The real reason I want to get married...

[whirl3daway]

... is because I want to provide a stable, loving family to children. This is not to say that single folks can't provide that to their children, but it does seem a lot harder going it alone.

 

I had a really tumultuous childhood and it's made me extremely paranoid about unplanned pregnancy [never had one]. A lot of people on this site think women want men for money, social power [whatever that means], whatever else.

 

Not me. I want to marry someone and be married for the rest of my life and I want to provide the best life possible for future kiddos. I want to marry someone who respects me and I him, who is attracted to me and I him, who has his **** together because I do, and I want him to be a great dad. I'm 27, have my own car and place, am putting myself through school and have a full time job that I've held for 8 years.

 

Pray tell... how do I find this man through avenues like online dating? Is this something that should be saved till we have in depth conversations? Is there something I should put in my profile?

 

Also... is this something that I should be ashamed about, that I want this kind of life? It seems like the men on this site are pretty jaded towards women who want to get married and I'd like to avoid making anyone feel bad about things like that.

Edited April 21, 2015 by whirl3daway

[itsdinaah]

I would suggest that you put in something that says you are looking for a serious relationship. No games just honesty and good character. It is nothing you should be ashamed of. It is actually admirabe in this day and age.

[Gloria25]

IMO, marrying for the sake of recreating/repairing an unhappy childhood is for the wrong reasons...

 

I seriously believe that was my dead sister's motivation in wanting a kid and/or marriage with just "anybody"...but, her tireless pursuit only ended up with another damaged childhood and life for the kids she left behind.

 

Yes, my fav podcaster has stated many of times that we have two chances for a childhood - the one we grew up in and the one we create for our kids...but still, to marry and/or have kids to just to fill a childhood void, IMO, is wrong.

 

If you had a sucky childhood, go volunteer at Big Brothers/Big Sisters and do self-therapy to work out your issues...Children, a marriage, a family are big responsibilities and aren't created so we can use them like Barbie and Ken to fantasize about how we wished our sucky childhood would/could have been better.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Gloria25

[preraph]

You are getting married for all the right reasons. But finding the man that wants the same thing, you will have to really keep your eyes open so you don't waste a lot of time. Also, you'll have to do things to increase the odds. Like they say second marriages fail even more than first ones, which fail plenty, so maybe you don't date a divorced man. You'll have to find out about their values. It's easier to talk about values in the first couple of dates than it is about having kids. Because that scares off even the guys who want to have kids because they don't want to be pressured or crowded into anything.

 

So talk about values and goals. Try not to go off about all you want is a stable home for kids until he brings up the subject of family. But you can say right from the start that you are only interested in a serious relationship that will eventually down the road lead to marriage and family. You can put that in your profile and other guys will still just try to bang you is the problem. But you can put it. Then find out if their job is stable, what their goals are in employment, how long they've been at their different jobs, how long-term their other relationships have been, etc.

 

Just don't blurt out "I just want kids" and scare them to death right out of the box! And don't sleep with them right away. It's a terrible double standard out there but it's out there. So just think of not sleeping with anyone at least the first couple of dates as another filter you can use to weed out the ones just looking to get laid (unless you really really want to get laid, of course, but then don't expect them to hang around).

[Robert Z]

You are getting married for all the right reasons. But finding the man that wants the same thing, you will have to really keep your eyes open so you don't waste a lot of time. .

 

 

Yes, finding a man who doesn't even put love on the list of reasons for getting married is going to be pretty tough.

 

 

OP, but sure to tell any potential mates that you really just want children and not a marriage.

Edited April 22, 2015 by Robert Z

[preraph]

Yes, finding a man who doesn't even put love on the list of reasons for getting married is going to be pretty tough.

 

 

OP, but sure to tell any potential mates that you really just want children and not a marriage.

 

Robert, I guess you misread my post because the excerpt you put up of my quote and what you wrote don't make any sense. If you were trying to put words in my mouth, then stop.

[bachdude]

I think the greatest gift you can give your kids is an awesome marriage.

 

Without that you not only cheat your kids but yourself.

[Gloria25]

Robert, I guess you misread my post because the excerpt you put up of my quote and what you wrote don't make any sense. If you were trying to put words in my mouth, then stop.

