Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) tnx for opinions, i just cant figure her out... i know she was not cheating - knowing her character she is the last one to do it, if i d find out she did i think i will never be able to trust ANY woman again because i really dont see her do that... i think that period when she was eager to have sex was when we were both on top of the honeymoon phase 6 - 9 months into relationship. as i said i cant figure her out - after first sex i had to wait 2 months to have sex again... during that time she was very eager to see me, was very affectionate, caring, talking about what we are going to do after few months (talking about future).. all i can say she was into me but she did everything to avoid sex. When we ahd sex for the 2nd time she said during sex 'we should do this more often'... what can i think... and after that i had to wait another month... She has also never gave me any feedback during sex - what she likes how fast/slow... nothing ever! when i asked her what to do to please her she said she likes everything and dont worry or something like that... the only explanation i have is that she was willing to have sex when everything was superb and she was 100% happy with relationship. Maybe she is demisexual.... i dont understant how can healthy woman at 27 abstain from sex for 4,5,6,7 week in a row and isnt bothered. i told her sex is important to me several times during relationship. She was open and even eager to solve oour problem but it was just words, no action from her part. since there was no changes i became more and more resentful since i had a feeling she doesnt give a single f*ck about my needs.. sometimes i was acting or saying things that i knew might hurt her or bother just to get back at her. it was me being angry, resentful since nothing change and problem was ignored by her side... that was immature and stupid and i regret it every single day... i usually apologized after my antics but i think they did nothing but harm. I was thinking that if she is not even willing to TRY and meet me halfway, knowing that this is important to me, I'm not really sure that she loved me at all or is incredibly selfish. She also has some unresolved issues with her father from her childhood which affected her (he left the family) but she was not abused sexually... i dont know what to think, the thought that I WAS TO BLAME for her not wanting sex with me is killing me bacause that si what destroyed our relationship. When we had sex i was very good boyfriend for at least 2 weeks not because i had sex but because i feel loved and satisfied in relationship... but after 4,5,6 weeks i was getting more and more frustrated. the fact she wasnt bothered with the lack of sex was killing me even more then the fact i was not getting any. ONE MORE THING - I know it sound like sex is the most important from what i wrote but the fact is im so frustrated. Keep in mind we didnt have sex for 7 weeks - I brought it up, talked about it, she was eager to solve a problem - then another 7 weeks went by and she was not bothered - nothing changed. im pretty young at 27 - i have a need in relationship, i feel im not loved and wanted when she isnt bothered about my needs and sex in general... i m aslo thinking that maybe i was not spontaneous enough, but then again, she could have done or at least said something about it if that was something that was turning her on.. but she never did. Edited April 22, 2015 by whatdonow
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 i think that period when she was eager to have sex was when we were both on top of the honeymoon phase 6 - 9 months into relationship. I guess the honeymoon stuff was when she was happiest but when things didn't progress and you even moved into your own place and never even considered her, she started to withdrew and she realised she was the one that was working at the relationship and you were sitting back. At a year she probably was looking for a proposal, but it never came. Add in your dissatisfaction with the sex, you probably were giving off a bad vibe, and she probably sensed that you weren't fully on board with her view of the future, ie marriage and babies, and that made her withdraw even more. Women in their late twenties are looking to settle down, you gave her no indication that is what you wanted, you even moved into your new place, excellent opportunity to move stuff forward, but you didn't do it, and that sent her a message. You were obsessed with sex and your insecurity around the sex, but you failed to see why she was not interested. She gradually lost her emotional connection with you and once that is lost, her desire for sex decreased and now she has dumped you.
