whatdonow Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Its a long one, but i really need some help! please! Here is the situation so you ll have better insight. We are both in mid 20s, we both live at home with parents (we both have a job but since economic crisis thats how most of people that age lives in our country). Before we met she had couple of serious relationship, I didn’t and was a self conscience virgin. Girls were always interested in me but I had no self confidence until I said enough is enough and throw myseff in to dating pool. Before we met she hasn’t had a BF for the last 3 years and havent had sex for more then a year. I was always wondering what was she doing on an online dating site since I know girls like her (good looking and cute with character) can get almost any man… We clicked from the start and everything was fine except SEX. We slept together after first 5 weeks and since I was inexperienced and clumsy you can guess – sex was not good. I have never had sex before but I knew it was bad… She was dry as a desert down there and I had hard time getting my erection, but we still had sex for like 40 minutes. Keep in mind we both live with our parents so the only time we have had sex was on weekends. But after our 1st sex she always had an excuse not to put herself in the position to have sex with me again. It was frustrating – the excuses she had let me know that they were what they were – excuses. I sat her down and talked to her what was wrong and she said nothing… the next time we had sex (2 months after our first sex) she said during sex ‘we should do this more often’ but after that I had to wait another month… had sex… wait another month… and so on. She is always very affectionate – likes holding hands, kissing, making out, cuddling… Paying for dates, initiates dates, making me part of every important part of her life (family, events), bringing me presents when abroad or vacations…Every time we slept together – every morning when she wakes up she sneakes to my side of the bed and put her head on my chest and caressing my arm or sleep that way… We have never had sex more then ONCE in the same day/night. The record is 2 times in ONE week… After several months thing started to improve – she was the one who was eager to have sex at weekends – that lasted like 3 maybe 4 months but then things went back to ‘normal’ – like they were before… The thing is she proved she is not asexual, and that she has no problem with the act itself - no problem with sex – she even likes giving head, let me eat her out, one thing I noticed is that she likes top position and be dominant… One thing I also remember is that she said she has never experienced orgasm. She also never comments during sex - what she likes how to do it - slower/faster.. nothing... ever. Now we are together for 1 year and a half and Im not happy - all I can say is if Id get a dollar for every time we had sex I d have no more then 20 dollars, and for every time she was the initiator I would have like max 5 dollars… The thing is since she is my only and my first I cannot compare her with others. I cant say its not me since my ex liked the way I did it and the girl before her… This is literally destroying my confidence – the things i came up in my mind why she doesn’t crave sex with me are just self defeating: - She has another supplier (I 99% sure she doesnt since we live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and its just not her character to cheat), - I have a small tool (im liltle over 6 inches and I know that’s pretty average since I played sports for a decade and have seen many penises – not by choice - in the shower room) - Im terrible at sex and don’t know what im doing - She is not really into me but likes to be in a relationship The thing i fear the most is Im BAD at it! but if that is the case she should say something and try to make me batter??? Don’t know what to do since I love her but im very frustrated sometimes, angry and hurt. It came to the point when its destroying our relationship. im just not the same anymore around her because Im not happy and she does nothing to make me happy - I brought up that topic about sex several times and she is willing to talk but nothing changes. I told her its important to me and Im not happy but everything stay the same after that. What can I do?
road Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Dump her. For the sex never gets better with her no matter how good you become.
kendahke Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 If she isn't inclined to want sex from you, then either you continue in the relationship knowing this and being content that you have a girlfriend or you end this so that you can sow some wild oats and get a frame of reference so you truly know for sure if you're bad at sex or she is just not interested in sex--with you.
Author whatdonow Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Dump her. For the sex never gets better with her no matter how good you become. maybe Im the one to blame... maybe i suck at it she was avoiding sex after the 1st time - we have had sex 7 times in first 6 months. But after that she became eager to have sex for 3 or 4 months - was initiator... but after 3,4 months it went back to 'old ways' - Dont know why she became more interested all of sudden and why it stopped after that. In the last 6 months we have had sex 5 times... what bothers me is the fact that we did not have sex (that happened many times) for 4,5,6 or even 7 weeks in a row and she has never complained - never said anything about the lack of sex. its like sex doesnt even exist...
