New to this, I'm late 30's and just blindsided

[Lonely hearts]

I've been around and had significant relationships and heartbreaks. But after a few years of being single and going on many failed dates...I meet this amazing man. He was as into me as I was him and it moved fast (at his persistence)

Neither one of us is young and naive so I took a good long look and I trusted in him and that he truly wanted to be exclusive and date seriously. Everything was a dream we got along great were so attracted. We kept up a daily text beater that was funny and caring. He even introduced me to his friends and was affectionate with me around them. They said he talks about me all the time Basically I fell head over heels and thought I'd finally found my one. That's not easy for me. I've dated a lot of men and it takes someone special for me to fall for. We had a great weekend together....then I woke up to a break up text. E said he can't see me anymore that he has a wall up due to his last relationship (7 months separated) and can't make an emotional connection with me (I wanted to give it more time) but he said he could feel himself pushing away. I didn't even get the respect of an in person talk. I'm devastated beyond belief. Yes it was a short time (5 weeks) but we connected fast. I can't believe he just went from being so sweet and affectionate even around our friends to just boom, out of his life.

I can't cope with the fact I will never see his face again or touch him or talk to him. And he just threw me away after making me feel like the most beautiful etc. etc women. Don't know how to get through this. I'm 38 and I know I'm a good catch and can't get my head wrapped around this. I'm so sad and I miss the hell out of him. Yet I should be angry. Hope it's ok to vent and my story isn't too boring. Hope to get some insight/ or support or shared stories. Thanks

[jen1447]

Aw, I'm sorry hon. It always sucks, no way around it. Let's start w/a girl-hug before anything else.

 

It might help to go thru your feelings in more detail. What's in your heart and your head specifically right now?

[d0nnivain]

It was 5 weeks, not a lifetime. I know it hurts & I am not trying to diminish your pain but if you were the 1st person he dated after his prior relationship ended, I think he's really telling the truth that he's not ready.

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you're hurting so much.

 

Here are a few tips I put together to help myself. Some of them might be helpful for you.

 

************************************************

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 1.5 litres a day, for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. There is always someone to talk to.

 

***************************************************

 

Love,

 

Satu

[Jessie1231]

I had the same experience with my last boyfriend. I was the first person he dated since his marriage ended, and we definitely jumped in way too fast. Our first lunch date turned into a five hour lunch, and from that day on we were inseparable. We spent all free weekends together, lunch dates every day, phone calls and texts in between. He decided he was falling in love and we should be exclusive. And I was all for it.

 

Our break up kind of reminds me of yours too, except we had gone on a weeklong trip to Europe together. He dumped me at Heathrow while waiting for our flight home. Nice. Said he realized he just wasn't ready for a relationship. That was true, but it didn't make me any less devastated. I mean I was a wreck.

 

The best thing to do at first is to accept being sad for a bit. It's going to happen. But delete his number. Do not contact him, you'll regret it and I say that from a terribly embarrassing experience after my break up. Don't stalk him online - nothing good will come of it. Even if he is sad, it's not like he will announce it online. And you'll over analyze every little thing you find. It will make you crazy.

 

Just trust that everything you feel now someone has felt before and has survived just fine. It will take a bit of time, but it does pass. Sorry you're going through this.

[andie1969]

I'm sorry. I know how you feel, it just happened to me 2 weeks ago after only dating him for 6 weeks, but like you we also spent a lot of time together, met friends, etc. I got a text that said, "I've been thinking and I'm not sure we're in the same place with all of this". I replied something along the lines of "wow, ok, well let me know if you'd like to talk because I'd hate for this to end due to a misunderstanding". Nothing...total silence, and yes after 2 weeks I'm still hurt and confused. So, I really don't have any advice because I don't know what to do either, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

[Cinnamonstix]

I feel your pain. Consider yourself fortunate it only lasted 5 weeks. Pretty similar boat as you except my RS was 6 months and we fell for each other. Hurts a lot more now than it would if it had ended at 5 weeks (I actually tried to end it around then because I could tell he wasn't ready).

