Strange contact from ex. Feeling really bad

[stillafool]

Well if you do apologize to her again please don't say anything about "in the future" just apologize and let it be. I'm sure you've learned a lesson from this.

[seminoles84]

I am tired of feeling guilty and hating myself over this, at some point I need to just let it go...

 

That would be now. Continue NC.

[mightycpa]

Wow hunk, this is quite a pickle your pickle got you into, isn't it?

 

So on the one hand, you treated her like crap, I don't think the reasons why are particularly important. In the end, if she's a rebound, or you're just an *******, or both, what difference does it really make? The question is whether or not you singled her out for this treatment, or did this intentionally. I don't get the sense you did that. I think she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and it could have been anybody.

 

On the other hand, you've apologized, and have probably disclosed a little too much in your apology, meaning that if she was an 80 angry out of 100, then you poured some gasoline on the fire with your apology, and the anger got worse instead of being assuaged. Now that she's had some time to think about it, I agree with you and Ziggy, she's probably thinking "YTF did I do that" and blames you to some degree for what she allowed herself to put up with.

 

As for your "it's too late to get her back" comment, I'm just taken aback by that. I think the dynamic between the two of you is too wrong to fix, so maybe "I ****ed it up too much to get her back" is a better description, and why you might want her back is mystifying.

 

Last, she asked you not to respond, so you probably shouldn't. What might happen? You find the magic words for her to forgive you? One of two things will happen with her - this venting will allow her to let you go, and she won't even be thinking about it by the time summer comes along, OR, she's still hung up on you and working it out. Either way, what can you say to help her?

 

Nothing. So send nothing, or if you must, then the bare minimum:

 

You're right. I'm sorry. I hope you can find a way to put it behind you. You won't hear from me again.

[Cinnamonstix]

Hunk, if you do ever want to be with her again, I actually think it would be YOU who should contact HER. She even said you made her break up with you. Her emotional position is actually the dumpee. You are the dumper. She is angry because she still has feelings for you. If you have everything in common, perhaps this is something that could work down the road. Unless I am reading this incorrectly and you just want to put it all behind you and start fresh with someone else when you're ready.

[hunk]

Mighty, I just sent her that exact message. Word for word, so thank you for that. As for why I would want her back - if I wasn't hung up on my ex I would've given her a proper relationship. If I had met her at any other time in my life I know things would not have happened the way they did. I even told her "look, if it wasn't you it would've been ANY other girl". My ex was the one thing that was keeping me from committing to this, and it's taken me a very long time to admit that to myself and come to terms with it. I was essentially not allowing myself to detach and move on from my ex, entered into a relationship with someone and essentially blinded myself to what was going on, only thinking about myself.

 

This girl treated me like gold, I had real feelings for her that I sabotaged myself because I was still holding out for my ex for reasons I don't even know.

 

Anyway, the message has been sent.

 

Cinnamon, I know what you're getting at - but she essentially knows that I am sorry, knows i feel bad and remorseful, and i also told her I wanted to give her a real relationship. She said she wasn't interested and wants to be alone, but still "wants me in her life". To me, these are the words of someone who is truly emotionally indifferent towards someone. I really don't think she has anything left for me, and I'm just not prepared to ask her again. If she wants any sort of relationship with me (even a friendship) I just can't see how I can be the one instigating that... I've already put that on the table and to do so again and have her reject me would just put me back to day 1x1000...

[Cinnamonstix]

I can tell you she is not in the least bit indifferent towards you, or she wouldn't have sent you that text. She is angry BECAUSE she still has feelings for you. Maybe she was hoping you would fight for her more after all you put her through. I think she wants to know that this hurt you too because you care about her so much. That might soften her anger towards you and open the door for reconciliation later. She felt like you didn't care about her for the entirety of your relationship. You offering her a relationship when she reached her breaking point is not going to change that on the spot. She would feel stupid for giving in so easily. She realizes she needs to respect herself more. But now that time has gone on and she thinks you were just fine, it confirmed for her even more that she was nothing to you (even though we know this is not the case). Know what I mean?

[seminoles84]

 

Anyway, the message has been sent.

 

Welp I have my doubts this will be the end of this...

