Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 A guy isn't hot for you if you have to pursue him in the beginning katie. =/ I don't know what to tell you pumpkin. Maybe he's bored, or is having sex with someone else, or just has some other physical or mental thing that's messing with his libido. It's probably a bad sign though. Oh my god, I have not pursued this man at all! I rarely initiated contact in the beginning. He is the one who did all the work the first four months. It's just recently I've been more forthcoming.
xxoo Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Because it's not very attractive to be dating a man with little/no obligation and HE ends it. I'd want to be the one to end it in that case…being the younger and fairer sex. I know…double standards. But still. It's not very attractive to be the one who wants it more as the younger, fairer sex, regardless of who ends it. Wouldn't you get more out of a relationship with someone who will want sex several times a week? I'm your age, married for years, and would be frustrated with sex 1-2x a week. In a new relationship, I'd feel extremely frustrated and wonder what his problem is. What is so great about this guy, who is low sex drive and also emotionally unavailable?
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 FWB don't really care about each other or don't spend time with each other. We care about each other. The dates are well planned in advanced, rarely last minute, and there is daily contact. I would say we are a notch above FWB; maybe lovers. One time back in Feb I told him I was moving on, and he chased hard after that; texting, asking to hang out, asking when is he going to see me. Does a FWB do that? A FWB probably would have said eh, and let go. I'm not sure, though. Not at all. I have had a friend with benefits who called every day and dropped by my place 3 times a week or more just to check up on me and help me with yard chores. When you are fwb with someone for a long time you do develop affection for them and you care for them but it's not the same as having romantic feelings for them.
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 And re: the sex. Hes only turned you down once in 6 monhs. I dont know how anyone can interpret that to mean anything.
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 So back to basic, the sex. So you've been seeing each other for 6 months and for the first time, after him having a major surgery, he declines sex. Lets forget about him for a moment, lets talk about you. Why do you interpret a man declining sex once as a man losing interest? Do you think sex is your only attractive asset for him? I find interesting that when you saw him once a week you had sex, and now that you see him more than once a week sex is not happening. I think once a week is all he can supply, you just did not come to realize that before because you spend little time together. I am also not so sure he is not using viagra. The way you describe him he is in pain, on meds, and throw in the stress of it all and his age...hhhmmm... 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Is he affectionate with you? Does he express appreciation/ care in other ways besides words and sex? I will go against the grain here and say that if you feel it is progressing at he rate you are comfortable with, keep at it. Not every person/ relationship fits into the loveshack- prescribed timeline/ handbook of human behaivior, and you know better than us if you are being used.or if there is something more here. You are still free to date others, so I dont see the big deal with continuing to see him as well if you are comfortable with it and are enjoying it. Just keep your options open. My current relationship started on similar terms (tho the dynamics were probably different). We began as a ONS turned FWB. I developed feelings and was ready to commit several months in, but he wasnt ready. Most people had advised me to move on, but I felt that he had been honest with me, which I felt was the most important factor for me. Because I enjoyed being wih him, and it was meeting my needs at the time, i continued to see him, while also dating other people. We contiunued getting to know each other, and 8+ months in, he asked for a relationship on his own initiative. I am glad i stuck around, because he makes me really happy. My point is that not everyone goes at the same pace. It is only a problem if his pace is a problem for you. Some people are not as quick to let others in or to get attached. That may be a sign of emotional baggage/ immaturity, of course, and many women would not find this compatible with their style/ agenda. But if you feel he is making you happy, enjoy! He is extremely affectionate. he does not express it in other ways but sex and showing concern for life events I may be faced with, daily communication. Also remember his health prevents him from driving and sometimes using stairs and even something as simple as using a knife. I am okay with his limited offerings at the moment because I understand that he is not really in a position to offer more. but if the sex is dwindling, I'm not quite sure how to handle that, especially if he's losing interest because of boredom or depression... I really appreciate your post. people here act like its a huge red flag to be dating someone for six months while still multidating, and while I prefer not to, sometimes the circumstances don't allow for exactly what we want. And instead of fighting it, we might benefit more by going with the flow. If things work out, then it's a bonus. It seemed to have worked for you.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 And re: the sex. Hes only turned you down once in 6 monhs. I dont know how anyone can interpret that to mean anything. Twice, not once. He didn't turn down, he just didn't pursue or ask for it. Out of character.
BluEyeL Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 He could be losing interest, he may have started to talk to someone else, who knows? I think you have no way of telling other than waiting and gathering more information, seeing what happens. I understand you're not ready to move on from this fwb situation, so just waot and see.