SawtoothMars Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 maybe Im the one to blame... maybe i suck at it she was avoiding sex after the 1st time - we have had sex 7 times in first 6 months. But after that she became eager to have sex for 3 or 4 months - was initiator... but after 3,4 months it went back to 'old ways' - Dont know why she became more interested all of sudden and why it stopped after that. In the last 6 months we have had sex 5 times... what bothers me is the fact that we did not have sex (that happened many times) for 4,5,6 or even 7 weeks in a row and she has never complained - never said anything about the lack of sex. its like sex doesnt even exist... Look... not many people are awesome right away. It is a learned skill... that you improve with practice. If she doesn't want to practice then it's not your fault that you improve slowly. Now... I'm going to be totally honest and say that it is none of the above reasons. I would wager to guess you are a bit of a pushover, and she dominates the relationship. You probably are also very afraid to be sexually aggressive. Don't try "talking". Instead, when you want sex... just start kissing her passionately and let your hands roam free. Remember you have probably done a lot of damage acting like a pansy... so she may turn you down out of confusion the first few times. 2
Buddhist Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Other people don't destroy our confidence, we do it to ourselves. You've put all your focus on sex and when it doesn't happen for you as often as you like you then project your self esteem issues onto her. At least be honest with yourself about that. As for the rest, well it's your job to become better at sex if this is how you are defining your self esteem. Personally I would define my self esteem in something else but hey you wouldn't be the first guy to make his confidence all about his penis. Good luck with that. 1
Author whatdonow Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 Other people don't destroy our confidence, we do it to ourselves. You've put all your focus on sex and when it doesn't happen for you as often as you like you then project your self esteem issues onto her. At least be honest with yourself about that. As for the rest, well it's your job to become better at sex if this is how you are defining your self esteem. Personally I would define my self esteem in something else but hey you wouldn't be the first guy to make his confidence all about his penis. Good luck with that. Its not all about that, but of course it effects me since she shows no interest in sex with me for such a long period of time... We are both 27, i just dont understand why she int bothered about the lack of sex. Every other aspect of relationship is there - affection, caring, interest about other person, .... but no sex. of course im wondering why, i think thats normal question to ask. Even if it doesn't feel all that good, she should at least enjoy feeling close to me and seeing me enjoy myself? In my opinion sex is the main component which differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one.
Dork Vader Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I did not read the entire post your title said everything I need to know. If you're in a relationship that is doing damage to your emotional well being you have two options. 1. Is too attempt too have a conversation with the person and address the things that are causing the emotional damage. 2. Dump them and find someone who won't damage your emotional well being. If you have exhausted option 1. then it is clearly time for you too move on. 1
casey.lives Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Aside from the sex the relationship sounds divine... In the back of some girls minds, lays the knowledge that you're not her husband and that somethings only some people merit. Full fledged sexuality is the right of a husband, not a boyfriend. I think talking and moving deeper into the relationship may tell you if it's a frigidity or if it's a psychological boundary. If it's the former, you may want to accompany her to a therapist.
gaius Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 She should have been wet for you the first time at least if she was really attracted. Why she's dating a guy she's not attracted to I have no idea, but it probably speaks more to issues with her than anything performance related on your part.
Acacia98 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 @whatdonow: You and your girlfriend are mismatched. I suspect she may be asexual. And you clearly aren't. So you're not sexually compatible. It is perfectly okay for you to want to have sex regularly. And it is perfectly okay for her to only want sex occasionally, if at all. Neither of you is "wrong." You are just different from each other. You don't have the capacity to meet each other's needs on this basic issue. I think you should look up "asexuality" (on Google) so that you have a basic understanding of it. Look up "sexual compatibility" too. Once you have a general understanding of these subjects, sit down with your girlfriend and tell her you've been thinking about how different you seem to be when it comes to interest in having sex. Don't be judgmental or confrontational about it. Just tell her you want to understand how she feels about sex and whether it's important to her. Talk about your own feelings about sex too. The key is to open up to each other and understand each other. And once you understand each other, you will both be in a better position to tell whether your relationship can last in the long-term.