 

Can't speak for Robert, but he kinda posted what I thought I understood when I read your post - which I didn't agree with.

 

I just don't see myself "supportive" of what the OP appears to be doing - which is not marrying for a desire for family and kids, but rather as an attempt to repair a bad childhood.

 

But, I didn't reply to your post cuz eh, everyone has a right to interpret...but I just feel I gotta back up Robert here...

 

Sorry if we misunderstood your post

[Ninjainpajamas]

... is because I want to provide a stable, loving family to children. This is not to say that single folks can't provide that to their children, but it does seem a lot harder going it alone.

 

As well-intended as this may be, these things are just not simply wishes you have and then they magically they come true. If it was that easy then people would just be creating these situations left and right, but look around you at relationships and families...that's the reality, and they are far from ideal. It's about incompatible, it's about communication, respect and getting along. You can say you want all these things in advance and try to look for someone ideal that you think is perfect for the role, but it doesn't mean it's all going to come together they way you think or they ultimately behave like you imagined...that's not how life works.

 

I had a really tumultuous childhood and it's made me extremely paranoid about unplanned pregnancy [never had one]. A lot of people on this site think women want men for money, social power [whatever that means], whatever else.

 

This is a problem...and not a good reason to have a family. Having children is not a way of wronging any rights in your past, those two are completely separate. What you've been through needs to be dealt with within yourself emotionally...that needs to be separated and put into the past as a different category all together.

 

A lot of men also know that women don't just want money, or even social power...those are things that are nice but not every woman goes for them, but they almost always go for commitment...so that's nothing new, among other things.

 

Not me. I want to marry someone and be married for the rest of my life and I want to provide the best life possible for future kiddos. I want to marry someone who respects me and I him, who is attracted to me and I him, who has his **** together because I do, and I want him to be a great dad. I'm 27, have my own car and place, am putting myself through school and have a full time job that I've held for 8 years.

 

This sounds like you more typical rhetoric on an OLD dating profile from a woman. Expectations, "standards", requirements that a man must meet or exceed in your own personal opinion.

 

Men are people too, they don't want to be sized up by what they have, they hate that. They also don't want to meet your expectations just to give you what you want in your life...it feels very impersonal when women start writing up a list of what they want and expect from the ideal man, it's like you're looking for a robot that just services you in all the ways you need to be serviced...and because you've done what you've done in your life, then therefore he has to have done similar or above that..as if his life is somehow supposed to be reflective of yours.

 

And then on top of it, you want the chemistry, attraction and all that other fun stuff...which to women in your position, should just come as this standard expectation...after all, you're not asking for much right?

 

Well you kind of are...you're not really valuing the guy first, you're looking for a prototype man to be apart of your ideal and perfect fantasy...it seems a lot like it's all about you, and very little about him and what he wants or needs, and you only want to know that so you can can check the boxes on his list and get on with what you want.

 

So this is the problem, it doesn't work this way, this is not how you go about dating. It's just not about finding a guy who already fits every single requirement on a list, and then moving on quickly so you can establish your perfect life. And this is where a lot of women fail in their pursuit, and then end up settling for a guy much less up to par...but that's the reality.

 

Pray tell... how do I find this man through avenues like online dating? Is this something that should be saved till we have in depth conversations? Is there something I should put in my profile?

 

Don't you think every other girl asks that question? "Where can i find the "perfect guy" for me? It's just not something you should lead with, it's going to turn a lot of guys off and away, they don't want to be your puppet, it's like how women don't want to be just desired for their looks, guys don't want to be desired for their resources (unless they're trying to get laid).

 

As a woman you've got to be clever, basically trickery. Don't lead with what will scare men away, act aloof, make indiscriminate questions, pretend to get to know the guy even though you've already got your mind made it way before that, try not to act just interested in what he can do for you.

 

Then maybe if you can convince him you're the "perfect girl" and he falls "in-love" with you, then you've got him by the balls and can incorporate "Operation make babies and perfect family"...while you tweak, prod, criticize/critique said man until he becomes exactly what you want...but never really do..I mean as long as he's close enough he should do.

 

Also... is this something that I should be ashamed about, that I want this kind of life? It seems like the men on this site are pretty jaded towards women who want to get married and I'd like to avoid making anyone feel bad about things like that.

