prisoner Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 that love you describe. at home at work everywhere i think there is some sanity that love is called 'in spite of'. you love 'in spite of'. the flaws are welcome. the ticks. the tocks. the idiosyncracies. the tradecraft. the sorcery. the lack of whatever. the too much of the other. 'in spite of'.
Author blind_otter Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner what kind of person is BOSCO? is he what you described? can he experience joy? is his misery negative attention getting or do YOU believe he is truly upset. are you automatically feeling 'uncomfortable' because of him? are you responsible for his misery? his happiness/ today? tomorrow? even if you were yesterday i submit that people that comein to your life NEED you but is it fair? is it just? IYO: does he have the right to steal from your happiness. I would venture that 'uncomfortable' is something you would be anyway. I bet that believeing men was not first on your list of things to do today. is it crawling up the list? is scotty making it rear it's head or do you just feel melted just a little? if BOSCO was no more, then would you be overflowing, right now? are you holding back so that you will be alright or so that he will be alright? I know that you are not going to let him just float away but seriously, what becomes of him if you marry Scotty? go exclusive? date more intensely? have the inverse talk with BOSCO? Bosco seems perennially miserable. He hates this town, hates his life, hates his job, hates women....occassionally he'll have a spontaneous burst of happiness. I care about him the way you would feel about a moody cat that has an injury. Or a dog with an obvious limp. Even though an injured animal is prone to lashing out at those who are attempting to care for it, there is a certain type of person that still cares for those things (like me). Which explains why I have 3 dogs and a cat, all stray animals I stumbled upon and am now enslaved to (haha). He doesn't steal from my happiness, I give it away. But I like hoarding this feeling and not sharing it. I like having a tiny little smidge of hope sealed inside my heart, something I can take out and treasure and cherish and then quickly put away. I put back my brash facade and my loud mouthed joking nature. I really do have some sort of feeling but I don't want to jinx anything. I am uncomfortable because I don't want to be a fool for love again.
prisoner Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 it is a korean word that means a deep sadness. beyond depression. it is ubiquitous and cold but underneath it all there is still hope. it was the word surprise that got me started. an unexpected or astonishing thing. was it like 'oh, surprise, surprise'. like when someone tells yuo 'i have never met anyone like you'. or was it like discovery. like you knew it was there and you were just waiting to get to it after some digging. like indiana jones 'surprise'. or was it the han. the modern world has done alot of damage to alot of people. and sometimes we discover bright shiny pieces of hope when all looked barren. an oasis of something we were not expecting. like the nomad who finds the oasis and does not drink because they feel as though it has not been far enough of a trek? yes, i read the alchemist one too many times. yes i think that yoiu were surprised to discover that there may be happiness. no matter where or what or who could be holding you back there is happiness for you out there. in the desert. in the dark. whatever metaphor you want to use. your dogs and your cats think you are kind. i bet they would not be surprised. Merin is right. i hope things work out. at your speed. at your pace. with your pauses. i hope things work out.
Author blind_otter Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 definately han. After my miscarriage I felt like nothing would ever be good or beautiful again. I could learn how to live in an empty world, like that, but I don't think I would ever feel joy. Not that I feel joy when this man contacts me. But I do feel a splash of happiness and excitement. I like being able to feel that again. Feeling something besides the aching cold and numbness that has been inside my heart for many years. The description you give, is perfect. Like a nomad who wanders into an oasis but does not drink because they feel they have not travelled enough. My Dad always said anything worth having is worth fighting for. So...I wonder if I have fought enough, yet, to end my crusade and trot back to the castle and do some housekeeping. I like to use the oubliette as my metaphor. I would like to have a little bit of happiness one day, something with some kind of permanence, that I can rely on, and lean on to take a breath every now and then.
