YawningAcorn Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I've never really used forums before but after reading other peoples stories i realized i'm not the only one who feels like i do, and i feel like i can maybe ask for advice from someone who might understand. I am currently in a difficult situation between the NC rule and another obligation i have coming up. i suppose before i ask for advice i should give you some back story, so here goes... (Apologies if its long winded - this is the first time I've opened up to anyone about how i feel or what i'm going through) *** I've been separated from my ex for just over a week now and its still a struggle to go out or do anything. we were in a relationship for only 7 months but have been firm friends for almost 3 years and i fell for her very quickly when we started getting closer. she was a lot more reserved about getting into a relationship to begin with as she has had bad experiences with a insanely jealous boyfriend and several inconsiderate lovers since. i will admit it took a little persuading to get her attention, but it worked and we had an absolutely brilliant healthy (albeit shorter than i wanted) relationship where we both made each other so incredibly happy. anyway, about 2 months ago we both had a lot to drink together and i did something i know i shouldn't have. i didn't cheat and i wasn't at all unfaithful, but needless to say what i did was the ultimate cause for the end of our relationship. I apologized the following morning after that night and we talked about it openly and it honestly seemed like for the next 2 months we were getting over it together and everything was going to be OK. After a while though her previous insecurities and commitment phobias re emerged and we hit a rocky patch ending in her telling me by text one morning that she doesn't think she can do this anymore and that things have been playing on her mind for the last 2 months. she tells me that she has forgiven me for what i did, but she is having trouble forgetting about it and moving on. she told me that this was why she was having trouble with the more intimate aspects of our relationship towards the end. The morning of that text our relationship officially ended. she told me she needed space and time to make up her mind if she can get past this block and find out if she wants to give us another try later on. That was a week ago now and we have been talking every day since, its mostly been me trying to get my head around the whole situation and trying to persuade her that we can get through this together and don't need to end everything. Obviously this hasn't worked or i wouldn't be writing this. she told me on Saturday night that that is it, for good, because too much has happened since it all started. I know her parents hate me since they found out what i did but she still seems conflicted, telling me 'never say never'. *** Ever since that drunk night where i f**ked it all up i have hated myself, i honestly look in the mirror and am disgusted by the person that looks back at me and i have been fighting a really deep depression this week knowing that everything was perfect till i messed everything up and its all my fault. Yesterday i started NC as i feel talking to her so much probably isn't helping either of us get past this. its really hard because i still love her so much - I've never felt so strongly about anyone. the NC is really hard for me as she was my best friend too and i feel like i cant even talk to someone about all this because the only person who i ever felt understood me is the only person i have to stop talking to. I think the most difficult part is yet to come though. I have a minor surgical operation coming up at the beginning of next month for a non life threatening condition, which my ex has always supported me for since we found out that i needed it 5 months ago. She has still got the days off work to help me to and from the hospital and has said that she is still going to be there for me 100% which includes staying with me over night in case of complications. I wish i had another way around this situation but I have nobody else to turn to. *** I'm really conflicted, on one hand i don't want to feel like absolute sh*t anymore and i want to begin healing, to do that i feel i need to keep to this NC rule. but on the other hand i really want her to be there because i don't feel confident enough to go through with the surgery without her, not in my present state of mind anyway... I'm also really looking forward to spending that amount of time with her again even though i have a feeling it will send me back to square one. I really want this op done and over with as I've been on a waiting list for so long but i cant decide what i want more... I guess i'm just desperate to get my best friend back if nothing else... i miss her so much Should I cancel the surgery and opt for mental healing and getting over this break up? or should i have the operation that i need with her help and feel better for a night but possibly being put back to square one?
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Yes, it will send you back to square 1. Have the op, but find someone else to give you a lift (or get a taxi). 3
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 that's the problem there isn't anyone else who can give me a ride, plus a cab would cost an arm and a leg which i don't have atm. i had a hunch though that seeing her again wouldn't help, even though i do really want it... 1
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 a cab would cost an arm and a leg which i don't have atm. Wow I thought you said it was minor surgery!!! Sorry LOL. Well yeah, I guess you have to choose which is most important, a cab fare or your operation or your mental health. You can't have all 3. 1
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 (edited) to be honest i really do want the op, i don't really want to go back on the waiting list for another year. i may have to take the hit on my emotions or i'm going to regret it i think. thank you for the advice though, even though i may not take it when it comes down to the crunch :/ Edited April 20, 2015 by YawningAcorn
mightycpa Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 that's the problem there isn't anyone else who can give me a ride I have a difficult time believing that you don't have enough of a connection with any other human being that you can't find a ride or raise cab fare. If this is true, you have bigger problems than losing this girl, and eventually, this level of misanthropy would have doomed the relationship anyway. If you married her, who would you invite to the wedding? But, if it is true, call a local church, explain your situation and see if they can help you get a ride. Leave the ex alone.
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I know loads of people who could probably help me, but the thing is that my ex is the only one who knows there is an op, its a really private matter if i'm honest. I never really wanted anyone else to know about it to save explaining it and possibly embarrassing myself. Hell, after partners and your children, parents are probably the closest people to you and mine don't even know about it. I don't really find it easy to open up to people, mostly because (prime example being the recent break up) when I do, something sh*t is bound to come along and mess it up anyway... Its easier to share little about your life and not have to explain yourself all the time. I was very open with my ex, and look how that turned out
mightycpa Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I know loads of people who could probably help me, but the thing is that my ex is the only one who knows there is an op, its a really private matter if i'm honest. I never really wanted anyone else to know about it to save explaining it and possibly embarrassing myself. Hell, after partners and your children, parents are probably the closest people to you and mine don't even know about it. I don't really find it easy to open up to people, mostly because (prime example being the recent break up) when I do, something sh*t is bound to come along and mess it up anyway... Its easier to share little about your life and not have to explain yourself all the time. I was very open with my ex, and look how that turned out Then get a stranger to take you. I'll bet you can arrange for them to bring you home too. Call up a church. Ask for a little help, I'm sure they'll give it.
Author YawningAcorn Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 thank you for the tip, i'll try that
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