Author whirl3daway Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 WHERE did I say "love" had no part in it?????????? Am I missing something? Because somebody is missing something or reading things into my post that I didn't say. And the OP didn't say anything about not loving either, nothing. Yeah, I'm confused about some of the responses on this thread. A lot of assuming and projection, in my opinion. 3
preraph Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Yeah, I'm confused about some of the responses on this thread. A lot of assuming and projection, in my opinion. Defensiveness, I guess. I don't like people trying to put words in my mouth to make me look bad. That whole thing was fiction. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Can't speak for Robert, but he kinda posted what I thought I understood when I read your post - which I didn't agree with. I just don't see myself "supportive" of what the OP appears to be doing - which is not marrying for a desire for family and kids, but rather as an attempt to repair a bad childhood. I don't see that she wants to repair her childhood I see that she wants a family life and she is seeking that which is GOOD, who would deny that a person should go for what they want in their life :confused:? But, I didn't reply to your post cuz eh, everyone has a right to interpret...but I just feel I gotta back up Robert here... I don't see why that needed backing up, one guy's horrible experiences with women and special needs for a lot of babying are not common, there really are guys out there with the same family goals as the OP and she just has to find them. A guy who shares her priorities WON'T be feeling that she is using him just to have kids or that she is gonna beat him down into suicide for heaven's sake, he will be GRATEFUL and HAPPY that he found a woman who feels the same way he does, sheesh!! Of course there will be a lot of guys who are not on that page, they don't need to have anything to do with each other!! 3
Author whirl3daway Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 I don't see that she wants to repair her childhood I see that she wants a family life and she is seeking that which is GOOD, who would deny that a person should go for what they want in their life :confused:? Haha okay - I'm glad you said this, because I included the part about my childhood to show that I don't take pregnancy/etc lightly... not that I'm trying to make up for it. I've spent years healing from it through therapy and journaling and DBT and mindfulness and I can say I'm in a really good place and have been for awhile now. In fact, one big reason I didn't have children before this is because I wasn't healed from my childhood.
sweetjasmine Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 Also... is this something that I should be ashamed about, that I want this kind of life? I can't give you any advice on online dating, but I've always been the same way as you and managed to find a wonderful man who has the same goals. I was up front about what I wanted, and so was he. We didn't talk about it that early on, but I honestly can't remember how it went down because it happened naturally, and though it took time for both of us to be sure of the other, I don't think either of us had doubts about the general goal of finding a partner to marry and start a family with. It is absolutely NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT. There's no shame in wanting a family with children and there's no shame in not wanting that, either. I actually think it's insane that anyone has any doubt that it's not shameful to want a family. It seems like the men on this site are pretty jaded towards women who want to get married and I'd like to avoid making anyone feel bad about things like that. Well, a man who is jaded towards women who want to marry is a man who is never going to be what you want or need. Be honest about what you want out of life, and those men will reveal themselves to you so that you each can go your separate ways. It's not your responsibility to worry about their feelings. You want different things. Who cares if someone doesn't like your life goals? Would you feel this way if there were a group of people who were jaded about women becoming engineers when you really wanted to be an engineer? Would you go out of your way to avoid making anyone feel bad about the fact that you actually want to become an engineer? Would you feel ashamed about becoming an engineer? Don't compromise big picture life goals like this just because someone else has a chip on their shoulder. Forget people who don't share your values and goals and focus on finding the ones who do. 3
Author whirl3daway Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 It's not your responsibility to worry about their feelings. You want different things. Who cares if someone doesn't like your life goals? Would you feel this way if there were a group of people who were jaded about women becoming engineers when you really wanted to be an engineer? Would you go out of your way to avoid making anyone feel bad about the fact that you actually want to become an engineer? Would you feel ashamed about becoming an engineer? Don't compromise big picture life goals like this just because someone else has a chip on their shoulder. Forget people who don't share your values and goals and focus on finding the ones who do. This entire post is so good! Thank you for this, Sweetjasmine. When you put it this way, I see you are right. A life choice is a life choice. I don't judge those who don't want to get married or have kids negatively - that's their prerogative, so I guess I should look at my own life goals the same way. I think sometimes when I read the posts from men on this site [like Robert Z, or even women like Gloria], I feel saddened because they seem so jaded about life and children and marriage and really, women in general. I'm like "oh god, what if I make other men feel like this because I want to have kids and get hitched!?"
xxoo Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 I share your goals and your values. I married the man I loved and wanted to have a family with. The man that loved me and wanted to have a family with me. Not the richest or highest status or tallest or whatever, but the man who would be the best husband and father. I can't imagine it any other way Be honest about what you want, with yourself and with the men you date. There are men out there who are looking for a likeminded woman. 1
DatingDirection Posted April 27, 2015 Posted April 27, 2015 There is no shame in wanting a life filled with love and children out of love.What is shameful is that, we feel we need to hide these desires when dating me, b/c we're afraid this will scare them off. So why is that? is that because we feel men date to get laid and that's it, when it's only natural, we need love in our lives, that's what were here for to connect with each other and love. The way society is constructed today, is so backwards. I think it's time for women to start asking men for what they need, love, and stability.
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