Ok to take a break after saying i love you 4 the 1st time&not hearing it back?

April 20, 2015

I (25/F) just told my bf (27/M) of 6 months that I loved him and didnt hear it back. It was a bit upsetting but I reacted stronger than I thought I would. Mostly because he is not very verbal about his feelings and doesn't show affection towards me as much as I would like. I got insecure and felt that he isn't anywhere close to feeling the way I do and asked for some space and time to re-evaluate the relationship. I cried on the phone for 2 hours and all I wanted was for him to show that I am important to him and all I got was "I like you and care about you." I guess I just feel a lot more for him and expected him to make more of an effort. I told him we will talk after 2 weeks, and at that point I just wanted him to show that it would bother him to not talk for that long but he didn't and agreed to give that time to me. It's only day one and I already miss him. I wish I could take it back but at the same time, I just want him to show that I am important to him and he wants me in his life as badly as I want to be with him. I guess I am just looking for support. What if he doesn't reach out to me...would it do me any good if I told him after a few days that I want to go back to talking?

Edited April 20, 2015 by xosillypenguinxo

April 20, 2015

Relationship problems are not fixed by time apart. They are fixed by open, honest communication.

Unfortunately it seems that you are correct, he simply does not feel the same as you do. Now you have to figure out what you want to do with that information. Do you want to remain in a relationship with someone who does not feel the same as you do? Or do you want to find someone who loves you back?

April 20, 2015

I (25/F) just told my bf (27/M) of 6 months that I loved him and didnt hear it back. It was a bit upsetting but I reacted stronger than I thought I would. Mostly because he is not very verbal about his feelings and doesn't show affection towards me as much as I would like. I got insecure and felt that he isn't anywhere close to feeling the way I do and asked for some space and time to re-evaluate the relationship. I cried on the phone for 2 hours and all I wanted was for him to show that I am important to him and all I got was "I like you and care about you." I guess I just feel a lot more for him and expected him to make more of an effort. I told him we will talk after 2 weeks, and at that point I just wanted him to show that it would bother him to not talk for that long but he didn't and agreed to give that time to me. It's only day one and I already miss him. I wish I could take it back but at the same time, I just want him to show that I am important to him and he wants me in his life as badly as I want to be with him. I guess I am just looking for support. What if he doesn't reach out to me...would it do me any good if I told him after a few days that I want to go back to talking?

Asking for space in the relationship as a tool for getting him to come closer to you, is not the right approach. Asking for space so that you can evaluate how the relationship is working for you, is the reason to ask for space. It's for you, not him. Albeit, sometimes it happens that the man will miss you and come to you, but that should not be your expectation. What you have done in this case, may come off as trying to control him. He's not gonna like that.

Take the space you've requested. If he contacts you during this time, you respond once to reiterate your desire for space and that you will contact him at the end of that period. You've taken this road, you need to stick to it and do the evaluating you need to do.

"doesn't show affection towards me as much as I would like." -- when/if you two do start talking again, you'll need to address this with him in a calm way to find out if he's not showing as much affection toward you because he truly isn't an affectionate person and whether or not you can live with it. If he says he's willing to be more affectionate for you and does it, then you can move forward. It may just be a compatibility issue.

You did overreact to him not saying I love you back in a big way and he likely felt pressured and caught off guard, so his default response would be something less than "commital".

Men are typically not verbal about their feelings. They will show you in lots of ways that they love you and if he's doing that, you won't really feel the need to hear those words. It's nice, sure, but don't expect it or make it a condition for the relationship.

Since you are feeling the need to hear those words, it sounds as if he really isn't showing you enough. If he does show you in some actions but it's just not enough for you, he may not be the one for you.

Wait until the end of the "space" period and communicate in a calm, non-confrontational, non-controlling way.

April 20, 2015

I agree with the above^

Trying to take a break in order to 'make him realize' he loves and misses you isn't going to work. I know in your heart you think "Once he realizes I'm gone for a few days and he misses me, he'll come back and tell me he loves me". This type of manipulation rarely works, and even if it did... I'd always wonder if my partner just said it to me in order to placate me.

