No phone number, but FB request instead

[DarkNoel]

I went out with a girl yesterday that I met online. We were a really high match %, and she was actually the one to reach out to me. We went and had brunch, which was all fine and dandy. I think conversation flowed well, and there was no question that it was a date.

 

Afterwards, I try to ask for her number, since we only conversed online before that. She hesistantly declined, and recommended adding each other on Facebook. I jokingly asked her if she doesn't give her number away to strangers, and she said yeah but she's always on Facebook messenger so I can just message her there. I just played it cool and said okay. So I sent her a request, she was like "Oh hey, we have a few mutual friends" and we parted.

 

At first, I thought she was just blowing me off, but a few hours later, she accepted the friend request. I sent her the standard "I had a good time, thought she was pretty awesome, we should do it again message" and she responded a few minutes later with simply ":) thanks~".

 

I'm not super experienced in dating, but usually I either don't get a response at all, or get something like "I had a great time too! We should definitely do it again!" So it's usually pretty clear. I'm not sure what to take away from this... so I'm having second thoughts.

 

Is she just not that interested and thought that it was polite to respond? What should I do from here?

 

Any thoughts?

Edited April 20, 2015 by DarkNoel

[fitnessfan365]

She isn't interested.

 

Not only did she refuse to give you her number, but ignored commenting on your attempt to bring up future plans by simply saying "thanks". My advice would be to remove her from your friends list, and forget about her. The de-friending will send a message that you don't like having your time wasted.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't feeling it. I would follow the other poster's advice and delete her. No point keeping her as a contact

[Mrin]

Not interested. Though I do think it is odd to connect up on FB - I've only done that twice with women i've dated.

 

Defriend, forget and move on.

[TheFinalWord]

I went out with a girl yesterday that I met online. We were a really high match %, and she was actually the one to reach out to me. We went and had brunch, which was all fine and dandy. I think conversation flowed well, and there was no question that it was a date.

 

Afterwards, I try to ask for her number, since we only conversed online before that. She hesistantly declined, and recommended adding each other on Facebook. I jokingly asked her if she doesn't give her number away to strangers, and she said yeah but she's always on Facebook messenger so I can just message her there. I just played it cool and said okay. So I sent her a request, she was like "Oh hey, we have a few mutual friends" and we parted.

 

At first, I thought she was just blowing me off, but a few hours later, she accepted the friend request. I sent her the standard "I had a good time, thought she was pretty awesome, we should do it again message" and she responded a few minutes later with simply ":) thanks~".

 

I'm not super experienced in dating, but usually I either don't get a response at all, or get something like "I had a great time too! We should definitely do it again!" So it's usually pretty clear. I'm not sure what to take away from this... so I'm having second thoughts.

 

Is she just not that interested and thought that it was polite to respond? What should I do from here?

 

Any thoughts?

 

Too late now, but you might have exchanged e-mails instead of FB. No need to tell her you had a good time, etc. Ask for another date and leave it at that. You can analyze her intentions all day, but you will know for certain if she is accepting, and participating, in dates you request.

 

I would message in a week or so to see if she wants to go on another date. If she doesn't respond, delete from FB.

[DarkNoel]

You can analyze her intentions all day, but you will know for certain if she is accepting, and participating, in dates you request.

 

I would message in a week or so to see if she wants to go on another date. If she doesn't respond, delete from FB.

 

I tend to agree with you. I think I have one more shot, which is to ask her out again in a few days with concrete plans and see what happens.

 

I'm just puzzled at how this whole situation has turned out... she could have just ignored me, or left the friend request unaccepted, you know?

[loveweary11]

The many forms of contact don't matter at all.

 

She probably is worried you'll be an over caller/texter. If you want her, don't listen to all the advice nexting her. Test her. Ask her out on FB messenger.

 

Now I really don't get why anyone is hesitant to give out their number vs Facebook vs kik.. It's all the same thing!! just easier with the regular number.

 

I use Mr Number on my phone to block people even faster than they can be blocked on Facebook.

 

So why all this big whoopteedoo about giving out numbers? Who cares?

[TheFinalWord]

I tend to agree with you. I think I have one more shot, which is to ask her out again in a few days with concrete plans and see what happens.

 

I'm just puzzled at how this whole situation has turned out... she could have just ignored me, or left the friend request unaccepted, you know?