[hunk]

That does make sense, I understand where you're coming from and i appreciate your insight very very much. It would be nice if you were right, I guess I will see how things pan out. I mean I am just terrified of being rejected because I will be back at day 1 and I can't handle that. My gut is just screaming to me that she is over it (her coldness and way she spoke to me during the break up, almost as if she had detached herself so far from me that she basically pitied me - which she probably does) and just using me as a target for her frustration and anger towards herself. I'll wait and see what the outcome of my response is (if any). I feel like protecting my feelings is the most important thing right now because I can't handle any more emotional turbulence. I have actively tried to crush any hope for reconciliation since the day we broke up. I don't want to let it start creeping in again

[Cinnamonstix]

While I appreciate the healing aspect of NC, it's not a one size fits all solution. You need to look at your own situation and do what feels right for you. You've obviously shown you have this type of thinking because you responded to her. Though in her position, your text back might not get much of a response because it isn't enough.

 

Be authentic and genuine to yourself. You might regret not putting it all out there. And I mean all of it. You don't have to ask for another chance, as you've already done so. She reached out for a reason. She doesn't want to know you are sorry for hurting her. She wants to know you hurt because you are not with her AND because it hurts you to hurt someone that is so important to you. That you really do realize how amazing she is and that you're a ****ing idiot for not seeing what you had in front of you all along while you were too busy pining for your ex. She wants to know that you see how special she is and that it wasn't a complete waste of her time. I think complete and total transparency and honesty is the only hope for reconciliation. I think this might actually make you both feel better in the long run. Once you've put that out there, you can move on. And whether you get back together or not it doesn't matter, because you were true to yourself.

 

Anyway, only you can decide if that's a risk you want to take.

Edited April 20, 2015 by Cinnamonstix

[Fufu]

If she still loves you and wants this relationship back, I'm happy for both of you.

 

Do keep us updated.

[BC1980]

There's nothing you can do or say to make up for you what you did or change how she feels. You could apologize 500 times in 500 different ways, but the fact remains. The damage is done. One apology is sufficient, and that was the one you gave to her the night you broke up. She has to deal with her emotions and process all of this. You can't help her now, and, certainly, an apology won't do much if you've already apologized once.

 

The thing is, once you make certain choices and do certain things, you've already casted your lot. So whatever consequences come for all involved, you have to take them. She also has to shoulder the blame for staying with someone for 1.5 years who wouldn't even call her a GF. There is some blame for her in that she stayed. You each have to shoulder the blame for your own actions, and you need to do so separately.

 

Also, you're not in NC if you have been looking at social media. You shouldn't have left a way open for her to message you. And what's this about wanting a second chance with her? Based off of what? An angry message she sent? That doesn't sound like the best foundation for a new relationship. Is this out of guilt?

[dyna85]

You've got some bad karma coming your way. You don't sound like a very good person. I genuinely feel for this woman and she deserves way better.

 

You, on the other hand, have a lot of sorting out to do.

 

The fact that you felt the need to use someone as an emotional band aid to recover from an ex is problem #1.

[dyna85]

I can tell you she is not in the least bit indifferent towards you, or she wouldn't have sent you that text. She is angry BECAUSE she still has feelings for you. Maybe she was hoping you would fight for her more after all you put her through. I think she wants to know that this hurt you too because you care about her so much. That might soften her anger towards you and open the door for reconciliation later. She felt like you didn't care about her for the entirety of your relationship. You offering her a relationship when she reached her breaking point is not going to change that on the spot. She would feel stupid for giving in so easily. She realizes she needs to respect herself more. But now that time has gone on and she thinks you were just fine, it confirmed for her even more that she was nothing to you (even though we know this is not the case). Know what I mean?

 

I think if the guy doesn't inherently realize this, he's not worthy of her. Seems like hunk is spending all of his time feeling oh so guilty, allegedly. Yet, what has he done to show for it? Actions speak louder than words.

 

Her best bet would be to stay away. You can't make someone care. She deserves someone who cares, and proves this to her.

[mightycpa]

You've got some bad karma coming your way. You don't sound like a very good person. I genuinely feel for this woman and she deserves way better.

 

You, on the other hand, have a lot of sorting out to do.

 

The fact that you felt the need to use someone as an emotional band aid to recover from an ex is problem #1.