Redhead14 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 tnx for opinions, i just cant figure her out... i know she was not cheating - knowing her character she is the last one to do it, if i d find out she did i think i will never be able to trust ANY woman again because i really dont see her do that... i think that period when she was eager to have sex was when we were both on top of the honeymoon phase 6 - 9 months into relationship. as i said i cant figure her out - after first sex i had to wait 2 months to have sex again... during that time she was very eager to see me, was very affectionate, caring, talking about what we are going to do after few months (talking about future).. all i can say she was into me but she did everything to avoid sex. When we ahd sex for the 2nd time shes aid during sex 'we should do this more often'... what can i think... and after that i had to wait another month... She has also never gave me any feedback during sex - what she likes how fast/slow... nothing ever! when i asked her what to do to please her she said she likes everything and dont worry or something like that... the only explanation i have is that she was willing to have sex when everything was superb and she was 100% happy with relationship. i dont understant how can healthy woman at 27 abstain from sex for 4,5,6,7 week in a row and isnt bothered. i told her sex is important to me several times during relationship. She was open and even eager to solve oour problem but it was just words, no action from her part. since there was no changes i became more and more resetfull since i had a feeling she doesnt giva a single f*ck about my needs.. I was thinking that if she is not even willing to TRY and meet me halfway, knowing that this is important to me, I'm not really sure that she loved me at all or is incredibly selfish. She also has some unresolved issues with her father from her childhood which affected her (he left the family) but she was not abused sexually... i dont know what to think, the thought that I WAS TO BLAME for her not wanting sex with me is killing me bacause that si what destroyed our relationship. When we had sex i was very good boyfriend for at least 2 weeks not because i had sex but because i feel loved and satisfied in relationship... Her not wanting to have sex is not about blame. It is her issue alone. I'm tending to lean toward a bigger issue for her. Although you say she wasn't sexually abused, that may not be true. People who have been sexually abused will hide it for many, many years in some cases. And, a lot of times they will hide it from themselves through denial and/or repression. Bottomline though, is she isn't meeting your needs and half-hearted in her attempts. I do not advocate using sexual issues to determine whether or not you stay in a relationship without at least attempting to work them out. You have done that and it's just becoming clear that you two are not compatible in that area. It does not sound like you are "bad" in bed. It sounds like you are a generous lover and willing to try to please her. A woman who doesn't appreciate it and actively participate in it, doesn't or wouldn't really like sex with anyone I'd say. "the only explanation i have is that she was willing to have sex when everything was superb and she was 100% happy with relationship." She was reluctant at best in the beginning of the relationship -- have sex, wait a month, have sex wait -- go, stop, go. I wouldn't be surprised is there is an element of shame for her in all this. When we had sex i was very good boyfriend for at least 2 weeks not because i had sex but because i feel loved and satisfied in relationship... Basically, you're saying you only felt loved and satisfied in the relationship for 2 weeks out of a 2 year relationship? You also mentioned something about worrying that she just wants a relationship -- I'm afraid that's what it is for you . . . you just want a relationship even if you aren't happy. You've been dealing with this for 2 years and yet reluctant to move on. Why is that? I would end the relationship if I were you. The rest of the relationship will crumble as well over time and it has begun to already.
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 When we had sex i was very good boyfriend for at least 2 weeks not because i had sex but because i feel loved and satisfied in relationship... Basically, you're saying you only felt loved and satisfied in the relationship for 2 weeks out of a 2 year relationship? . What i am saying is that after every time we had sex - i was happy with her for at least 2 weeks. i would be perfectly happy with sex twice per month and super happy with regular sex once a week. thats enough for me... Well in my mind our relationship was nowhere close to moving in together. i didnt even think about to suggest her to move in with me - WHY? because she showed no interest to even come to my place for 2 whole months. We live 15 min away (driving) but when she was invited everything seemed more important then me. it just doesnt add up - to hope i was gonna invite her to move in when her actions/deeds spoke complete opposite.
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 I guess the honeymoon stuff was when she was happiest but when things didn't progress and you even moved into your own place and never even considered her, she started to withdrew and she realised she was the one that was working at the relationship and you were sitting back. At a year she probably was looking for a proposal, but it never came. Add in your dissatisfaction with the sex, you probably were giving off a bad vibe, and she probably sensed that you weren't fully on board with her view of the future, ie marriage and babies, and that made her withdraw even more. Women in their late twenties are looking to settle down, you gave her no indication that is what you wanted, you even moved into your new place, excellent opportunity to move stuff forward, but you didn't do it, and that sent her a message. You were obsessed with sex and your insecurity around the sex, but you failed to see why she was not interested. She gradually lost her emotional connection with you and once that is lost, her desire for sex decreased and now she has dumped you. Well in my mind our relationship was nowhere close to moving in together. i didnt even think about to suggest her to move in with me - WHY? because she showed no interest to even come to my place for 2 whole months. We live 15 min away (driving) but when she was invited everything seemed more important then me. it just doesnt add up - to hope i was gonna invite her to move in when her actions/deeds spoke complete opposite.