Author blind_otter Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 Raptures, he emailed saying he would come visit me tonight. I feel like such a little beyotch. At least I am getting some fine booty tonight. He's got me whipped. p-whipped in the other "p" sense of the word.
prisoner Posted April 19, 2005 Posted April 19, 2005 did you mean 'surprise' as in it was inevitable? you know if you think so then do you believe there are more dominoes in the row? i think we can agree that the nomad is doomed to wander thirsty because he did not get enough water while he had the oasis at hand. is there an inevitability if you and Scotty go exclusive? do you think there is? i mean, is there a fuse lit somewhere? what is hiding under that trap door in the floor? it was something you wrote that got me thinking. your dad was right about something worth fighting for. but there is no such thing as cursed. what word did you use? jinx? it is okay to want what it is you want. knowing that it takes work and time and work and more time now that is the trick. knowing that it will not come overnight is the gift to where you have been before. you deserve the happiness you want. you deserve something more than a little permamnent. if it is the white picket fence then say it. know it. believe it. if it something else then know and think that. just know and think something. it sounds as though this could be your time. in your own time of course. besides, didn't you explain that you are 'emotionally unavailable'? has that changed? enjoy your evening.
prisoner Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 i will take that to mean that you enoyed your evening.
Author blind_otter Posted April 20, 2005 Author Posted April 20, 2005 I did. I do. He surprised me by coming last night and he is staying all day at my house. He drove me to work. He got up out of bed at 7:30am to drive me to work. I wonder what he's doing all day. He is making me feel good. The more I like someone the less I like to talk about it. Does that make sense? He motivates me to get up and do things. I adore him.
prisoner Posted April 20, 2005 Posted April 20, 2005 do not protest too much. a paraphrase but a true one nonethe less. it is a good policy. sometimes you have to keep your own counsel. is he homesick this weekend coming? i know all my froiends from glasgow are all congregating without me (in Glasgow) this weekend. maybe he doesn't care about the BIG game. i would ask him anyway. if it's a no then so be it. if it is a yes then just know that may be the case. maybe he is in the US to get away from it all. take good care of each other. it's the only way.
Author blind_otter Posted April 21, 2005 Author Posted April 21, 2005 Like it matters much anyways. I am such a dork. I was all pissed off when I got off work yesterday when he came to pick me up. Being around otter when she is pissy is not fun. There is, initially, forced laughter. Then I lay back and fully recline the car seat and bitch about everything and cover my face and sigh and just lay there silently and occassionally say "I'm not pissed at YOU, I'm just in a bad mood in general." Then he bought me a snack and, to top it all off, when we got home he had tidied up my whole house and mopped the floors (which is an almost daily chore for me because of my dogs). He was probably bored out of his MIND waiting around for me, enough to actually clean my house. I asked him if he ever got homesick and he said nope. I fished around about this weekend and he said nope. He wants to come to America in a bad way, I guess. He often says "if I stay home" when he talks about home. Plus we are supposed to go to the beach together this weekend, to a cool town on the east coast of the state that has the oldest european-built building in N. America in it (the castillo de san marcos). How can he miss the big game when he gets to lay in the sun next to my hot bod? And then he laid me down and kept my mind off things all evening. But I still feel uncomfortable with feeling anything at all about anyone. Someone called me at 3am, coked up and drunk and WTF, it's WEDNESDAY, don't f-cking call me at 3am on a WEDNESDAY. a**h***s. It was this stupid guy. But my scotty was noticeably miffed. He asked if the guy was calling for booty, but then again he heard me bitch that f_cking ashole out on the phone and then hang up abruptly. Blah. I am taking the night off and we are hanging out this weekend. There is a voice in my head that screams "terminal relationship" but I can't figure out if it's just me and my insecurities or what. He does so many nice things for me. He made last night totally about making me feel better because I was so whiney and upset about my stupid day. I didn't realize that was what he was doing until today, though, because I was insecure the whole time we were hanging out. But why would he be spending to much time with me if he weren't at least a little bit fond of me. Actually I could think of a lot of reasons. Men like me because of my body and my sex. Very few men really like ME, and that's what I ache for. I know I am strange, I have a weird sense of humor and I can be a bit blunt sometimes. I'm messy and hard to live with. I have ugly toes. I forget to trim my hair and currently my right thumbnail is horrifically chipped. I just want someone to be enamored of ME for all my faults and all their own misgivings. I want what I cannot have. I want what I give away too easily.
