Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 - I'm surprised she did not do this months ago. Based on what Pumpkin has said, I think this relationship is lack luster. I think she is doing exactly what she should at this point, multidating. Honestly, it's not as good as one would hope at this point. Yes, she should have. I don't think she's clear in her head about what she wants for herself. This is friends with benefits really. If she's happy with that, then OK, but in that case, she shouldn't be the least concerned about how he feels, whether he's losing interest, or talking to others (and she says she isn't) but the fact she mentions it at all implies that its on her mind and a source of "concern". If an FWB loses interest, so be it, eh. If she wants a real relationship, regular conversations at various points in a "relationship" need to happen. And, if the man isn't opening those conversations and she is at a point where she is wondering/fretting/assuming/obsessing, etc. it's her responsibility to herself to open those conversations. Don't be afraid of the answers. Be prepared to handle the truth and accept it an move on if need be. 5
jen1447 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 He has always been horny since I've known him. We have very compatible sex drives, until recently. Kind of an abstract comment here, but I've found that sexually advanced men and sexually advanced women don't often actually operate at the same speed for the longterm. We may be both categorically voracious, but ....well, to be blunt, men generally can't keep up. So as others have said, his true baseline may simply have been revealed here, and while he was giving you the frequency and intensity you needed in the semi-short term, he may not be able to sustain it longterm. I'm not talking about age or health in particular, just that the basic upper tier aggressive female libido prototype is a hard mark to sustain for any guy. If everything else seems ok in his case, it could be as simple as that. Is a moderate downturn something you could live with, maybe augmented by masturbation? 1
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Look at his history. Never been married. Longest relationship is three years, and that was over 20 years ago! All of his gfs last under one year. This is how he operates…but I wonder if it was the women who ended it with him or if he was the one who ended it. I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sweetie, we can't do this," and then I'll look like a sucker. Yes, Pumpkin, you will look like a sucker. I would then expect a post from you about how he used you. He didn't use you, you allowed yourself to be used by not taking responsibility for your part in the "relationship" and not making sure you two were on the same page for what you each wanted for yourselves. 5
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 To be fair, dating once a week, I didn't really know him too well to say I wanted to be in a long-term relationship with him in the early stages. How do I know this? Because I know so much more six months down the line what type of person he is than I did then. If I had the BF/GF conversation months ago, it would have never worked out…too premature, and it would be a sore disappointment. We know each other on a whole different level now where maybe that conversation is due and we know what we would be losing and gaining simply because we know each other much better. Until that conversation happens, neither of us can ask too much of the other than what is status quo, and I have to accept what it is until then.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Pain is debilitating and I would not have initiated a conversation about bf/gf statuses months ago (which would have placed the timing just before his surgery). That would be a bad move. Anyway we were supposed revisit the topic of "us" after his rehabilitation, which is what he is doing now. So yeah, maybe it's nearing the time for the conversation.
Redhead14 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 To be fair, dating once a week, I didn't really know him too well to say I wanted to be in a long-term relationship with him in the early stages. How do I know this? Because I know so much more six months down the line what type of person he is than I did then. If I had the BF/GF conversation months ago, it would have never worked out…too premature, and it would be a sore disappointment. We know each other on a whole different level now where maybe that conversation is due and we know what we would be losing and gaining simply because we know each other much better. Until that conversation happens, neither of us can ask too much of the other than what is status quo, and I have to accept what it is until then. How long do you want to maintain the status quo? It could go on this way for a really long time. And, yes, the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation probably happened too soon if it happened months before now. THis is why I said it may be the "witching" point. It's usually 4 to 6 months before that happens. You have two options: a) wait another month or so for him to bring all this up or b) you bring it up now. You bringing it up isn't going to affect his answer. His answer will be his answer regardless. So don't be afraid because you think that he will say he doesn't want to be your boyfriend just because you asked about it. If you do it in a non-pressuring, casual way, he will simply he honest about it, I'm sure. You won't change his mind by asking. But you could push him away if you pressure him or try to manipulate for sure. We know each other on a whole different level now -- you don't know him on a different level or you wouldn't be asking all these questions. You aren't communicating so how can you know anything. 2
xxoo Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If he's still active online, he's still looking for his next. He'll want to rehabilitate first. Don't set yourself up to feel used and foolish later. He is enjoying your care and company, but he has done nothing to indicate he wants a relationship. 3
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Look at his history. Never been married. Longest relationship is three years, and that was over 20 years ago! All of his gfs last under one year. - Well, never married for a man these days does not mean much... especially if he never had paternal instinct and as you say, does not like kids. Additionally, some are "married" to their careers, and men are not as interested in marriage as women are, across the board (but if the woman wants marriage, he should put a ring on it!). Okay, well he did have a 3-year relationship once in his life, that's something. I don't like the string of 1-year relationships though. This is how he operates…but I wonder if it was the women who ended it with him or if he was the one who ended it. I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sweetie, we can't do this," and then I'll look like a sucker. - Odds are the women ended it, women usually get out first when a relationship is going to end. Good for you ladies! So you can relax a little here. I hate to harp on this, but when he said he did not want to know if you were dating others, that just screams, "I don't care about you a whole lot". A man who was a top catch would never say that at that stage, I'm sorry to say.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 e. We know each other on a whole different level now -- you don't know him on a different level or you wouldn't be asking all these questions. You aren't communicating so how can you know anything. I meant before, he didn't even know how well i could cook because I kept mirroring his actions and wouldn't do more for him than he did for me. The surgery changed all that. Stressful times bring out the best/worst in people and we have experienced it together. I've seen him at his worst and at a despondent time in his life…without getting into too many details.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 - I hate to harp on this, but when he said he did not want to know if you were dating others, that just screams, "I don't care about you a whole lot". A man who was a top catch would never say that at that stage, I'm sorry to say. He said that six weeks into the relationship. We are six months out now.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 You have two options: a) wait another month or so for him to bring all this up or b) you bring it up now. You bringing it up isn't going to affect his answer. His answer will be his answer regardless. Can I assume if he doesn't say it within a month, it will never happen?