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 My current relationship started on similar terms (tho the dynamics were probably different). We began as a ONS turned FWB. I developed feelings and was ready to commit several months in, but he wasnt ready. Most people had advised me to move on, but I felt that he had been honest with me, which I felt was the most important factor for me. Because I enjoyed being wih him, and it was meeting my needs at the time, i continued to see him, while also dating other people. We contiunued getting to know each other, and 8+ months in, he asked for a relationship on his own initiative. I am glad i stuck around, because he makes me really happy. But your story is part of the exeptions. I have waited 1 year for a man to come around and he never did. I have a friend who's been waiting around 2 years and she hangs on stories like yours, which I find unfair, because stories like yours may be what 10% successful. The word key is 'stuck around'. Who wants to 'stuck around'? You should not have to 'stuck around' for months or years to land a relationship.
road Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I don't care if we are FWB, FB, lovers or married. I just feel sad he's not wanting sex as often...when before, he was hitting it twice in 30 minutes. I wore my best bra and panties set the other night, starved myself so I would look skinny naked, and all for nothing. Duped. How old are you and him? What are his health problems?
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I also think you are making light of the op he just had, yes post op pain can be bad but often post op the pain killers are strong, the nerves are cut and there can be a sense of euphoria due to the drugs and the thought "I made it". The anaesthetic drugs and op meds can take a while to completely clear. Once that phase is over the effects of the op can kick in, tiredness, nagging pain, lack of sleep, the come down from the initial euphoria, even mild depression. I was speaking to a similarly aged chap yesterday and after a big op early 2014 he was telling me he is still tired and feeling weaker than he used to, so much so, he is cutting down his work load. Your man knows he has another op pending, that may also be playing on his mind too. 3
gaius Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Oh my god, I have not pursued this man at all! I rarely initiated contact in the beginning. He is the one who did all the work the first four months. It's just recently I've been more forthcoming. That reference was about the other person I mentioned. I would never assume you did much pursuing if he wanted to have sex with you that frequently.
Methodical Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 From the onset of your FB, FWB, or whatever label you want to pin on this relationship, sex once a week has been on the menu. I understand that you enjoy his company, the mental stimulation and engaging conversations. That's great, but obviously sex is high on your priority list and there is nothing wrong with that. That said, if the man has been unable to wipe his ass, scale some stairs, drive a car, and/or hold a knife at times, how has he been able to have hot, sweaty sex? That kind of activity requires strength and stamina, and I can't imagine a person in poor health and pain being capable of sustaining your sexual needs, especially on a more frequent basis. He has declined sexual activity twice. Perhaps early on he pushed through pain and agony bc you are 15 years his junior, attractive, ready and willing, but now he is tired of sucking up the pain to service you with every meeting. I believe he's every bit as interested as ever but his body isn't well enough to keep up with the demand. 5
Redhead14 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 FWB is basically the same as any other relationship. If you're not happy in it, you should move on. In fact, in an FWB, it should only take the sexual aspect to become unsatisfactory to cause you to move on. In an FWB, the rest of the aspects of the relationship are basically irrelevant. You would only "work" on other aspects of a relationship if it were a long-term committed, completely exclusive relationship. 2
elaine567 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 From the onset of your FB, FWB, or whatever label you want to pin on this relationship, sex once a week has been on the menu. I understand that you enjoy his company, the mental stimulation and engaging conversations. That's great, but obviously sex is high on your priority list and there is nothing wrong with that. That said, if the man has been unable to wipe his ass, scale some stairs, drive a car, and/or hold a knife at times, how has he been able to have hot, sweaty sex? That kind of activity requires strength and stamina, and I can't imagine a person in poor health and pain being capable of sustaining your sexual needs, especially on a more frequent basis. He has declined sexual activity twice. Perhaps early on he pushed through pain and agony bc you are 15 years his junior, attractive, ready and willing, but now he is tired of sucking up the pain to service you with every meeting. I believe he's every bit as interested as ever but his body isn't well enough to keep up with the demand. I agree, that is perfectly possible. He is not a well man. 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 FWB is basically the same as any other relationship. If you're not happy in it, you should move on. In fact, in an FWB, it should only take the sexual aspect to become unsatisfactory to cause you to move on. In an FWB, the rest of the aspects of the relationship are basically irrelevant. You would only "work" on other aspects of a relationship if it were a long-term committed, completely exclusive relationship. Why does it have to be either/or? I'm not quite sure I am capable of compartmentalizing this relationship like that. There is NO WAY the other aspects of this relationship are irrelevant just because it isn't labeled a long-term relationship. I think the problem is this started out in a direction of a FWB, but other facets (in addition to the physical) exist as well and it is hard to separate it all. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 That said, if the man has been unable to wipe his ass, scale some stairs, drive a car, and/or hold a knife at times, how has he been able to have hot, sweaty sex? That kind of activity requires strength and stamina, and I can't imagine a person in poor health and pain being capable of sustaining your sexual needs, especially on a more frequent basis. He has declined sexual activity twice. Perhaps early on he pushed through pain and agony bc you are 15 years his junior, attractive, ready and willing, but now he is tired of sucking up the pain to service you with every meeting. I believe he's every bit as interested as ever but his body isn't well enough to keep up with the demand. I think what might be bugging me is the inconsistency in his health. Sometimes he has flare-ups and can't do anything. Other times, he's able to walk down the street. We had sex one week post-op, and I was terrified I was going to hurt him, but he was the one who kept pushing (no pun intended) and saying, "We'll make it work." But then a month post-op, swelling has gone down (no pun intended) he's able to now hold utensils and drive and wipe his behind, but doesn't want to have sex two times in one week??? That is just inconsistent, and I can't help but take it as an intentional decline in frequency or loss of interest. So yes, he has been very consistent in planning dates and seeing me, but lately the sexual activity is not very consistent and I can't help but take it personally. This is also a man who is not very communicative with voicing how he feels. Remember he had influenza and and didn't tell me until days after he'd been lying in bed? He's done a ton of things like that, which is consistent behavior due to being an old bachelor for so long, and I accept that. I guess I just wait and see what happens. I do care about him though. Even if the sexual aspect is waning, I hate to just desert him at an awful time like this. 1