prisoner Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 step by step, right? the first thing to remember is that comfort is as unattainable as the love itself. it is okay to struggle a little bit. it is okay to wonder what people's motives are. it is okay to take a while to 'get' what people are up to. You have to remember that you know yourself and there are a few things that you have to keep in mind. Your relationship has moved to a new plane very quickly. there is going to be some turbulence as the craft settles. Next, it is still your space. Blind otters that take their mattresses in to the living room for a few days LIKE their space and like to do what they want with it. it is natural that his cleaning would make you feel a little displaced. Also, do you usually have someone to vent to? I get off work and rarely speak to anyone for hours sometimes. It is strange when I get home and there is someone to talk to. It takes time to get used to sharing space. remember that I mean the space in your head, too. You may want to consider turning off your phone. And putting that fool who called on high alert. One more move and the smart bomb. you do not need that. You are going to be insecure a little. it's okay. Wouldn't it be harder to swallow if you felt all mushy and gushy and it all came too easily? Do not hide who you are. that is the thing that will kill it. he has to get to know the wierdness and the sense of humor and the toes and the as far as living with goes- he is still a guest, right? you haven't failed to mention a trip to the post office? Just take deep breaths. do not hide from him. he has to adjust as much as you. And almost finally... You have mentioned several times that men do not like ALL of you. Only the bits they can see. Loom at him. are you atrracted to him? do you have along way to go before you know him? HIM? Are there bits that you see that you wouldn't trade away? Are there bits you would? I can only suggest that it is only a problem if you feel him dismissing all the wonder that is intangible B_Otter. You have to give him the chance to be dismissive. then worry about it. unless he has done something that has made you suspect? Now I am serious because while this is a major potential problem with all sorts of other problems it is important to know if it is a problem with HIM. let him dismiss the you YOU before the alarm bells ring. you are smart enough to know when things are not going your way. Now finally (I have a deadline) 'terminal relationship' means one of two things to the prisoner here. First I am all too familiar with that particular primal scream. Second, I learned an exercise that can help. Look right at him. Imagine the 30 second kiss but don't do it. Then keep looking and then ask yourself whether or not things would feel the same if you had kissed him. Worse, maybe? better? it is not a mind game. it is just a way to catch yuor thoughts. Where yuo asre right now makes them move very fast. See, it is all about boundaries. It is all about protecting yourself, right? when yuor head screams just run the quick drill. It will either make you ask a question or resume programming as normal. If you aska question yuo are usually (not always but most times) pissed about something and the screaming is your feeling encroached upon. I went through this. i still do. It is so easy to see the end of things. That's why you need to pause sometimes. the end you imagine moves further away if you let it. I hope that makes sense. You just need to breathe sometimes, right? It is hard to imagine why you deserve what you get. especially when it is a good thing. Good news about this weekend. Have a good time. He may very well be that someone you describe. that elusive rogue that is 'enamored' of YOU. Is there a time limit, though? Should he be ahead or is he too far ahead already? All of those things are why the ONE will like you. You can have what you want. You have to see it though. I mean you do not seem closed minded but you have to remember that emotional availability does not run like electricity. it is more like faith. there is no switch but without it nothing runs very well. take care
Author blind_otter Posted April 22, 2005 Author Posted April 22, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner step by step, right? Next, it is still your space. Blind otters that take their mattresses in to the living room for a few days LIKE their space and like to do what they want with it. it is natural that his cleaning would make you feel a little displaced. Also, do you usually have someone to vent to? I get off work and rarely speak to anyone for hours sometimes. It is strange when I get home and there is someone to talk to. It takes time to get used to sharing space. remember that I mean the space in your head, too. Ahhhh, you are a pretty cool individual. pieto a pieto. Yes blind otters who move their mattresses into their living rooms do like their space. I only have someone to vent to if I telephone someone. Or my dogs, they will definatley listen, with heads cocked to the side...they are used to me venting at them, though. And they don't talk back or get personal issues in reaction to my pissed off moods. The fool who called me will not be getting any more otter time. He has used up his bank of stupid mistakes. Wouldn't it be harder to swallow if you felt all mushy and gushy and it all came too easily? Yes, you are right. I would be even more suspicious if he weren't guy-like. I can't hide who I am, anyways. As popeye says, I yam what I yam. Since I have a short-term memory disorder, I can't really lie well. I can't keep track. So I just try to be as brutally honest as possible. Whoever responds best to that will like me. Loom at him. are you atrracted to him? do you have along way to go before you know him? HIM? Are there bits that you see that you wouldn't trade away? Are there bits you would? I can only suggest that it is only a problem if you feel him dismissing all the wonder that is intangible B_Otter. You have to give him the chance to be dismissive. then worry about it. unless he has done something that has made you suspect? I am attracted to him. I notice it more and more. Especially last night, more on that later. He is so....contained, compared to