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) Well in my mind our relationship was nowhere close to moving in together. i didnt even think about to suggest her to move in with me - WHY? because she showed no interest to even come to my place for 2 whole months. We live 15 min away (driving) but when she was invited everything seemed more important then me. it just doesnt add up - to hope i was gonna invite her to move in when her actions/deeds spoke complete opposite. BUT "sometimes i was acting or saying things that i knew might hurt her or bother just to get back at her. it was me being angry, resentful since nothing change and problem was ignored by her side... that was immature and stupid and i regret it every single day... i usually apologized after my antics but i think they did nothing but harm." Women remember everything and stuff like that chips away at the emotional connection. NO emotional connection = NO sex Edited April 22, 2015 by elaine567
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) BUT "sometimes i was acting or saying things that i knew might hurt her or bother just to get back at her. it was me being angry, resentful since nothing change and problem was ignored by her side... that was immature and stupid and i regret it every single day... i usually apologized after my antics but i think they did nothing but harm." Women remember everything and stuff like that chips away at the emotional connection. NO emotional connection = NO sex yes, i understand that, but i feel you are defending her... from this perspective everything is on my shoulders... there are 2 people in relationship, both have to put some effort for things to work. thinking this way is a cycle - something like: which one was first - an egg or a chicken... She can say she didnt want to have sex because there were no emotional connection and i can say there were no emotional connection because of no sex... Well what about that - i took her on a date, took her on a dinner and we had great time (both of us - i knew she loved it), make or attend some other stuff am not eager to, but did it because i knew it meant a lot to her... but when weekend comes and she still didnt invite me to spend a night at her place. of course i lost interest to do stuff like this since i got a feeling she is not willing to do anything for me - something in return. I think relationship at this stage - 1 year and a half - shouldnt be that hard. we should be both in the first flush - we should be at it like rabbits in my opinion. But we never were - not even at the beginning. Im pretty sure that is not normal to have zero urge for sex for someone you love at that age for so looooong... Edited April 22, 2015 by whatdonow 2
Author whatdonow Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) sorry for the bump, but id really like to hear some more opinions, they are very different so i do not know... I just need a closure - something that convince me what actually happened and if im the one to blame, because some posts in this thread are complete opposite. Edited April 23, 2015 by whatdonow
lil_missy Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I just read your story and agree with the posters that said it wasn't your fault. From ur story it really isn't your fault. She didn't have sex for a yr with her ex and Prob very infrequent before that. She just doesn't like sex and it's not cause ur bad or anything. And she's prob not that attracted to you yes, or any other guys! She could be into girls actually! I know I have tried to hide my attraction to girls for a long time, and sometimes don't get as turned on by guys. But I def still get turned on by guys that I'm into. Sure u said some mean things to her, but u were reacting to her. And ppl say mean things to their partners when their angry. It's common. Look at the grand scheme of things You sound like a you were a good bf. And she didn't really give a **** bout ur needs and broke up with u using a lame excuse. So she doesn't feel like the bad guy. Move on and find someone more into you. Nothing much more to it
soyou Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Hi OP, I'm happy for you that you took an intiative to break up with you. I promise you that your sex life will get richer and more diversifiedin the future. You will have chance to try different women and practice more instead of begging for sex most of the time. If the sex doest get right after a few months, it hardly ever hards better. Sometimes, it's not that you SUCK in bed or bad at sex, it's just that people do have different style and preference. If there is a mismatch, everything you do will lead to a disappointment no matter what. Nobody is bad at sex if that person is eager to learn to pleasure their partner.
Author whatdonow Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 tnx for kind words... the thing that would completely devastate me is if a somehow find out she hasnt had sex problems with ex bfs... or she wont have it with the next guy... thinking back - she has never really enjoyed foreplay with me... there were couple of times she just pull over her shirt right after kissing and touching private parts started. If i didnt do the same soon after and continue kissing and touching her slowly she said something like 'why dont you get naked' and i always replied 'i will, why the rush?' that was kinda strange to me... she got naked instantly, always... like she is in a hurry. i hadnt put too much thought about it since she is my first and im not experienced but i think women most of the time want some foreplay. I always gave her head and after a while - if i didnt stop doing it myself- she always said 'come to me' to continue in missionary position. She has never gave me any response what she likes/doesnt like, how fast/slow... She has never made a sound during sex. i was noticing her reactions during sex when she was not looking at me and all i can say from watching her facial expression is she was enjoying... but again, i dont know what is normal or not since i have no former lover to compere her to. however she always put an effort to satisfy me, never had any problem giving me head.. but i had to wait another 4,5,6,7 weeks to see her naked again. Our sex issue literally killed our relationship. I loved (and still do) her very much and i could see myself with her but i just couldt be myself anymore around her since my needs were never met - didnt matter to her. Even after i was sincere and honest how important sex is to me. Nothing changed... looks like sex with me was a real burden for her since she did nothing about the issue we had about the lack of sex, or she just didnt love me enough to consider my needs important enough...which means she is incredibly selfish.
