Dumped after 8 years.

[10yearsgoneaway]

It's been almost 2 months since my boyfriend woke up one day and decided to leave me. (it was March 1st)

 

10 years of knowing each other, 8 years together, and 6 years living together.

 

He had apparently checked out of the relationship a long time ago. Told me he fell out of love and wanted a better life, but that he knew he was being selfish but that's what he wanted.

 

I was shocked and devastated. I lost everything in one day. Since it was his house and I had to move out. So on top of heartbreak we can add homesickness.

 

I did not do NC because I saw no point. I felt it in my gut that he was not coming back and NC would not work for that. I tried everything. One month after I finally moved out. (he had said we could be roommates but not in a relationship)

 

He did a complete 180 where after he told me, he became mean and ignored me and cut me off. I feel like I barley know him now, and can't understand how a person can change so much over night like that.

 

I wished it had been a fight, or one cheated, or something other than "falling out of love". One of his reply texts for me asking to reconcile was "why do you want someone who doesn't want you"

 

That was the text where I decided to move out that day.

 

I am now in the anger stage where I would love for him jump off a cliff

 

What I've learned about NC (or lack of) is that, it works for the dumpee in healing.

 

I've noticed, when I check his facebook or look at his pics it serves no purpose other than making me sad shortly thereafter.

 

To all of you from long term relationships, I understand how impossible it is to go from having that person in you life to suddenly nothing, and wanting to know how they are doing. But I am finally realizing there is no point. At all. If they moved on - it will hurt you. If they miss you - it will hurt you, because if they miss you, but have not asked for you back that hurts too.

 

So within the last week, I've blocked him on Instagram and Facebook, so he can not see me nor I him.

 

There's much more but I'm trying to keep this initial post short. but feel free to comment or ask any questions.

 

Yesterday was my first full day without crying. (of course I'm a little teary now writing this though)

[lukekarts]

I think, having experience this before, there are some people that can/will talk about their feelings, and some that can't.

 

Sounds like he was part of the latter group. And that's why it comes as such a surprise.

 

I don't believe that people just wake up and know things that aren't right. It takes a lot of thinking to reach that sort of conclusion, which clearly he was doing alone.

 

It is a horrible situation and I'm so sorry for you, but I expect in time you will realise that it is probably for the best you are no longer in a relationship with someone incapable of sharing their feelings.

[10yearsgoneaway]

Yes, he did think it over for a while and he had said so. I just didn't see it coming.

It was only in the week prior that he became very distant and I knew something was wrong, but didn't imagine a breakup.

 

I had been there through his mothers cancer and death, and so much more . I never turned away at any need he had and was always supportive.

 

I did love him and care about him and it feels so wasted now.

 

My first post may seem halfhearted but I am 2 months out. The crippling sadness and subsided.

 

We had good days and bad days up until the very end, and at 40, 10 years is a quarter of my life.

 

Coping with the bond we had and the heavy loss of it is still unbearable.

[10yearsgoneaway]

Update:

 

I was beginning to feel better. But the last two nights cried for about two hours each. I also panic at the thought of never knowing him again. And I miss the life we had together.

 

I read that after the anger stage passes, you become depressed again since the negative emotions have subsided and you begin to generally miss them.

 

I hope this is not that.

 

I am only in day 5 of no contact, and of blocking all social media.

 

This has made me question relationships in general. It seems so unfair and terrible that someone has the power to destroy your life with one decision that they make.

 

One upside is, while dumpees struggle to regain self esteem and better themselves, they actually do better themselves. I've moved out, got a new job, run 6 miles a day, look better. He still goes to the same job he hates, some old house, same old bar, same old sofa, same old same old...

 

I wonder with devastating break ups, how many dumpees come out the winner, and achieve the better life that they were dumped for.

[casey.lives]

some people check out - some never check into a relationship. there's many different kinds of people.

[Stercrazy]

The grief process is not linear.....it has an ebb and flow quickly changing from 1 stage to another. It does get better. Hang in there.

[totenkopf]

I can not imagine how you must be feeling. I am still upset over a ten month relationship but people say its not always the time that matters I kinda disagee. My sympathies.