 

And now he keeps contacting me and dragging it out.. probably out of guilt.

 

I don't want to say anything hopeful to you like he might give you a call in the future when he is ready, as hope really keeps you stuck. You just have to move on unfortunately so that you will be ready for someone amazing again. And now you know not to get involved with someone so soon out of relationship, and the importance of taking it really slow.

[Lunay]

Aww I am sorry to hear this.

 

It reminds me of a guy i dated. We met and he was having some issues so I told him to contact me when he got his life sorted. He did, about a month later... I wanted to take things slow but they sort of went really fast. Mostly on his part. We had talked and hung out for about a month or so, before I decided to sleep with him. Our feelings for each other were intense, I honestly thought he was "the one". I truly believed we were perfect for each other.

After we slept together over the course of the week he became distant and eventually I asked him what his deal was. Now all of a sudden he was unsure of his feelings etc. This was also over text. He basically dumped me on Christmas day. I never spoke to him again.

 

I hate to think he was just telling me what I wanted to hear, and make a months worth of effort just to sleep with me. I think back and wonder if this was really all just a game to him or if he had commitment issues. Why would he even bother getting himself together and contact me again? I had so many unanswered questions.

 

Unfortunately a lot of guys do work this way, and make a huge effort just to sleep with a good woman.

I am not saying this is the case, but it sounds just like what I went through. Did you sleep with him?

[Lonely hearts]

Ok, like I said I realize it was a short time. But a little background, I've been through a divorce plus a relationship where I found out too late he was a heating narcissist. I've been through some hell.

So I don't know if the past is compounding my feelings now but I don't think so. I've been waiting and searching for the right man and finally this one comes I to my life. He pursued me and I was right there with him. I had my doubts but he was very open about his past relationship and convinced me he was done and I had everything he was looking for. He was excited about me and we got along perfect. His break up text was total and completely out of the blue. And oh yes, we were having sex but I waited until we had at least 6 or 7 dates. And he said his feelings went way beyond attraction at that point. It was an adult relationship. I was absoluty crazy about him and again, I'm not naive, I was careful. So anyway, I feel the usual I guess. Empty, crying, sad, angry and I miss him soooo so much. Can't imagine never seeing his face or hearing his voice again. How can someone go from one extreme to another like that?? I am praying he will contact me...but I will not be the one to do that ever. And he is not on social media so that is a non issue. I'm just devastated all around and keeping it together at work is very difficult. I was SURE he was finally the guy I was meant to meet.

[Cinnamonstix]

This might help you make sense of everything:

 

?Time? isn?t the only factor when considering dating a separated or recently divorced person | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I'm the guy on the other end of this equation. I met a girl online a couple of weeks ago. Things accelerated and I pulled the plug. I'm still stuck on my ex(what brought me to LS). I hurt this new woman, I realize. We lasted about four dates. No sex. Lots of making out. I just couldn't give to her emotionally what she wanted to give to me.

 

It's not your fault. You're dealing with a broken person. Hopefully, like me, he'll realize that he's not ready for dating and refrain for a while.

 

I don't know if the two of you were intimate but that changes the equation, in my opinion. He should have had more foresight. I knew by the end of the second date that something was not right for me.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you a speedy recovery and better luck in the future.

[Lonely hearts]

This might help you make sense of everything:

 

?Time? isn?t the only factor when considering dating a separated or recently divorced person | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

Thanks that article did help

[Lonely hearts]

OP, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I'm the guy on the other end of this equation. I met a girl online a couple of weeks ago. Things accelerated and I pulled the plug. I'm still stuck on my ex(what brought me to LS). I hurt this new woman, I realize. We lasted about four dates. No sex. Lots of making out. I just couldn't give to her emotionally what she wanted to give to me.

 

It's not your fault. You're dealing with a broken person. Hopefully, like me, he'll realize that he's not ready for dating and refrain for a while.

 

I don't know if the two of you were intimate but that changes the equation, in my opinion. He should have had more foresight. I knew by the end of the second date that something was not right for me.

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for your hurt. I wish you a speedy recovery and better luck in the future.