Redhead14 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 tnx for kind words... the thing that would completely devastate me is if a somehow find out she hasnt had sex problems with ex bfs... or she wont have it with the next guy... thinking back - she has never really enjoyed foreplay with me... there were couple of times she just pull over her shirt right after kissing and touching private parts started. If i didnt do the same soon after and continue kissing and touching her slowly she said something like 'why dont you get naked' and i always replied 'i will, why the rush?' that was kinda strange to me... she got naked instantly, always... like she is in a hurry. i hadnt put too much thought about it since she is my first and im not experienced but i think women most of the time want some foreplay. I always gave her head and after a while - if i didnt stop doing it myself- she always said 'come to me' to continue in missionary position. She has never gave me any response what she likes/doesnt like, how fast/slow... She has never made a sound during sex. i was noticing her reactions during sex when she was not looking at me and all i can say from watching her facial expression is she was enjoying... but again, i dont know what is normal or not since i have no former lover to compere her to. however she always put an effort to satisfy me, never had any problem giving me head.. but i had to wait another 4,5,6,7 weeks to see her naked again. Our sex issue literally killed our relationship. I loved (and still do) her very much and i could see myself with her but i just couldt be myself anymore around her since my needs were never met - didnt matter to her. Even after i was sincere and honest how important sex is to me. Nothing changed... looks like sex with me was a real burden for her since she did nothing about the issue we had about the lack of sex, or she just didnt love me enough to consider my needs important enough...which means she is incredibly selfish. like she is in a hurry. -- Yes, she is likely just wanting to get it over with. Not only that she sounds as if she is being "mechanical" about it and doing it out of a sense of obligation. Another sign of sexual abuse or sense of shame about the act. It doesn't necessarily mean it's selfish. It means she's not engaged on that level and dissociating from the act. You can't fix that for her.
Mjm1014 Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 I agree with the above posters..you need to reevaluate things if she's hurting you emotionally because of sex. She doesn't seem that thrilled about it now, how will she feel about it in 10-20 years when the spark isn't as strong (it could be but for many it's not). I've dated a few girls like this, and I think to myself, if we are hardly doing it now, how will I feel if I marry this girl and one day she tells me she only wants to do it once a year...that would suck! As far sucking in bed, I wouldn't worry...I've been there especially after dry spells. Watch porn to get ideas-that helps a lot. First time I had sex, girl threw her hands over her face and started shaking her head then started saying no no no this sex sucks!!!! Hahahaha it can't be as bad as that!!!!
preraph Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 i do agree with you that your relationship was nowhere near her moving in. It may be she is looking for a free ride or something, so maybe you dodged a bullet. As far as your comment about women not going several weeks without sex -- it's just not as urgent as it is with men. It's hard to explain, but it usually only gets very urgent when a woman is really feeling it for a guy in some way. Like if she has no guy or no one on her mind, she may not be thinking about sex very much like men do. Plus, of course, there's always masturbation. No, it's not the same as a warm body, but it is actually better than some guy just using you for sex because that's not really warm either. The way I've always been, unless I was falling for someone, sexually things were just simmering. But once I've got a thing for someone, even if it's not reciprocated, then sex drive goes through the roof. Now, every woman is different, of course. But in general, you can't judge most women by assuming they should have the same type sex drives as a man. It's not always tied to emotions, because biology does dictate there must be release every so often, but emotions ramp everything way up.
