My ex is after sister's ex but admits she still has feelings for me, drama ensues.

[Matt_Graham]

I’m a senior in college. One night at a party first semester I end up hooking up with one of my friends younger sister (older sister is a junior, younger sister is a freshman; oh, and the older sister’s cool with it because she really thought I was a cool guy). Well, over the semester my relationship with the younger sister grew. By Thanksgiving things were amazing between us. After we came back things were still good, but right before Christmas things got a little rocky. However, they seemed to get better right before we left for Christmas (she bought me something like $100 worth of shirts from Express “just ‘cause”). Over break we talk every couple of days and she says how much she misses me and stuff, but when we come back to school in the spring, things are pretty rough. The first weekend back, she got really drunk and ended up saying some really mean thing to me (which she later apologized for), but the next Monday I told her that I couldn’t carry the relationship and that if she wanted it to work she needed to put more energy into it. Well, she pretty much said that she didn’t want to put anything into it, and that was pretty much that. I spent the next few weeks trying to win her back by doing everything I could think of; helping her with her work (I learned accounting so I could teach it to her), cooking dinners for her, etc. Finally she said she could put up with me always trying to win her back, at which point I said some stuff I regretted and later apologized for. We didn’t talk much for the next few weeks, but had to interact some because of a class we had together (orchestra, she plays harp, I play percussion). Now, at the start of the year her sister broke up with her boyfriend of 2 years, which really upset my girl because she liked him, something she told me a lot even when we were together. At this point (about halfway through this term) I find out she REALLY likes him, however her parents (who are very controlling in her life) hate him and have forbade her from speaking to him. Anyway, one night I get a call from her at 3 am because she’s so upset. Her sister’s ex, who she wants to be with, was dry-humping so other girl at a dance party. I try and consul her (at this point I’m still relatively upset about the fact she likes this a**h***). Things get a little better between us, and I give her a small gift for both Valentines Day and her birthday (which were in the same week). Right before spring break she call’s me again at midnight because her sister is in Chicago and her car is broken down, so I drive the hour up to Chicago with her to go rescue her sister (who, by the time we get there has already gotten the car fixed and is heading home again), but it was nice to spend 2 hours in a car with her. We chat for the first week of our break some, and things seem ok, but towards the end of the week we get in a fight because she mentioned she’s interested in someone. I tell her that I still like her and all of that, and we don’t talk at all the second week of our break of the first week back (at this point, the music we are playing in orchestra has no harp part so I no longer see her everyday). We finally start talking again until, only a few days later, we get into a huge fight, mainly over the fact that she admittedly still has feelings for me, but is after another guy. We don’t talk for a month. Then this past Friday I, being an idiot and slightly drunk, IM her that I still care about her and that I hope everything is going ok for her. She says hi, we chat for a bit, and end up in a fight again. I leave, she calls, and I head over to her place and we talk for 5 hours, mostly about nothing. However the whole time we talk she says things and tells me things that just give me this idea that she still has feelings for me. I didn’t talk to her Saturday and today she IM’ed me to laugh at my exploits from Saturday night (which were fairly impressive and noteworthy, but another story entirely). However, she doesn’t want to tell me what she did Saturday night because “she can’t trust me” because I’ve shared a lot my problems dealing with her to one of my closest friends up here (I’m the guys best man and he’s the closest thing to a brother to me in my life). I know that whatever it is involves her sister’s ex because she’s still not allowed to talk to him and she’s afraid I’ll tell her sister that she is she’ll get in trouble with her parents. At this point I really don’t know what to do. On one hand, this whole thing with her sister’s ex really kind of pisses me off and makes me want to have nothing to do with her. But she actually likes the guy, even though he is a piece of crap, cheated on her sister, and tried to hook up with my friend’s fiancé. Her older sister isn’t really innocent in all of this, she cheated on him first. At this point I’m really not sure what to do. Part of me really wants to just walk away from it all, but in that month that we didn’t talk not an hour went by that I didn’t think of her. At this point, I have 3 weeks left before I’m pretty much done with college. I’m staying in the general area for career reasons, nothing to do with her, and it wouldn’t be hard for things to work if she wanted them to. I’m not going to meet anyone else in those 3 weeks of college to have a serious relationship with, and at this point I don’t see, in my career, where I’m going to meet a girl who’s half what this one is. I don’t really know what is going on with her and her sister’s ex, except that she likes him, and he’s enough of a piece of crap to sleep with her just to get back at her sister for breaking up with him, but she knows all of this and everything and still likes him, so I can’t do anything about that. The thing is I know eventually he is going to screw her over again, and this time she’s probably going to realize what type of guy her really is. At that point I know she’s going to turn to me, and I’m not going to know what to say. At this point, after all of this drama, part of me wants to just let her fall and tell her she deserves it. On the other hand, she’s not doing anything out of spite and is just really naive. That part of me wants to catch her and help her back up again. That’s the part of me that wants to give our relationship another chance and think that we still could have something amazing. Right now we’re on speaking terms again, but I’m doing my best to not go out of my way to talk to her and am trying to let her talk to me when she wants to. We have those three weeks left and I’m praying for the summer and hopping that over those few months she’ll realize all of this; but that’s what I said for spring break and that got us nowhere. I guess I’m just wondering what I should do, if anything right now. She knows I still care a lot about her, and she wants me in her life. I don’t know what she wants from me, and I don’t really know what I want from her. I’ve really never felt this strongly for any other girl and, like I said, I can’t imagine finding anyone who could even begin to compare to her.