Best thing would have been to just communicate to him that you understand if he's not there yet, but you wanted to get your own feelings out there. Understand that some people just take a longer time to fall in love (not unusual for the man especially) and trying to push someone to get that point typically has the opposite effect and drives them away.

Right now you need to decide if you're ok with him not loving you right now. If you want to give it a little more time and see if he gets there, then do so. But do not create a sense of urgency about it. However, if you realize your BF is just not the affectionate type, and he doesn't seem to be coming around to the idea in a few more months... then you may need to reconsider this relationship. There are plenty of other men who will love you with everything they have. I always go back to the idea (stolen from a stupid FB quote post, but hey it's true) that there are a lot of things we tend to 'settle' for in life... modest house, economical car, good job. Not everything in life can be AMAZING, but love shouldn't be one of those things you settle for. If you're going to fall in love with someone, make sure you're not settling for a 'just ok' relationship, but something that is amazing and fulfilling. Otherwise it's just a waste of time.

April 20, 2015

100% agree with RedHead! Take the time you asked for. Do NOT contact him. Get right with yourself.

April 20, 2015

Reading somenof these threads, I cannot help but wonder: are women really crazy?

Sorry about the joke. You reacted poorly. Men don't like drama. Do just what redhead said, and, in addition, start some self work to avoid such outbursts in the future, or you'll make all men you'll date run.

April 20, 2015

Reading somenof these threads, I cannot help but wonder: are women really crazy?

Sorry about the joke. You reacted poorly. Men don't like drama. Do just what redhead said, and, in addition, start some self work to avoid such outbursts in the future, or you'll make all men you'll date run.

I wasn't trying to create drama. Opening yourself up completely to someone and not receiving anything back puts you in a vulnerable state and my reaction was just a result of that. Men dont tend to feel emotion as strongly as women but it doesn't make a woman crazy if she cries when hurt.

April 20, 2015

personally, i don't care who says I love you first. If you have a real relationship and you feel safe with him, I believe it is important to share how you feel. You say I love you because it matters to you, because it is important for you to share it, not because you are expect to hear it back.

It appears that you're insecure and need a little reassurance and comforting. While there are no guarantees that a person will ever say "I love you" back or that they will fall inlove with you, I believe that other signs tell the true story of your relationship. Do you have stuff planned in the future? Weekends, events, holidays? Does he include you in important events of his life - such as attending family dinners or marriages, etc? Talk to you when he is upset or stressed? Seeks comfort in you? Seeks to share happy moments with you?

These are the things that show that you mean a lot to him.

It also seems that you've hurried a bit and tried to emotionally blackmail the guy. It backfired. Manipulation fires back, like that. Now, you are 25, old enough to handle this situation with grace and style. Take your time away from him, do NOT stalk him with emails and messages, act normal and serene and see what happens next.

cheers, girl

April 20, 2015

I wasn't trying to create drama. Opening yourself up completely to someone and not receiving anything back puts you in a vulnerable state and my reaction was just a result of that. Men dont tend to feel emotion as strongly as women but it doesn't make a woman crazy if she cries when hurt.

Actually you got that wrong. Men feel emotions very deeply and maybe even deeper than women do. We, women, are just more expressive of it. Also, men fall in love faster than women do. Men go through 2 steps before falling in love and we go through 3.

I personally think if after 6 months a man is not in love with me he will never be. For a man 6 months is plenty of time to fall for you. If you are looking for a life partner, a man to share a life with, If I were you I would move on, he's not the one.

April 20, 2015

Actually you got that wrong. Men feel emotions very deeply and maybe even deeper than women do. We, women, are just more expressive of it. Also, men fall in love faster than women do. Men go through 2 steps before falling in love and we go through 3.

I personally think if after 6 months a man is not in love with me he will never be. For a man 6 months is plenty of time to fall for you. If you are looking for a life partner, a man to share a life with, If I were you I would move on, he's not the one.

Care to share those steps?

April 20, 2015

I wasn't trying to create drama. Opening yourself up completely to someone and not receiving anything back puts you in a vulnerable state and my reaction was just a result of that. Men dont tend to feel emotion as strongly as women but it doesn't make a woman crazy if she cries when hurt.