Thanks for your prospective. So I get I was the rebound girl. But he dud have a few first dates before me and then he met me and was attracted etc. I think he got excited and saw me lots asked to be exclusive said all the right things. It was hot and heavy and yes intimate, not only sex but cuddling hand holding arms around me in public. Lots if eye contact. So I know it was more than just trying it out. Then he realized he couldn't do it for whatever reason. As a dude that's been in a similar situation as his, if you took some more time to heal and felt better...would you ever think about the rebound again? Maybe a stupid question that I shouldn't even be contemplating...but I am hoping

[SycamoreCircle]

Thanks for your prospective. So I get I was the rebound girl. But he dud have a few first dates before me and then he met me and was attracted etc. I think he got excited and saw me lots asked to be exclusive said all the right things. It was hot and heavy and yes intimate, not only sex but cuddling hand holding arms around me in public. Lots if eye contact. So I know it was more than just trying it out. Then he realized he couldn't do it for whatever reason. As a dude that's been in a similar situation as his, if you took some more time to heal and felt better...would you ever think about the rebound again? Maybe a stupid question that I shouldn't even be contemplating...but I am hoping

I've gone out with and hooked up with a lot of women since my BU. The sorry thing is...most of these women are so much more mature and established than my ex. Yet, I'm stuck on my ex! There's just all that emotion.

 

Yes, you're right. You shouldn't be contemplating it. But to answer your question---I recognize that I made a serious faux pas in dating. You don't start something with a woman and then end things and then come back expecting her to take you seriously. No woman worth her salt would tolerate that. And if she did take me back, it would lower my esteem for her.

 

If I was this guy you've been intimate with, I'd be having a serious guilt trip. He burned you. What he did was lousy, weak and pathetic. You've got a man that seriously doesn't know who he is and what he wants. And the damage he's caused is only adding to the baggage he must deal with. Do you want to wait another year for this guy? Because that's the bare minimum I'd give him to sort his mess out. And that's if he's very proactive.

 

You deserve better than that.

 

There are men out there that are attractive, mature, have their stuff together and are emotionally available. Don't waste your time on someone who is stuck.

[jen1447]

Ok, like I said I realize it was a short time. But a little background, I've been through a divorce plus a relationship where I found out too late he was a heating narcissist. I've been through some hell.

So I don't know if the past is compounding my feelings now but I don't think so. I've been waiting and searching for the right man and finally this one comes I to my life. He pursued me and I was right there with him. I had my doubts but he was very open about his past relationship and convinced me he was done and I had everything he was looking for. He was excited about me and we got along perfect. His break up text was total and completely out of the blue. And oh yes, we were having sex but I waited until we had at least 6 or 7 dates. And he said his feelings went way beyond attraction at that point. It was an adult relationship. I was absoluty crazy about him and again, I'm not naive, I was careful. So anyway, I feel the usual I guess. Empty, crying, sad, angry and I miss him soooo so much. Can't imagine never seeing his face or hearing his voice again. How can someone go from one extreme to another like that?? I am praying he will contact me...but I will not be the one to do that ever. And he is not on social media so that is a non issue. I'm just devastated all around and keeping it together at work is very difficult. I was SURE he was finally the guy I was meant to meet.

 

People always find a way to let you down, don't they?

 

Do you have anyone you can hang out with? Mainly I think you just need to be pissed and vent for the short term.

[Lonely hearts]

I have my mother and friends that will let me vent and give me advice. To a point. But it's temporary. It's the third day and waking up and realizing it all over again is the worst feeling on earth. Never again will I get a "good morning beautiful". I can't handle the fact I will never see him again. I can't cope with this. I'm dying inside, missing him so much I can't breathe. And am beyond deviated knowing that it's fine for him, he can just cut me off and move on like nothing. I'm laying in bed crying and hard to find the will to get up.

I know everyone that has had their heartbroken knows the feeling. But this is my worst so far. Only a few days ago I was telling my friends that I finally found this amazing man, he's perfect for me and they will love him. So much happiness and excitement.

