kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Hmmm I'm at work and pretty bored so this may be more of a rant than anything. I'm 33 and have pretty much been single my entire life. I was kind of dating someone 5-6 years ago but I don't think it was a relationship. I'm not sure what it was. I know you've got to "get out there and meet people". I just don't know where to start. For the past 5 years I've worked at the same dead-end job that I hate. I work overnight and often alone, often on holidays and most weekends. My coworkers are cool but they're mainly older men (there are no females) with wives and kids and come 7am when we get off, nobody wants to hang out, which is understandable. They have places to be. I live with 3 guys, all of whom have girlfriends, and they really don't get out much or do anything aside from work and sleep. In the year we've lived together we've all been in the same room together once. Much of it is due to our work schedules. As for friends I've never had many but up until about 2 years ago I always had one or two with whom I could count on to hang out. They've all married or moved away. So that leaves just me to go to bars and singles events alone and I don't think that sends women a very positive sign. There I am at the bar on a Tuesday night by myself. There I am with the running club again. Why don't I ever bring a friend? Why don't I have any stories about hanging out with friends? I'm on several dating sites and apps like Tinder (yeah, I know), but I have no photos of me with friends. Either way, online dating hasn't been successful at all. For some reason I get messages from men, not women. I've always been a pretty private person and not very good at small talk. I like being around people but it gets draining trying to hold up a conversation with a stranger on the rare occasion a conversation does happen. To be absolutely honest I also feel I make women extremely uncomfortable and am the kind of person they would not want to be alone in a room with for more than a few minutes. Nobody has ever come out and said it but it's a feeling I get. Maybe being quiet get confused for being antisocial or rude? Though I don't often make my political views known, I'm not a "progressive liberal democrat" into "social justice movements" and here in DC, as a single person, that seems to be a HUGE no-no. Maybe that's a DC thing. I belong to running clubs, swim laps at a public pool 3-4 times a week, belong to a gym, and go out on my days off but I have no idea how to really MEET people, especially women. The whole dating process of going from a single person to a couple is pretty much still a mystery to me at this age. Anyone else in a similar situation?
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I belong to running clubs, swim laps at a public pool 3-4 times a week, belong to a gym Yeah I was in a pretty similar position to you when I was a couple of years older than you. I would suggest changing your hobbies to some that are more interactive. It's pretty hard to talk and make friends while running, swimming, at the gym, right? I belong to a hiking group which has new people almost every week. You can easily talk while walking and it's easy to find a common subject: have you walked much before, where have you been, etc. I do improvisational drama which is great fun and confidence building and hang around chatting at break time, again it's easy to find common ground due to the shared hobby. I took up the piano and joined a band which is a great conversation starter. If you want some things to talk about then travel is a great one, I'm pretty quiet myself generally but I hiked to Everest Base Camp last year and could talk about that for hours, so just pick somewhere you'd like to go that sounds awesome and do it. Oh and sounds like you need to get a new job... Once you've sorted your own life out you'll find dating is a whole lot easier. 1
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 First and foremost, your job. You are 33. Why have you been 5 years at a dead-end job? Sort that out first, and then work on everything else. 2
Author kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 Why? Because I need to pay my bills. The pay is decent and it's fairly easy though incredibly boring.
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 That's my point. Why aren't you trying to get a better job that pays better? 1
Author kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 For my education level and skills it's about the best pay I can hope to get. I really don't want to go back to school for $40-100k of debt with no guarantee of a job.
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Well you have 2 choices 1) Carry on as you are 2) Get off your butt and change Up to you dude! 2
Author kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I don't know how to change. I can join all the social groups and hit all the bars in the DC area and I still don't think I'd know how to socialize like a normal person. I see people out and about with friends and on dates and it seems like a world away.