I totally feel for you. It was a difficult thing.

Crying for a few minutes after the "event" with him and then reganing your composure doesn't come off as crazy. Crying for 2 hours is a little over the top. Plain and simple. It is OK, to let him know you are hurt, of course, but going on and on serves no purpose. It comes off as needy and/or trying to control by drawing sympathy. Not only that, when you take a leap of faith like you did, you cannot do it from the position of being vulnerable. When you say it, you need to be prepared to a) not hear it back or b) have them tell you flat out they don't love you. Crying and being overly emotional isn't going to change their mind.

Any time you open a conversation, ask about something or express a need or emotion, you need to be able to manage it in a way that makes is at least a little easier for the person to address. When you can't maintain your composure, it makes it difficult and uncomfortable for the other person. You don't want them to tell you what you want to hear just because they can't stand the outburst and later retract anyway. You want to hear or know the truth.

And, you have to be able to handle the truth . . .

April 20, 2015

When a guy goes emotionally dead on you like that and doesn't try to talk you out of feeling unhappy about it, he knows he's not that invested and just isn't going to pretend he is and lead you on. Now, his thought process is probably just going to be, Well, if she still wants to go out with me after this, that's on her and I didn't lie to her, so not my responsibility. Six months is long enough that if he feels anything, he should have said so.

Now, you can also look at his actions, because they do count for more. But he said "care about you" and that's just a way of avoiding saying "I love you." But if his actions are that he is involved in your life to the point of really trying to help you and being protective and he's never doing anything to make you have to guess if he's sneaking around (in other words, being open and he's not trying to hide things or tell you they're none of your business) and he's just in general looking after your well-being, well, then at least he's a good man. But that doesn't mean you're the one he's in love with. He may already know you're not the one, or he may just not be at all ready for love or be unable to love.

April 20, 2015

I do think you reacted poorly to him not saying it back. I understand why you would feel sad and disappointed by not hearing it back and I even understand the reason you would cry and want to express that sadness to him (to maybe get some reassurance from him), but next time when you're feeling a flood of emotion like that, take a step back and don't communicate with him until you have dealt with the emotion yourself. Because, from personal experience, when I am flooded with emotion, I am not thinking rationally at all. You could have even expressed your sadness to him, but crying on the phone to him for two hours wasn't the appropriate way to react for either one of you or the relationship. I tried to be with a man who wasn't as affectionate or verbal as I desired. I would rub his neck while he was driving, kiss on him, tell him how adorable and sweet he was, endlessly and most of the time I didn't feel the need for anything to be said back, but I was always thinking how nice it'd be if he would reciprocate more. For the duration of the very short lived relationship, I tried to be okay with it and accept that he just wasn't good at communicating his feelings or affections, in the end, I couldn't deal with it and we broke up. However, he was the first one to "Tell me" he loved me, only after a month or so (over text). I never said it to him.

I recommend letting a man tell you he loves you first. It has never steered me wrong.

It's a romantic notion to be able to recklessly give your heart and feelings to someone you have feelings for, but you must be careful with it. Most people are either undeserving of it or do not appreciate it. Keep your head up, sweetie. Don't contact him, be the strong woman that you are and keep to what you said. Take this time to evaluate how you truly feel about the relationship and if this is something you can deal with (his lack of affection). Trust me, after two weeks, I think things will start to look different.

April 20, 2015

I wasn't trying to create drama. Opening yourself up completely to someone and not receiving anything back puts you in a vulnerable state and my reaction was just a result of that. Men dont tend to feel emotion as strongly as women but it doesn't make a woman crazy if she cries when hurt.

I totally feel for you. It was a difficult thing.

Crying for a few minutes after the "event" with him and then regaining your composure doesn't come off as crazy. Crying for 2 hours is a little over the top. Plain and simple. It is OK, to let him know you are hurt, of course, but going on and on serves no purpose. It comes off as needy and/or trying to control by drawing sympathy. Not only that, when you take a leap of faith like you did, you cannot do it from the position of being vulnerable. When you say it, you need to be prepared to a) not hear it back or b) have them tell you flat out they don't love you. Crying and being overly emotional isn't going to change their mind.