 

It's normal, a lot of women just like you out there. It's it something men should be ashamed about for wanting to get laid but not end up committed?

 

But a lot of guys will dodge you like the plague, it's not that they're ultimately not looking for the same thing, but as men we're used to that kind of pressure and expectation and until we find the "right girl" or it's just the right time, he'll likely squirm his way out of it...but when he wants it too, then it's easy and he'll just do it.

 

And that's the best time for you, because then you don't have to fight the guy to make him commit and do everything you ultimately want. And that's why a lot of women try to be the perfect girl for the guy, so that he will do her bidding. Some women are very good at this, others not so much...but yeah it does kind of depend how manipulative you want to be or what options you're willing to settle for, or you just get lucky and the right guy falls right into the "trap"

[Auspecial]

... is because I want to provide a stable, loving family to children. This is not to say that single folks can't provide that to their children, but it does seem a lot harder going it alone.

 

I had a really tumultuous childhood and it's made me extremely paranoid about unplanned pregnancy [never had one]. A lot of people on this site think women want men for money, social power [whatever that means], whatever else.

 

Not me. I want to marry someone and be married for the rest of my life and I want to provide the best life possible for future kiddos. I want to marry someone who respects me and I him, who is attracted to me and I him, who has his **** together because I do, and I want him to be a great dad. I'm 27, have my own car and place, am putting myself through school and have a full time job that I've held for 8 years.

 

Pray tell... how do I find this man through avenues like online dating? Is this something that should be saved till we have in depth conversations? Is there something I should put in my profile?

 

Also... is this something that I should be ashamed about, that I want this kind of life? It seems like the men on this site are pretty jaded towards women who want to get married and I'd like to avoid making anyone feel bad about things like that.

 

 

No!! OP, please do not be ashamed of your high hopes and very valid desires!!

 

These things are available for you. Society ha changed a lot but there are still many, many, many people getting together for marriage and/or creating families.

 

Its just my opinion that OLD is a waste of time, especially if you also have a full life. I think meeting IRL either just out and about or with interest groups is much more the way to succeed in this!

[whirl3daway]

I guess I find it funny that some of you think I'm being manipulative or selfish. I'm not. That's why I want to communicate what I want early on, so I can find someone who feels similarly. I've healed from my childhood but I would like to try to share the beauty of life with my children. I've learned so much about how lucky we are to be alive and the unbelievably awesome things about space and the universe and love and travel and food and heartbreak that I've learned. I want to give the world a person that I would try hard to let live in a way that makes them happy because there's not enough happiness or true self love.

 

I don't want to manipulate or screw anyone. I want to fall madly in love with someone who wants to give the best we can give to our kids. That's all.

 

I don't know if I'm phrasing this right. I love being alive, and I feel so lucky to experience it. I want to share that with my children and my spouse. I want to make sure I find the right person for that.

Edited April 22, 2015 by whirl3daway

[whirl3daway]

If it was just about having kids, I'd just go to a sperm bank and do it myself. I think it's arguable that the reason life even exists is because of the basic instinct that living organisms have to reproduce. Most animals want to reproduce. It's a natural thing, so why do we shame others for saying we want that? It's totally normal to want to have kids. It's not a "trap" or "manipulation" to be up front about that, is it?

Edited April 22, 2015 by whirl3daway

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's not that you are being manipulative...well at least not yet, I mean if that was the question i suppose you'd just lead with all the "truth" right out front, right? and how are your goals not selfish?

 

There's plenty of ugly little children running/crawling around in the world that need love and care, a support system, family and parents, even a mom would do..even kids with parents and families are in horrible circumstances...what good are you doing, bringing into this world another human being, into this already crowded planet of billions of people? not that you shouldn't, you have the right..but is that exactly, selfless? not really.

 

I don't really think it's so much that women want to be upfront for the sake of being upfront, it's that they don't want the hassle and confusion, and feel that if they just are honest and straight-forward, then in turn that will lead them into getting what they want faster.

 

But once guys scamper off, women realize that doing that, being too transparent early on...doesn't give the guy "a chance" to fall in-love...so they play it cool, try not to act too interested or clingy over a guy they're obsessing over and already creating this future in their heads of what could be.

