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Ok to take a break after saying i love you 4 the 1st time&not hearing it back?

xosillypenguinxo

By xosillypenguinxo
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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I (25/F) just told my bf (27/M) of 6 months that I loved him and didnt hear it back. It was a bit upsetting but I reacted stronger than I thought I would. Mostly because he is not very verbal about his feelings and doesn't show affection towards me as much as I would like. I got insecure and felt that he isn't anywhere close to feeling the way I do and asked for some space and time to re-evaluate the relationship. I cried on the phone for 2 hours and all I wanted was for him to show that I am important to him and all I got was "I like you and care about you." I guess I just feel a lot more for him and expected him to make more of an effort. I told him we will talk after 2 weeks, and at that point I just wanted him to show that it would bother him to not talk for that long but he didn't and agreed to give that time to me. It's only day one and I already miss him. I wish I could take it back but at the same time, I just want him to show that I am important to him and he wants me in his life as badly as I want to be with him. I guess I am just looking for support. What if he doesn't reach out to me...would it do me any good if I told him after a few days that I want to go back to talking?

 

The main thing here is not that he didn't say ILY on cue, your problem is that generally he is not as affectionate as YOU would like him to be.

Can you be truly happy with an unaffectionate man?

That is however your issue and that is something that may be an ongoing problem. You have to consider though that some men are overly affectionate and emotionally dead, and others are not openly affectionate but they would die for you.

 

The other problem you have is that men rarely like 2 hour crying dramas, you were trying to force his hand into saying he loves you and he will not like that, whether he does or not.

YOU are now giving him an ultimatum, "Decide that you love me or else" - he will not like that either.

If he capitulates and says he loves you, is that for real? Or if he stays firm and you capitulate, then he knows he has the upper-hand and can string you along indefinitely.

He may just decide the drama is too much whether or not he loves you.

 

Another thing to consider. He may see a break as being an opportunity to see other women, many men do and that can relaly complicate things if you do decide to reconcile.

Suggesting breaks needs to be carefully thought about and only considered when you truly need to reassess the situation.

Breaks can spectacularly misfire, if one party decides the break is exactly what they needed. This break instigated by you as a punishment/ultimatum break may not achieve what you want, I am sorry to say.

 

What is the history here? Does he have a recent ex or a recent LTR before you two became a couple as that may be an issue here too?

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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Readhead:

 

If you have an article on that I would be interested in reading it.

 

Men fall in love in the spaces . . . if you are spending a lot of time together in the beginning, it kinda "delays" the love process for a man if it's going to happen. That is one good reason for space in a developing relationship. Not seeing each other too frequently and staying overnight often. Women fall in love easily and more quickly and the man often is a little behind her in that regard.

 

I do have a link to one somewhere. I'll have to search around for it. It might be on my laptop.

Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Gaeta, your last two posts about men apply to women also. Just sayin'.

 

Women and men are more alike than many of the relationship advice out there today. People and experts like to exaggerate and embellish too much.

 

But men not saying "I love you" as much as women do, if ever, is a natural difference.

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candie13 Established Member

candie13

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would have, could have, should have... what's done is done, no point crying after the spilled milk.

 

In all honesty, I don't think that a guy who was completely indifferent to you would have heard you sobbing over the phone for 2 hours, so there's hope, ok ;) ? A guy distanced emotionally would have been polite for 10 -15 minutes and then close the conversation.

 

I remember myself in my 20s and I know I could be quite hard headed and emotional and intense. I'm 34, so here's the main point (in my humble opinion): take a few days for yourself and cry your heart out. Then, get a hold of yourself and start thinking about how you want to manage this relationship and more importantly, this situation.

 

Would you feel ok to start seeing him again and not mention this episode again? Do you still feel like talking to him about his feelings? Or are you deeply inlove and unless you hear "I love you" right back, you're not gonna get peace ?

 

It's every important to know yourself and know your reactions. It's also very important to understand what your emotional needs are, at each step of your relationship, and if you find that relationship satisfying or not... In the end, saying "I love you", while considered very important traditionally, is only one aspect of your relationship.

 

For instance, I realized I was an item with my bf (like for real, in a real relationship) when we were in Paris (3 months after dating). Not because it was such a romantic city or because he wanted to go visit his father with me (they are not close), but because it's when he told me he absolutely hated my spring coat. In a very calm manner. He did try to pass the message a few times before, but I may have ignored him. He was very calm about it and he absolutely wanted to know why I liked it so much. I was laughing so hard (on the inside). And he also told me that if I ever hate anything he's wearing, I should let him know. It's a silly episode, but the way he put it made me realize "oh my god, ok, I think that's it, I have a bf now".

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xosillypenguinxo Member

xosillypenguinxo

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Most guys don't say "I love you". But you know from the way they look at you, touch you, hold you, other things they say and do.

 

But what do you mean he does not show affection? Please elaborate.

 

I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him. Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

BikerAccnt Established Member

BikerAccnt

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I've said I love you to my GF many times, she's not said it back to me once. And we've been together a bit over a year and some months.

It doesn't really bother me. I say it because I mean it, not because I want to hear It back from her. Because I want her to hear me say it.

 

 

Does she love me? I think so. She shows me in many ways. She's just unable/unwilling/scared..whatever..to say the words.

 

 

Now admittedly, I'm a lot older than the OP, and so is my GF. We've both been hurt before, and for my GF, I think saying those words is very scary to her.

 

 

I think like others have said, you need to look deeper into yourself and see why it's so important to have him say the actual words. If he did love you, you'd most likely know it. I think that's where your angst is coming from.

 

 

Its nice to hear the words, and I do hope one day my GF can say them. But for me at least, it's not a deal breaker. You need to decide for you, if it is.

