YouGotServed Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Hi, I recently was in a 2 year relationship and my girlfriend decided to end it one day. It has been about 5 weeks since our breakup. About 6 months ago, she stated that her feelings were not on the same level and that she felt pressured for a more serious commitment. Being her first true relationship, she just wanted to be with someone and not "settle down". She was not mad or unhappy with me, but felt it wasn't fair to me that we were on different levels. We have not spoken to each other or seen each other since the breakup. The only form of communication we have had is through short emails. I have left the channel open with her as I do not believe in burning bridges with anyone. During the last 5 weeks, I have gone through "self-reflection" and realized the mistakes in our relationship and at the same time, how I treated her with too much emotion. Currently, I am trying to develop a better understanding of myself and everyone says that actions can only prove your words. She will always have a preconception of who I was 5 weeks ago and told me, "I cannot go on with this anymore, you will never change". Any advice on what to do or similar experiences are welcomed....
eastern_mystique Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Hey dude, I'm in a very similar situation to you: my b/f broke up with me about a month and a half ago. He said that he didn't "feel the same anymore". All the way through our relationship I knew that he didn't feel as intensely about me as I did about him (I loved him, he said he had "strong feelings" for me but that it wasn't love). So after 3 months together he broke it off; he felt it wasn't fair to lead me on. As we go to the same college and know each others time table off by heart it's very difficult for us to not spend time together. He wanted us to be "friends" which I reluctantly have gone along with, giving him the benefit of the doubt that yes, maybe we're meant to be friends instead of lovers, but after several weeks of being "friends" I'm finding that this is not so. NC is something I've never been able to do properly and on the occasion that we don't talk or see each other for a few days, he'll start thinking about calling me (although he doesn't actually go through with it), or more usually he'll text/contact me on MSN. We're "close friends" now, although I'm going to end this version of our relationship very soon because it's feels wrong to me and I don't like it. Like you, it took me a few weeks to realise what I'd done wrong in the relationship - it was nothing major just that he felt pressured because of the extent of my feelings in comparison to his as well as some other stuff (things went too fast, the relationship became routine/boring etc etc). I too realised that I'd been too emotional with him - I guess I probably shouldn't have told him I loved him. I feel like I have changed. I'm seeing what went wrong with us, where I couldn't see it before. But of course telling him that things will be different now won't cut it - yes you're right, actions do speak louder than words. So I'm going to talk with him either later this week, or most probably next week. I've given him a chance at friendship and it ain't working - I hope that he will give me a chance at being his g/f again to see whether or not that can work. It's only through giving things a shot second time that we'll find out whether it can work or not - me telling him that it will won't convince him and him telling me that it won't, won't convince me either. The more serious issue is that I'm having trouble moving on. In fact, I can't. This is because of us being friends. I really need to know whether or not we could ever have a successful relationship - at the very least if we try again and it doesn't suceed, I'll know I've done all I can and will finally be able to move on, with no regrets. Maybe find someone else and be happy with them eventually. I need that closure in order to get on with life. And if it does work out....well, then the rest is history. As for advice, everyone approaches things differently, because different things work for different people. You know her best. If you want to get back with this girl, perhaps you should start seeing each other as friends a few times, and then after a while suggest trying things again. Challenge her. If she believes so strongly that you can't change and that things won't be any different, then ask her to let you prove that they will. If she's so confident of her belief, then she has no reason to say no. People find it difficult to resist a challenge. Anyway, good luck man, and here's hoping that things work out for everyone going through the same as us.
girly Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 Same kind of situation here too..... We've been broken up for 6 weeks and have exchanged emails 'as friends' for about half of that time. We went out for 4 and a half years. We have talked (through email) about what went wrong, and I know I've changed and become more of the person I wanted to be when we were together, but for some reason couldn't be. I think us breaking up was a big wake up call for me to get off my butt and do the things I needed to in order to improve myself and make myself happy. I think I've been pretty successful in doing that and would just love a chance to show him what changes I've made and all. I've asked if he is willing to meet with me one day....just to go for a walk so that we can get away from distractions and talk about things. He has said that he's not ready for that yet since things are still pretty fresh and he doesn't want us to feel like we're breaking up all over again. I respect his decision and am trying my best to just continue working on myself to make me an even better person and hope that he can see that when he does agree to meet with me again. Anyways, that's my story. Good luck, and keep us posted!
