Feeling unsure in relationship...feel like I should break up with GF but I'm afraid..

[Cristoforo]

I have been with her for almost 4 months now. When I first met her I didn't feel any kind of real spark but I thought I needed to give it more of a chance. After almost 4 months I am still feeling unsure about the relationship. A lot of it is me too. I haven't really had a girlfriend in a while and I joined some online dating sites and this was the first girl I met and I never really tried to date other girls. I have also struggled with depression for a lot of years and issues with self-esteem, confidence and worth, etc.

 

We have a lot in common, but the more I get to know her the more I think our personalities just aren't a good match. She is more outgoing and ambitious than I am, which is fine, but I feel like she might be better suited with a guy who is more similar when it comes to social skills and ambition. I also just feel like she deserves a better guy. Since I have my own issues, I feel as if I can't give her 100%. She deserves someone who will make her feel special all the time and I don't think I can do that.

 

I just don't feel as if I am ready for a relationship. But I am afraid to hurt her feelings by ending the relationship. I feel that if I'm still unsure after 4 months then that is a sign that this isn't right for me. And I feel that it is unfair to her to keep dragging her along any longer. I'm just afraid to hurt her feelings and afraid that I will regret the decision because I won't have this person in my life anymore even though I'm not even sure I want a romantic relationship with her. Any advice? Thanks.

[casey.lives]

My ex left me for a chic with a job and a ride.. and then made a mistress out of my ex friends turned "doctor" wannabe(overnight). Im so relieved he abandoned me for deeper pockets.. and higher peeks. Even if i have it in me to do some serious awesomeness... he would never know. My idea of beautiful life revolves around love anything else takes a back seat.. You sound super calculating.. like it's not a love thing.... DUMP THEM!!!! IF you can't love them and see the best in them.... someone else might. LEAVE!

[Cristoforo]

How do I seem super calculating? In my opinion I am far from it. Just because I'm unsure of the relationship means I'm calculating? It'd be different if we were together for years and I still felt this way without doing anything about it, but its only been a few months. I'm just trying to see if others agree that I should end the relationship.

[SilentiousBird]

You haven't mentioned anything in your post for reasons on wanting to stay together. I think you already have your answer on what to do. It might be best to sit down and talk to her about how you feel, saying exactly what you said here, before making a final decision though.

[Zapbasket]

Don't you think it's kind-of on HER to decide if she "deserves a better guy"? She obviously sees something worthwhile in you if she is still with you after 4 months. Are you sure your doubts about the relationship aren't really doubts about YOURSELF rearing their ugly head? Has she called you out on your lesser ambition and outgoingness? Maybe she likes being with someone who is a little mellower than she is. Maybe to her, you're not "lacking," but rather have strengths where she has weaknesses, and in her mind, you balance each other.

 

If you don't want to be with her, then don't, but don't leave because of what you *think* she wants and needs. Leave because you're not getting what YOU want. From what you've written, frankly this all sounds like a case of insecurity on your part, and left unaddressed, that's going to be with you in any future relationship, whether or not it's with a less ambitious, less outgoing, less pretty, less everything woman or not (and why would you want that, anyway?).

[Cristoforo]

Don't you think it's kind-of on HER to decide if she "deserves a better guy"? She obviously sees something worthwhile in you if she is still with you after 4 months. Are you sure your doubts about the relationship aren't really doubts about YOURSELF rearing their ugly head? Has she called you out on your lesser ambition and outgoingness? Maybe she likes being with someone who is a little mellower than she is. Maybe to her, you're not "lacking," but rather have strengths where she has weaknesses, and in her mind, you balance each other.

 

If you don't want to be with her, then don't, but don't leave because of what you *think* she wants and needs. Leave because you're not getting what YOU want. From what you've written, frankly this all sounds like a case of insecurity on your part, and left unaddressed, that's going to be with you in any future relationship, whether or not it's with a less ambitious, less outgoing, less pretty, less everything woman or not (and why would you want that, anyway?).