 

A woman's interest can range along a continuum. If she has 50% interest, she might accept your request. If she had high interest, she would have given your her number. She was open to you but on the low end of interest. At this point, you have to show confidence and ask her out. That's all you can do. You cannot really go just off how a conversation flowed, e.g. x + y = successful date. The only way to really tell is if she goes on several dates with you. If you go by some other measure you are using logic to gauge success (default male approach), which will not work.

 

I take it back about unfriending her. What you might do is send her a message in 4 to 5 days and ask her out.

 

If she does not respond, and you still care (I wouldn't invest much in a girl with meh interest level) wait one week and FB her your phone number and let her know you are open to going out if she wants in the future, but that you like to keep your friend's list small and then remove her if you want. This way you will not come across as a crybaby I personally would not want a random girl on my FB that would not give me her number, but that is me. If you take this route, then the ball is in her court and you have left the door open for her to contact you (you never know she might be more invested in some other guy; if that doesn't work with him she may contact you in the future).

[DarkNoel]

A woman's interest can range along a continuum. If she has 50% interest, she might accept your request. If she had high interest, she would have given your her number. She was open to you but on the low end of interest. At this point, you have to show confidence and ask her out. That's all you can do. You cannot really go just off how a conversation flowed, e.g. x + y = successful date. The only way to really tell is if she goes on several dates with you. If you go by some other measure you are using logic to gauge success (default male approach), which will not work.

 

I never thought of it that way, but yes you are spot on with the default male approach. I have nothing to lose from asking her out again.

 

I just hope I didn't get friend zoned. I don't go on dates with the intention of making friends. It might be a conceited thing to say, but I don't need more female friends. Sometimes, I wish more things in this world are more black and white.

[Gary S]

You might be surprised at what I'm am going to say. She's interested.

 

However, there's another problem. She's a control freak.

[DarkNoel]

She isn't interested.

 

Not only did she refuse to give you her number, but ignored commenting on your attempt to bring up future plans by simply saying "thanks". My advice would be to remove her from your friends list, and forget about her. The de-friending will send a message that you don't like having your time wasted.

 

I agree with you for the most part. But she's always been concise when she messages me. So it might be just her way of expressing herself. Even when I initially asked her out, she said things like "Lol ok" and like "haven't been, either is fine".

 

Why didn't she simply ignore me completely? Why accept the FB request at all? Why even respond to it with a happy emoticon?

 

It doesn't hurt to ask her out again in a couple of days with some concrete plans, right? I don't think I have anything to lose...

[DarkNoel]

You might be surprised at what I'm am going to say. She's interested.

 

However, there's another problem. She's a control freak.

 

Yeah, I am surprised. But at this point, what doesn't surprise me? Her series of actions are extremely puzzling.

 

So you just think she's extremely protective of her phone number?

[Redhead14]

I went out with a girl yesterday that I met online. We were a really high match %, and she was actually the one to reach out to me. We went and had brunch, which was all fine and dandy. I think conversation flowed well, and there was no question that it was a date.

 

Afterwards, I try to ask for her number, since we only conversed online before that. She hesistantly declined, and recommended adding each other on Facebook. I jokingly asked her if she doesn't give her number away to strangers, and she said yeah but she's always on Facebook messenger so I can just message her there. I just played it cool and said okay. So I sent her a request, she was like "Oh hey, we have a few mutual friends" and we parted.

 

At first, I thought she was just blowing me off, but a few hours later, she accepted the friend request. I sent her the standard "I had a good time, thought she was pretty awesome, we should do it again message" and she responded a few minutes later with simply ":) thanks~".

 

I'm not super experienced in dating, but usually I either don't get a response at all, or get something like "I had a great time too! We should definitely do it again!" So it's usually pretty clear. I'm not sure what to take away from this... so I'm having second thoughts.

 

Is she just not that interested and thought that it was polite to respond? What should I do from here?

 

Any thoughts?

 

Whether you Facebook or text a date suggestion, always include specific day and time. A general "let's do it again sometime" is wishy-washy in my book. If you provide specifics and she actually wants to go out with you again but can't that day, she should offer an alternate arrangement. That's a clearer sign of interest.

 

In this case, you presented a wishy washy offer, so she responded in a wishy washy way. There was no clarity about it from you, so there's no clarity from her.

[DarkNoel]

Whether you Facebook or text a date suggestion, always include specific day and time. A general "let's do it again sometime" is wishy-washy in my book. If you provide specifics and she actually wants to go out with you again but can't that day, she should offer an alternate arrangement. That's a clearer sign of interest.

 

In this case, you presented a wishy washy offer, so she responded in a wishy washy way. There was no clarity about it from you, so there's no clarity from her.

