alsudduth Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I'm going to preempt this by saying that yes, I do understand that plenty of Women can be passive aggressive, but why do most men use this as a primary means of communication?! Is it because as women we are in general better communicators than men and so men only know how to respond in this way? Here is what the latest was that happened to me: My husband is a VW enthusiast. He restores old VW's and he puts a lot of time into it so I get that his buses are his babies. Last week I was pulling into the driveway and dinged the rear of his Kombi. I felt absolutely horrible and obviously did not do this on purpose. I called my husband right away and told him what happened and sent pictures of the minor damage. I apologized profusely and he acknowledges that he understands that I didn't do it on purpose. But then the rest of the day he didn't talk to me at all, and when he got home I got little more than a raise of his eyebrows. Later after ignoring me most of the afternoon, there was a conversation about being intimate and he said he wasn't going to have sex with me because he was pissed that I hit his bus. I got pissed because instead of talking to me he chose to punish me by ignoring me and making me feel undesirable (IMO the two worst things you can do to me) after an incident that I already felt and expressed how horrible I felt about it. I told him that just once I wished he would reassure me that everything is ok, that he still loves me, and that we will figure it out. He responded by saying, I'm not going to pretend that it's ok that you hit my bus....so I said -I'm not saying you have to say it's ok that I hit your bus. I'm saying be mad at the situation, not at me. I was so upset that I left the house for an hour or two and when I got back, he acted like nothing had happened! In fact he was sweeter than normal to me for the next 2 or 3 days. His behavior is so confusing to me! Is there something I could have done different in this situation? Ideas on how to get him to communicate better with me? We've been together total almost 19 years so why can't we get it together??!
GemmaUK Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Is he often like this? I can to an extent understand as it's one of his no doubt pristine VDubs but is there anything else he has been the same way about? The incident was a one off I assume so I'm wondering if the PA is a recurrent theme and over other things also.
Taramere Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Communication is good, but I think sometimes you do just have to give people a bit of space to cool off when they're annoyed about something. I think you did exactly the right thing by going off out for a few hours. Not everything can be fixed immediately with a conversation. If you had tried to talk about it immediately after, when he was at his angriest, it would likely have blown up into an unproductive argument. 1
Author alsudduth Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Is he often like this? I can to an extent understand as it's one of his no doubt pristine VDubs but is there anything else he has been the same way about? The incident was a one off I assume so I'm wondering if the PA is a recurrent theme and over other things also. This is how he communicates all the time. I even said to him when we were arguing about the above example, that I spent the whole day worrying about what kind of passive aggressive behavior I was going to have to endure from him when he got home.
gaius Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Sounds like you handled everything fine. At the end of the day he had the opportunity to vent at you and you back at him, the problem was communicated and resolved. I'm not surprised you've managed to keep it going for 19 years with healthy behavior like that.
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 -I'm not saying you have to say it's ok that I hit your bus. I'm saying be mad at the situation, not at me. Am I missing something? You were the situation in this case. You hit the car. He was upset about it. Walking away for a while was probably the best thing.
regine_phalange Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Passive aggressive people are hard to deal with because they never admit their negative feelings and thoughts. Passive aggressiveness also most of the times goes hand in hand with manipulation, which is not constructive and is even mildly insulting to the partner's intelligence and feelings. Bottom line, I think you handled it very well, but he needs to grow up. I don't know how you can help him, he has to help himself with this. The only thing you can do is keep communicating as you already do. 2
autumnnight Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 So... You accidentally dinged (not crushed, dinged) a vehicle, your response was to immediately call him, sincerely and profusely apologize, take pictures, be completely honest, etc. He gets home later and ignores your for hours. THEN he makes it clear he will not be having sex with you over a ding. Yeah, he handled that just GREAT I don't do passive aggressive. I feel for ya 2
BikerAccnt Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 The only think passive aggressive about it is not admitting upfront how upset he was about it. Not talking to you for a while, and being upset enough to not have sex (a bit harder with this part) I can kind of understand. He probably needed to cool down. Not telling you exactly how upset he was is the passive-aggressive thing.