Omei Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 She should have been wet for you the first time at least if she was really attracted. Why she's dating a guy she's not attracted to I have no idea, but it probably speaks more to issues with her than anything performance related on your part. Girls have performance issues too just saying. There have been times I am very attracted to someone but can't get wet because I am too worried about something, too nervous or just like dudes we dry up when we drink. 2
Author whatdonow Posted April 21, 2015 Author Posted April 21, 2015 @whatdonow: You and your girlfriend are mismatched. I suspect she may be asexual. And you clearly aren't. So you're not sexually compatible. It is perfectly okay for you to want to have sex regularly. And it is perfectly okay for her to only want sex occasionally, if at all. Neither of you is "wrong." You are just different from each other. You don't have the capacity to meet each other's needs on this basic issue. I think you should look up "asexuality" (on Google) so that you have a basic understanding of it. Look up "sexual compatibility" too. Once you have a general understanding of these subjects, sit down with your girlfriend and tell her you've been thinking about how different you seem to be when it comes to interest in having sex. Don't be judgmental or confrontational about it. Just tell her you want to understand how she feels about sex and whether it's important to her. Talk about your own feelings about sex too. The key is to open up to each other and understand each other. And once you understand each other, you will both be in a better position to tell whether your relationship can last in the long-term. I dont think she is asexul since she showed me interest to have sex from time to time, but not for the first 4 and the last 6 months of our relationship. I just dont get it – i told her how important is sex to me but she just wont do anything about it. Do asexuals suffer when havinging tercourse? That i d understand but in that case i d talk to my parter about it not being quiete. Also if sex is bad Id broke it off or help her get better at it – telling her what i like/dislike, but she has never said a word about it – when i asked her once she said i should not worry and that she likes everything… Even if she has low libido or even almost no sex drive at all I dont know why she doesnt try to make me happy since she knows how much it matters to me.. I would if the role was reversed I would...
road Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 Girls have performance issues too just saying. There have been times I am very attracted to someone but can't get wet because I am too worried about something, too nervous or just like dudes we dry up when we drink. I have heard all women have to do is just lay there so what performance issues do you speak off. Faking it? I dont think she is asexul since she showed me interest to have sex from time to time, but not for the first 4 and the last 6 months of our relationship. I just dont get it – i told her how important is sex to me but she just wont do anything about it. Do asexuals suffer when havinging tercourse? That i d understand but in that case i d talk to my parter about it not being quiete. Also if sex is bad Id broke it off or help her get better at it – telling her what i like/dislike, but she has never said a word about it – when i asked her once she said i should not worry and that she likes everything… Even if she has low libido or even almost no sex drive at all I dont know why she doesnt try to make me happy since she knows how much it matters to me.. I would if the role was reversed I would... Dump her because you two are not compatible on sex and it will never change. 1
Fhsjkfjrhsdh3646 Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 OP your first 5-6 times having sex won't be great. If she isn't willing to stick it out with you and be patient, she's one to dump. Sex takes practice.
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 (edited) I just talked to her - I just met her for a drink… i told her sex is still an issue with us and that things hasnt changed since the last conversation we had. I said we have to try something else in order to make it work. She said we wont try anything anymore, that we are not compatible and she is breaking up with me. She also said how i did not invite her to move in with me (I have my own place for 2 months now but since she has never showed any interest to even come to visit me or to sleep over i havent even thought of that plus we have never had that conversation about moving in, she was just expecting things...). during 2 months she only came twice and then she expect from me to invite her to move in but at the same time i have alyways got feeling she is avoiding to come or sleep over at my place... im I weird for not saying anything?. On the other hand she said how i always making plans and she hates planes ands stuff like that and that im not spontaneous. She said at this age and at that stage of relationship i should think differently, and that our relationship should progress – we should have move in together and that her plan is to have a baby in a year or two. Talking about plans??? We never had that conversation. When i said we havent had sex for another month she said 'DISASTER'... I asked her what is her issue with sex, she said to me she has none, i asked her does she even like it she said yes, i asked is it true she has never experienced an orgasm with any bf, she said Yes. I asked her do you even enjoy having sex with me, she said yes, and WHY EVERYONE IS ASKING THAT QUESTION WHEN RELATIONSHIP IS OVER! So yeah, she dumped me in the end, making me look like a bad guy for not suggesting to move in with me. At the same time she always had problem to come to my place and/or have sex with me. Its over now. I feel stupid. Edited April 22, 2015 by whatdonow
wizer Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 She did you a favor. Even if she didn't give you the real reasons for dumping you.
