is he soothing you no matter whether he is there or not? Is he looking for the YOU? Is he listening through all of that quiet? I disagree with Bosco about the boyfriend thing. To what depths has Scotty plunged? He listens to me, I think, but in a way I am not used to. Cultural differences, I think, Southern boys are very different. He called me the night before I went in hospital and asked me to call him when I was bored or needed someone to talk to. I did call him 2 times in the evening of the first night, the second time right after I had a seizure. He was so kind. He seemed genuinly upset that I was in there having seizures induced, and very concerned about me. I told him I wouldn't stay there longer than 3 days, even though the doctor said it might take up to 7, and he said that he would rather I stay an extra day if the doctor said I needed to. He even told his mother about me. And I'm going to my mom's to cook her dinner on sunday for Mother's Day, and he is coming with me. He wanted me to meet his mother if I go to Scotland, and I talked to his Dad for a bit on the phone last night and he knew an awful lot about me. In my world, well, I don't speak with my parents about my lovers unless I have feelings for them. They only know right now that I am seeing someone. They don't even know his name. ha ha ha. The discomfort? It's insecurity, no doubt about it. I identified this on Tuesday night. He was supposed to call me around 6-ish. well 6-ish came and went and I just cried like a whiney baby. I kept thinking to myself, why why why should I feel this way, rejected and forgotten, consumed with worry. Then he finally calls me at 8-ish. And though I gave him a hard time initially, being sarcastic and short with him, he joked with me and thawed the ice. He apologized for being late with the call, blah blah blah. To what depths has he plunged. Hmmm. I am so very guarded about the secret workings of me. I was talking with Bosco about how I am afraid of letting people in, that once they do see me for who I am inside, that they will be repulsed by me. He said that it didn't make sense and he didn't understand why I felt this way. It's the legacy of sexual abuse and rape, though. I learned that my body is valuable to people. But my heart and mind and soul are not. Perhaps that is the problem. Perhaps they are not even valuable to me. I can't say I'm not tempted to go. He wants me to meet his mother and his best friend. He wants to take me to Amsterdam while I'm there. He wants to do this and that. I suppose to show me off to his friends like I've showed him off to mine. It's just so strange. I didn't want this, when it began. I wanted a fling. Someone to f*ck for a few weeks, no strings attached since he was leaving, and just to enjoy myself. And then I stopped just enjoying myself and started being fond of him for all the "in spite of" things - for his idiosynchrasies, the way he misspells certain words (in my American eyes), his lovely accent that I can barely understand, his fluffy hair and the way he steers me around by the back of my neck sometimes when we are out together. His funny stories about "back home". I will miss him when he is gone. I don't know what I will do about Scotland, though. It would be nice to visit, but I am afraid of what will happen (or won't happen) if I do go. I don't want to fall in love. Love is sticky and messy and painful.
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Bosco watched my house for me while I went away on a romantic weekend getaway with the Scot to St. Augustine. We had a blast. Friday night we stayed in my town and got drunk at my bar that I always go to and he whisked me home for ravishing. Then we woke up late on Saturday and finally got to St. Auggy late afternoon Saturday and pretty much had time to check in, fool around loudly in the hotel room (which had a jacuzzi next to the bed, how convenient, and a beach view with a balcony which we left open so I'm sure my fellow guests heard my enthusiastic enjoyment - anyways, we went to a cute restaurant on the docks for appetizers and a bottle of wine, then walked around and had a drink at a bar further downtown near the castillo de san marcos, then we went to another restaurant I like in St. Auggy, OC White's, where we had another starter and king crab legs and a few more cocktails. I was well and truly lit. We went back to the hotel with a few beers and a small bottle of whiskey and frolicked throughout the hotel and the hotel room, and passed out late into the night after strange sex which, I think, involved me wearing high heels and being bent over the balcony rail. We ended up checking out about 2 hours later than we were supposed to, had a heavy lunch, then we went to the beach and fell asleep all cuddled up together. Then I woke up in a panic, remembering that I had promised to cook my Mother dinner for Mom's day. We got lost on the way home because we were smoking a joint, and got there too late as she had already eaten dinner with my older sister and co., so we ended up going out for sushi at this trendy place down town where I live where the music is loud and the decor is...odd....but they have great food, and then coffee and dessert at a local little coffee shop that has the best cheesecake, and all in all it was a fun weekend. I awoke this morning in a dark, foul mood. I was unresponsive to his kisses and caresses, and I pushed him away from me and sulked like a child. I was rude and cruel and not sweet or kind. His last memory of me is me kissing him in a tight-lipped and confusing way, considering my declarations of passionate attachment throughout his stay. He asked if I was still coming to visit him (he has already told his mother) and instead of saying "of course" I said, "maybe". He tried to joke with me this morning, tried to cheer me up, tried to make me smile. Nothing worked. I was morose. I was sour grapes. I was a bitch. It's because I am upset. He knew it. He kept saying, you are unhappy, I know, but I'll see you again in 6 weeks and that's not a very long time. 6 weeks! That's how long we've been seeing each other. In any case it doesn't matter. I feel so ridiculously mournful and I hate myself for feeling so sad about something so trivial. It's ok. IN a few weeks I won't hardly remember. He took quite a few pictures of me and us together over the weekend. I only have one, that my female best friend took, of us sitting together on her couch. I will miss him. I have no expectations of having anything more than what we had. It was fun. I had a glorious time. Maybe I will visit him. Maybe I will never see him again. Oh, well. I simply don't know.