me. I am splayed out there for everyone to see and appreciate. Or hate. I can't control how other people respond to otter, I learned that long ago. I wouldn't trade away any part of him. Of course there are things I am insecure about. I hope that makes sense. You just need to breathe sometimes, right? [color=red]It is hard to imagine why you deserve what you get. especially when it is a good thing[/color]. This is my problem. I can clearly see why I deserve bad things. Harder to be more clear about why I deserve the good... Is there a time limit, though? Should he be ahead or is he too far ahead already? I dunno. He already asked me to get married to him so I suppose he is a little far ahead of me. HAH. But I want to see him in his home element before I make any longterm decisions about him. All of those things are why the ONE will like you. You can have what you want. You have to see it though. I mean you do not seem closed minded but you have to remember that emotional availability does not run like electricity. it is more like faith. there is no switch but without it nothing runs very well. Emotional availability is a scarey thing. I was talking about this last night.... Ok, so here's the strange thing that made me think of my Scotty last night. We didn't spend last night together so I hung out with Bosco because he and I haven't seen each other in a while. He was salty about some girl he met last Friday not calling him back. He came over and we watched a certain cooking show together because we both like watching it. Weird coincidence. I am touchy feely, with my friends and lovers and family, very huggy and european kisses on both cheeks and all that stuff. We were snuggly on the couch together and I kept kind of longing for the way scotty's body feels against mine when we snuggle. Bosco is really tall and lanky, Scotty is shorter and more compact. It was strange things I missed. Little idiosynchrasies. In the same token, I enjoy the time I spend with Bosco in its own way. He suggested a drive and we drove out to the cow pastures and saw the sunset and then I suggested a movie and we went and it was hilarious because he lets me talk through the whole movie, we giggle and whisper like 10 year olds. It was great, I love horror movies. There is always this current between us, though. When I went to hug him goodbye at the end of the night it was weird. There was this moment where we were going to kiss each other and I stopped short and turned my face away and laughed it off, and then I pulled him back because I saw he was uncomfortable, and I kissed his cheeks and hugged him really hard and quick and pushed him away. My body responds I suppose. His body responds. Neither of us wants to do anything about it and are activfely seeking lovers. But it's just so strange, the quality of our relationship. Last night we spent 6 hours hanging out together. Honestly this is something dangerous that borders on more than friendship. I don't understand it. This is the danger of being a feather in the wind and just floating wherever the wind takes me. On the one hand, options being open is good. I am not dating anyone else besides scotty, for now. But what if I visit him in glasgow and he is a total ass? There are still too many variables. But at some point I will have to decide on ONE path, and follow it to whatever end it will take me.
prisoner Posted April 22, 2005 Posted April 22, 2005 I used to do this thing. i would meet a girl get to know her and then eventually if we started dating i would go on the hunt. I would look for that one thing (nylons, pets, family issues) that I could use to end it all. Not as the 'reason' but the spark to light the fuse. I would hear a little click in my brain and then I would know that the end is on it's merry way. I would smell that perfume one too many times. i would hear that answering machine over and over again. I could not bear the thought of... you get the point. I have to say that you must try and NOT have any expectations of Glasgow. Your experience there is going to depend on the level of anticipation. Your fish out of water is going to get his air back. you may feel overwhelmed and I am concerned that will block yuor view. It will be hard. it will be fun. It will be Scotland. I also am forced to at this point to remind you that you cannot eat your cake and have it too. if you actually believe that you deserve the bad then you cannot ignore the physics of logic and dismiss the equal and opposite. you deserve the good MORE than the bad is the truth. We can argue that until the cows come home but it is the truth. YOU deserve more than just the bad. you deserve the good more. the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. remember that because bad things happen. and you have to understand that good things happen too. More frequently actually. I can prove it. i dare you to ask me how. Oh and you don't have to understand every relationship you have to the point of heisenburg. It is okay to just simply like what it is. friendship is the thing with all the variables. See, it is clear to me that you have chosen a path. it is clear to me because I am several million bytes removed, though. I have no way of knowing what yuo are FEELING. i never will. no one can. To you it is all coming into focus. Don't rush that process Otter. It is yours and no one else's. later (i have to present now)
shamen Posted April 24, 2005 Posted April 24, 2005 Hey B_O, Sounds like things are going well with Scotty. Really happy for you! I completely sympathize with the urge to flee and your need for independence. Insecurities and wondering what the deal really is, how could they really like you? We've all got our issues and I don't think that I've dated anyone without them. The point somehow to me is finding someone where you can both deal with each other's issues. Sounds like he's a good compliment to your openness. Don't let the fear get the best of you here; you sound like you've walked away from many of a relationship where something could be good, but you're not ready to deal. I'm with you. Take the time to see where this goes... Curious evening with Bosco. It's probably a good thing that the kiss didn't happen with him. Bad timing. You too obviously care for each other...