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 She did you a favor. Even if she didn't give you the real reasons for dumping you. Why are you saying this? i feel like i just lost one of the best things ever happened to me. i loved her even though i was not satisfied with relationship for the last few months...
wizer Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 She did you a favor because you aren't happy in the relationship and you're not getting any sex. She did you a favor by being the one to end the relationship because it wasn't going anywhere and if left up to you, you'd probably continue the relationship indefinitely because you're afraid to start all over again and try to meet someone else, which is exactly what will happen and you'll be better off as a result. 1
Author whatdonow Posted April 22, 2015 Author Posted April 22, 2015 Even if she didn't give you the real reasons for dumping you. do you think that the thing about moving in together was bullsh*t to say to me? I think it shouldnt be a dealbreaker and if she really wished that she would open an conversation about it...
gaius Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Yes, it's just an excuse. You may hurt now but trust me, a girl who drips all over you like a leaky faucet even before you stick it in will make you forget about this arid climate in a heartbeat.
wizer Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 do you think that the thing about moving in together was bullsh*t to say to me? I think it shouldnt be a dealbreaker and if she really wished that she would open an conversation about it... Yes it was a BS excuse. 1
preraph Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Women can't fix your self-esteem. You get that from your parents and sometimes from school through proving to yourself that you can accomplish goals and such. So #1, your self-esteem isn't going to improve until you move out from your parents' home and start doing things for yourself, things you can be proud of, and you're simply not a man until you've lived without relying on your parents for a couple of years and stood on your own two feet. No woman can fix that for you. That's you. Second, you're both young and you're both probably horrible at sex. She's too young to necessarily have found the best ways for her to orgasm. To do that, she is probably going to need to be on her own for awhile as well so she can masturbate and figure out her body and then she can teach others. If she's not willing to speak up in bed, well, it's a sign of immaturity, and that's because she's really young. You're probably going to have to get out on your own and then date around for awhile to start feeling comfortable in general. Sex isn't quite as important to most women as it is to most men, so get used to that. Everyone is different how often they like to do it -- and a lot of that DOES depend on the partner, I'm not going to lie to you. But some of it's just chemistry too. All women need different things, but in general, one tip I will give you is women usually can't orgasm if they're being interrupted by someone trying to either talk to them, like asking if they're coming, or if the guy is doing something to them and then stopping and asking for something from them, because it takes women a while, they have to totally zone out, so you can't be expecting them to listen or interrupt their flow and still get off. So the tip is shut up and do whatever you can tell feels good to her and keep doing it and don't stop and don't interrupt until she either comes or tells you that's enough. But don't ask. Just do it. Hitting all the bases for 10 seconds won't get anyone off. You have to let her relax and give sustained pleasure or it ain't happening.
xeryon Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 I see only 3 options but don't take me seriously as I am not a professional. A. She liked you as a bf but overall since you are unexperianced, she wasn't fully happy about that so she was seeing someone on the side to have better sex (that would explain why she didn't want to do it with you that often). That time when you said she wanted sex more often? - Maybe becasue her other guy who she was seeing was a dick and ignored her and she wanted to comfort herself and have sex with you to soon realize you are still not giving her the sexual experiance she wants/desires. B. She is looking for something really serious. I mean she wants marriage and kids. She didn't want to have sex with you that often to see if you actally care about it more than actually becoming serious with her. Since, she claimed you didn't offer her to move in she possibly decided that you are not serious about her as much as she was about you. C. She is a weird chick and she doesn't really know what she wants at this point of her life. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At this point, best thing for you is to not contact her anymore even if you have the urge. Don't date anybody for at least 6 months if this relationship was something that meant to you a lot. Trust me, things will only get better from now on.. the more experiance you have, the better woman you meet and better sex you will have. Just remember that you must fully let go of this girl. 1