Now I can't face the world without him in it. He never even game me the chance to respond or tell him how I felt. I have the urge to write him an email....I know I shouldn't right?? Will he miss me?? It was short but so intimate. We shared jokes and text banter all day, he told me about work...he would stop by if he had 5 min just to hug and kiss me. He pursued me, he took me to meet his friends, and they all said how much he talks about me. I can't do it this time.

Please I dont get how this man could just be DONE. I miss him soooo damn much!

Thanks for letting me vent.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Lonely hearts

[SycamoreCircle]

I promise all the things you think you'll never feel or hear again, you'll feel and hear again.

 

Your friends, the ones who really care about you, will understand what you're going through and empathize.

 

Allow me to get on my soapbox. Dating is complicated these days. Communities are exploded. We live in places we didn't grow up next to people from other countries who will probably leave when they earn enough money. Suspicion abounds. Surveillance pervades. We refer commonly to people we encounter as stalkers and sociopaths. Everything gets more expensive. A small portion of the population lives on a radically different scale than the rest of the population. Sexual dynamics have changed radically. Everyone is plugged into their devices and oblivious to what's going on around them. Everything is instant, including love. We make problems for ourselves, then make solutions for those problems which in turn make more problems.

 

In brief, trust and self-awareness are in short supply. It's hard to be consistent in such an inconsistent environment.

 

You're going to get through this. This guy was not all that he made himself out to be. He was going through the motions, performing the rituals which make a good boyfriend, but there was emptiness underneath. I'm sure it felt good to him for a time. The simulation of a loving relationship can feel true, for a time. But ultimately it's a simulacrum.

 

Be glad that you found out now and not a year down the line.

[Lonely hearts]

For andi1969

 

Posted in the wrong place!!! Not sure how to change

 

Thanks and I'm sorry about your situation too. I honestly can't understand how someone who genuinely liked and was excited about us (and I believe he was, unless it was all an act, but I've been around and he seemed so sincere) can just throw is away like used Kleenex. He made me feel on top of the damn world. I bragged about him to all my friends, he's so hot, great job, so funny, we had a great banter and shared sense of humour etc etc. we talked all day, so WHY, can he just throw it away completely?? And not care at all about what it may be doing to us??

I'll never understand. I can't stop hoping hell text or show up at my door...and I wish I was a stinger woman who could say **** him I don't need him. Except I fell in love and only feel that stomach churning loss. All summer plans gone. All fun texts gone. All the cuddles and hug gone.

It's been a couple weeks for you... Is it getting better?

Edited April 22, 2015 by Lonely hearts
Oops posted in the wrong place!

[Lonely hearts]

I promise all the things you think you'll never feel or hear again, you'll feel and hear again.

 

Your friends, the ones who really care about you, will understand what you're going through and empathize.

 

Allow me to get on my soapbox. Dating is complicated these days. Communities are exploded. We live in places we didn't grow up next to people from other countries who will probably leave when they earn enough money. Suspicion abounds. Surveillance pervades. We refer commonly to people we encounter as stalkers and sociopaths. Everything gets more expensive. A small portion of the population lives on a radically different scale than the rest of the population. Sexual dynamics have changed radically. Everyone is plugged into their devices and oblivious to what's going on around them. Everything is instant, including love. We make problems for ourselves, then make solutions for those problems which in turn make more problems.

 

In brief, trust and self-awareness are in short supply. It's hard to be consistent in such an inconsistent environment.

 

You're going to get through this. This guy was not all that he made himself out to be. He was going through the motions, performing the rituals which make a good boyfriend, but there was emptiness underneath. I'm sure it felt good to him for a time. The simulation of a loving relationship can feel true, for a time. But ultimately it's a simulacrum.

 

Be glad that you found out now and not a year down the line.