 

I mean, selfishly, aren't you really planning this whole thing ahead of time? there is no guy in the picture yet, this is about you and your dream...so who are you planning all this with, what faceless picture? how is that in any way personal? should I or some other guy feel special that we get to fill that blank space? is that some kind of honor and privilege? How is that in any way have anything to do with ME, as a person/man? he doesn't even exist yet in your life.

 

Look, I understand having goals and desires...I have them too. But to specifically make this plan, like you've already wrote the script, and you just need an actor to fill the main role or at least the supporting cast which is what it feels more like...then how is that going to even produce an anywhere near realistic relationship, when you don't even have an individual in question that you could create a reasonable relationship and expectation out of?

 

I'm making the same point over and over obviously, but I want you to really get how you're looking at things. You've got the cart before the horse.

 

Looking at your picture and judging by the way you talk, I wouldn't guess you're the manipulative type or out to play any games, you just don't give off that vibe. But what do you think it is that women are doing out there? they're trying to find a guy to fit their ideal expectations...and some women will do whatever it takes to get that with a guy that they want, and unfortunately...just like it works for guys swooning women into bed, it also works for women manipulating men into future commitments that they otherwise wouldn't have been onboard with...but women look at that as more "motivation" and trying to help the guy help himself, help her.

 

I'm going to just tell you at this point how it really works.

 

What happens is, by chance...you meet someone, spontaneously, unexpectedly, whatever. You likely never had a chance to interview them or screen them first to make sure they are the "right guy". All of a sudden this person is just there, the way they are, imperfect and unplanned. You develop a connection, you develop emotions and hopefully you fall in love, and most importantly the other person feels the same way..if you're lucky.

 

Then you start to figure out how compatible this person is or not in the long-term. However before you develop those emotions, and before you fall "in-love", you need to screen and check for red flags and major incompatibilities that would are immediate dismissals. And if you know in your heart this person is not right for you, then you let them go, while you have your head on straight, BEFORE you develop emotions or as with most women you're screwed and it's over with beyond that point...but that should be for something significant, not because they are not everything you've been looking for on paper.

 

You can't pick and choose every quality you want in a guy. You can't know if he's going to be a great father or not. You don't know if he's going to be the love of your life or just the guy you're with raising a family together but wishing you'd have found someone you had stronger feelings for.

 

Real life doesn't give you everything you want in a person, it just doesn't work that way. You need to find someone close enough to your expectations, but first prioritize the PERSONAL and compatible factors into the relationship. You need the emotions, you need the communication, you need similar values in terms of family and what how you see you living your lives, you need to get along but also be able to have a high amount of emotional bond with one another. But you do this once you meet the person. Before that you keep it simple, and look for the virtues in a man you like, rather than this list of crap that isn't going to make any damn difference once you are in a relationship.

 

Men can lose their jobs, have health issues, people have personal issues/addictions/behaviors...there are more important factors than just trying to find a prototype of a perfect guy, and then dating, and then trying to develop feelings for him. It's not that it's impossible, it's just very very unlikely, and you might really struggle and waste a lot of time looking for that guy, that you never really meet.

 

Have a reasonable and solid foundation in what you are looking for, in terms of qualities/virtues in a man, be realistic about that compatibility, care about the important things. Be more open-minded, be more self-aware and critical and realize that you are not the perfect woman either, you might not tick every box on that guys list either. And don't judge for things just because that guy didn't live the same life as you and have the same aspirations or goals.

 

If not, you're going to be dealing with this same situation in your 30's...you're perspective, priorities and requirements are going to change/adjust to the realities of your circumstances, you're going to start dating the not-so-perfect and ideal men anyway, the "good" available men are going to start drying up and you're going to find yourself wishing you were a little more flexible in the past. That prototype guy you've been looking for will be all the more elusive...or married/taken.

 

I'm not saying to settle by any means, but figure out what is REALLY important to you...keep it simple, prioritize what you want in your relationship, or more like what you NEED in a relationship above all else, and find someone who fits into that mold. If you nit-pick, chances are you're going to regret it, and if you loosen your standards too much then you'll end up having a family and maybe a prototype guy in your life, but you'll be missing the romantic fulfillment area because you would have married a guy who is more like a friend and just a good partner.