[geronimo]

I can't imagine how hard it must be, I was with my ex for 5 years and we never lived with eachother. I don't want to bum you out cuz I'm still here 5 months later, and it does hurt but it gets alot better. I remember how devestated I was in the beginning but overtime the pain will lessen, you just have to keep NC and you can't stalk. I know its hard, i still give in and stalk her twitter and stuff from time to time even though i have deleted her off everything (her profiles are public).

 

But from what I have seen, it takes girls alot less time to get over a guy. Mainly because its alot easier for a girl to find a guy vs the other way around. It could just be the way it is here but with all my friends breakups and my own, i have always seen the girl get over it and find someone else alot faster than the guy, no matter who the dumper was.

[Satu]

Sorry to hear that you are suffering this.

 

At times it might feel that you can't get through this, but you can, and you will.

 

Here are some tips I put together for myself, but some of it might help you.

 

************************************************************

 

 

1. You're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 1.5 litres a day for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. *No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to.

 

****************************************************

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

[drallafi]

It's been almost 2 months since my boyfriend woke up one day and decided to leave me. (it was March 1st)

 

10 years of knowing each other, 8 years together, and 6 years living together.

 

He had apparently checked out of the relationship a long time ago. Told me he fell out of love and wanted a better life, but that he knew he was being selfish but that's what he wanted.

 

I was shocked and devastated. I lost everything in one day. Since it was his house and I had to move out. So on top of heartbreak we can add homesickness.

 

I did not do NC because I saw no point. I felt it in my gut that he was not coming back and NC would not work for that. I tried everything. One month after I finally moved out. (he had said we could be roommates but not in a relationship)

 

He did a complete 180 where after he told me, he became mean and ignored me and cut me off. I feel like I barley know him now, and can't understand how a person can change so much over night like that.

 

I wished it had been a fight, or one cheated, or something other than "falling out of love". One of his reply texts for me asking to reconcile was "why do you want someone who doesn't want you"

 

That was the text where I decided to move out that day.

 

I am now in the anger stage where I would love for him jump off a cliff

 

What I've learned about NC (or lack of) is that, it works for the dumpee in healing.

 

I've noticed, when I check his facebook or look at his pics it serves no purpose other than making me sad shortly thereafter.

 

To all of you from long term relationships, I understand how impossible it is to go from having that person in you life to suddenly nothing, and wanting to know how they are doing. But I am finally realizing there is no point. At all. If they moved on - it will hurt you. If they miss you - it will hurt you, because if they miss you, but have not asked for you back that hurts too.

 

So within the last week, I've blocked him on Instagram and Facebook, so he can not see me nor I him.

 

There's much more but I'm trying to keep this initial post short. but feel free to comment or ask any questions.

 

Yesterday was my first full day without crying. (of course I'm a little teary now writing this though)

 

You are at the beginning of a long and painful journey.

The thought of never seeing him again seems devastating, but I promise you it will eventually pass.

You will be ok some day.

Stay the course, stay NC. Hang in there. A year from now, this won't matter to you anymore.

[Chi townD]

Welp! Time to get your revenge!

 

 

The best revenge you can get is to lead a damn good life! Start making positive changes in your life. Some are easy and some are time consuming but worth it.

 

 

First couple of things are easy. Go get a new hairstyle. Something people are going to notice and like. Then get a new wardrobe or even just a couple of new outfits. You want folks saying to you, "DAMN GIRL! You are looking HAWT!" That is going to help your self confidence which is probably in the toilet right now.

 

 

Then, get to the gym and run your ass off on the treadmill and push some weight (don't worry about becoming "muscular". Women don't have the hormone load that men do, so that's not going to happen. You just want lean and toned) Join a spin class or Zumba. Not only are you going to work of the stress and frustrations you're having right now, but if you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you're going to get that lean and sexy bod that men are definitely going to notice. Especially if your in the gym and you catch some guys looking at your butt as you walk by in those yoga pants! You might think to yourself "Perverts" But you'll be thinking it with a smile on your face! This is going to get you healthy and help your self confidence as well.