Thanks Sycamorecircle

 

Everything you say helps and rings true. I so think he got excited about the prospect of a different and easy relationship. He told me he was ready and didn't want to date around, I had everything he was looking for and he would be stupid to take the chance of letting me go. So he was fully in and it felt wonderful and seemed to be the same. But your right, there probably was emptiness underneath. I was hoping we'd continue dating,and slowly work up to a strong emotional connection while having fun. Which is what dating is. I'm devastated he quit after 5 weeks, claiming he didn't feel an emotional connection. Not even giving me the chance to talk about it with him or offer to slow it down nothing. Maybe he wants his ex back. Maybe he really is just closed down and not emotionally available right now. But that he is willing to throw me away for good after "trying it out", ugh. Worst. Why the hell jump fully in in the first place instead if just casually date to see where it goes? I'll never know the real story. But in the meantime what puts the icing on the cake for me is knowing that it gets harder and harder to find what I'm looking for (like him) once you hit late 30's. And everyone is going to have baggage. Like him.

[andie1969]

For andi1969

 

Posted in the wrong place!!! Not sure how to change

 

Thanks and I'm sorry about your situation too. I honestly can't understand how someone who genuinely liked and was excited about us (and I believe he was, unless it was all an act, but I've been around and he seemed so sincere) can just throw is away like used Kleenex. He made me feel on top of the damn world. I bragged about him to all my friends, he's so hot, great job, so funny, we had a great banter and shared sense of humour etc etc. we talked all day, so WHY, can he just throw it away completely?? And not care at all about what it may be doing to us??

I'll never understand. I can't stop hoping hell text or show up at my door...and I wish I was a stinger woman who could say **** him I don't need him. Except I fell in love and only feel that stomach churning loss. All summer plans gone. All fun texts gone. All the cuddles and hug gone.

It's been a couple weeks for you... Is it getting better?

 

Thanks, yes it's been so confusing! I too told all my friends how he seemed too good to be true, how we instantly clicked and shared so much with each other, talked all about our crazy families, etc. I don't know if it's gotten "easier", I still miss him like crazy and think about him every day, and like you, still hold onto hope that he'll come to his senses and call or email saying he screwed up. However, I've been forcing myself to go out with friends and do stuff because I don't want to give him the power of making me sit home alone feeling sorry for myself. I too wish I could just say f him and forget he ever existed.

[Lonely hearts]

So, sending a final message is ALWAYS bad right??

I want him to know how it all felt to me and that I'm

Angry he didn't let me talk to him or that he didn't just talk to me about having second thought when he had soooo many chances. That I grew to care a out him and what happens to him in the future. He has a dangerous public job and this month there is a lot going on.

Ok, just wanted some support to tell me it's not a good idea no matter what to send anything even though he did not give me a chance to respond.

His last text was this...

 

 

You're right. Sending you a text was lame. I should of met you somewhere. Sorry for that. I know it came as a surprise. I was really struggling with it, what to do. At this point, as much as it sucks, I think it's for the best. I could feel myself starting to pull back. I didn't want to lead you on. Even now, it's the same. Clearly I'm not ready for something like I thought I was. I'm sorry it went this way.

 

Uuuggghhh. Thanks for spending the day with me before and having sex and being intimate again the night before ass. Makes me wonder if it's something I did. But it's more likely something going in with his ex. Brutal.

[Lonely hearts]

And yet I hope so badly he'll miss me and make contact!

[jen1447]

It's okay to write the message/e-mail/letter, just don't send it.

 

Ok, this is gonna sound goofy but just trust me on it if you will. You need to be touched by people. I don't mean sexually, just human contact. Literally touched. What you're going thru right now is a 'feel-good' chemical withdrawal in the brain that's pretty much the equivalent of detoxing from heroine. One of the things that hooked you and allowed you to get your fix was touching him. It's often overlooked, but touching is a HUGE human interpersonal component. So if you can get someone to even just hold your hand for a while, it'll help. Totally serious here. Please do it.

[Lonely hearts]

It's okay to write the message/e-mail/letter, just don't send it.

 

Ok, this is gonna sound goofy but just trust me on it if you will. You need to be touched by people. I don't mean sexually, just human contact. Literally touched. What you're going thru right now is a 'feel-good' chemical withdrawal in the brain that's pretty much the equivalent of detoxing from heroine. One of the things that hooked you and allowed you to get your fix was touching him. It's often overlooked, but touching is a HUGE human interpersonal component. So if you can get someone to even just hold your hand for a while, it'll help. Totally serious here. Please do it.