 

Yup, agreed. I only said that as a follow up to let her know I had a good time. It was mostly filler. I didn't want to ask her out again immediately because people don't like being put on the spot. Some people need a little time (like a couple of days after a date) to think about it. Haha, I've learned from my previous mistakes.

 

I guess the only thing for me to do is to ask her out again with a concrete plan.

[Redhead14]

Yup, agreed. I only said that as a follow up to let her know I had a good time. It was mostly filler. I didn't want to ask her out again immediately because people don't like being put on the spot. Some people need a little time (like a couple of days after a date) to think about it. Haha, I've learned from my previous mistakes.

 

I guess the only thing for me to do is to ask her out again with a concrete plan.

 

It's ok to ask her out again quickly, just ask for a date further out, say the following week. And, usually, it's good to schedule the next date at the end of the first date if you liked her enough. If she says she needs to check her calendar, you can tell her to please confirm by X day. If she doesn't do that, then you move on.

[Gary S]

 

So you just think she's extremely protective of her phone number?

 

- That and a lot of other things. If you think she's difficult now, wait until you get to know her.

 

Redhead, it's going to be a lot harder for him to negotiate a date over messaging on Spacebook. It would have been a lot easier on the phone. But this woman is trouble.

[Emilia]

I would come up with something specific, ask her and act on response. Silence/no means unfriend, acceptance means date. No second guesses, no wondering.

[Redhead14]

- That and a lot of other things. If you think she's difficult now, wait until you get to know her.

 

Redhead, it's going to be a lot harder for him to negotiate a date over messaging on Spacebook. It would have been a lot easier on the phone. But this woman is trouble.

 

I agree, but she didn't want to give him her number. He has to play the hand he's been dealt if he likes her enough.

 

I don't like that she didn't give him her number either. But, we simply don't know what's in her head about it. She went out with him and at least responded to his FB friend request. She might just be clueless about dating . . . who knows. Instead of doing 20 questions, cut to the chase.

 

And, when he asks her for the specific date, and if she says yes, he should ask her for her number so that they can be in touch in case anything changes. If she still refuses to give the number, I'd bail.

[Gary S]

I agree, but she didn't want to give him her number. He has to play the hand he's been dealt if he likes her enough.

 

 

- Not necessarily. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he only needs to find one nice woman. Let some other guy play with this hard-headed woman. He can decide to fold and play another hand, find another lady to date.

 

Some women will even give a man her number before he even asks for it! Sure, it does not happen most of the time, but it's great when it does! Which horse would you put your money on?

 

There are three requirements a person must have to be a catch:

 

1) They have to have attraction for you - the more, the better.

 

2) They have to be easy to get along with. Hot-heads are going to be hell to live with.

 

3) They have to have a minimum of problems - this can be a huge list of possible items... some include mental problems, health issues, vices, etc.

 

Smart dating is about knowing when to cut your losses and look for a better prospect, as quickly as possible, it's efficient, and reduces rejection, which is painful. He who rejects first hurts less.

 

Like the song The Gambler says, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run."

 

When the love plane is going down, there is a only one parachute.

[Redhead14]

- Not necessarily. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he only needs to find one nice woman. Let some other guy play with this hard-headed woman. He can decide to fold and play another hand, find another lady to date.

 

Some women will even give a man her number before he even asks for it! Sure, it does not happen most of the time, but it's great when it does! Which horse would you put your money on?

 

There are three requirements a person must have to be a catch:

 

1) They have to have attraction for you - the more, the better.

 

2) They have to be easy to get along with. Hot-heads are going to be hell to live with.

 

3) They have to have a minimum of problems - this can be a huge list of possible items... some include mental problems, health issues, vices, etc.

 

Smart dating is about knowing when to cut your losses and look for a better prospect, and reduces rejection, which is painful. He who rejects first hurts less.

 

Like the song The Gambler says, "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run."

 

When the love plane is going down, there is a only one parachute.

"You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away and know when to run." -- in this case, he doesn't really know. Maybe she's bluffing, it's sometimes works to call a bluff once in a while too

 

as quickly as possible, it's efficient, -- It took him longer to post and read responses than it would have if he simply asked her for another specific date at the end of the first. But he didn't, so he might as well invest another 5 minutes to do that now.

[fitnessfan365]

I agree, but she didn't want to give him her number. He has to play the hand he's been dealt if he likes her enough.

 

I don't like that she didn't give him her number either. But, we simply don't know what's in her head about it. She went out with him and at least responded to his FB friend request. She might just be clueless about dating . . . who knows. Instead of doing 20 questions, cut to the chase.