 

 

Then, find some new hobbies. With these hobbies are usually clubs in your area with people that have a shared interest. JOIN THEM!!! So, join a running club, or a cycling club, or co-ed softball league, or a cooking class, o photography or community theater, or dive lessons. GET OUT THERE AND MEET NEW PEOPLE!!!! Make new friendships and enjoy doing fun things with them!!

 

 

Then travel! Go see the world! News flash, your Ex wasn't your entire world, there's a big ass world outside your door. GO EXPLORE IT! Pick a place that you've always wanted to visit. Talk a girlfriend into going with you, save for it plan for it and GO!! This will help you get away to decompress and de-stress. This will remove you from anything that will remind you of your Ex and you will get exposure to new and exciting places and meeting people from a different culture!

 

 

Wouldn't it be cool to think that if you do these things and your Ex gets curious about you, he logs onto a fake Facebook account and goes to your page and he see's a pic of you stand on a sandy beach in the Bahamas with a drink in one hand and you have this hard, lean body that looks fantastic in a bikini and you're looking all tan and happy with your other arm around a dude that is equally tanned with a six pack that won't quit.Wouldn't it be nice to think that his jaw would hit the floor? Oh Well! HIS LOSS!!!

 

 

THAT'S how you get your revenge!

[ephemeralme]

tenyears...

so sorry for your heartbreak...

gosh I so do understand, esp since it has been years ...

and you weren't even expecting it.

similar for me in some ways.

 

 

I LOVE CHI townD's attitude and approach...

need a dose of strength, encouragement and tuff ***** attitude to keep one going through the hell of heartache and heartbreak

 

 

Loss is loss .... I know for me I have ups, downs, moments, tears, anger, resentment, ache, hurt, sad, memories, pissed-off and again back to sad, hurt, disappointment...

 

 

it is a giant circle of stuff and it bogs my mind how someone can be IN your life one day and OUT of it the next...while they "loved" you.

 

 

(((hugs))) hold on tight, the boat ride is still hitting some mighty big waves, but out there, out there in the big blue sky there is a calm..

[10yearsgoneaway]

While I did lose 10lbs in 3 weeks, I did eat some and what I did eat was healthy or cold pressed juices, mostly juice and protein shakes. Liquid was easier than food at that point.

 

I did try to exercise some initially but really could not stand being in public AT ALL. I was crying nearly all the time, and saw the world though very painful glasses.

 

2 weeks ago I ran a half marathon, this was 5 weeks after the break up and I had not been training, but ran it anyway. That gave me a 3 day runners/victory high like nothing else.

 

To be honest there are still times I really don't feel like living and don't see this pain going away.

 

It still doesn't seem real and feel like I'm just waiting and this will be over someday and we'll have our life back.

 

Advise I get is to go back to how things were and what you did before you were together. but 10 years is, I mean 10 years is long. I can't go back that far. I've changed since then. Right now, it's as if I have no identity. The life we built together and went through together from major things to minor things.

 

Memories are everywhere and it's a struggle to remember the time before it.

 

While we weren't married, our relationship and age makes it closer to a divorce. So I read both Divorce forums and break up forums. We had shared accounts, bills, club cards. I have to get all new ones. I have to update my drivers license, credit cards, my address everywhere, insurance beneficiaries, emergency contact info everywhere. These things keep popping up and is painful every time. I'm a photographer and have payloads of photos.

 

The car I drive was his mothers, because when she passed away they wanted it stay "in the family" and he had just bought a new car a month prior.

 

while the initial paralyzing shock as worn off, the realistic sadness is setting in.

 

This post came out longer than I intended it to be.

Edited April 24, 2015 by 10yearsgoneaway

[ephemeralme]

[quote name=10yearsgoneawayWhile I did lose 10lbs in 3 weeks, I did eat some and what I did eat was healthy or cold pressed juices, mostly juice and protein shakes. Liquid was easier than food at that point.

 

I did try to exercise some initially but really could not stand being in public AT ALL. I was crying nearly all the time, and saw the world though very painful glasses.