Fallen_Angel Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 How is she so sure you'll never change? Sounds like she wants to see what else is out there. I'm going through a very similar situation. My ex left me two weeks ago after three and a half years claiming he didn't think his love for me would progress any further, and he didn't see himself marrying me so he felt it would be unfair for me to wait around. This was my first serious (longer than a month) relationship and I really thought I could spend my life with him. We're both about to turn 24, so I wasn't anywhere near trying to pressure him into any ironclad committment. All I wanted from him was to know he shared my vision for the future. Apparently he does not. I'm becoming more aware of some of the little things I did wrong. I know I didn't spend as much time and energy on cultivating friendships outside our relationship as I could have. One of my best friends is a guy, so I know that was a bit of a thorn in his side on occasion. As of now it's been a full week since I last spoke to him. I've been working very hard to resist the urge to call him. I want to prove to him and to myself that I can be strong without him. I doubt this will bring him back, because he is quite stubborn, but I have to move on somehow. The whole idea of no contact is terribly painful, especially when you've spoken to or spent so much time with someone. But if seeing or talking to this person only brings you more pain, you don't have a choice.
KOIST Posted April 18, 2005 Posted April 18, 2005 [color=blue][/color] HEY IM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE. I CANT REALLY SAY I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL COZ I CANT BUT I DO KNOW PEOPLE MOVE ON AND SITUATIONS CHANCE. I WAS IN A VIOLENT RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EX GIRLFRIEND AND I WAS GUTTED WHEN WE FINISHED EVEN THOUGH SHE HIT ME. LOVE IS BOTH THE BEST AND WORST EXPERIENCE EVERYONE GOES THROUGH. CHIN UP YE AND REMEMBER LIFE GOES ON AND YOUR FREE TO DO WHAT YOU WANT NOW DO YOU FANCY TALKING MORE IF YOU DO GET IN TOUCH
Author YouGotServed Posted April 18, 2005 Author Posted April 18, 2005 Thanks for everyone with their advice and sharing your experiences. Please continue to send more advices and experiences. NC is probably the best thing to do even though its the hardest. Fallen_Angel was saying that how do you know someone will not change?. I read somewhere around here a member posting the quote, "Beliefs are worthless, unless you allow them to be tested". Of course, second chances will show your difference and what "self-reflection" you have gone through. Time is the only key to someone changing for the better. I will keep everyone posted on my changes or views, as well as any contact arises....
Author YouGotServed Posted April 19, 2005 Author Posted April 19, 2005 So I get an email from her mom stating the reasons why she wanted to break it off. Keep in mind, I have been in NC for about 5 weeks with my ex. She felt that being "tied down" was not what she wanted. Her parents are seperated and being single is a viable way to live. All she really wanted was to have a person to be around with and just have fun. Well, I guess that goes back to 6 months ago, where her best friend ended a 4 year relationship. Her best friend began to show her how great it can be single. I heard from friends that her best friend felt that I was taking my ex away from her. Thats not even the case because I live 45 minutes away and her best friend lives only 10 minutes away. Is that jealously and selfishness? It also stated that she felt she was "pressured" into a more serious commitment. I know the mistakes I caused and through "self-reflection", this was something I determined that I had done. Will continue to update as time goes by....Let the pieces fall into its place.