Author blind_otter Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 What a strange, fun weekend. Weird. I had my fist argument with Scotty but he seemed unphased. I was so bitchy and pissy. He was laconic as usual. The first time over the weekend on friday night that we had sex I could *swear* that he said "I love you", but it's so hard to understand him and I just kinda froze up. For like 2 days I froze up and was forced and weird until he finally asked me what was wrong but I dissembled, which is unusual for me, and me, ME, who can't usually shut up to save her life or her job, I was unable to verbally express anything about how I felt or what I wanted. He said he was afraid that someone else would steal me away while he was gone. Also said he dropped the greencard thing and stuff entirely because it was making things "complicated" with me and he wanted to simplify. But he wants me to come to Scotland in June, come hell or high water, and is returning to the states for another 3 months in August. It doesn't help that twice, TWICE now I've gotten random phone calls from people at like 3-5am even though I don't do the booty call thing, how random. Oh blah. Since we almost kissed on Thursday I haven't talked to Bosco. He called last night, first to break the silence, but I was out having dinner with scotty (who only has 2 more weeks here) and I got home late and didn't return his call. Likely he won't answer me when I call him for a few days because he is a game player like that. I do have feelings for him, but when Scotland is holding me I don't seem to want anyone else. After we argued, about our "status" -- because he was insecure about me getting hit on by the numerous male friends I have, I was just pumped full of bizarre insecurity. A nameless, restless angst. I was filled with the overwhelming desire to push him away by being nasty. Making myself undesireable. He was unphased and saw through the artifice of this tactic. I tried to tell him to go home. He wouldn't. That's precisely what I need. He just stood right up to me and told me I was being insecure, childish, and bitching about nothing. I apologized a few times. The second time I apologized he smiled and touched my face and said that he had already forgiven me but it was nice to know that I was sincere.
prisoner Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 step by step. i have to say i am impressed. are you taking your deep breaths? are you looking right at him? as it sounds, i think so! that is very exciting to say the least. please please please don't turn your back on the victories you are describing. please don't look too far beyond the moment you are having now. if the need (desire) to consider your feelings three weeks from now comes up- call him, kiss him, do anything you can. the here and nows are important. it is not a surprise that he cares for you. you deserve the good things that are happening. you even explained that he has what you need. very cool. you are covering alot of ground in a short period of time. were you relieved when he abandoned the green card sitcom? is simple better or worse? June should be fun. as for BOSCO? Is this a record? I once went three months no words after an almost kiss. i tell you the night that i did not take her hand and kiss her after we turned that corner changed both of our lives forever. the next time we talked she was talking about her new love. she invited me for brunch. i have not seen her to this day. there is no way to decide what to do. there is no way to know which way it will all go. follow Polonius' advice. to thine own self be true. you know what you want. just breathe and choose to take it. it is good that you are happy.