I have had to force myself to go back to work and put on a front, but it hurts no less. I see people, couples, elderly couples together; I work in a hospital...it kills me... we were to grow old together and used to laugh about being old and achy together.... sigh

 

2 weeks ago I ran a half marathon, this was 5 weeks after the break up and I had not been training, but ran it anyway. That gave me a 3 day runners/victory high like nothing else.

Good for you... :)I have some walking and joined a volunteer organization.. but my heart isn't in it.. not right now, but I am forcing it.... faking it; hoping I can make it

 

To be honest there are still times I really don't feel like living and don't see this pain going away.

 

 

my feelings are the same, in fact I have immersed myself in music and words by Queen, Freddie Mercury. Some of it takes me away and gives me a moment of calm; some of it is my exact sentiment. I often find myself singing the words to Brian May's song Forever... who wants to live forever.... and ask myself, really... "it wouldn't make a difference if I were gone....?" but it would, couldn't do that to my family.... PLEASE, seek counseling if you get to a place where you feel this becomes more serious. Do you have friends, family you can talk with?

 

It still doesn't seem real and feel like I'm just waiting and this will be over someday and we'll have our life back.

 

 

Yep; sometimes I think he will just turn around in a while and come back and other times, I KNOW he won't.

 

Advise I get is to go back to how things were and what you did before you were together. but 10 years is, I mean 10 years is long. I can't go back that far. I've changed since then. Right now, it's as if I have no identity. The life we built together and went through together from major things to minor things.

 

 

It is hard not to do some of the same things, but the memories and the familiarity and the things allllll the things we did together.... day trips, hiking, cooking together... you know, the same things you are feeling and finding a loss of identity.... it sucks... it is a life you built together. A life we in our almost 7 years also built together and I liken it to a tragic storm that sweeps in and in fell moment; erupts, disrupts, destroys the entire house....down to shards of torn pieces. There lies nothing left but shreds of memories and the walls and the windows, doors, all that was created in that home. Now... it and the person you love are gone. The remaining piece is the foundation. YOUR foundation, and my foundation. That; somehow has been retained and will be from where we can build again. I so hope. I so pray.

 

Memories are everywhere and it's a struggle to remember the time before it.

memories... everywhere - not just tangible but those of places and times. sigh

 

While we weren't married, our relationship and age makes it closer to a divorce. So I read both Divorce forums and break up forums. We had shared accounts, bills, club cards. I have to get all new ones. I have to update my drivers license, credit cards, my address everywhere, insurance beneficiaries, emergency contact info everywhere. These things keep popping up and is painful every time. I'm a photographer and have payloads of photos.

 

 

I too, am a photographer... and I have a cache of photos and he is interspersed amonst aLL of them, I can't even look... I won't. this process of separating the life .... the entities of shared is extraordinarily painful. The car I drive was his mothers, because when she passed away they wanted it stay "in the family" and he had just bought a new car a month prior.

 

while the initial paralyzing shock as worn off, the realistic sadness is setting in.

 

 

yes it does and is.... and like Satu wrote, be kind to yourself, and I hope you can find at least a moment of sunlight in each day.... you have to try to find it...

the bluebirds have arrived here at home. There were tears for me to hear them because he bought me the bluebird houses and helped me install the posts.... they were something we would joyfully share... Now, he is gone and I can't. BUT ... I have to find that little bit of joy..in the bluebirds themselves and for a moment too told myself I was grateful for the joy he brought into my life. Sad as that is to feel.... it is true. It hurts but, what I am trying to say is, try to find the joy anywhere you can in your day... even if it is a tiny moment. ....

[Chi townD]

I agree, ten years is a long time and I won't lie, this is going to take time to heal from. You're in mourning. You're mourning the loss of your Ex and the relationship. THAT IS NORMAL!

 

 

But, here's the rub. The Ex wasn't your entire life, he was only a part of it. Our life is our own and we choose who we SHARE it with. But, ultimately, we are in charge of our own happiness. I mean, ephemeralme is right. Sometime you just won't feel like doing anything and sometimes it will be hard just to get out of bed, but you have to force yourself.

