curious0ne Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I've been seeing this woman for about a month now. She is 36, me 32. We have both recently came out of long term marriages (10 years each). She was in this past relationship however long before she was married, essentially her whole adult life. I have been separated for 12 mths, her for 6 mths. We have been talking on and off about exclusivity. Things are quite serious between us, I particularly want things to be serious, when I do, she seems super keen too, but then she seems to also develop these reservations/second thoughts in her mind about the whole idea. The problem is that I'm only the second guy she has dated since she separated. I asked her one week into things about whether she would keep just dating me given we had this really good connection and things were going well, or if she wanted to date other people too. At that time she seemed keen to just focus on one another. I personally have dated a good 20 people since I separated so can easily determine what I do and don't want, so this is easy for me to look at her and know that everything I do want is there. Whereas for her to look at me the same and know I am everything she is looking for may be difficult...if she has not done a lot of dating how can she know what she does and doesn't like, right? I don't think she wants to get out and 'play the field' or anything like that...I just think she potentially has reservations given I am only the second guy she has dated and that things are going so well and us getting along extremely well. Now that we are at the month mark, I am wanting to confirm whether we are or aren't exclusive, I don't want her dating/seeing other guys because I think we have something special and really go well together. But also I wonder whether she should go out on some more first dates just as a way of rationalising/qualifying that her & I do have something special, and/or to let her do that if that's what she wants to do...better to do this when we are only 1 month into things and not have the issue resurface 3-6months down the track? Right now we talk about this thoroughly but have no outcome really. If I say to her to go and date other people, she could also see that as though I am prepared to risk losing her or that I'm not really serious about things, if I try and persuade her not to date other people, I risk her bringing this up again months down the track when we are more heavily involved with each other, etc and it becoming a potential repeated sore point in the relationship. I also don't want to rob her of this newfound freedom that she can use to help discover herself. Given she hasn't dated much in life at all, it would be a good chance for her to really work out what she does and doesn't want in a guy. My personal feeling is I don't want her to be dating other people. I don't want to be 'juggled' and competing with these other guys. Also I don't want to be out dating other women either. Can someone help with some advice please?
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 She's on the rebound. People on the rebound can be flaky and break your heart. They are not ready to love another yet.
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Stop over-thinking this. If you want to be exclusive then tell her that. If she doesn't then it means she's not all that committed to you, and only sees you as an option. If you want to keep seeing her under those circumstances then it's up to you (personally I wouldn't). It's really that simple. No need to analyse ifs, buts and maybes. Either you both want to be exclusive or you don't.
preraph Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Having just came out of long-term relationships, honestly, I think one month is far too soon to talk about exclusivity. As you say, she should be free to date others or at least go out with friends and see what's out there. It's great you have a strong start, but it's only been a month. You don't know each other. If I were you, I'd stop talking about exclusivity and stop worrying about it for at least 2 more months. If your connection is that strong, probably you don't need to worry about her playing around. But if she isn't feeling it as strongly, there is the chance she could really want to at least put herself out there. You sense she has reservations -- nearly any woman would after only one month and not knowing the person well and especially having just gotten her freedom. She may not even be ready to "settle down" again. She may want to keep her freedom. Your best move is to put it out of your head for a couple of months and just see how things go.
central Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I don't think she wants to get out and 'play the field' or anything like that...I just think she potentially has reservations given I am only the second guy she has dated and that things are going so well and us getting along extremely well. My wife and I had a similar issue. She had no dating experience before her first marriage, and I was the first person she met and dated after her divorce. She had no basis for comparison, and was concerned that she didn't know enough to make a good decision - she was worried that she could make a mistake like she did with her ex. I had dated extensively and knew what I wanted, and what made a good match for me - and she was it. However, I had to let her go so she could figure out what was best for her. It could be a long-term problem if she wasn't sure of her choice. So, we both dated others but stayed in touch. Everyone she met made me look better and better, so when we got back together six months later, we were BOTH certain of each other and that we were a great match. We then continued dating each other only and then lived together before deciding to marry - even seemingly ideal matches need the test of time and dealing with issues and routine to be sure that perceptions of compatibility are real.
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