[CrystalCastles]

Put it in your profile, that you are looking for a serious relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with your desires, and it makes no sense to me why some posters are freaking out about what you wrote in your OP.

 

Loveshack sure is an odd forum sometimes. Men love to freak out on here about how women sleep around way too much these days, how they don't want commitment, how there are no marriage-quality women anymore. And now they're freaking out when a woman actually wants all those things- marriage, commitment, children, etc.

 

I've met plenty of marriage-minded men who want a wife, kids, family and nice house. Actually all my male friends are either wanting that in the future, or already have it. Marriage-minded men do exist, they might be hard to find so just be patient, hang in there, go on some dates and see what's out there.

[Diezel]

I once went out with a woman on a first date who was so "honest" and "forward" and clear in what she wanted to do that she showed me an Excel spreadsheet with a timeline on how she saw her life fulfilling itself. She had exact months/years in which she and her potential mate (In this case: Me) were getting married, buying house, Kid #1, Kid #2.

 

She was 28. Her timeline gave us less than 4 years to do all of those things.

 

Our date ended 15 minutes after.

 

There is something to be said about being upfront about it, but there is also something to be said about being made to feel like that is the endgame and not the actual relationship.

 

Don't be the girl with a spreadsheet.

[todreaminblue]

I feel love should be a motivator for marriage...the first motivator.when you know that you love the person to spend the rest of your life with them...beyond having children....the years and years after the children have left home and still together and not a case of having nothing in common but the children..its hard enough to have a relationship with love than without especially with children in the house they need to see that love as you know only too well probably..children need to see love in action.....

 

 

 

I dont think marriage can be planned before hand....i think it comes down to what the higher power wants for us and knows what is best for us even better than we know ourselves......one of my dreams is to marry a man too..but i dont want a man to just be a father figure to my children...i want a man who can see himself spending the rest of his life with me...through good and bad better or worse...i believe in marriage and i believe in those vows...i dont want anything less than love.....i want a guy to see me for who i am .....and think im special.....and i will feel the same way about him.....what goes into the relationship then before marriage will be love...my kids will feel love see love and know love because i wont settle for just a father figure..i do need a man who will accept my kids...who are basically all nearly grown.....ill still always be a mum to them....

 

i dont think anyone should say to have a dream of marriage is wrong....but marriage for sure,doesnt fix messy childhoods....i have that messy childhood too..marriage doesnt fix problems or make your life you have lived any different or better or less hurtful to remember......it changes your future......marriage is a graceful beautiful union between two people who are going to face life together...to build a strong and lasting relationship takes hard work and effort.....you have a person who will support you through times that arent so good.....and you support them....no tie more important than the oen between man and wife...memories however....will remain......

 

i have basically tried everything possible to forget my childhood..i know marriage will not fix my past......

 

it si wonderful that you want a loving stable family life for future children you have...and it is really hard going it alone as a single mum.......

 

when my step dad married my mum......my nanna told my mum ....dont marry him he doesnt care for deb......i guess my mum found it hard going it alone...and she had her doubts but she married him anyway.....against my nannas wishes so much so my grandparents refused to attend my mums wedding.......

 

my step dad resented me...and i loved him .never understood why he could be so mean to me..i thought he was my real father.......enough said......

 

 

 

marry the man you love who sees you for who you are.who you see clearly who he is.........dont get so caught up in the marriage ideal the perfect two parent family unit and just being in love with the idea of marriage and settle for the guy you dont really love to spend the rest of your life with..but get caught up in knowing the right guy to marry...the right guy to love to step into marriage with.....i wish you well...and i hope you have your dream filled with love all the way with the right guy,right to the alter and children after too.....deb

[whirl3daway]

It's not that you are being manipulative...well at least not yet, I mean if that was the question i suppose you'd just lead with all the "truth" right out front, right? and how are your goals not selfish?

 

There's plenty of ugly little children running/crawling around in the world that need love and care, a support system, family and parents, even a mom would do..even kids with parents and families are in horrible circumstances...what good are you doing, bringing into this world another human being, into this already crowded planet of billions of people? not that you shouldn't, you have the right..but is that exactly, selfless? not really.