Author YouGotServed Posted April 29, 2005 Author Posted April 29, 2005 Here is the latest on the sitauation: I hear from some friends that my ex has changed and moved on. Changed in the sense of becoming worse?. Supposedly, she was out with some of her girlfriends and a guy friend. Well, the guy friend puts his arms all over around her and she flirts with him back. It has only been a little over a month since she broke it off. Then her girlfriends and her continue to joke and laugh about how the breakup went and that they were going to play a couple of pranks. She showed no signs of concern or sadness. Honestly, how can someone who was so caring, gentle and understanding, become a so cold, insensitive and seem as if a 2 year relationship was like meeting someone at a club/bar?. The NC has helped me move on and after hearing this, it brings back emotions and hurt. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
The Prototype Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 Hey dude, I have seen this many times. Life is ALWAYS easier for the person who initiates the breakup. Life is fun, carefree, they can enjoy things again. Those of us who get broken up with sulk, are sad, and seem to miss the more. But we eventually begin to heal, and move on. MARK MY WORDS, the fun she is having is fleeting. It will not last. It is superficial, and there is no depth to it. Perhaps she felt claustrophobic in the relationship, perhaps something else, who knows. But this fun will only be brief, and in almost every case, the ex realizes they may have lost you. They can go out, go to clubs, have fun, flirt, but at the end of the night, they are alone. Just be prepared for her return in some form. Again, it ALWAYS happens, guy or girl. Best thing you can do (applies to me or anyone) is to somehow get beyond her before she does return. That way when she does, you can look at things objectively and decide how to handle this. Typically, our ex's are not as "perfect" as we remember them. Less emotion and time to get over them allows us to see the truth. Sometimes,. we realize we still love them. Often though, we realize they weren't as great as we thought, esp. if they put us through that, and we realize we don't need them anymore. As someone on here has said, usually when someone is broken up with, they stumble and fall, but once they pick themselves up and move forward, they quickly pass the other person who is still in the same place. Just hang in there. She will show up again, you just want to be in a good frame of mind to handle it when she does my friend...
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 She will always have a preconception of who I was 5 weeks ago and told me, "I cannot go on with this anymore, you will never change". You can make all the changes in the world, and make yourself into what you think would be her 'perfect man', but... as long as her perceptions of you stay the same despite your changes, then there is nothing further to do. You can change yourself, but you can't change how someone chooses to see you. Honestly, how can someone who was so caring, gentle and understanding, become a so cold, insensitive and seem as if a 2 year relationship was like meeting someone at a club/bar?. Frightening, isn't it? That cold stranger was there all along - you just didn't see her through the love you had for each other. That cold stranger is there inside you too, and one day you will be as indifferent toward her as she is to you - because your emotional investment in her will drop. It will take time, though. Love has a very good way of hiding the stranger's face. When love dies, there is only indifference. That's how people are, when they remove you from all 'love' or 'romance' context after they fall out of love with you. They have no emotional investment left for you, so you get to see who they are when all 'love' and 'romance' is removed from the picture.
Author YouGotServed Posted April 30, 2005 Author Posted April 30, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia Frightening, isn't it? That cold stranger was there all along - you just didn't see her through the love you had for each other. That cold stranger is there inside you too, and one day you will be as indifferent toward her as she is to you - because your emotional investment in her will drop. It will take time, though. Love has a very good way of hiding the stranger's face. When love dies, there is only indifference. That's how people are, when they remove you from all 'love' or 'romance' context after they fall out of love with you. They have no emotional investment left for you, so you get to see who they are when all 'love' and 'romance' is removed from the picture. Frightening and disappointing. When I heard about it, I felt as though I just survived a car accident. Honestly, I know that is not her true self and thats how her best friend is. Yes, a person can be influenced but I do not think that it is her intention to be that way. If it is her intention to act that certain way, then your right, "love" and "romance" disappeared and it revealed her "true colors".
Author YouGotServed Posted May 4, 2005 Author Posted May 4, 2005 Well, it has almost been 2 months since our breakup and a little over a month of NC. I am hanging in there but I sometimes wonder if I should initiate contact?. Everyone tells me to not say anything and let her contact you, since she is the one that broke up with you. I have read that NC is used to get over someone which I believe in and I have started reading lots of books to keep my mind distracted. But, it still lingers in the back of my mind and I really would like to know what people think I should do..... Need advice......Thanks!!
outdated Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 Let her contact you. If you can wait. But remember, even though exes have a strange way of coming back into your life in some form, you may wait forever. By the time you realize that it's been so long, that means you are no longer keeping track. And that, my friend, is true freedom.
sunshinegirl Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 YouGotServed, My situation is similar to yours although mine was a shorter r'ship--my guy's feelings also "changed." If you want a cautionary tale about contacting an ex, read my recent threads under Coping. I was 3 months into NC but in a moment of weakness last week emailed him. He responded warmly and quickly, but not with "I miss you, I want you back." And now I feel like I'm back at square one. At first it was such a high that he responded, but when I realized I couldn't do the friends thing with him--and told him so--the crash was immediate and hard. I'm still reeling. Please keep in mind that you are very likely to experience this kind of roller coaster if you initiate contact. I think I knew I would too, but it didn't stop me. Now I am wishing I hadn't done it because it's really set me back. Good luck with whatever you decide.
Recommended Posts