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 He said that six weeks into the relationship. We are six months out now. - I know. (It's saying my message is too short................................................................................................)
xxoo Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 This guy isn't new to the pattern. He knows how this goes. He knows when a woman wants more, and he knows how to avoid the conversation. He also knows what to do if he wants to keep a woman around for the long term. He's not doing that. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) - I know. Well, it is what it is. I enjoy my time with him, and if it's short-lived, then thanks for the memories. If it turns into something long-term, then it's a bonus, and I'll be happy. At this point, I just want him to hurry and heal so we can play. Which was really the whole reason for my post: "Is he losing interest," not "what's the proper time to ask him to commit?" Edited April 20, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin 1
veggirl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 ...does he not own pots and pans? I'm just picturing you dragging your equipment over, cooking for him and then leaving and him putting his feet up so pleased with himself. damn.
BC1980 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I'm just scared one day he'll say "Sweetie, we can't do this," and then I'll look like a sucker. Only if you push for a relationship. Otherwise, I think he's fine with things going on like this indefinitely. If you're okay with it too, I don't see the harm. 1
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Is he loosing interest? There was never a lot there to begin with, I'm sorry to say (so, it's harder to say). Let me put it another way: The flame is so low and far away in the distance, I can't tell if it's changed intensity or not, it's too hard to see (I'm going to be a romance novelist in my next life!).
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 ...does he not own pots and pans? I'm just picturing you dragging your equipment over, cooking for him and then leaving and him putting his feet up so pleased with himself. damn. He does, but I like copper cookware and my own knives. Everyone here seems to forget he was immobile and in pain when I first started cooking intensively for him!!! I didn't cook him one thing the first four months we were datingg and got yelled at in another thread for not doing so. I would have looked like a beeeyotch coming over there empty-handed, me -- with a kitchen full of thousands of dollars worth of cooking accessories and hundreds of cookbooks -- to see my pseudo boyfriend who couldn't even wipe his ass at the time.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Is he loosing interest? There was never a lot there to begin with, I'm sorry to say (so, it's harder to say). Let me put it another way: The flame is so low and far away in the distance, I can't tell if it's changed intensity or not, it's too hard to see (I'm going to be a romance novelist in my next life!). :(:(
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I think it's wonderful that you are helping him out and cooking for him, Pumpkin. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I think it's wonderful that you are helping him out and cooking for him, Pumpkin. Thank you Gary, so sweet of you to say. It makes me really happy to cook, esp. for someone who appreciates it. I do it for myself, not for him. And I'm not being kind to him to manipulate a relationship out of this. It's a symbiotic thing: He likes eating and I like cooking.
writergal Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Well, it is what it is. I enjoy my time with him, and if it's short-lived, then thanks for the memories. If it turns into something long-term, then it's a bonus, and I'll be happy. At this point, I just want him to hurry and heal so we can play. Which was really the whole reason for my post: "Is he losing interest," not "what's the proper time to ask him to commit?" Pumpkin!!! I was going to PM you today and then I saw your thread. Spooooky! ^^The above text that I bolded is the best way to handle your impatience my friend. He isn't losing interest until he actually loses interest. Right now, he's tired from his post-op meds, the honeymoon period is over, and you two have exclusivity with each other despite keeping your online dating profiles active (which neither of you is really using). Don't assume he's lost interest until he completely has. Right now, he's still interested. So, just go with the flow and see what happens. 1
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 And I'm not being kind to him to manipulate a relationship out of this. It's a symbiotic thing: He likes eating and I like cooking. - I know sweetie. You enjoy it, and have feelings for him, it's genuine affection 1
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Just because your lover doesn't want to bang your head into the headboard every time he sees you doesn't mean he is loosing interest. If the roles were reversed and you were tired would that mean you were loosing interest in him? Probably not. Try not to stress and get a toy 2
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Pumpkin!!! I was going to PM you today and then I saw your thread. Spooooky! ^^The above text that I bolded is the best way to handle your impatience my friend. He isn't losing interest until he actually loses interest. Right now, he's tired from his post-op meds, the honeymoon period is over, and you two have exclusivity with each other despite keeping your online dating profiles active (which neither of you is really using). Don't assume he's lost interest until he completely has. Right now, he's still interested. So, just go with the flow and see what happens. WRITERGAL!!!! :love: Love your post! You've been with me six months ago when he used to take 36 hours to respond to a text!! Now he's texting me throughout the day and we see each other on a consistent basis. Despite the "no bf/gf talk," things have definitely changed for the better, although the "no sex" thing really has me worried. It's not consistent with his typically horny behavior. But you've validated my feelings…there are a lot of extenuating circumstances to why he may not want to fool around. Guess I shouldn't be so hasty to think it's all about me. :love:writer gal:love: Thank you!! 1
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