 

And, when he asks her for the specific date, and if she says yes, he should ask her for her number so that they can be in touch in case anything changes. If she still refuses to give the number, I'd bail.

 

Women act a certain way when they're interested and that has nothing to do with dating knowledge.

 

It's like when a woman responds to an email of mine online. Logic dictates that if she views my profile and responds she's interested right? But I go by actions. Like if she comments on what I said, but doesn't answer the question I asked her. Or if she only sends one sentence back answering the question with no expansion or attempt to engage me. When I get emails like these, I delete them without hesitation. I don't desperately try to act like Rumplestiltskin spinning straw into gold.

 

I mean it's bad enough she refused to give her number in the first place. But a one word "thanks" and ignoring his comment about future plans is not indicating interest in my opinion. Even if she sucks at dating, a woman will still say "Getting together again sounds fun" to at least give the guy an opening to make direct plans.

Edited April 21, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[DarkNoel]

Women act a certain way when they're interested and that has nothing to do with dating knowledge.

 

It's like when a woman responds to an email of mine online. Logic dictates that if she views my profile and responds she's interested right? But I go by actions. Like if she comments on what I said, but doesn't answer the question I asked her. Or if she only sends one sentence back answering the question with no expansion or attempt to engage me. When I get emails like these, I delete them without hesitation. I don't desperately try to act like Rumplestiltskin spinning straw into gold.

 

I mean it's bad enough she refused to give her number in the first place. But a one word "thanks" and ignoring his comment about future plans is not indicating interest in my opinion. Even if she sucks at dating, a woman will still say "Getting together again sounds fun" to at least give the guy an opening to make direct plans.

 

Very well put, fitnessfan. I guess I should just stop kidding myself. I am pretty sure she's not interested or her actions would have been different.

 

But I have nothing to lose with asking her for another date. Worst case scenario she says no or ignores me, which means I am no worse off than I am now.

[TheFinalWord]

Very well put, fitnessfan. I guess I should just stop kidding myself. I am pretty sure she's not interested or her actions would have been different.

 

But I have nothing to lose with asking her for another date. Worst case scenario she says no or ignores me, which means I am no worse off than I am now.

 

I recommend to not try to analyze so much. Paralysis by analysis will have you asking Freudian type questions about smiley faces and FB messages. I generally agree with the others though that her interest seems low. Either way I would only stick to asking her dates and not getting into a bunch of messaging back and forth.

 

My default jaded perspective lol tells me she has another guy and accepting FB is a way to keep you on the backburner. Plus another guy won't ask who is texting her since you don't have her number. She may also just have genuine lower level of interest. You also have friends in common, so she may be saving face. Who knows. There are too many unknown variables.

 

The best bet is ask her out directly with a time/date. If she actually meets you then you know. If she blows you off and you are still interested, you can leave the door open for her to contact you if her interest changes. For example, if you ask her out and she is giving excuses about being too busy, just say something short like "no problem, contact me if you want to meet up sometime". That option is up to you though. Personally, I would delete and forget her if she gives you the cold shoulder. But I may be a more jaded than you j/k Good luck with whatever you decide to do

[fitnessfan365]

Personally, I would delete and forget her if she gives you the cold shoulder.

 

She's already done that.

 

However, I agree that he's got nothing to lose contacting her one more time. Just send a message that says "We should get together again. When are you free?" Then if she gets back with a day, and it works your schedule, respond with direct plans for a place and time.

[DarkNoel]

She's already done that.

 

However, I agree that he's got nothing to lose contacting her one more time. Just send a message that says "We should get together again. When are you free?" Then if she gets back with a day, and it works your schedule, respond with direct plans for a place and time.

 

UPDATE:

 

I took your advice and asked her when she's free this weekend. Even though this is usually discouraged, I also tell her “it’s fine if you're not interested. I totally understand." At this point, I'm just basically fishing for the rejection message.

 

She responds back in twenty minutes with she’s “kinda busy this weekend, but maybe afterwards when we are both free.”

 

I lay it out nicely for her to just ignore me or say “Sorry, I’m not interested”. I get the hint from the “busy” line. BUT why does she add in “maybe afterwards when we are both free”?! I understand that this does not mean she is suggesting concrete alternative plans. But why even bring it up? A simple “Hey, sorry I’m busy this weekend” would suffice.

 

She just sucks at rejecting people. Jesus. Moving on...

 

Much thanks guys! Especially fitnessfan, TheFinalWord, Redhead, and Gary S.