 

I don't really think it's so much that women want to be upfront for the sake of being upfront, it's that they don't want the hassle and confusion, and feel that if they just are honest and straight-forward, then in turn that will lead them into getting what they want faster.

 

But once guys scamper off, women realize that doing that, being too transparent early on...doesn't give the guy "a chance" to fall in-love...so they play it cool, try not to act too interested or clingy over a guy they're obsessing over and already creating this future in their heads of what could be.

 

I mean, selfishly, aren't you really planning this whole thing ahead of time? there is no guy in the picture yet, this is about you and your dream...so who are you planning all this with, what faceless picture? how is that in any way personal? should I or some other guy feel special that we get to fill that blank space? is that some kind of honor and privilege? How is that in any way have anything to do with ME, as a person/man? he doesn't even exist yet in your life.

 

Look, I understand having goals and desires...I have them too. But to specifically make this plan, like you've already wrote the script, and you just need an actor to fill the main role or at least the supporting cast which is what it feels more like...then how is that going to even produce an anywhere near realistic relationship, when you don't even have an individual in question that you could create a reasonable relationship and expectation out of?

 

I'm making the same point over and over obviously, but I want you to really get how you're looking at things. You've got the cart before the horse.

 

Looking at your picture and judging by the way you talk, I wouldn't guess you're the manipulative type or out to play any games, you just don't give off that vibe. But what do you think it is that women are doing out there? they're trying to find a guy to fit their ideal expectations...and some women will do whatever it takes to get that with a guy that they want, and unfortunately...just like it works for guys swooning women into bed, it also works for women manipulating men into future commitments that they otherwise wouldn't have been onboard with...but women look at that as more "motivation" and trying to help the guy help himself, help her.

 

I'm going to just tell you at this point how it really works.

 

What happens is, by chance...you meet someone, spontaneously, unexpectedly, whatever. You likely never had a chance to interview them or screen them first to make sure they are the "right guy". All of a sudden this person is just there, the way they are, imperfect and unplanned. You develop a connection, you develop emotions and hopefully you fall in love, and most importantly the other person feels the same way..if you're lucky.

 

Then you start to figure out how compatible this person is or not in the long-term. However before you develop those emotions, and before you fall "in-love", you need to screen and check for red flags and major incompatibilities that would are immediate dismissals. And if you know in your heart this person is not right for you, then you let them go, while you have your head on straight, BEFORE you develop emotions or as with most women you're screwed and it's over with beyond that point...but that should be for something significant, not because they are not everything you've been looking for on paper.

 

You can't pick and choose every quality you want in a guy. You can't know if he's going to be a great father or not. You don't know if he's going to be the love of your life or just the guy you're with raising a family together but wishing you'd have found someone you had stronger feelings for.

 

Real life doesn't give you everything you want in a person, it just doesn't work that way. You need to find someone close enough to your expectations, but first prioritize the PERSONAL and compatible factors into the relationship. You need the emotions, you need the communication, you need similar values in terms of family and what how you see you living your lives, you need to get along but also be able to have a high amount of emotional bond with one another. But you do this once you meet the person. Before that you keep it simple, and look for the virtues in a man you like, rather than this list of crap that isn't going to make any damn difference once you are in a relationship.

 

Men can lose their jobs, have health issues, people have personal issues/addictions/behaviors...there are more important factors than just trying to find a prototype of a perfect guy, and then dating, and then trying to develop feelings for him. It's not that it's impossible, it's just very very unlikely, and you might really struggle and waste a lot of time looking for that guy, that you never really meet.

 

Have a reasonable and solid foundation in what you are looking for, in terms of qualities/virtues in a man, be realistic about that compatibility, care about the important things. Be more open-minded, be more self-aware and critical and realize that you are not the perfect woman either, you might not tick every box on that guys list either. And don't judge for things just because that guy didn't live the same life as you and have the same aspirations or goals.

 

If not, you're going to be dealing with this same situation in your 30's...you're perspective, priorities and requirements are going to change/adjust to the realities of your circumstances, you're going to start dating the not-so-perfect and ideal men anyway, the "good" available men are going to start drying up and you're going to find yourself wishing you were a little more flexible in the past. That prototype guy you've been looking for will be all the more elusive...or married/taken.