Luckily for the OP, there is no such thing as karma. There is, however, personal growth, and certainly we see some room for that here.

 

OP, don't worry about the universe turning around and biting you in the ass as your just desserts. The best way to avoid that from other people is simply to treat them well.

[darkbloom]

Oy hunk.

 

Coming from the side of the girl, I think an apology is most sincere when it doesn't come right at the break up. I think emotions are high and feelings are too raw to say sorry and actually mean it. I would want an apology from a more level headed place and one that is sincere.

 

She obviously still cares for you and has a lot of deep seeded anger or she wouldn't have sent that message. Imo she was looking for a response from you to prove that she meant something.

 

I honestly don't blame her for sticking around for 1.5 years. She loved you and she wanted it to work out with you. She had no way of knowing she was a bandaid for your ex.

 

I disagree with most people on here. If you are truly remorseful and see that you lost a great girl you might have a chance at getting back with her. If you've changed your ways, you'd never take her for granted again.

 

You don't sound like a bad guy. Just someone who was emotionally hurt and made bad decisions that impacted someone else's feelings.

 

Let us know if she responds.

[jen1447]

She said don't respond, so respect that and don't respond. It wouldn't matter what you say anyway. She just wants to lambaste you, so you could tell her she's the greatest person in the history of earth and she'd just say "eff you, I knew you'd be this way, you're such an a$shole and I wish I never met you," etc. Seriously.

 

About all you can really do for her now is treat her like she's an equal, functioning adult and respect her stated wishes.

[dyna85]

Luckily for the OP, there is no such thing as karma. There is, however, personal growth, and certainly we see some room for that here.

 

OP, don't worry about the universe turning around and biting you in the ass as your just desserts. The best way to avoid that from other people is simply to treat them well.

 

Well, I would have to disagree as I am a strong believer in karma, and using people is a horrible thing to do. Also, let's not try to minimize what hunk did. He's openly admitted to stringing her along while trying to get over his ex.

 

The lesson here is: if you're not over someone, don't go wreaking havoc with other people's hearts and emotions, particularly knowingly. It's wrong.

 

I can't see how someone could do this in good conscience. You know when you're using someone. Hunk admits to having known.

 

Also, 'hunk' says his actions don't reflect who is he as a person. Um, yes, actually, your actions in life do reflect who you are as a person, and reveal your true character. This is the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts.

Edited April 20, 2015 by dyna85

[na49]

I feel like her saying "don't respond" puts you in a weird spot. I think that it's good that you sent her a response as long as you were genuine. You put the ball back in her court now. If she wants to respond she can. If she doesn't, you don't really lose much.

[JS84]

She said don't respond, so respect that and don't respond. It wouldn't matter what you say anyway. She just wants to lambaste you, so you could tell her she's the greatest person in the history of earth and she'd just say "eff you, I knew you'd be this way, you're such an a$shole and I wish I never met you," etc. Seriously.

 

About all you can really do for her now is treat her like she's an equal, functioning adult and respect her stated wishes.

 

Too late. Nothing he said is going to make her feel better about the situation. At this point all it might do is make HIM feel a bit better. The only thing that will help her is NC and time.

[Bohonia]

Change your phone number and give it to only people whom you want to have it. Stop checking her tumblr and remember misery loves company don't go down to her level. Move on.

[casey.lives]

i don't think words can save you this time. just leave her alone. the quicker she heals, the quicker she can move on. You did what you did and you can't undo it so....

[hunk]

Well she replied this morning with "Ok, hunk".

 

I want to reach out to her now and talk to her. I really do. I feel like just asking "how have you been? how is everything? I really do miss you". Because I do, i miss her very much. Is this just a recipe for disaster? I'm getting the all too familiar "what if" feelings creeping in now. What if she was expecting to hear from me, and she was expecting me to chase her? Why would she ever reach out to me? Surely if anything is going to happen here it has to come from my end considering the dynamic of our relationship. I'm beginning to think that I should reach out.

 

As for me being a "bad person", I don't agree with that. What i did was very average yes, and i take full responsibility. But I was still a decent human being towards her. I just didn't take the relationship forward in the way it needed to be taken and the way she wanted it and deserved it taken. I never wanted to hurt her, never cheated on her or abused her. I just wasn't a good partner, and got involved with her during a stage in my life where I was unavailable. I am also only 23, this is all fairly new to me aswell.

