juanito14 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) It has been 4 days since we broke up from our 9 month relationship and I’m not coping well at all. I wish I could be mad at her, but the only reason for the breakup is that she has no time. She is trying to get into med school, so she volunteered for a research position that will pretty much act as her full time job for a year, she has her mcat in June so she is studying hard for that, she is also in her last quarter at college, and the rest of the free time is to her family, which forces her to hang out. She would make time for me whenever she could, but then she would end up getting mad at herself for not studying like she should’ve been. To her, any of her free time is to her school and she knew she would end up resenting me for it if we have fun while she should be studying for what shes passionate about. We have had two other breakups for the same reason, but we always got back together because she realized how much she cares about me, but this time she noticed that and said it was for the best right now. Her idea is that if I’m not titled her ‘boyfriend’ that she doesn’t have the obligation to make time for me and wont feel bad. She knows its unfair to both of us with the time she has to spend. She wanted to stay friends so that I can still be in her life, and I said you want your cake and eat it too, while I would get no cake and have nothing to eat. I said if this is a breakup that I didn’t think I could stay friends with her because I knew I would keep her in my heart for even longer. She admitted that she didn’t know when she would have time and couldn’t make any promises that she would ever ask to go out with me anytime soon even if we did stay friends. I really want to text her right now though. I just found out I did well on a test that I only had 15 minutes to take and all I can think about is letting her know how I did. She was my best friend and it’s hard thinking about having a life where she’s a stranger. I texted her yesterday, because I couldn’t take it anymore, that no matter what happened I loved her and want for her to get everything shes working so hard for, and she responded pretty soon after that saying thanks and I love you too. I don’t want to lose her from my life and I’m going through mental battles right now. I know if we get back together right now it’ll just end in another month or so for the same reason as it has the last few times, but I want her to be here with me. I don’t think I can look at her as just a friend but I want her around to know I can talk to her. I don’t have any other really close friends to talk to so I’m starting to feel lonely and miss her. What is the best thing I can do right now? I know she still wants me in her life too, but is that for the best? Even if I wanted reconciliation later on, would this be a good idea? I’m struggling right now. I'm sure she's hurting from this too, but because she knew it was the best thing she could do for her future she's making it seem okay. Edited April 20, 2015 by juanito14
dangerbang Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 She has made her decision, she doesn't see a future with you. She's young and trying to become a doctor, that is her priority now, not a relationship. I can tell you now that you're wasting your time and you need to go no contact with her and try to accept that she's not coming back. IF she came back, it'd be her who'd do all the contacting etc. She's not going to do that, and any begging or pleading or bargaining from your end is only going to reenforce her decision and make her see you as weak and unattractive. It's over pal, the hardest part is accepting that but you can't move on until you do.
mightycpa Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 You don't have to lose her from your life, but I'm a little cynical, and I think this is only an excuse. I could be wrong. Try this: You want her to do well, right? She says she's basically overbooked? Call her bluff. Tell her that you'd like to stay friends too, but as her friend, you're not going to enable her escaping her studies. Tell her that you'll contact her in one month, and you will not respond to her for one month. Pick a day and pick a time and contact her then. Do not respond to her contacts in any way, shape or form. Obviously, don't contact her until then either. Enough time will have passed such that if she's being honest with you, she'll be happy to hear from you. If she's just trying to let you down gently, enough time will have passed that you'll be able to tell. I guess you have to take her at her word, but most people say stuff like that to avoid hurting you. What they fail to realize is that they're not helping anybody. I can't say if that's your GF or not, but my experience says it is. Hopefully for you, I'm wrong. My advice will tell you everything you need to know about this with the least pain.
Author juanito14 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Thats a good idea mightycpa, I feel like these are legitimate reasons though only because I know her, and the only places she goes is to school, the library, and home. I'm just scared at this point to be rejected, I already feel rejected enough, I don't want to feel it more. But at the same time most of me knows I'm better with her in my life. She helped make me a better person, and maybe thats why I'm as attached to her as I am right now. I'm used to being able to tell her anything and now I don't even know if I can message her. A lot of me wishes that this was just a bad breakup and I could hate her but I don't. She's just a really independent person who wants to do things on her own.