 

I'm not saying to settle by any means, but figure out what is REALLY important to you...keep it simple, prioritize what you want in your relationship, or more like what you NEED in a relationship above all else, and find someone who fits into that mold. If you nit-pick, chances are you're going to regret it, and if you loosen your standards too much then you'll end up having a family and maybe a prototype guy in your life, but you'll be missing the romantic fulfillment area because you would have married a guy who is more like a friend and just a good partner.

 

I mean, thanks for listing out all the ways my plan is sure to fail. I guess I'm confused because you make it sound like I have all these needs and requirements, and also that I don't care about being in love with my dude.

 

In my OP, I made it pretty clear that I want a man that I'm attracted to and is attracted to me, with mutual respect, and the same types of goals in life (having a job, wanting kids/marriage). I don't think that's a huge, unattainable list. I guess I'm sort of confused where you're getting the "nit-pick", and also the vibe that I don't care if my man is sick or going to have health problems? That's sort of a given to me in a relationship, isn't it? Every long term relationship I've ever had has included bouts of sickness, of irritability, of imperfection. I think it's what strengthens bonds between people.

 

I have a feeling that you're putting a slant on my OP that I didn't put there. I appreciate where you're coming from and the thoughtful response that you typed out, I really do. But I think you are trying to put something into my words that I did not put there.

 

I think maybe I wrote my initial post too quickly...

when I put something about my tumultuous childhood, I wanted to highlight that I don't take pregnancies/relationships lightly. I've never brought a child into this world because I don't feel ready or have a good partnership. I wrote some aspects of a relationship that are important to me, but not some huge crazy list of needs/wants. I basically just want someone who has his crap together, will love/respect/desire me, and be a good dad. That's basically it. I also don't see how that's a "prototype" for a guy - in my head, these are basic requirements to any successful relationship.

[whirl3daway]

As for "what is it do you think women are doing out there...?" I don't know. Frankly, I don't care what they are doing as long as they are happy. I'm not in a competition with anyone. I don't WANT to be in a competition with anyone. I don't care if men are going to be swooned into bed by women with manipulative techniques or anything like that - that falls into the respect category; if he respects me, then his love for me should be enough to ward away other women that are trying to screw him.

 

I've had long term relationship after long term relationship in my life. I'm 27, and my last relationship was with a man that I really saw a future with and loved very much, who would have been a wonderful father in many ways but he refused to get a full time job. I don't need a man to pay my bills or take care of me, but I do want one who will share the burden of life with me.

 

I don't know, maybe I have an unromantic view of life/love.

[toolforgrowth]

Put it in your profile, that you are looking for a serious relationship.

 

I don't see anything wrong with your desires, and it makes no sense to me why some posters are freaking out about what you wrote in your OP.

 

Loveshack sure is an odd forum sometimes. Men love to freak out on here about how women sleep around way too much these days, how they don't want commitment, how there are no marriage-quality women anymore. And now they're freaking out when a woman actually wants all those things- marriage, commitment, children, etc.

 

I've met plenty of marriage-minded men who want a wife, kids, family and nice house. Actually all my male friends are either wanting that in the future, or already have it. Marriage-minded men do exist, they might be hard to find so just be patient, hang in there, go on some dates and see what's out there.

 

I think the men responding to the OP were just trying to convey that while it's perfectly okay for her to want the things she wants (and I'll go on record saying everything in her OP seemed perfectly reasonable), the man she may want those things with will probably have his own ideas and timetables regarding marriage, children, etc.

 

I'll try to summarize based on what I perceive their message to be: OP, make those decisions as a couple. If you both want marriage and kids, talk it through and figure out a timetable that both of you can agree on. Any man worth his salt will have his own goals and ambitions, and he may want to achieve some or all of them before he's ready to marry and have children. Understand that, and don't expect him to give up on the things he wants in favor of the things you want. I'm not suggesting that you would, I'm just making sure we effectively communicate that to you.

[bachdude]

As for "what is it do you think women are doing out there...?" I don't know. Frankly, I don't care what they are doing as long as they are happy. I'm not in a competition with anyone. I don't WANT to be in a competition with anyone. I don't care if men are going to be swooned into bed by women with manipulative techniques or anything like that - that falls into the respect category; if he respects me, then his love for me should be enough to ward away other women that are trying to screw him.