lucy_in_disguise Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 What are you looking for out of a relationship? Do you want a family some day, or just sex/ companionship? More broadly... what do you want out of life? I'm gonna be honest with you. you seem very passive about the direction your life is going, and especially your career. Most women are not going to find that attractive. Women who wany to settle down and have children will be looking for someone more capable as a provider. Womem who dont want kids may be a little more forgiving, but many will find the lack of ambition to be a turn off. I think you need to figure out what youre doing with your life before you look for a woman to share it with. You dont need to go back to college to look for a job that is more fulfillIng. For that matter, you dont need a high-paying job to attract women- just something that shows you have passion and ambition for something. the way you describe your life is frankly depressing, but it doesnt need to be that way just because you dont have a degree. There are plenty of ways to make a more meanginful contribution and to get engaged in your career wihout going back to college. Without a better sense of direction, I dont think your prospects on the dating market are that great. I am sure some women who have few prospects due to whatever problems may be interested in you, but i think the quality of women you are able to attract would increase substantially if you figured out the other stuff.
Gary S Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 The first thing you should do is get a new 9-5 job or career. That vampire shift is hurting your chances. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I don't know how to change. Yes you do. You just don't want to.
road Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I'm on several dating sites and apps like Tinder (yeah, I know),.............................Either way, online dating hasn't been successful at all. For some reason I get messages from men, not women. Is that you in the avatar? Your total outfit and body language is why you are getting hit on by men.
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I'm gonna be honest with you. you seem very passive about the direction your life is going, and especially your career. Most women are not going to find that attractive. Absolutely the point I was trying to get to. Most people won't find that attractive, men or women. The fact that the OP doesn't want to "further an education" without accumulating debt is such a negative mind-set to have. There are other options than getting another degree with loads of loans, but... nope... "This is my life, this is all I'll ever amount to". That's quite the negative attitude.
Author kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 What are the other options? Most of the people I've known outside of work have had to get a masters to further their careers. Out of the 3 guys I live with one is a doctor and the other two have grad degrees from Georgetown University (one is actually unemployed right now--not sure what he's gonna do). The couple living in our basement also have grad degrees. I have 1 friend who didn't go back to school. He started his own consulting business (his wife went back for her masters though). I don't think it's so bad not to want to go into massive student loan debt. I'm not sure what it is I want to do career-wise. I've never really been passionate about anything that can provide a living. Work has always bored me. I love to run, swim, travel, and enjoy creative hands-on stuff like photography, art, design, etc--stuff that doesn't pay the bills. I think ambition is overrated. It doesn't guarantee happiness, success, or even a paycheck. In terms of a partner, as long as she can pay her own rent and food (and not rely on me) I'm fine. Do I want kids? I don't know. It's probably too late and I don't think I'd be a very good provider for them to be honest. I've never been very assertive about anything. For me it's better to just do my work, get a paycheck, and stay out of my boss's eyesight. Where I work if management wants to talk to you, it's a very bad thing. The job isn't ideal but it's enough for me to live on, save for retirement, and have some extra change for other stuff.
Diezel Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I think ambition is overrated. It doesn't guarantee happiness, success, or even a paycheck. So how is lack of ambition working out for you in terms of happiness and success so far? Because if you were doing just fine and you were happy and fulfilling YOUR version of successful, this thread wouldn't be here. I changed CAREER without doing a master's. All I did was an associates program and made connections and offered my help wherever I could. Amount of debt accumulated? $0. So, to say there is only one way to do it and you don't want to do it that way, shows that you definitely aren't thinking outside the box. You say it pays the bills, but you obviously don't even like it either... you said you "hate it". You just seem to be the type of person who is going to sit and make an excuse for everything you don't do. THAT is the mindset you need to change first and in order to meet friends and meet women. How do you think they are going to feel when they realize what your outlook on your own life is about? Hell, I am a man and hearing that you are 33 at a dead-end job that he hates... just completely turned me off. Imagine what women would think! 1
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Yes you do. You just don't want to. I have to agree with PegNosePete. You know you need to change in order to see a change in your life but you keep coming up with excuses. You want a better job, but don't want to go to school to get the qualifications necessary to have a career. You want to meet girls, but you're not trying to move past your own social weirdness. Honestly you know EVERYTHING you need to do to see the change you want you're the only person standing in your own way. If you don't make the change you will be back on this forum five years from now ranting about the same things. No one can change your life for you, stop making excuses and start making changes!