Author blind_otter Posted April 26, 2005 Author Posted April 26, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner step by step. i have to say i am impressed. are you taking your deep breaths? are you looking right at him? as it sounds, i think so! that is very exciting to say the least. please please please don't turn your back on the victories you are describing. please don't look too far beyond the moment you are having now. if the need (desire) to consider your feelings three weeks from now comes up- call him, kiss him, do anything you can. the here and nows are important. it is not a surprise that he cares for you. you deserve the good things that are happening. you even explained that he has what you need. very cool. you are covering alot of ground in a short period of time. were you relieved when he abandoned the green card sitcom? is simple better or worse? June should be fun. as for BOSCO? Is this a record? I once went three months no words after an almost kiss. i tell you the night that i did not take her hand and kiss her after we turned that corner changed both of our lives forever. the next time we talked she was talking about her new love. she invited me for brunch. i have not seen her to this day. there is no way to decide what to do. there is no way to know which way it will all go. follow Polonius' advice. to thine own self be true. you know what you want. just breathe and choose to take it. it is good that you are happy. Am I taking breaths? I HAVE to sometimes, because like you said, I look straight at him. I get dizzy. I don't know what to think. I want him. I mean, obviously I want him physically because we are a good match together. He is the perfect height (tall men don't go well with a 5' tall chick). Sometimes I get riled up by him. It's just funny we are comfortable together. I am comfortable in the moment. I was relieved. VERY, to be honest, relieved. I finally came out and said that I couldn't just lie to my family and not tell them what I was doing, or tell them the truth and face their disdain. I guess I gave him an ultimatum and said that if he was just looking for a way into the country to find another candidate because I wouldn't do that. He said there aren't any other candidates. Then he was silent and stared off for a moment and then when I brought it up again he said he was dropping the whole thing but that he still wants me. And to be honest I was shocked, it was almost a ploy to push him away. A test I guess. Because what if he had agreed that he needed to look for some other woman? I would have been sad. But I wanted him to somehow prove to me that I wasn't just some convenient b*tch that he hung out with to try to get a greencard. That would be a lot of pretending, holding hands at candle-lit dinners and all that crapola just to get into the country. And I do this weird thing when I am in arguments where I cover up my face - I usually get into my bed and cover up my whole head with the blankets, literally hiding my head in the sand. He didn't think I was bizarre-o for doing that. He climbed under the covers with me and talked to me in the little tent I make. I definately AM a total WEIRDO! But instead of pointing it out to me, like my ex often did, he just got weird right along with me.
prisoner Posted April 26, 2005 Posted April 26, 2005 well who did the right thing? BO, that's who! who went out on a limb? BO that's who! who is an example to all those risk averse neurotics who let things fester? BO, that's who! seperated by bytes and wrapped in warm anonymity i am as proud of you as i could be. that took a lot out of you and you should do something that makes you happy and let that comfort in the moment do nothing but comfort you. don't ask it to explain anything or fix anything or be something it is not. just let it surround you like warm water does. and please remember that sometimes he has to come in to your world so that he can do all of that GETTING YOU that we discussed. he will be suggesting the mattress go in the living room. or he will come home with a stray. what would you do then? step by step. i am going to keep reminding you.
Author blind_otter Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner well who did the right thing? BO, that's who! who went out on a limb? BO that's who! who is an example to all those risk averse neurotics who let things fester? BO, that's who! Remind me again because I am bucking like a horse that smells a predator. My eyes are rolling back into my head. I want to RUN. There is a voice screaming in my head to push away push push him away so I won't get involved. Won't get hurt. I guess partially because I was talking to a friend yesterday who admitted that he was sleeping with a girl that he knows is crazy and he might even fall into a relationship with her. But I hear him talking such foul things about her. And I know she crazy because she has scars on her arms where she used to cut herself. CUT herself. Ick. I might be unstable, but not THAT unstable. Anyways, I just feel like sending him an email telling him that it's been nice but that I am afraid of getting hurt by him so I feel that we should abrogate our little arrangement and cut it off now, so that we have our good memories to share of the last time we were together. So it won't dribble out into an existential smear of anxiety and discomfort. Like every other relationship I've had. I don't want to go to Scotland. I don't want to visit him. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to see him again. I had nightmares last night and tossed and turned. He called me last night and the conversation was terse and clumsy. He reminded me that he was leaving in 2 weeks. I know. I KNOW. How can he be so anxious that I will be stolen away by someone else, while he's gone, when he doesn't want to claim me in the first place? I know I'm dynamite in the sack. That's not important to me because I have good sex with most partners I've had. You know what? screw that. I want someone who will fight for me. My Dad always said anything worth having is worth fighting for. I'm tired of being a convenience for someone. Some hot crazy chick that he hung out with for a while. I had a nightmare about my ex last night. I was in the prison that he's at and saw him across the rec yard where he had visitation with his parents, and he saw me and stood up. One of my friends was whispering in my ear that he was going to yell out that he still loves me. But when he stood up I noticed he looked different - that he was profoundly retarded. He said all I was was a bartender. Then, my friend and I went inside a building and I figured out that the only way out of the prison was to go UP, into the ceiling. We ended up in the playground area of a kindergarten, and there was a derelict, much-used latrine and I had to literally dig through sh*t to find a cellphone that was ringing. And then the disembodied voice on the other end of the line laughed and I heard a cellphone ringing inside a cubby of one of the children in the classroom. I awoke feeling confused and upset. I had tossed and turned and knocked over things and thrown pillows during the night. I was disgruntled. I had puffy circles under my eyes. And a knot of anxiety in the middle of my chest.