 

A lot of it is my insecurities. But should I be with someone if I have so many issues with my own security and self-esteem? Also, she has called me out and has been bugging me to work on my resume and look for another job, which has kind of bugged me. And I don't think I am getting what I want, I just don't feel happy when I'm with her, but then again, I don't feel happy when I'm alone either. I just think I need to focus on my own problems and not complicate someone else's life.

[mightycpa]

I've been going back and forth on this, but as of your most recent post, I think you're right.

 

One of two things is going on... you're not happy with her, or you can't be happy. If it is the former, then do both of you a favor. If it is the latter, then do her a favor.

 

Frankly, if you are both as you describe, it is only a matter of time before she clues into this and dumps you anyway.

 

My two cents.

[dancingsunflowers80]

It sounds like you have a difficult decision ahead of you, but it's always good to talk it out. Maybe telling her everything you've mentioned here would be a great place to start? Will be praying for ya to make the right decision.

 

mommato2lilmonkeys

[ZiggyZoo]

The ONLY "good" breakup I had was with a guy that I just didn't feel it with. Like you, I tried to wait it out, but after about six months, I pulled the plug. It was hard, because I still cared about him and hated the thought of hurting him. But the same reasons I did it apply to you. In a nutshell, you both deserve to be with someone who has no hesitations or doubts about how they feel about you.

 

If you're also not sure if you even want to be in a relationship, it isn't right either. Yeah, it'll hurt, but it'll hurt more a year from now. Listen to your gut.

[d0nnivain]

4 months is 120 days. You should still be in the honeymoon period but since you want out, get out now. The longer you wait the worse it will be for her.

 

Your reasons for wanting out -- that she deserves a better guy -- are not that persuasive. Even if you are insecure, she picked you for a reason. If you are unhappy that's on you but still the longer you stick around the more she's going to think everything is good.

 

You can't help but hurt someone's feelings when you end a relationship but they will get over that faster then being used.

[Cinnamonstix]

Your depression might be making it difficult to have a spark with anyone. You should start therapy if you haven't. Either way, it sounds like you just shouldn't be in a relationship until you are able to be happy on your own.

[Cristoforo]

In a strange twist she actually broke things off with me tonight. Guess she did me a favor. She said that she could tell I wasn't happy and that she wasn't happy and that while we had a lot in common after 4 months she just wasn't feeling the romantic connection. I guess it's for the best and she did what I didn't want to do.

[mightycpa]

it is only a matter of time before she clues into this and dumps you anyway.

booo-yaaah!

 

Congratulations, OP. You got what you wanted, and you didn't have to do the heavy lifting.

[joseb]

In a strange twist she actually broke things off with me tonight. Guess she did me a favor. She said that she could tell I wasn't happy and that she wasn't happy and that while we had a lot in common after 4 months she just wasn't feeling the romantic connection. I guess it's for the best and she did what I didn't want to do.

 

Good result for both of you, I think.

 

Are you going to spend some time working on yourself?

Do you see anyone about your depression?

[Cristoforo]

Good result for both of you, I think.

 

Are you going to spend some time working on yourself?

Do you see anyone about your depression?

 

Yes I need to do some work. I need to start therapy again. I've tried it over the years but it never really worked for me. I have been on meds for years. It's obvious my issues with depression had an effect on this relationship. She didn't feel a romantic connection because I was always unhappy and depressed around her and never went out of the way to be romantic. She said she could tell I didn't have feelings for her. She was unhappy, I was unhappy. So its for the best she ended it. I just hope that I can get my depression under control and start to have some more confidence in myself, and that this will allow me to find that connection with someone else. Because I think my issues were a large part to blame for why she ended it.

[ZiggyZoo]

Man, absolutely start therapy. I was the same, on meds for years, therapy off and on...I finally found the right therapist and it made all the difference. I was able to get off my meds, and have much better overall coping skills. I'd suggest going somewhere that has a few practicing in the same spot. That's what I did and explained that I wasn't sure who would click best with me. They were all very understanding and it was the best decision I ever made.

 

Good luck. It is more than possible to have a happier, more successful life. Depression can be frustrating sometimes, but it can be dealt with.