Bohonia Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 What are the other options? Most of the people I've known outside of work have had to get a masters to further their careers. Out of the 3 guys I live with one is a doctor and the other two have grad degrees from Georgetown University (one is actually unemployed right now--not sure what he's gonna do). The couple living in our basement also have grad degrees. I have 1 friend who didn't go back to school. He started his own consulting business (his wife went back for her masters though). I don't think it's so bad not to want to go into massive student loan debt. I'm not sure what it is I want to do career-wise. I've never really been passionate about anything that can provide a living. Work has always bored me. I love to run, swim, travel, and enjoy creative hands-on stuff like photography, art, design, etc--stuff that doesn't pay the bills. I think ambition is overrated. It doesn't guarantee happiness, success, or even a paycheck. In terms of a partner, as long as she can pay her own rent and food (and not rely on me) I'm fine. Do I want kids? I don't know. It's probably too late and I don't think I'd be a very good provider for them to be honest. I've never been very assertive about anything. For me it's better to just do my work, get a paycheck, and stay out of my boss's eyesight. Where I work if management wants to talk to you, it's a very bad thing. The job isn't ideal but it's enough for me to live on, save for retirement, and have some extra change for other stuff. Honestly reading this I can see why your life is the way it is and you're single. You are not assertive and could care less about controlling your own destiny. You don't know what you want and are far from having your stuff together. You have nothing to offer a woman other than your "male" parts. I'm being blunt simply because you need to hear it. Women want a MAN who has their crap together and can be a leader. You are simply floating through life hoping things will change for you even though YOU are unwilling to change. All i see when reading your post is I WANT I WANT I WANT but I'm not willing TO CHANGE TO CHANGE TO CHANGE!! 2
Author kevin15776 Posted April 20, 2015 Author Posted April 20, 2015 I would love to change certain aspects of myself. I would love to be charming, have an outgoing personality, be great at small talk and make people feel comfortable. I'm not saying I don't need to change. If I felt I didn't need to change I wouldn't be writing this rant. I just don't know where to start. How does a socially awkward person become not socially awkward? I agree that I don't have much direction, but again, how do you find direction? I would love to quit my job, travel the world, and take pictures. That would make me very happy but I can't afford to do that. As it stands now, my best option is to stay where I work so I can afford to live. There are tons of people who hate their jobs who have girlfriends and friends. I would guess most people don't like their jobs. You're right. I don't have much to offer aside from my "male parts" (and even they're pretty crappy) but I'm sure there are people with no jobs and no passion who find someone to date them. I may not have all my stuff together but I'm employed, pay my bills, and save which is more than I can say for a lot of guys out there who have little trouble dating. Why do women need a leader?
ZA Dater Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 I would love to change certain aspects of myself. I would love to be charming, have an outgoing personality, be great at small talk and make people feel comfortable. I'm not saying I don't need to change. If I felt I didn't need to change I wouldn't be writing this rant. I just don't know where to start. How does a socially awkward person become not socially awkward? I agree that I don't have much direction, but again, how do you find direction? I would love to quit my job, travel the world, and take pictures. That would make me very happy but I can't afford to do that. As it stands now, my best option is to stay where I work so I can afford to live. There are tons of people who hate their jobs who have girlfriends and friends. I would guess most people don't like their jobs. You're right. I don't have much to offer aside from my "male parts" (and even they're pretty crappy) but I'm sure there are people with no jobs and no passion who find someone to date them. I may not have all my stuff together but I'm employed, pay my bills, and save which is more than I can say for a lot of guys out there who have little trouble dating. Why do women need a leader? As far as I am concerned a lot of advice in this thread is simply a guide, its never ceases to amaze me how women want this but as soon as a guy doesn't want for ample someone who is excessively curvy then he is bad and insensitive. The scales aren't evenly weighed here. As for your predicament, mine is similar in some aspects. My best suggestion for you is to try on line dating. Give that a try and see how things go.