 

Ps. Thanks if you actually read all of that.

[mixwell]

Next time you should break that into paragraphs.

 

Anyways.. I think she knows were you stand and by trying to stop her from seeing this other guy is only going to make her want him more.. Remember when you were a teen, your parents might not have wanted you to hang out with someone or somwhere ?? Did it make you want to go there or hang out with that person/place more ?? I know it did with me.. So in essence, if you try to stop her from persuing this (which i dont know if you are or are not) you will only make her want it more.. It sucks.

 

I was with my ex for 7 years and she broke up with me because I moved out of state. Well i have moved back, but in that time she started hanging out with this new guy. I tried to get her to hang out with me more and what not and it seemed like she just hung out with him more.. The way I see it with my ex and yours is if they wanted us back then they would tell us.. your ex knows how you feel about her, but obviously doesnt want a relationship with you, for whatever reason. The sooner you accept that and the sooner you agree with yourself that there is nothing you can do and that you cannot make someone want to be with you or you cannot just "win" them back the sooner you will be better off. It honestly took a while to sink into my head !! I rejected my brain and listened to my heart.. I now accept the fact that if my ex wanted to be with me she would tell me or call. It has been 5 months since the breakup and I haven't talked to her at all this month.

 

So whatever. You know actions DO speak louder than words.. What sickens me is that you could cut someone you have known for 8 years, been with for 7 years out of your life like that. I mean I am 21 as well as her and we basically grew up together and were around each other for 8 years !! I know I never cut her out of my life when I had broken up with her in the past (even when I was dating other girls). I guess some people just react differently.. O well.. Just hang in there. I do agree with the phrase " if its meant to be then it will be" So hang in there and just don't contact her at all.. Giver her some time to think about what she wants and learn about yourself.. Thats what I am doing (even though I don't like it) I am hoping that this new b/f of my ex is just a phase and she wants to see whats out there before commiting but i am also accepting the reality that she is gone and I need to be moving on .

 

Take care,

 

Peace

[BrotherAaron]

Whoa man... am I reading this right? You like this girl, and you're giving her guy advice!?

 

hat’s the part of me that wants to give our relationship another chance and think that we still could have something amazing. Right now we’re on speaking terms again, but I’m doing my best to not go out of my way to talk to her and am trying to let her talk to me when she wants to. We have those three weeks left and I’m praying for the summer and hopping that over those few months she’ll realize all of this; but that’s what I said for spring break and that got us nowhere. I guess I’m just wondering what I should do, if anything right now.

 

The problem, I'm sorry to say, is that you are the only one who wants to give this relationshp another chance. You seem completely head over heels for this girl, and she knows it - but she tells you about other guys, and she comes crying to you. If my ex ever tried to come crying to me because she was upset about another guy she liked, she'd be lucky that I don't think it's good to hit people, otherwise I'd slap her. She knows that you care about her and she is completely exploiting that to gain your support without giving you hers. I know you can see that. You said that it pisses you off that she has feelings for another guy and tells you about it, and that part of you wants to walk away. That is the smartest thing you could do. Stick around and I promise that you will end up more heartbroken, and she will care less and less how you feel.

 

If I had the time at the moment, I could give you a mile of advice. The problem is, I don't think you'd take it, because I have 100 things to say that you probably weren't expecting to hear. You see, I can't give you advice on how to win her back, because I don't think you can nor do I think you should. What she is doing to you is not ok - and it's not ok for you to let her do it. I know I'm being very blunt, but I can't imagine hearing my ex tell me about some other guy she liked. I mean, I've had the displeasure of being told by my ex about the guy she liked when she wasn't even my ex yet, but how you could actually give her comfort about it is completely beyond me.

 

If you're interested in what I think would be best for you, check out this thread: The Lost Guide to No Contact, v4

 

I know you want to work things out with her, but what you're doing is counterproductive towards those ends. You need to go back to not talking to her like you did for that month. I know it's hard, and it will be hard again. Help yourself out and pretend like there'd be no possible way for you to contact her... and then don't try. Find other things to do with your day. Make yourself busy so you're not always thinking about her. Please, look at where you are: You're trying to win over a girl who doesn't seem to care how you feel, even though she knows your feelings. She doesn't seem to coming around at all, and every moment of this "relationship" is hurting you.

 

Don't get desperate, either, or thinking that you won't find any other girls. You said she's a freshman, and that might be your problem - maturity. You will have plenty of oppurtunities to meet great women in your career, and coming out of college it's time you were done with girls

 

P.S. You've found a good place to come with your relationship problems. Even if you decide not to take my advice, there are a 100 different viewpoints here, so don't be afraid to keep posting, and good luck. You're in a tough spot right now.