prisoner Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 first it is imporatant that we establish something: i am not here to tell you what to do. I am not making demands of you. it is important that you please remember that i will not judge you and i will not support anyone but you. i am never going to see things from his point of view. i am your ally. second it is imporatant that you have some chocolate or some vanilla right before you go to sleep. about an hour before is fine. i ahve never been one to subscribe to natuiral remedies but i experienced fitful sleep at the beginning of my most recent intense relationship and was advised by one of the more sane people i know that it is only a magnesium deficiency. the loving zaps the magnesium and taking vitamins takes too long to get it back in your system. the chocolate or vanilla is better. third: i feel you BO. i do. i can hear you loud and clear and while you whinny away in the field (just keeping up with the metaphors) i am tempted to remind you no matter how far you run you will still need to be watered and fed and brushed and reshoed eventually. now for some rhetorical questions: do you feel comfort and then discomfort? are you tempted to just get back into the wind? now for some straight talk: what you describe is a terrifying DREAM that only highlights alot of what we have discussed. BO, your past is not out to get you. what hascome before is not trying to chase you and hurt you. you can move forward and have a healthy and positive relation ship. will it take time?> is it important that there are very slow and deliberate things that make up that relationship? are you feeling overwhelmed because this man has now occupied both the real world and the BO world and you do not just let anyone in? are you distressed that he has seen so much of you yet it is imperative that he understand the treasure of the YOU? Listen to me: okay read what i have to write and offer but you understand: you being happy is the most important thing. being vulnerable is pokay. that is why you take it step by step. you dealwith each insecurity as it comes. you don't dismiss it you get it out and shine the light on it. too many people RUSH in this crazy little thing called love (sorry it's soundtrack day). will you miss himif you do not see him? be honest with yourself. it is okay to miss him. if scotland is too much then see him when you get back scotland will always be there. there should be no rush to get you there. and tell this man to pick you up and buy you some tulips and take you to dinner and kiss you goodnight and then call you ten minutes later and tell what a great time he had. tell him that the YOU is screaming for his attention too and he had better make sure that he understands the pressure you are feeling. relieved one day. tight in the chest the next. this man has you on tenderhooks. listen to a song. do a dance. break a sweat. oh and the talking was clumsy because it was after such an intense weekend and you felt forced to talk. something earlier in the day had you cooking but by thetime you went to bed you were short on magnesium and high on a cycle you had picked up over the last few days. hazard a guess: you should have eaten more, right? today you have acraving for something you do not normally eat? it is just a guess. it is what happens to me. oh and you do know what you are talking about.
Author blind_otter Posted April 27, 2005 Author Posted April 27, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner do you feel comfort and then discomfort? Yes. Definately. are you tempted to just get back into the wind? Yup. I'm "shopping" again. It's a way to give myself emotional distance. I convince myself that I don't need him, other, better men want me and will pursue me if he won't. are you feeling overwhelmed because this man has now occupied both the real world and the BO world and you do not just let anyone in? Yup. No one gets in. I am sometimes emotional and I externalize things, because it's a way to keep people away from the heart of me. You know? Like that species of bird, the ones where the mother will fall onto the ground and flap around like she's injured to distract predators from her young? That's me. Distract people from the vulnerable heart of me by being "out there". Oh thank god for the relative anonymity of the net. My cheap therapist. are you distressed that he has seen so much of you yet it is imperative that he understand the treasure of the YOU? I am distressed because my biggest fear is that I have revealed too much of the monster that is me, and that he is reacting to and withdrawing from that. I am paranoid that he has lied to me and afraid that he was just using me for citizenship, and since I took that possibility away he is no longer looking at me with any interest. will you miss himif you do not see him? be honest with yourself. it is okay to miss him. I will miss him, that snotty bastard. I always say that to him and he says, oh do you really? Like an ass. and tell this man to pick you up and buy you some tulips and take you to dinner and kiss you goodnight and then call you ten minutes later and tell what a great time he had. That would feel too much like artifice to me. I wouldn't presume to demand that he pander to my wishes when I can't even justify wanting that to myself. But it would make things simpler. Yes, I have been hungrier. I haven't really been eating well. I attributed this to my hormones. I am afraid that I have gotten myself entangled in something I don't understand. I am afraid I have made assumptions based on "vibes". Nothing clearly outlined or spoken outright. And according to current pop psychology trends, if he doesn't declare it with an open heart, then "he's just not that into me".... I wanted to say that you have been very helpful to me. I am thankful for the words and advice. I have difficulty understanding myself, matters of the heart make things cloudier. He is a feather in the wind. He has no clear idea of where he will be in the next year, much less 5 years. I am a feather in the wind, too, but I have a tether on me, my family here in the states, who I am very close to. I am a devoted daughter and sister and aunt. I love my family. I am beginning to think too far into the future again. I always do that. I suppose it a woman thing. Always clucking over something. Jeez what is it with the animal analogies today?