Thanks. My mom held my hand for 2 hours while I was crying the other night. And I actually do massage for a living so I get a lot of touch. I know I have to go through this and I'll get out the other side. But it's him. It's him I'm aching for and the thought of never having him again. I wish he would come to his senses and see what he had. But he won't, because he already decided either he couldn't feel deeply for me or it was just too much. He made me love him then cut me off. Miss him to death and can't stop!!!

[Zapbasket]

So, sending a final message is ALWAYS bad right??

I want him to know how it all felt to me and that I'm

Angry he didn't let me talk to him or that he didn't just talk to me about having second thought when he had soooo many chances. That I grew to care a out him and what happens to him in the future. He has a dangerous public job and this month there is a lot going on.

Ok, just wanted some support to tell me it's not a good idea no matter what to send anything even though he did not give me a chance to respond.

His last text was this...

 

 

You're right. Sending you a text was lame. I should of met you somewhere. Sorry for that. I know it came as a surprise. I was really struggling with it, what to do. At this point, as much as it sucks, I think it's for the best. I could feel myself starting to pull back. I didn't want to lead you on. Even now, it's the same. Clearly I'm not ready for something like I thought I was. I'm sorry it went this way.

 

Uuuggghhh. Thanks for spending the day with me before and having sex and being intimate again the night before ass. Makes me wonder if it's something I did. But it's more likely something going in with his ex. Brutal.

 

I love SycamoreCircle's post above, because I think it very clearly depicts the emotional landscape that shapes the fate of our loves these days. It doesn't mean things HAVE to go the way your relationship did, but it definitely is a broader reality with which we all must deal (which doesn't mean, either, that we must "accept" it--that's a recipe for becoming emotionally closed-off and jaded).

 

But look at the communication he sent you. How have we come to find it acceptable that these kinds of communications are EVER appropriate to send over text? The whole chemistry of an interaction is different when you are face to face versus in front of some electronic gadget. It's NOT the same thing AT ALL. You communicate differently, say different things, when you are face to face, and that's before even taking into account the incredible amount of non-verbal communication that takes place when in another's presence. No matter what is communicated via email or text, to me it screams avoidance. It's like someone whispering through a hole in a wall. Why the wall?

 

Perhaps this is more the "norm" these days, but to me, a grown person relying on text to communicate anything but where and when to meet in person screams immaturity, weakness, and lack of awareness of the emotional world around them as well as lack of self-awareness. A thinking, feeling person would NOT rely on text like your ex did.

 

Whether it's true that he wasn't interested or wasn't ready doesn't matter--he's not a person of depth and maturity that would make a good partner. It's easy to elicit "Cloud-Nine" feelings in another person in the first 5 weeks of knowing each other. He knew the right moves, but they weren't motivated by the right impulses. You can't build a life with someone so disconnected from who they are within.

 

Look, I could have broken up with my ex many times over during our relationship if I'd believed text or email was acceptable. I would vow that I was going to break up with him (the relationship was very problematic), and then there he'd be, with his hopeful eyes and arms outstretched, and my heart would melt and I'd balk. I promised myself that only when my resolve was such that I could look into those vulnerable blue eyes and say, "K, I don't want to be with you," would I ever end things with him. My inability to do that through the duration of the relationship was a demonstration of deep-seated issues of mine, so even if breaking up was the right thing to do, and I could have effected it via text, doing so would never reflect my inner world. That's the real me, the real way I feel...and yeah, I'm smart and self-aware enough to recognize that. Your ex was not.

 

All this said, I'm so sorry for what happened and I can just imagine the confusion you're feeling, and the huge sense of being let down. I also relate to the late-thirties thing and feeling like it's so hard to meet someone at this point who really wants and is maturationally ready for marriage. But I try to tell myself that all it takes is one person, and none of us is "entitled" to finding a great partner--it happens, or it doesn't, and it doesn't mean we're lacking either way. Hold your head up; better to be single than to be in a relationship with the wrong person.