tokyo Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I know how sad it is when you have fallen for someone and know you will have to say good-bye soon which reenforces all your insecurities even more. HUGS, kooky
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 I feel like poo. Bosco broke up with his girl that he was seeing last week. We are supposed to hang out tonight. I am supposed to go to the movies tomorrow. I have dates, guys who knew I was hanging with the Scot, who were waiting like sharks for the Scot to leave so they could go out and "just hang or whatever" with me (which means they want to have sex as well but whatever, I absurdly and morosely don't want to have sex with anyone.). It's not an insecurity thing I guess since if it were I would feel fine with the attention I get from the predatory acquaintences that I have. I am uncomfortable with feeling. I hate this sadness. I hate it. I hate being all glum and gloomy. Uninteresting to be around. stupidly and absurdly and ridiculously depressed. I feel.....dim. Like someone unscrewed my lightbulb and put like a 20 watt bulb in its place. Everything is so not cool.
tokyo Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 With insecurities I mean the fear that someone will leave you, whether it's due to external circumstances or because he discovers how you really "are", the hidden side of you. I think as long as you are able to rant here and talk about your feelings you are not that dim yet.
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by kooky With insecurities I mean the fear that someone will leave you, whether it's due to external circumstances or because he discovers how you really "are", the hidden side of you. I think as long as you are able to rant here and talk about your feelings you are not that dim yet. Thanks, kooky. I'm feeling a little better. It just amazes me how I oculd be so joyous for a few days and crash into such bleak blahs the next. And it's not even really drug related since I didn't drink last night (I had one cosmo at the bar while we waited to be seated at the restaurant). I will continue to rant. There is always a to be continued with me....
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 He has to leave on wednesday. But he emailed me saying he was looking through his stuff wishing he had forgotten something at my house so he could come back and say goodbye again because our goodbye this morning was so sad. Usually, I have a very expressive face. I was so sad this morning that I couldn't even look at him, I just kept looking down at the ground and he kept having to tip my face up by putting his fingertips under my chin, and even then, I just looked down, or at his mouth while he talked to me. Because the stupid truth of it all is that I have more feelings for him than I would like to admit. I'm not head over heels. I don't know him long enough or well enough to love him. But what I do know of him, what I have experienced of him, what he has been with me...I love that. That scares the living sh*t out of me. Especially because the circumstances of our relationship are such that I can't overdose on him, get him out of my system, and move on to greener pastures. He parcels himself out to me. He is less educated than me, but seems to know much more about real life. Things I read about in books. Someone who has the balls to just pick up and randomly live in various countries just because they want to...well he has a lot more common sense than I do. I miss him already. It's the missing him part that I never understood before. That's what draws out the lifespan of a relationship, I think. Giving yourself time to miss him.
tokyo Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 You're posts are sometimes too crazy for me too understand, but the feeling that you are describing now I do understand.
Author blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Hooray! He just wrote me and said screw it, I'm coming to see you tomorrow night anyways, even if it's just for one more night. Kooky, I find it hard to understand MYSELF most of the time....
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