prisoner Posted April 27, 2005 Posted April 27, 2005 you know yourself better than you admit. it is a strength to know where you are and what is going on and when you are floating and when you are standing still. the breeze just warm enough to make you smile. a little. one step at a time. it is strength to know that you are a daughter and a sister and that you have friends. all of those things mean more than you realise perhaps. he is the one who hasto come to you. if he does not then shopping it is. when did you decide? oh and one last thing: eat.
Author blind_otter Posted April 28, 2005 Author Posted April 28, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner you know yourself better than you admit. it is a strength to know where you are and what is going on and when you are floating and when you are standing still. the breeze just warm enough to make you smile. a little. one step at a time. it is strength to know that you are a daughter and a sister and that you have friends. all of those things mean more than you realise perhaps. he is the one who hasto come to you. if he does not then shopping it is. when did you decide? oh and one last thing: eat. I will forever be surprised if someone loves me, ever again. I talked with my exhusband on the phone last night. He knows about everything that goes on in my life. Living vicariously, I suppose, from prison. (as always, disclaimer: This is NOT the psychotic ex I currently am a witness against. This is my ex/husband who has been in federal prison for over a year, incarcerated before I started my relationship with the psycho). I am melancholy today because of what he said. He said that he will always love me, and it hurts him to see me flitting around like a little butterfly, seemingly unaware of the direction I should move in. He knows how traumatic my miscarriages were, and that my biggest goal in life is to be a mother, as I think that's the most important job in the world. Of course jealousy probably plays a factor in how he advises me. He doesn't even want me to consider him as a suitor until after he gets out of prison and re-establishes himself and has his own place to live and a job and a car and savings. Things that he says, i should demand. I get carried away too easily. Like a stupid feather in the wind. I get carried away by emotions and infatuation. I always have a plan to make it a fling and things end up confused. Scottish guy should stay a FLING. He and I should not pursue anything more. I like the fantasy, the pretend idea of what might be. But the reality is too much for me to deal with. So I should stay single. I should stop shopping and just freaking stay SINGLE. Now I just have to decide whether to go ahead and clear my conscience and email him and tell him that I can't do anything else with him, or whether I should just let sleeping dogs lie and just avoid talking to him any more. He always called me. I never called him at all, not even to call him back. I'm done. I don't want to feel anything right now. I have too much on my plate, with the neurological testing for my seizure disorder, and the issues still very much open with my ex/husband. He will always be very special to me. Talking to him doesn't break open old wounds so much as remind me of why I will always love him the deep and enduring way that I do. I am just too mentally f*cked up to be able to give him what he needs and have a stable relationship.
CurlyIam Posted April 28, 2005 Posted April 28, 2005 I think you're scared to be happy. Sorry, BO, but you were married when Mr.T came along, when Mr. Bosco started courting you and when the Scottish boy approached you. You're so ready to come up with the most incredible excuses only to push people away from you. And when your hubby will come back you'll push him away also. O, this isn't funny anymore. don't send no email and accept to be loved, for once in your life. This guy seems crazy about you and he's being this honest and open touches a cord deep inside, isn't it? Don't send him no email and don't push him away. Don't do anything, BO. Just let him love you. You need this especially because you're being tested etc etc. that's my advice for today. You can't run away forever.
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