 

 

There were times I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere, but I forced myself and then afterwards, I find that I was glad I did.

 

 

Mourn, that's normal. But YOU have to find the motivation to move forward and discover that this isn't the end of the world. Just a new chapter in life. You have to close the old chapter and now you've turned the page to a fresh piece of paper that has nothing on it. It's up to you to decide what you want to fill it with.

[10yearsgoneaway]

and another one just came in..

 

Just got an email from Lowes thanking me for my recent purchase.

 

I logged in and saw his purchases, he must have forgotten the Mylowes card was mine...

 

 

I forwarded the email and told him to get his own card....and to F off and stay out of my life.

 

 

Of course, this hurts very much.

 

 

I am so tired of this hurt.

[10yearsgoneaway]

Feeling a bit dead inside. I usually have a few bad days in a row and then a gut wrenching crying episode the last night. The next day I feel, nothing. And then the cycle repeats.

 

I'm 2 months out now. Moved out a month ago.

 

There was no action or fight for the break up. Done with the crisis and anger phase. Now I am just experiencing enormous loss. I've rebuilt my life some, got a full time job, looking at apartments..but the more I do this, the more I hurt and panic at the future of not knowing him. It's real now.

 

We had co-existed in the last year of the relationship. And so his words were "it died years ago" that's fine. Although I always tried. I would give him space, not be in his way. Tried to not "always be around or have to go out with him"

Other times I made sure I was there when he needed support.

 

In truth, I knew I always cared more than he did.

About 2 weeks prior to the break up (also around my birthday) he started becoming distant. Would not stay in the same room..I knew something was up..I asked..he would say it was just work and had "nothing to do with me"

 

ok, but I still got the feeling it was me.

 

He lied. I was right.

 

anyway, I was out getting groceries and some things for him, when suddenly I just knew..it was a gut feeling. I get home. He says "sit down" and then proceeds with the break up talk. Which seems to be a script for some dumpers.

 

Starts with "I can't do this anymore" I fell out of love. You are an amazing person and I still want you in my life. "hell, we can even be roommates, just not in a relationship"

 

I had still had my coat on..I was blindsided. I had naturally not wanted it to end so said we could work on it, try to fix it...etc. Me wanting it not to end seemed to have made him mad. I guess he thought I would just happily skip out the door and be on my merry way..

 

So then he got mean. and said things like "I'd rather hang myself then be in this relationship" but then later said "it was not a reflection on who i am as a person and it was nothing I did" (he had said this several times since then also)

 

But after that day...he just went 180. Didn't tell me anything about his life said he was "focusing on moving forward" He just completely shut me out..like he read a bullet list on Reddit on what to do . not using his head that he just hurt someone that he knew for 10 years. ( I was only working part time so could not move out of that 900sf condo)

 

His father talked to me and was mad at him and had said to him that "she gave you 10 years and that's not how you treat someone"

 

There were ups and downs during the month following while I still lived there.

 

But The hit to myself esteem is un-repairable damage. My trust in anything is gone. someone I thought I knew and loved could suddenly be so cold..is something I will never understand.

 

I see no point in life. yet I go on everyday, empty and waiting for it to end.

 

I lost an SO, the friend in him, my home and my life that day.

 

Tried of people telling me to try to do something you like to do.. I try, but I don't feel any joy in anything yet or anymore.

[Lunay]

I'm sorry you're still struggling. You did lose a lot. Being with someone for 10 years is a long time. That is more than some peoples marriages, ha!

 

BUT - The longer you hang onto this the longer you're prolonging your own health and healing. You need to try and tell yourself every day that you didn't deserve this and that he won't get the best of you. He blindsided you and honestly sounds like a pr*ck. You should be thankful someone so cold and heartless is out of your life.

Have you done any counselling to try and sort through your feelings? Try hitting the gym or going for walks (yes, out in public)? Reconnect with friends? Get a puppy! There are a lot of things you can do to try and help yourself move on.

 

I am hoping the best for you. Stay strong!!