 

I've had long term relationship after long term relationship in my life. I'm 27, and my last relationship was with a man that I really saw a future with and loved very much, who would have been a wonderful father in many ways but he refused to get a full time job. I don't need a man to pay my bills or take care of me, but I do want one who will share the burden of life with me.

 

I don't know, maybe I have an unromantic view of life/love.

 

What you would like out of a guy is actually one of the most reasonable I have seen.

 

What I got from your post seemed to me to be a bit of "cart before the horse", but I may have misunderstood.

 

It read to me that the primary point of marriage for you is to have kids. Did I understand you correctly?

 

I'm not sure how I would personally feel about being someone's choice for marriage primarily to help them have kids. I think it's great to want kids and have a family but marriage is also so much more than that too.

 

In my opinion, the marriage is even a higher priority than one's children's happiness. As I wrote before, the greatest gift to give your children is an example of a strong marriage.

[whirl3daway]

What you would like out of a guy is actually one of the most reasonable I have seen.

 

What I got from your post seemed to me to be a bit of "cart before the horse", but I may have misunderstood.

 

It read to me that the primary point of marriage for you is to have kids. Did I understand you correctly?

 

I'm not sure how I would personally feel about being someone's choice for marriage primarily to help them have kids. I think it's great to want kids and have a family but marriage is also so much more than that too.

 

In my opinion, the marriage is even a higher priority than one's children's happiness. As I wrote before, the greatest gift to give your children is an example of a strong marriage.

 

I think I haven't expressed myself exactly as I wanted to. First and foremost, I want to find a person who shares the things I listed above with me. I want us to build a life together that fulfills us both. I want us to be very much in love with each other, travel, live our lives in ways that make us both happy. I want to get married also, but that is for children. I wouldn't mind being in a long term unmarried relationship but I wouldn't want to bring kids into it [for practical reasons, really].

 

A relationship with the one I love is of course the #1 priority... but I guess one of the things I really want out of life IS to have kids, so I'd want that to be one of their priorities as well. Does that make sense? I don't want to get married ONLY to have kids, and I have no timeframes or anything like that.

 

I think when writing my OP, I was assuming that people would take it for granted that real love for my partner would be the catalyst of this relationship, but I can see why it would be taken the other way since I did not explictly state that.

[preraph]

Can't speak for Robert, but he kinda posted what I thought I understood when I read your post - which I didn't agree with.

 

I just don't see myself "supportive" of what the OP appears to be doing - which is not marrying for a desire for family and kids, but rather as an attempt to repair a bad childhood.

 

But, I didn't reply to your post cuz eh, everyone has a right to interpret...but I just feel I gotta back up Robert here...

 

Sorry if we misunderstood your post

 

WHERE did I say "love" had no part in it?????????? Am I missing something? Because somebody is missing something or reading things into my post that I didn't say. And the OP didn't say anything about not loving either, nothing.

Edited April 24, 2015 by preraph

[No Limit]

It's okay to want marriage and family lifestyle. Just because the feminism movement praises business women with high wages who screw their co-workers à la "50 Shades of Grey" doesn't mean you have to go that route.

 

Just be sure to pick your partner carefully. Don't ever ignore red flags for whatever reason. And give it time as well; people often simply don't know what they really want, or have a wrong image of what it's really like. Wasn't too long ago that there was a thread in the infidelity forum opened by a guy whose wife had just given birth to their child and he was off screwing his ex.

[thefooloftheyear]

Its great to want that....its lovely if all of that falls into place....

 

But here is the bottom line....

 

You are putting a lot of hope and trust into a total stranger...I'm sure you are aware that the oldest "trick" in any guys book is to tell a woman whatever she wants to hear, so that you can get what you want....

 

Also...People change....They morph...They adapt...What is the "perfect" life for them today will suck like hell after the bills and kids come along...

 

I wish you well....Dreams sometimes do come true....

 

 

TFY

[gaius]

WHERE did I say "love" had no part in it?????????? Am I missing something? Because somebody is missing something or reading things into my post that I didn't say. And the OP didn't say anything about not loving either, nothing.

No, you're fine pre. People are just projecting. Having a marriage primarily based on more practical goals in no way inhibits love from developing.