[Cinnamonstix]

You know where I stand. I can tell from your posts here you're a good person at the core... you've just done some ****ty things in the past. And got hung up on ****ty women. I say go for it.

[Zapbasket]

Well she replied this morning with "Ok, hunk".

 

I want to reach out to her now and talk to her. I really do. I feel like just asking "how have you been? how is everything? I really do miss you". Because I do, i miss her very much. Is this just a recipe for disaster? I'm getting the all too familiar "what if" feelings creeping in now. What if she was expecting to hear from me, and she was expecting me to chase her? Why would she ever reach out to me? Surely if anything is going to happen here it has to come from my end considering the dynamic of our relationship. I'm beginning to think that I should reach out.

 

As for me being a "bad person", I don't agree with that. What i did was very average yes, and i take full responsibility. But I was still a decent human being towards her. I just didn't take the relationship forward in the way it needed to be taken and the way she wanted it and deserved it taken. I never wanted to hurt her, never cheated on her or abused her. I just wasn't a good partner, and got involved with her during a stage in my life where I was unavailable. I am also only 23, this is all fairly new to me aswell.

 

No one can say that you are a "bad" person, and we're all multi-dimensional so no one is truly "bad," except perhaps a sociopath. But even people who cheat or abuse rationalize that they weren't all bad because they bought her flowers, or they only cheated once, or they didn't sleep with the person but just kissed, etc. You did not treat her well, end of story. That's a difficult truth to face, but it IS the truth. Learn from this, and treat people with whom you get into relationships in the future with attention and care. That's how you build integrity and character, the hallmarks of a "good" person: learn from your mistakes, and do better.

 

I will say from experience that loving someone a whole lot and recognizing that they can more or less take or leave you is profoundly painful. Yes, she has to face the fact that she chose to remain in the relationship with you to endure 1.5 years of emotional neglect on your part, but I know from experience that it is very, very hard to walk away when you love someone because you keep hoping things might change, especially when you can't see anything fundamentally wrong--you enjoy one another's company, you share common interests, you both enjoy the sex and get as much of it as you both want, more or less, etc. I say I speak from experience because I've not yet had the courage and self-confidence to walk when someone I love doesn't give me what I need.

 

You have taken an action, and it is done. But I think you're right that she probably would most like to see you fight for her. The thing is, it's only meaningful and real when it's what YOU want. So I want to ask you: what do you want? If you could have her back, not because you want a "do-over" to prove something to her or to yourself, but because you truly recognize how special she is to you and you want her in your life as your romantic partner, would you have her back? Did you love her, truly, when you were in the relationship with her? Do you love her now?

 

If you cannot answer any or all of these questions with a strong affirmative, then as hurtful as your cool response probably was to her, it was the right thing, because it was the truth. YOu are sorry for treating her as you did, but you don't want to pursue a relationship with her because you don't love her. For her that is a really ****ty truth to face, but facing that is far better than the alternative of you bending over backwards and being the model boyfriend to her only because you want to alleviate your guilt. She hurts because she spent 1.5 years feeling unloved by you. She wrote you after all this time because her ego is still in disbelief that you could truly not have loved her. If that is the truth, then you responding as you did more than communicates it and it's on her to heal and grow from this. She needs nothing more from you.

 

But, if you really do love her, then you need to take action. You need to show her by consistent behavior that your past behavior toward her was not representative of your true feelings; you need to remove her doubts that you love her. You can do that only if, in fact, you do love her. Otherwise, let the dying dog die. Let her be, to heal from this, to develop the self-worth to only stay in relationships that truly sustain her, and to find someone who can give her what you couldn't, and can't. If you do not love her, never contact her again. She deserves better.

 

On your part, whatever you decide, don't spend so much time trying to convince yourself or others that you're not a bad guy. Just work on being a good guy. It's all in the actions; remember that.

[lolablue17]

She is motivated by Ego. I'll translate her message to you. She said:

 

"Hunk, I want you back, do something about it, even though i'm going to give you hard time until I "agree".

 

 

She knows you're sorry. She wants to hear that you love her deeply and she is the one. She wants you to send her flowers and singing her love songs at night in front of her bedroom window.