Bohonia Established Member

Bohonia

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Stop playing games. He wasn't ready to say it so he didn't. You can't force someone to say I love you nor can you get upset and have a childish fit when they don't say it back. Love is not all words its also actions your actions didn't/don't show you love him they show if you don't get what you want when you want he will be punished.

candie13 Established Member

candie13

Posted
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I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him. Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

 

well... you have your answer then.

 

you an cry all the tears in your body, that will NOT change the reality. work on the acceptance.

Gary S Established Member

Gary S

Posted
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Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

 

- This is not a problem. Now, if he was pulling away, rejecting your advances, that would be a problem.

 

Does he initiate anything? A "hello" kiss and a hug at least? Does he try to get close to you when sitting/standing/laying down?

 

I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him.

 

- That's a problem. He should be saying nice, special things to you, he should be telling you sweet-nothings. This is part of romance. Women need romance like flowers need the rain, they need it to stay in love with a man.

  • Like 2
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted
I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him. Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

 

He doesn't care about you. He probably just cares about sex or whatever else you're doing for him. He is a very cold person with you. Who needs that? The last guy I dated who wouldn't hold my hand was gay. But I have to say I've even gone out with gay guys who gave me more affection than you're getting.

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Carm Established Member

Carm

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I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him. Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

 

 

Like I said in my earlier post, that I'm in a similar situation. BF hasn't said those words but his actions tells me he does. It's been almost 10 months. Once in awhile, I'll tell him I miss him, he will say it back (but never initiates it)....so far, same as you...

 

 

I would be concerned that he isn't grabbing your hand, or showing you other affections. I can't keep my guy away from me and not just when we are alone but in public as well....of course I mean in a respectful way.

 

 

I think you need to figure out if YOU are okay with it.

BlauFrau Member

BlauFrau

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At least he was honest. Too many guys just say "I love you" when they don't really mean it and cheapen the word love. Just give it time. Sometimes love takes time, especially with guys. Don't act so rashly.

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BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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I said it first to my BF, at about 6 months. He said it about two weeks later, on Valentine's day and says it daily since. But when I said it 2 or 3 times and he didn't say it back at first, I didn't freak out. If he wasn't saying it by 1 year of dating and he wouldn't have showed affection in different other ways, I would have just left.

 

But I know that when I was young, I would have reacted like you. I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work. I've done it. Crying and threatening break up just to get what you want is never working. Give space. Put limits for yourself. If you don't get what you want, just leave.

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
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I mean he never will say he misses me or that I am special/important to him. Its always me trying to hold his hand, kissing him for no reason, trying to just show affection in small ways...

If he never says that he's falling for you, he misses you etc. and not showing affection in other ways (physical etc) maybe it's time to leave. You'll never be happy with him. Find a guy who will give you what you want from a relationship. You're young, you'll be in love again. 100% sure.

  • Like 1
neowulf Established Member

neowulf

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Posted
In 1st article it says:

 

if a man isn't falling for you from an early stage - say, the first month - it isn't going to happen. Don't wait around for his feelings to "grow" the way yours sometimes do. They will not.

 

I really really believe that!

 

+1

 

Yeah.. learnt that the hard way...

  • Like 1
Carm Established Member

Carm

Posted
Posted
In 1st article it says:

 

if a man isn't falling for you from an early stage - say, the first month - it isn't going to happen. Don't wait around for his feelings to "grow" the way yours sometimes do. They will not.

 

I really really believe that!

 

 

 

I kind of agree with this BUT if a man does not verbally express that how on earth does someone know if they are....

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted
I kind of agree with this BUT if a man does not verbally express that how on earth does someone know if they are....

 

Men will take longer to say ILY but you will hear plenty of I miss you - I think about you - I can't wait to see you - you are special to me - you're an amazing woman - I want to be with you....

 

Things OP's boyfriend does not say ever on top of not showing physical affection

 

Even if OP's boyfriend was in love with her, who wants to be loved in that manner? If the man in my life loves me but never ever expresses sentiment verbally or physical, sorry, that's not the kind of love I want in my life. That is a very low-grade love to me.

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Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Men will take longer to say ILY but you will hear plenty of I miss you - I think about you - I can't wait to see you - you are special to me - you're an amazing woman - I want to be with you....

 

- Yes, the good guys who love a woman will say things like this all the time.

fred123 Established Member

fred123

Posted
Posted
- Yes, the good guys who love a woman will say things like this all the time.

 

Yes but the good guys never get the women lol.

The other day i said i missed you to a girl iv been talking/skyping for a while. We hadnt talked in 4 days and i said i missed u. She said haha it hasnt been that long

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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She said haha it hasnt been that long

 

She was flattered and it was her way to tease you. You missed reading that didn't you.

Gary S Established Member

Gary S

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Posted
She was flattered and it was her way to tease you. You missed reading that didn't you.

 

- Exactly. You should have replied, "Would you like your spanking now or later?!"

Carm Established Member

Carm

Posted
Posted
Men will take longer to say ILY but you will hear plenty of I miss you - I think about you - I can't wait to see you - you are special to me - you're an amazing woman - I want to be with you....

 

Things OP's boyfriend does not say ever on top of not showing physical affection

 

Even if OP's boyfriend was in love with her, who wants to be loved in that manner? If the man in my life loves me but never ever expresses sentiment verbally or physical, sorry, that's not the kind of love I want in my life. That is a very low-grade love to me.

 

 

Doesn't a good morning text, or a sweet dreams text say the same thing? To me it says, I'm thinking about you when I wake up or just before I fall asleep.

 

 

I would be concerned OP about not only not saying nice things and texts to start or end the day but also the lack of initiating any physical expressions of love.

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