devilish innocent Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 You're making a lot of assumptions about what women think of you. They're wondering why you don't have any friends. They feel extremely uncomfortable because of you. This is all in your own head. Chances are they find you as a sensitive, quiet kind of guy. A lot of people have their friends move away or get married as they get to be adults. It's not as bad as you're making it out to be. As far as making women uncomfortable, I think the guys that do that aren't the shy ones. It seems like you are walking in with a lot of insecurity. That's probably holding you back from meeting people as much as anything else. 1
lil_missy Posted April 20, 2015 Posted April 20, 2015 Can you be anymore self deprecating? That is such a turn off to women " I don't have much to offer except my man parts( even they're not very good)" What does that even mean? If u don't value urself nobody else will. And yes lots of ppl may have crappy jobs but it's all about perspective, if they find something enjoyable about their jobs then they r not crappy jobs. Your life is as good as u make it, and as crap as you make it in your case 1
KatZee Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I'm not sure what it is I want to do career-wise. I've never really been passionate about anything that can provide a living. Work has always bored me. I love to run, swim, travel, and enjoy creative hands-on stuff like photography, art, design, etc--stuff that doesn't pay the bills. I think ambition is overrated. In terms of a partner, as long as she can pay her own rent and food (and not rely on me) I'm fine. I've never been very assertive about anything. For me it's better to just do my work, get a paycheck, and stay out of my boss's eyesight. Good luck in life then. You're asking how to go about meeting women and changing, and you keep fighting everyone who's telling you HOW to make those changes. I would never date you based on your attitude, and mentality alone.
40 Fonzarelli Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 You just need to come out of your shell. Learning social skills takes practice. It won't happen overnight. Yes you will have tons of socially awkward moments. But the more you do it, the better you will get. You also need to stop thinking you are a certain "type" of person. All this will do is send messages to your subconscious that you aren't capable of change. Just get out there and fake it till you make it. You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 First and foremost, your job. You are 33. Why have you been 5 years at a dead-end job? Sort that out first, and then work on everything else. I agree with this. First of all the hours are going to make it nearly impossible to date a normal girl. or maybe you can meet a nurse who has an odd schedule. However, reality is when you do meet someone, I'm going to guess it won't take long before you will have continually problems about your work schedule. It be one thing if you loved it, but since you don't..... Also change your job because anyone who feels that there are in a "dead-end anything" is projecting that vibe. That is not going to bring people to you--as friends or girlfriends. You need to be more excited about you life. I think it's a top priority to sort this out. I wouldn't necessarily wait to start on the other stuff. Pick a hobby where you have a chance to meet girls or cool guys who will become friends and start that as soon as possible. It should be something you like, for real that will also give you more of a joie de vivre. You need more of a passion for you life to get motivated. The gf will fall into place if you take these steps and then keep pursuing dating within that. But if you try in your current situation with your current attitude about your life you are not likely to find someone--and if you do, it won't likely be someone you are attracted to. Be best you to get best girl possible. Good luck
Bohonia Posted April 21, 2015 Posted April 21, 2015 I would love to change certain aspects of myself. I would love to be charming, have an outgoing personality, be great at small talk and make people feel comfortable. I'm not saying I don't need to change. If I felt I didn't need to change I wouldn't be writing this rant. I just don't know where to start. How does a socially awkward person become not socially awkward? I agree that I don't have much direction, but again, how do you find direction? I would love to quit my job, travel the world, and take pictures. That would make me very happy but I can't afford to do that. As it stands now, my best option is to stay where I work so I can afford to live. There are tons of people who hate their jobs who have girlfriends and friends. I would guess most people don't like their jobs. You're right. I don't have much to offer aside from my "male parts" (and even they're pretty crappy) but I'm sure there are people with no jobs and no passion who find someone to date them. I may not have all my stuff together but I'm employed, pay my bills, and save which is more than I can say for a lot of guys out there who have little trouble dating. Why do women need a leader? Okay first stop beating yourself up. If you don't value yourself no one will. Second maybe try finding a cheaper place to live so you can save your money or take pictures and create a small website, intagram and start showing your work. I had a friend in a similar position as per his job on the weekends he would go camping and travel as much as he could on his budget. He was offered a gig by a magazine to start taking pictures for them. He took the first steps and if you want to see your life flourish you need to take the first steps even if they are baby steps.
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