katiegrl Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 (edited) How old is he? OP said earlier he is 56... At their age, it's not "that" great a difference. PL, have YOU ever been married? Long term committed relationship? Just curious. Having had a chance to think about this further, I don't think him not wanting sex for one night indicates much. If it becomes s pattern THAT would indicate a problem. Try not to overhink... easier said than done I know, but with his health issues and all, his behavior in this regard is understandable. Plus you said you are starting to spend more time together, right? That right there indicates, his feelings haven"t changed. To the contrary, it appears they have become stronger! Which could be throwing him for a bit of a loop. Meaning, he may be starting to feel more "emotionally" connected to you. Which is definitely a good thing, and the first step in moving towards commitment! Edited April 21, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed her age
Redhead14 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 (edited) Why does it have to be either/or? I'm not quite sure I am capable of compartmentalizing this relationship like that. There is NO WAY the other aspects of this relationship are irrelevant just because it isn't labeled a long-term relationship. I think the problem is this started out in a direction of a FWB, but other facets (in addition to the physical) exist as well and it is hard to separate it all. Yes, of course, it is. The trick with entering into an FWB is to be able to manage emotions and expectations and accept that this is a sexual relationship for the most part. Yes, you're friends, but that is secondary and simply a matter of at least being able to treat each other with respect. If you aren't managing your emotions and expectations and "allowing" yourself to become more invested in it than the original intention, it is very difficult to remove that aspect from the relationship later. You say you are content with the status of the relationship which is FWB, yet you are not happy with the sex. If you're not happy with that, the original and intended substance of the relationship is gone. Since you say you are content with the relationship and don't want to move on, you simply have to accept the fact that he is unable to give you what you want when you want it and ask no questions. It is what it is and, in your case, isn't. Edited April 21, 2015 by Redhead14 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Yes, of course, it is. The trick with entering into an FWB is to be able to manage emotions and expectations and accept that this is a sexual relationship for the most part. Yes, you're friends, but that is secondary and simply a matter of at least being able to treat each other with respect. If you aren't managing your emotions and expectations and "allowing" yourself to become more invested in it than the original intention, it is very difficult to remove that aspect from the relationship later. You say you are content with the status of the relationship which is FWB, yet you are not happy with the sex. If you're not happy with that, the original and intended substance of the relationship is gone. Since you say you are content with the relationship and don't want to move on, you simply have to accept the fact that he is unable to give you what you want when you want it and ask no questions. It is what it is and, in your case, isn't. It's only been one week I am questioning the sex. I don't know if this will end up an established pattern or simply a glitch. That's why I posted here. I guess I'll just wait and see.
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I believe I have more leverage on this now than I did back then. ( I read all your threads about this guy and posted in them too so I have probably said before but it troubles me when you talk about "leverage" and stuff like that, where does that come into forming a relationship???? 1
Redhead14 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 It's only been one week I am questioning the sex. I don't know if this will end up an established pattern or simply a glitch. That's why I posted here. I guess I'll just wait and see. A week does not a pattern make. Yes, give it some time but set a limit for yourself. Don't let it go on forever either. We can't know if it's going to be established pattern either. You have to see if it becomes established A week of some kind of difference in any relationship pattern isn't anything to worry about usually anyway. My point is that I think you asked the question too soon 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 I read all your threads about this guy and posted in them too so I have probably said before but it troubles me when you talk about "leverage" and stuff like that, where does that come into forming a relationship???? We both know each other way better than we did three months ago. That's all I meant. We would miss each other more now than we would if it ended say two months in. I guess hold more value than before.
Rejected Rosebud Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Are you sure you are happier going on indefinitely with this arrangement you have now than taking the risk of pushing it and maybe ending it all by doing that?? I can't relate to you in this situation I would much rather take the big risk and maybe lose than go on as once a week cooking & sex get togethers with a man I really loved and wanted to be in a relationship with - pull off the bandaid fast that is what I would do!!! Not really advising you pl because I think we're a lot different this way 1
Gaeta Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 We both know each other way better than we did three months ago. That's all I meant. We would miss each other more now than we would if it ended say two months in. I guess hold more value than before. Of course it's holding more value but it's not the value you are hoping for. About the sex, ever thought that maybe that time he had sex post-surgery brought him a lot of pain afterward and he's hesitant to do it again? Why can't the guy recover in peace? Because he had sex once after his surgery now he needs to perform twice a week during his recovery? 1
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