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 My sister has been with the same man for years. Their wedding is in June. She went through everything your ex is going through. At no point did she sacrifice her relationship for med school, but at no point did she sacrifice med school for her relationship. If your ex really wanted to make it work, she would. In other words: She doesn't want to make it work with you. 1
Author juanito14 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 @diezel thank you for your input and how you have actual experience with this kind of situation. The only other problem, which I probably should've put in the thread, is that she is also 25 and lives at home with her parents, where they keep constant tabs on her. She is not allowed to have a boyfriend so that has been a constant stress on her trying to keep me a secret to them. She is unable to go out at night, unless it is with her brother, who is 30. If she was actually able to hang out at some time I don't think we would be where we are right now, but because of the combination of everything its really rough on both of us. Her parents are crazy, but because they are paying for school and she already has experience with them taking their money back if she disobeys her its a tricky situation. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I miss her.
TunaCat Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Unfortunately until she is ready to be independent and fight for what she wants, her parents are going to rule her life. You may miss her horribly, but until she is ready to grow a backbone and stand up to her family, you'll never be able to be together. You should be with a girl who knows what she wants, goes after it no matter the cost and is willing to stand up against her super controlling family.
AIJ Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If she wanted to make it work, she would. Regardless of any circumstances. That's just the way it is. Time to move on
Author juanito14 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 @tunacat I completely agree with you. Unfortunately, what she really wants right now is to get into med school, which means working nonstop until she gets there. Sadly, it also means listening to her parents because they provide her with things she needs and things I can't give her right now as I am also about to graduate from college in a month. I don't know how a person can work at that kind of level for 4 straight months, which is what she plans to do, so I have a feeling she will crash at some point, but I can't live on hoping for that.
spiderowl Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry but if she wanted you as much as you want her, she would find time for you. She is training for a career that is important to her so it would take someone she is really keen on to drag her away from that. She just doesn't feel it's justified with you. That should tell you that she's not the one for you. It's awful when you feel more than the other person does. It is so easy to 'project' your feelings onto them and to assume they must be feeling similarly drawn, tempted and distracted by them, but please do not do this. Let the facts speak for themselves: she can't see herself finding time for you in the near future. I know it's hard to look this in the face but she is not making you anywhere near a priority in her life, no matter whether she cares for you or not. Sorry. There will be a girl out there who will make you a priority and nearly always have time for you. Don't waste your energy pining after this lost cause. You deserve better! Edited April 20, 2015 by spiderowl
joseb Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 >and the rest of the free time is to her family, which forces her to hang out. No-one forces us to do things, We do it by choice. >She would make time for me whenever she could, but then she would end up getting mad at herself for not studying You are just not important enough to her. >We have had two other breakups for the same reason, So 3 is enough. Time to move on. > I said if this is a breakup that I didn’t think I could stay friends with her because I knew I would keep her in my heart for even longer. I think you are right. Not healthy, prevents you healing and moving on. >I really want to text her right now though. I just found out I did well on a test that I only had 15 minutes to take and all I can think about is letting her know how I did. She was my best friend and it’s hard thinking about having a life where she’s a stranger. It's normal to feel like this, but you need to drop it and move on. It's tough. >What is the best thing I can do right now? Here's what I would do. Explain that you love her but you accept her decision to split up. Say that you do not want to stay friends at the moment because it will stop you healing and it's not fair on you. IF you want, leave the option to reconnect as friends in 6 months or so, but not before, as you need to get over the split. Maybe this really is a case of she is obsessed with her career right now and doesn't realise she really loves you, but I doubt it. Don't pin your hopes on getting back together. Move on.
wizer Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I have a feeling she will crash at some point, but I can't live on hoping for that. If you loved her you wouldn't be hoping she will crash. If she loved you she wouldn't have broken up with you. 1
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