Any time you open a conversation, ask about something or express a need or emotion, you need to be able to manage it in a way that makes is at least a little easier for the person to address. When you can't maintain your composure, it makes it difficult and uncomfortable for the other person. You don't want them to tell you what you want to hear just because they can't stand the outburst and later retract anyway. You want to hear or know the truth.

And, you have to be able to handle the truth . . .

April 20, 2015

personally, i don't care who says I love you first. If you have a real relationship and you feel safe with him, I believe it is important to share how you feel. You say I love you because it matters to you, because it is important for you to share it, not because you are expect to hear it back.

100%. This is the problem nowadays, people don't say it just because they feel it, they say it because they want to hear it in return.

April 20, 2015

Due to my experience, if a girl told me "I need 2 weeks apart" I would just accept it. I dont think being apart due to not hearing what you want is kinda selfish. You wanted to hear a forced I love you?

April 20, 2015

100%. This is the problem nowadays, people don't say it just because they feel it, they say it because they want to hear it in return.

Usually, you say it because you're feeling loved as well. If you say it without feeling the love from the other person, you probably already know the love isn't mutual but are thinking that pushing that button will evoke it or jump start it. If they don't say it back you can wait from them to catch up or move on. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they are obligated to love you back. It is what it is. You can't make someone love you but you can make it more difficult for them to do so.

April 20, 2015

Most guys don't say "I love you". But you know from the way they look at you, touch you, hold you, other things they say and do.

But what do you mean he does not show affection? Please elaborate.

April 20, 2015

I feel for you and to be honest, I'm in a similar situation. I have told my bf that I did fall for him. We've been together for almost 10 months. The most I got back was that he was falling in love with me.

Why am I staying? Because he's actions tell me a totally different story. On top of the that he's eye's tell me what his lips have not yet said.

A close gf of mine waited for 1 1/2 years to hear her bf tell her. Like me, she knew he did but it killed her not to hear it back. BTW, I asked him when he knew he loved her and he said it was very early in the relationship but he wasn't ready to utter the words.

Many men are not verbal with their feelings BUT have a look at his actions, they will tell you...and listen to your gut. We ALL have a gut feeling but many people don't really pay attention to it.

April 20, 2015

Since she was feeling the need to find out if he loved her because his actions weren't demonstrating it well enough, the way to handle this would have been to open a casual, non-confrontational conversation that would essentially have taken the "temperature" of the relationship.

The conversation would go something like this: "I've been enjoying the time we've spent together over the last 6 months. My feelings for you have grown immensely and I can see you in my future". And then, let him talk.

April 20, 2015

Care to share those steps?

I can't find the article I was reading last night but here are 2 very interesting ones.

Men do not fall in love gradually.

The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do

How Quickly Do Men Fall In Love?

April 20, 2015

I can't find the article I was reading last night but here are 2 very interesting ones.

Men do not fall in love gradually.

The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do

How Quickly Do Men Fall In Love?

Men fall in love in the spaces . . . if you are spending a lot of time together in the beginning, it kinda "delays" the love process for a man if it's going to happen. That is one good reason for space in a developing relationship. Not seeing each other too frequently and staying overnight often. Women fall in love easily and more quickly and the man often is a little behind her in that regard.

April 20, 2015

Men do fall in love faster than women do. But we are only taking a week earlier, lol... so it's not a big deal.

Suffice it to say, if she is sane, he should be in love by now if he ever would be, because she is.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Gary S

April 20, 2015

In 1st article it says:

if a man isn't falling for you from an early stage - say, the first month - it isn't going to happen. Don't wait around for his feelings to "grow" the way yours sometimes do. They will not.

I really really believe that!

April 20, 2015

Readhead:

If you have an article on that I would be interested in reading it.

Men fall in love in the spaces . . . if you are spending a lot of time together in the beginning, it kinda "delays" the love process for a man if it's going to happen. That is one good reason for space in a developing relationship. Not seeing each other too frequently and staying overnight often. Women fall in love easily and more quickly and the man often is a little behind her in that regard.

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Ok to take a break after saying i love you 4 the 1st time&not hearing it back?

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