Author whatdonow Posted April 23, 2015 Author Posted April 23, 2015 (edited) yeah, but at the same time i have always felt she has no problem with act itself. As I said there were also a period of few months that she was eager to have sex. Dont know why it suddenly changed after 5,6 months and dont know why it stopped after a while and go back to old ways. Something just doesnt add up. She also mentioned few times how i did not want to have sex at the time i hadnt my own place and we were in my room and my mother was home in the room next to mine and i didnt want to have sex while we were making out because i felt uncomfortable because we havent had real privacy... She threw that scene to me almost everytime I expressed that Im bothered with the lack of sex. I dont know was that her defense or was she turned on by this. But she has never expressed what she wished sexually. If she wanted adventorous - spontaneous sex she could initiate it herself or at least say something about it. or was she expecting me to do all the work, but then again i cant read her mind and there are 2 people in relationship. Dont you agree? I know i was not spontaneous enough, but i wasnt since she didnt crave sex by 'normal' way - in the bed... As far as your comment about women not going several weeks without sex -- it's just not as urgent as it is with men. It's hard to explain, but it usually only gets very urgent when a woman is really feeling it for a guy in some way. I actually get that and i believe it was the case for her. but we have had sex 4 times in first 5 months! I think that is just not normal. She was into me taliking about future plans together was very affectionate but at the same time she did everything to avoid to be in position to have sex. if i invited her to come to my place when i was alone for weekend she always found an excuse. I havent had a GF before her but i always thought it is normal that she would be as eager to have sex at weekends/every chance we can get since we did not live together and it was the beginning of new relationship where attraction is the strongest (at least physical attraction). I just dont get it how can you go without sex for 4,5,6,7 weeks in a row if you find your partner at least litlle bit attractive. even if she had no sex drive i d expect to put some effort to make me happy since i told her how important is sex to me and she knew where the source of a problem is in our relationship. But she did nothing to change things for better. BTW she has never denied my advances in bed. Even if she was on a period she gave me BJ without a problem. but it was an art to get her in the bed... I wonder how our sexual relationship would develop if we did move in together and go to sleep side by side each night. It might be different since she has never rejected my advances in bed. Edited April 23, 2015 by whatdonow
preraph Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 Well, that deal about your mom being in the other room is a huge cold shower to almost anyone!! But that said, she probably just wasn't that attracted to you or not ready for anyone or whatever. Because all teenagers manage to find ways to sneak in some make-out time no matter what the limitations. I think it's best to just admit she wasn't the right woman for you. It happens.
Vercetti Posted April 23, 2015 Posted April 23, 2015 " but we never were, not even in the beginning" Think about what you wrote OP. You need someoue as enthusiastic about you as you are them. A real connection you wouldn't be suffering any of the noise you suffer now in your head. Sorry about the lesson your probably going to learn soon...relationships end. We have all been through it. It's not fun. Yet the next relationship will be better.....just don't tell her about the issues of this one. Clean slate.
wb1988 Posted April 24, 2015 Posted April 24, 2015 (edited) if Id get a dollar for every time we had sex I d have no more then 20 dollars, and for every time she was the initiator I would have like max 5 dollars… Thats fking funny bro. It sounds like all of the explanations you mentioned are true, apart from her cheating. Also the problem will always be there if you're living with your parents. It's like trying to have a gf when you're 17. Get a place of your own. Edit: I'm 26 and have my own flat, don't blame the economy — the recession had nothing to do with your ****. Edited April 24, 2015 by wb1988
Author whatdonow Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Our plan to make things work around sex was like that: at weekends - Fridays or Saturdays I come to her parents place and sleep over at her bed and when I ll have my own place she d come whenever and the problem would be solved. that was 4 months ago. During this time i slept at her parents house ONCE - soon after the plan - but then i have invited myself 4 more times and she always had a reason why i cant come. So i gave up and she never invited me. And now that i have my own place for 2 months she came there TWICE - i invited her and we are only 10 miles apart. Twice in 2 months.... what kind of love was that... its like she intentionally sabotage our relationship... She knew where the problem was but did NOTHING to change thing for the better and then said we are not compatible and called it quits. its just sad to end it because she was not willing to put any effort. If she did we would still be together.
Author whatdonow Posted April 24, 2015 Author Posted April 24, 2015 Well, that deal about your mom being in the other room is a huge cold shower to almost anyone!! what do you mean - that its normal that i felt uncomfortable and didnt want sex or that she lost attraction because i didnt want to do it? sorry but english is not my 1st language...
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