Lolapac Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Hi all: I'm new to this so please be patient. I've been in a 4 yr relationship with a wonderful man. So great that I left my job to be with him (due to his relo for work) in another state. It's really been a great relationship. We were both in unhappy and long term marriages. while he was going through his divorce he had a live in relationship. It was easy for him since he was in another country. He moved back to the states and met me 2 yrs later. I was still going through my divorce which was very difficult. We had been together for 6 mo and he had already told me he loved me. I fell very hard for him and felt love for him. So here we are 3 and a half years later, living together for 3 yrs. it's been really great. 6 mo into our relationship I noticed he was acting different couldn't put my finger on it,so I asked him if there was a problem. He told me my intuition was amazing. He had met a woman a few weeks back and they had been talking. I was crushed. I told him very calmly that if he felt he needed to explore a relationship with her to do it, but I would be out of the picture. I'm not into sharing sexually. He said he was so torn up about it and he really did love me and woul not talk with her anymore. Great! For the most part he didn't. We share our electronics and recently I saw a name in his contacts and I knew it was her,she has the same name as me. So I snooped. I read the e mails. I know it was wrong,but I did it anyway. He shared very personal things about me. Very hurtful to see in print. She kept telling him to break up with me that he didn't have to settle. Now mind you they met once and didn't really talk and his friend told her he had a girlfriend. Well, she Facebook friended him and he accepted. Then they started e mailing and had a few phone conversations. They met one time after that. No sex or kissing. I know this bc she said she should have just straddled him on the couch and kissed him. If she would have he would have forgotten all about me. His replies were he wasn't looking to get rid of me and he was confused. Reading the notes though it seemed like he wanted to play both ends. It really hurts. We promised we would be honest about any other relationships. I feel like maybe he was confused about his feelings towards me and wanted to see what else was out there. I'm having a hard time knowing that this was going on while we were on vacations and him telling me he loved me. We are getting married next month and I'm struggling. I know I sound crazy, but he is the love of my life. I told him I saw her in his contacts and he immediately erased it. He still has those e mails though. I haven't told him I saw those. Should I let it go and put it to myself that he was confussed. I need help bc I think I could screw this up. I do love him with all my heart. Since we've lived together he's never given me any reason for doubt or suspicion. HELP!!!!!
jen1447 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 You need time to evaluate things and see them for what they are and sort out your feelings. That means, whatever you do, don't get married next month. You're on the verge of getting into a contractual relationship with a guy who you're not sure is committed to you within the terms of a relationship you need. That's a clear no-go until the issue can be settled. No idea if the relationship can actually be salvaged (I'd have serious doubts, personally), but you don't want to attempt to to salvage it after you're married. That would be the most epic blunder of all blunders.
Mrin Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 You need time to evaluate things and see them for what they are and sort out your feelings. That means, whatever you do, don't get married next month. You're on the verge of getting into a contractual relationship with a guy who you're not sure is committed to you within the terms of a relationship you need. That's a clear no-go until the issue can be settled. No idea if the relationship can actually be salvaged (I'd have serious doubts, personally), but you don't want to attempt to to salvage it after you're married. That would be the most epic blunder of all blunders. This times 1000. You need to confront him immediately, tell him what you know and have a very direct conversation. Do not under any circumstances get married to this man without closure on this. You've been through divorce. You know what it is like. Don't set yourself up.
Author Lolapac Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Thank you for your replies. I do believe you are correct when telling me I need to tell him. I know he realizes something is bothering me. I don't want to be the kind of woman who is acting different for no apparent reason. He needs to know. I'm afraid he will put the blame on me for snooping. I realize that was wrong, but after I found her name, I couldn't help myself. I'm not really sure what I'm needing to hear from him at this point. I have not had any doubts or suspicions since we've lived together. He comes home to me every night,doesn't hang in bars with the guys. We are always together. He pretty much treats me like a princess, spoils me all the time. We have so much going on now. There's been another job relo, so we are in the process of selling our home and buying another. I don't want to throw this at him too. He has a lot on his plate.
Author Lolapac Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 Today I told my guy that I saw the e mails. His response was how sorry he was that he caused me pain. He wasn't angry that I looked at his e mails. He told me I am the love of his life and he was a jerk (not the word he used) for even thinking there might be something more out there. I think my first instincts were correct. he was getting cold feet. That was 3 and a half years ago. Like I said he has never given me one reason to doubt him since we've lived together. Thank you for your help because I might not have confronted him about it. So it's all in the open now and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. Thanks again. I had no one else to confide in as I am a very private person and don't believe you should air your dirty laundry. My moms motto!!! Thanks again. Be well!
Clarence_Boddicker Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 If he hasn't communicated with her for 3 years, why did he save her info & messages? That seems odd & risky. Only thing that makes sense to me is it was some ego boost for him knowing he had the affection of two girls.
Author Lolapac Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 I think he's kept them because he's kind of disorganized. He has so many old e mails. I don't think I'm making an excuse for him. I know how he is with his e mails. Maybe in the beginning it was some kind of ego boost. At any rate, it's all gone now. Thanks.
salparadise Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Not everyone purges email. I have all of my business and personal email going back many years––only delete the promotional stuff. If he hasn't been communicating with her recently I wouldn't worry about him not having deleted it. Be thankful for what you have and don't create catastrophic scenarios in your head.
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