bachdude Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I'm going to preempt this by saying that yes, I do understand that plenty of Women can be passive aggressive, but why do most men use this as a primary means of communication?! Is it because as women we are in general better communicators than men and so men only know how to respond in this way? Here is what the latest was that happened to me: My husband is a VW enthusiast. He restores old VW's and he puts a lot of time into it so I get that his buses are his babies. Last week I was pulling into the driveway and dinged the rear of his Kombi. I felt absolutely horrible and obviously did not do this on purpose. I called my husband right away and told him what happened and sent pictures of the minor damage. I apologized profusely and he acknowledges that he understands that I didn't do it on purpose. But then the rest of the day he didn't talk to me at all, and when he got home I got little more than a raise of his eyebrows. Later after ignoring me most of the afternoon, there was a conversation about being intimate and he said he wasn't going to have sex with me because he was pissed that I hit his bus. I got pissed because instead of talking to me he chose to punish me by ignoring me and making me feel undesirable (IMO the two worst things you can do to me) after an incident that I already felt and expressed how horrible I felt about it. I told him that just once I wished he would reassure me that everything is ok, that he still loves me, and that we will figure it out. He responded by saying, I'm not going to pretend that it's ok that you hit my bus....so I said -I'm not saying you have to say it's ok that I hit your bus. I'm saying be mad at the situation, not at me. I was so upset that I left the house for an hour or two and when I got back, he acted like nothing had happened! In fact he was sweeter than normal to me for the next 2 or 3 days. His behavior is so confusing to me! Is there something I could have done different in this situation? Ideas on how to get him to communicate better with me? We've been together total almost 19 years so why can't we get it together??! I totally get why this whole thing was hard on you. And why it is so baffling when you got home he acted as if nothing had happened. How could everything be fine?? Nothing was talked about??? For you it was torture to be ignored. You wanted to hash it out, work it through together. But since nothing had been talked about, you felt punished and undesirable, how could everything be fine now as if nothing had happened? In his mind, I am guessing, he just needed the time to cool off. Kind of simple. He doesn't handle anger the same way you do. He has to process it, in his own head, by himself, without talking about it. It really isn't, most likely, that he wants to punish you or that he finds you undesirable. He just needed the time to process it, in his own way. The problem is, that is very tough on you. A heart to heart talk is probably in order now that he is cooled off. So there needs to be some changes made, for the sake of your feelings. But he will probably never process anger the same way you do but he can make efforts to not ignore you, to talk to you more, to let you know that he just needs to process and to please just give him time. He can give you assurances in the midst of it that he still loves you, finds you desirable, etc. You two can have a talk about what would help you. Let him know how you felt, without blaming your feelings on him, and what would help you in the future while he is processing. He should be able to do this. 2
Author alsudduth Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I totally get why this whole thing was hard on you. And why it is so baffling when you got home he acted as if nothing had happened. How could everything be fine?? Nothing was talked about??? For you it was torture to be ignored. You wanted to hash it out, work it through together. But since nothing had been talked about, you felt punished and undesirable, how could everything be fine now as if nothing had happened? In his mind, I am guessing, he just needed the time to cool off. Kind of simple. He doesn't handle anger the same way you do. He has to process it, in his own head, by himself, without talking about it. It really isn't, most likely, that he wants to punish you or that he finds you undesirable. He just needed the time to process it, in his own way. The problem is, that is very tough on you. A heart to heart talk is probably in order now that he is cooled off. So there needs to be some changes made, for the sake of your feelings. But he will probably never process anger the same way you do but he can make efforts to not ignore you, to talk to you more, to let you know that he just needs to process and to please just give him time. He can give you assurances in the midst of it that he still loves you, finds you desirable, etc. You two can have a talk about what would help you. Let him know how you felt, without blaming your feelings on him, and what would help you in the future while he is processing. He should be able to do this. Wise response. You hit the nail on the head. 1
Robert Z Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Wise response. You hit the nail on the head. I think so too. He was angry and didn't want to take it out on you, but had to get past the anger. I can totally understand that.
Author alsudduth Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Wise response. You hit the nail on the head. Totally off topic, but am I the only one who every time she hears the word wise - I say it in my head like Pennywise the clown? As in "Very Wise indeed Georgie!" - or maybe I just need to watch "IT" again.
Got it Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I'm going to preempt this by saying that yes, I do understand that plenty of Women can be passive aggressive, but why do most men use this as a primary means of communication?! Is it because as women we are in general better communicators than men and so men only know how to respond in this way? Here is what the latest was that happened to me: My husband is a VW enthusiast. He restores old VW's and he puts a lot of time into it so I get that his buses are his babies. Last week I was pulling into the driveway and dinged the rear of his Kombi. I felt absolutely horrible and obviously did not do this on purpose. I called my husband right away and told him what happened and sent pictures of the minor damage. I apologized profusely and he acknowledges that he understands that I didn't do it on purpose. But then the rest of the day he didn't talk to me at all, and when he got home I got little more than a raise of his eyebrows. Later after ignoring me most of the afternoon, there was a conversation about being intimate and he said he wasn't going to have sex with me because he was pissed that I hit his bus. I got pissed because instead of talking to me he chose to punish me by ignoring me and making me feel undesirable (IMO the two worst things you can do to me) after an incident that I already felt and expressed how horrible I felt about it. I told him that just once I wished he would reassure me that everything is ok, that he still loves me, and that we will figure it out. He responded by saying, I'm not going to pretend that it's ok that you hit my bus....so I said -I'm not saying you have to say it's ok that I hit your bus. I'm saying be mad at the situation, not at me. I was so upset that I left the house for an hour or two and when I got back, he acted like nothing had happened! In fact he was sweeter than normal to me for the next 2 or 3 days. His behavior is so confusing to me! Is there something I could have done different in this situation? Ideas on how to get him to communicate better with me? We've been together total almost 19 years so why can't we get it together??! I don't agree that it is most men. I think there are men who do this and women who do this. I think there is a large subset of the population but no one gender holds a seat on this bus.
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