Redhead14 Posted April 22, 2015 Posted April 22, 2015 Its a long one, but i really need some help! please! Here is the situation so you ll have better insight. We are both in mid 20s, we both live at home with parents (we both have a job but since economic crisis thats how most of people that age lives in our country). Before we met she had couple of serious relationship, I didn’t and was a self conscience virgin. Girls were always interested in me but I had no self confidence until I said enough is enough and throw myseff in to dating pool. Before we met she hasn’t had a BF for the last 3 years and havent had sex for more then a year. I was always wondering what was she doing on an online dating site since I know girls like her (good looking and cute with character) can get almost any man… We clicked from the start and everything was fine except SEX. We slept together after first 5 weeks and since I was inexperienced and clumsy you can guess – sex was not good. I have never had sex before but I knew it was bad… She was dry as a desert down there and I had hard time getting my erection, but we still had sex for like 40 minutes. Keep in mind we both live with our parents so the only time we have had sex was on weekends. But after our 1st sex she always had an excuse not to put herself in the position to have sex with me again. It was frustrating – the excuses she had let me know that they were what they were – excuses. I sat her down and talked to her what was wrong and she said nothing… the next time we had sex (2 months after our first sex) she said during sex ‘we should do this more often’ but after that I had to wait another month… had sex… wait another month… and so on. She is always very affectionate – likes holding hands, kissing, making out, cuddling… Paying for dates, initiates dates, making me part of every important part of her life (family, events), bringing me presents when abroad or vacations…Every time we slept together – every morning when she wakes up she sneakes to my side of the bed and put her head on my chest and caressing my arm or sleep that way… We have never had sex more then ONCE in the same day/night. The record is 2 times in ONE week… After several months thing started to improve – she was the one who was eager to have sex at weekends – that lasted like 3 maybe 4 months but then things went back to ‘normal’ – like they were before… The thing is she proved she is not asexual, and that she has no problem with the act itself - no problem with sex – she even likes giving head, let me eat her out, one thing I noticed is that she likes top position and be dominant… One thing I also remember is that she said she has never experienced orgasm. She also never comments during sex - what she likes how to do it - slower/faster.. nothing... ever. Now we are together for 1 year and a half and Im not happy - all I can say is if Id get a dollar for every time we had sex I d have no more then 20 dollars, and for every time she was the initiator I would have like max 5 dollars… The thing is since she is my only and my first I cannot compare her with others. I cant say its not me since my ex liked the way I did it and the girl before her… This is literally destroying my confidence – the things i came up in my mind why she doesn’t crave sex with me are just self defeating: - She has another supplier (I 99% sure she doesnt since we live in a small town where everybody knows everybody and its just not her character to cheat), - I have a small tool (im liltle over 6 inches and I know that’s pretty average since I played sports for a decade and have seen many penises – not by choice - in the shower room) - Im terrible at sex and don’t know what im doing - She is not really into me but likes to be in a relationship The thing i fear the most is Im BAD at it! but if that is the case she should say something and try to make me batter??? Don’t know what to do since I love her but im very frustrated sometimes, angry and hurt. It came to the point when its destroying our relationship. im just not the same anymore around her because Im not happy and she does nothing to make me happy - I brought up that topic about sex several times and she is willing to talk but nothing changes. I told her its important to me and Im not happy but everything stay the same after that. What can I do? Being "bad" at sex is something a loving partner would want to help you with. Honesty and good communication about bedroom activities helps a lot. Not only that, what exactly is making you think you are "bad" at it. Are you concerned because she doesn't have orgasms and that it is your fault? Lot's of women are unable to have an orgasm during intercourse and has nothing to do with the man's "equipment". If she doesn't have orgasms orally or by your hand either, she can gently instruct you as to what would work better for her. In addition, if she is able to orgasm but can't achieve it when you have intercourse with you or orally or manually, she can be responsible for her own orgasm. That is to say, she could masturbate and allow you to watch which should be mutually exciting and/or you could masturbate at the same time. There are all kinds of ways to make this a mutually satisfying experience if you are open minded and are completely comfortable with one another. All that being said, you seem to be focusing on the sexual aspect of the relationship too much at this point. Take the pressure off yourselves for a bit. Take a time out from sex. Have conversations about desires, likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc. and explore a little through talking. Then gradually return to becoming intimate. Kinda hit the reset button. Get flirty, get touchy feely, bring the fun back into it as in the beginning.
Recommended Posts